Friday, February 28, 2014

How to be a sock puppet

This sock puppet believes that guns for him are good--guns for you are bad. 
A quick guide for those who believe that being a loyal sock puppet is the height of spiritual and magical development.

1. Find a fearless leader to follow. Or being invented by one (remember a sock puppet does not actually have to be a real person).

2. Fail to fill out your internet profile. After all, nothing screams "real person" on Facebook like an empty profile.

3. Take every statement in the worst possible way. No one is actually polite or misunderstood on the internet.

4. Ape the opinions of your fearless leader, who is always correct in all things.

5. Use the same word choice and phrasing as your fearless leader. Better yet, copy and paste their exact words.

6. Post and share links only from your fearless leader.

7. Insist on a double standard. Your actions and those of your fearless leader are always good and true, while those of people who do not agree a hundred percent with your fearless leader are always inspired by reptilian aliens controlling the world.

8. Claim that your fearless leader's enemies eat roosted baby unicorns and other forbidden treats.

9. Claim that your fearless leader is just trying to protect the world from evil.

10. Claim that your fearless leader's enemies are bent on selling souls to Satan.

11. Jump on the band wagon of your fearless leader's most recent rant against injustice.

12. Pretend to be a threat to other leaders...maybe they will laugh themselves to death.

13. Scream bloody murder when people accuse you of being a sock puppet. And continue doing all the the above.

14. Get royally upset about this blog post. In fact, you should post links to it all over the internet right now.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Donate to save Kraig

As many of my regular readers know, Donald Michael Kraig, the author of Modern Magick, is suffering from stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Besides magical and healing works being done to help him, there is also a GoFundMe campaign to help raise money to offset his medical bills. If you can, please donate to help the man that has helped many of us on our magical pathway though his books and lectures.


The GoFundMe campaign can be found here.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Denver Colorado free cat spay and neuter day February 2014

If kittens can fix a computer...
If you are living in Denver, Colorado, and have a kitty or cat that needs spaying or neutering, the Dumb Friends League is offering a FREE cat spay and neuter clinic on Monday, February 24, 2014 and Tuesday, February 25, 2014. Kittens must weigh at least two pounds to qualify for the surgery. No limit on the number of kittens and cats you can get fixed, but there is limited capacity, so please consider arriving early.

Where: Meow and Lulu Mobile Clinics will be at the Denver Animal Shelter (1241 W. Bayaud Ave.)
Check-in is at 7:30 am.
All surgeries are performed by licensed veterinarians.

For more information on the mobile clinic, call 720-241-7098.

And if you are unable to make this free spay and neuter day (in honor of World Spay Day), remember that the regular fee is ten dollars, which is still a good price.

Remember getting your kitten or cat spayed or neutered is an act of love. Both you and your pet will be happier...well, once they forgive you for taking them to the vet.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Death of community by egotistic orgasm

Your typical esoteric student--both in and outside of the Orders.
You would think that with the internet, especially with the number of esoteric students on Facebook and Yahoo (and possibly in other corners of the web), that we would be living in a time of great communication with one another with a free exchange of ideas and lessons.

Oh, wait, I am forgetting something...the fact that your typical esoteric student believes that their wisdom and ideas are absolutely correct and that anyone who dares say otherwise are guilty of having ego issues.

For instance, point out that traditionally Golden Dawn has nothing to do with aliens and you are told that everyone's ideas are equally true. Well, unless you have spent twenty plus years training in one of the Orders--then you are completely wrong...in other words, Adepts and members of the Inner Orders should be taking commands from Neophytes and people who are not even in the Orders in the first place.

It would not be so bad except that some leaders actually encourage this behavior by patting the most clueless people on the head, telling them that their ideas are absolutely correct, while insisting that more experienced students have to prove their ideas to seventeen decimal points. And if you protest, these same leaders show the newbies exactly how to deal with differences of opinion by banning the experienced members that disagree with them. And heaven forbid that you actually start making jokes about this--at that point, you get burned as a troll. And why do some leaders do this? Because there are more people who believe that aliens from outer space rule the world than there are hard working mystics and magicians--if you are only after large numbers of people giving you money, you encourage the egos of dumb students.

In the meantime, the experienced students are quiet (refusing to give up any information), leaving or being removed from the groups, leaving only the leaders and the students with the biggest egos around, free to say any dumb thing that crosses their mind. And as a result, one can see that the online esoteric community is rapidly approaching death by egotistic orgasm.

And yes, I realize that I have an ego problem for not seeing the vast wisdom and knowledge of those who have less than an hour of actual esoteric training and those leaders who give them cookies for being so brilliant.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

The Shem Grimoire by Nick Farrell (Book Review)

Table of contents page from the Shem Grimoire.
The first thing that a reader needs to know about this book is that this book is not for beginners. This is not a history of the Shem ha-Mephorash and the evolution of its associated angels, nor is it heavy on theory and philosophy. No, this is a grimoire with just enough history and theory to orient a Zelator Adept Minor (Z.A.M.) before turning them loose on actual working with the Shem Angels.

The second thing that a reader needs to know about this book is that it is meant to be used. One of its center pieces is a ritual to actually get in contact with a Shem angel (one of the 72 angels created from the so-called 72 lettered name of God...which actually has 216 letters in it, but who is counting?). There is also an interesting Middle Pillar ritual, complete with head movements inspired by Abraham Abulafia (a mystic of the Kabbalah bent).

(I might write a blog entry about the rituals contained in this book after I work with them for awhile. Or maybe not...it is always hard to tell with me.)

Having worked with some of the Shem angels previously (using a combination of techniques grabbed from Golden Dawn, the Franz Bardon school, and ancient paganism), I mainly focused on the listings for the angels--the place I start with most books that list the uses and powers of spirits that I have previously worked with...because if they get that section wrong, then I have to wonder about the accurancy of the rest of the material.

Based on Nick Farrell's descriptions of the Shem angels, I am confident that he has actually worked with them. While there are minor differences in the functions of the angels as Farrell describes them compared to my own experiences, the differences are so insignificant that one can see that they are based on differences in perception of the operators involved, and not ignorance.

But one does not have to have extended working experience to double-check the general function of the angels. One of the things that I learned while working with the Bardon system was that the angels ruling the important positions of one's birth chart has a certain amount of influence over the individual. If one sits down with their birth chart and look at the position of their rising sign and their planets, one can often see how those planets and sensitive points of one's birth chart is colored by the influence of the angels that rule those astrological degrees. (This is a point that Farrell also mentions in his book--he suggests what order one might want to work with the angesl ruling one's birth chart.)

(Important note--remember to round up when doing this. For instance, Leo 20 degrees, 33 minutes is actually the 21st degree of Leo, not the 20th.)

Take for instance, the position of Mercury in my own birth chart, Leo 20 degrees, 33 minutes. This places my Mercury, the planet of communication and writing, in the section of the zodiac ruled by the Shem angel Meheshiiah (Mem-Heh-Shin-Yod-Heh). Given that I am one of the less evolved types, the influence of this angel tends to be more dubious and negative than positive. One of the things that Farrell says about Meheshiiah is, "There is little in the way of conciliation about him and Meheshiiah is unhappy to make a peace which does not involve total capitulation." Many people who have dealt with me will nod knowingly at this point, because I will not accept partial peace offerings, preferring to remain at war with people instead--a trait that often shows up in my writing.

I am giving this book five out of five stars.

The Shem Grimoire is limited to two hundred hard-cover copies, and is available from Lulu. 

[Disclosure: This review is based on a pre-proof stage file copy given to me by the author for review purposes.]

Thursday, February 13, 2014

What My Hierophant Should Have Taught Me (Book Review)

One of my favorite sayings is "If you want to understand the behavior of Secret Chiefs and their human representatives, think of the Secret Chiefs as being cats." Many people think that I am merely making a joke--I am not. It is a statement that I make in all seriousness. I don't think that a lot of people get my point. But if anyone gets my point (and the real useful advice that goes along with my statement), I suspect that Nick Farrell is one of them.

Recently Nick Farrell wrote a limited edition book called "What My Hierophant Should Have Taught Me." It consists of a series of aphorisms applicable to the occult path, along with a commentary for each one. Some of the aphorisms are:

*Magic is not a religion
*You crave power
*Understanding symbols is a key to understanding the universe

and my personal favorite:

*When things go wrong, do not panic

(which I tend to lump in with my own personal aphorism--When working with Sister Amy, have a fire extinguisher ready...honestly, do not let her near any open flames.)

This book is filled with useful advice, some of which I wish I would have learned sooner than I actually did. For the most part, I agree with the advice given in this book. There are a couple of things that I am going to have to experiment with (or pay more attention to) before I make a judgment on--mainly technical advice on working magic.

I imagine that a lot of people are going to judge this book harshly. Some of the advice is about the warning signs that a group (or a group leader) is not on the up and up. It has been my experience that such dubious people turn nasty when they believe that someone is talking about them in a negative light; after all, someone might actually listen and not pay them the dues or accolades that they so richly deserve.

Farrell also mentions advice about how groups react when someone leaves a group (either willingly or not)--this advice falls under the category of "Gee, I wish someone would have warned me about that sooner."

Overall, this is a very useful book--one that I wish I had much earlier in my occult and esoteric career. I give it five out of five stars.

What My Hierophant Should Have Taught Me (limited to just a hundred copies) is still available on Lulu.

[Disclosure: This review is based on an electronic file version provided by the author for review purposes.]

Monday, February 10, 2014

The top thirteen signs that a leader or esoteric group might be too rotten to bother with

[This article was written for the Hearthstone Community Church's February 2014 newsletter.]


The fields of magic, occultism and alternative belief systems are littered with minefields of dubious groups led by shady leaders attempting to fleece the gullible and the na├»ve for profit and pleasure. In a fair universe, the seeker after such things would be accompanied by a robot made out of metal drums and inner tubes, who would chant, “Danger, Seeker, Danger!” whenever one encountered a group or leader that one should avoid signing up with. Unfortunately, we do not live in a fair universe, and must rely on our own common sense to guide us though the fields littered with explosive cow patties.

Being an eager seeker of the strange and marvelous, I have encountered more than my fair share of dubious groups and shady leaders…some of which I have signed up with, only to regret it later. Given such experience, I have learned over the years to listen to my inner paranoid android – at least, pause long enough to think twice before signing on the dotted line. On a good day, I will run screaming to the hills upon encountering the warning signs. On a bad day, well, let’s just say that hindsight is twenty/twenty.

An item that is often on people’s warning lists is money – as in the group or leader charges money for one to be a member or student. Honestly, the exchange of money does not even make my top thirteen. There is this idea that teachers and writers of occult lore should not charge for lessons or books, that they should give their knowledge away freely to all that ask for it without collecting a single dime. This idea overlooks the simple fact that we live in a world where money is an absolute necessity.

We would not ask a plumber to work for free; we do not expect people to give us food and gasoline for free; yet for some reason, we think that our spiritual and magical leaders should provide their services and products for free. Too many of our spiritual and magical leaders rely on food stamps and food banks to ensure that they have something to eat; too many live in hovels; too many can’t afford health insurance. And don’t get me started on the occult writers, who quite honestly would make more money flipping burgers for minimum wage.

The brutal truth of the matter is that occult teachers and writers are spending time to provide a service. They are using up time that could be spent doing more profitable things. At the very least, we should make sure that they are not paying for the rent for the meeting spots, and the cost of candles, cakes and ale, out of their own pockets…if only because that is the equivalent of adding insult to injury.

Now that is not to say that there is no such thing as a teacher or group that charges too much for their services and products. Such leaders and groups do exist. Exactly what is a fair rate to charge is beyond the scope of this essay – and is something that each seeker must determine for themselves. But one should not complain about the lack of qualified teachers and spiritual ministers, if one had ensured that no one can survive on what we are willing to offer them.

Now, onto my top thirteen signs that a leader and their group might be bad news…

13. Boredom – this one may seem strange to put on a list of danger signs. But one of the things that I learned over the years is that if a leader bores me, odds are that the group is just not worth my time. This is especially true if the information just seems to be recycled or is repeated over and over. A boring leader leads to the membership creating drama to occupy themselves. A boring leader also indicates that the upper levels of a group are empty of actual content. A boring leader is the outer sign that a group has no spiritual or magical spark to keep it alive – it is just a group living a ghastly existence, not realizing that it is already dead.

12. Lack of a sense of humor and humility – a leader without a sense of humor and who full of hubris scares me. It is especially scaring if they try to pretend that they have a sense of humor and a modicum of humbleness. At the very least, a good teacher needs to be able to laugh about themselves. If a teacher cannot handle you making jokes about them – run away quickly! And if you catch them pretending to be humble, be warned that they might be a sociopath.

11. Sexual misdeeds – if you hear stories about the leader sleeping with student after student, get out of there! I am naturally suspicious of any group that stresses that they teach sex magic. Even if you are not the preferred gender of the leader’s advances, sexual misbehavior is always a sign that there is a high cost to advancing in an organization.

10. Lawyers and trademarks – there is only one reason to have a trademark, and that is if you are trying to create a monopoly; there is only one reason for an occult organization to regularly use a lawyer, and that is to beat other organizations into extinction in a court of law. Everyone occasionally needs a lawyer – it is another thing to be in one court battle after another. And the only reason to have a monopoly is so that you can charge more than fair market value.

9. Non-disclosure statements and/or absolute secrecy – having to sign a non-disclosure statement to join a group or attend a seminar, or insisting on absolute secrecy for one’s group just screams that there are misdeeds going on behind closed doors. In my mind, the only things that should be absolutely secret are the identities of members in sensitive occupations (ex. school teachers) and even they can be referred to by their mottos or magical names.

8. Claims of superior lineage and ultra-secret knowledge – it is one thing to claim to be the best informed group, and to have a myth of unbroken wisdom from the dawn of history; it is another thing to insist that it is absolutely true, and seek to silence anyone who says otherwise. These types of claims are especially troubling when combined with the aforementioned non-disclosure statements and absolute secrecy, and tend to be used to justify the use of secrecy to protect the superior wisdom, which more often than not, came directly from a book or the creative imagination of the leader, while the secrecy is actually being used to cover up the misdeeds of the leader.

7. Use of the degree system to maintain control – while the use of a degree system can help ensure that information is taught in a structured format, the unpleasant reality is that it can also be used to maintain control of an organization. The aforementioned sexual misdeeds often come as the result of the promise of special higher level teaching in exchange for sexual favors. And the degree system can lead to a lot of internal politics as the more ambitious people use favors and rumors to ensure that they advance; this often leads to the most knowledgeable and spiritual advanced members, who are not as good at playing politics, being stuck in the lower degrees.

6. Hiding of dirty laundry – any group or leader that hides its dirty laundry is bad news. Every group and every leader has committed mistakes; but if they do not admit to them, and in fact, do their best to erase all evidence that mistakes happened, it just leads to the possibility that they will become repeat offenders. In fact, the hiding of the dirty laundry may actually be evidence that repeat offenses may have already occurred. When one sees a perfect group or leader, one should scamper away, for there is no such creature.

5. Does not cite sources – magical and spiritual knowledge does not grow in a vacuum. A leader or teacher who never mentions who taught them or the books that they have read is guilty of trying to conceal their past. If they try to conceal their past, then what else are they hiding? Especially troublesome are those who claim that all their knowledge comes from Secret Chiefs that only they are spiritually and magically advanced enough to meet.

4. Exclusivity as a requirement for training – while there are good reasons to focus on one school of occult wisdom at a time, any group that makes it a rule that you are not allowed to be a member of other groups is trying to ensure that you do not compare their wisdom with that possessed by other schools. A good teacher does not care if a student is a student of another system, for they know that people drop the less valuable options as they advance in knowledge.

3. Claims lack of resources as an excuse for elitism – first off, it is a danger sign whenever a group states that the occult is not for the masses, but only for the elite. In all honesty, the elite are not drawn to the type of group that has to make such claims. The elite of today’s world are too busy making money. Second, the lack of resources that limit the ability of a group to deal with large numbers of members is always the sheer lack of high level members. If a group claims hundreds of members, but you can count the number of high level members on one hand, there are reasons to suspect that members are not being promoted for purely political and control reasons. Material resources necessary to deal with large numbers of members have never been cheaper – YouTube, online groups, and print-on-demand books can all be utilized to provide the service provided that the group has enough high level members to pick up the work load.

2. All expulsions are the other person’s problem – in no world are the problems that break up a relationship, even that of a student towards their teacher, purely the fault of the student. If a leader claims that every expulsion was the result of the student with no fault falling upon the teacher, then you know that the teacher is lying. This is especially troublesome when the brightest students are the ones being expelled. In a properly functioning system, occult students drop out when they reach the limit of their potential; they do not get expelled. Expulsion is supposed to be reserved for breaches of ethics and symptoms of sociopathic behavior, not simply to ensure that one remains at the top of the pyramid.

And the number one reason to run away…drum roll please…the teacher or leader is eager to have new students or wants large number of members. This is the ultimate danger sign where your shiny metallic friend should quit chanting “Danger!” and just drag you out of the room before you get burnt. The only people who volunteer eagerly when someone asks if someone can teach them are people who have never taught before, or those who plan on abusing the student-teacher relationship on some level. No true magical or spiritual teacher wants large number of followers; it interferes with the work, and guarantees that one’s own personal growth grinds to a halt. Yes, there are people who teach the occasional workshop who are good teachers, but workshops are short term commitments. In fact, anyone who is truly qualified to be a spiritual or magical teacher is going to do their best to make it hard to become their student – they practically force their students to drag them kicking and screaming to the chalk board…after all, teaching is the heaviest responsibility that one can shoulder, with not only one’s own spiritual advancement at risk, but one’s student’s as well.


[This essay is the signature essay for my latest Hearthstone Community Church collection: Thirteen Signs That Your Occult Teacher is Rotten--available from the following fine ebook retailers.]





Thirteen Signs That Your Occult Teacher is Rotten is available at many fine ebook retailers.

Amazon

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Apple

Now available at your favorite online ebook retailer.


Saturday, February 1, 2014

Tarot and healing


Welcome to the Tarot Blog Hop, Imbolic 2014 edition. Today's subject is Tarot, creativity and healing. In light of that I thought that I would talk a little about a healing effort going on in the ceremonial magic community.

Simple layout for Tarot healing spells.
A few weeks ago, the ceremonial magic community learned that Donald Michael Kraig, best known as the author of Modern Magick, was suffering from stage four pancreatic cancer. Upon learning this news, several members of the ceremonial magic community started to post rituals to magically help Kraig survive this illness.

Donald Michael Kraig--author of Modern Magick.
I will admit that I find it interesting that I have yet to see anyone suggest that we need to do a divination before warming up our cauldrons and circles. One of the things that Kraig writes about in Modern Magick is that one should always perform a divination before doing magic. Basically, his position (to the best of my understanding) is that good intentions are not enough to prevent a spell from going dark--rather it is the eventual outcome of the spell that determines whether you were doing white, black, or grey magic.

No, I am not suggesting it either. While I might be using Tarot cards in my spellwork, they are for focusing purposes. My personal opinion is that this is one working that it is probably safe to skip the divination on.

(For the record, healing magic can turn negative...let's say you save the life of the next Adolf Hitler, that's probably dark mojo there. Or a child abuser. Or a drug kingpin. Or a serial killer. You get the idea. But in general, most healing spells can be assumed to be white magic, or grey at worst. Generally, most of us don't sweat the idea that a healing spell can lead to bad things.)

The idea behind using Tarot cards in spell work is that just like we use the symbols of Tarot to communicate with the universe about events, we can also use them to communicate with the universe about what we want to happen. In practice, it is like playing a game where you present a situation and guess what cards (forces and events) would come up in a reading that would be read as representing that situation.

(Practical hint--if you have never done this before, buy a separate Tarot deck for your spell work. It has been my experience that spell work with a deck hinders its use in divination.)


The first card of the spread represents the client to be healed. In this case, I chose the Magician because Kraig is a ceremonial magician and a writer.


The second card of the layout represents the illness to be healed. This does not have to be a physical illness; this layout can also be used for emotional, mental, and spiritual illnesses. In this case, I was undecided what card to use, so I looked up the astrological ruler of cancer in Rex E. Bills' The Rulership Book. According to Bills, cancer is ruled by the Moon and zodical sign of Cancer. D'oh! He also suggests looking up the organ in question, which in this case is the pancreas, which is also ruled by Cancer. Being someone who still uses the Golden Dawn attributions for the Tarot cards, that means it would be represented by the Chariot.

(Interestingly, I understand cancer to be a set of cells that are growing out of control--therefore, the symbolism of the Chariot does seem to fit the issue at hand.)


The third card represents the healing force to be activated and used in the curing of the illness. Honestly, I am not sure what force to use (while I have Reiki, I only have the first level of it). In general, healers (including doctors of modern medicine) are ruled by Virgo. (Except for faith healers, who are ruled by Neptune--they pull power from above, aka God.) So I figure using the Hermit (Virgo in GD terms) would be the proper card to use. Kraig will be undergoing procedures with doctors, so hopefully it helps the procedures to take and put the cancer in remission.


The final card of the spread is the hoped for outcome. In this case, it is a personal choice. I feel like I owe Kraig a drink or three, and hope to someday be able to buy him a drink or three.

(This involves me also overcoming my own health issue of moving vehicles being one of my migraine triggers, as well as my budget problems--gee, this spell has two layers to it...scary, isn't it? Yes, I just realized that.)

The reason I feel like I owe Kraig a drink or three is the fact that I was reading his book, Modern Magick, when my Golden Dawn sponsor first spotted me. If it wasn't for that book, my sponsor and mentor wouldn't have spotted me, and I might have ended up being a self-initiate, rather than being a Vaulted member of one of the many branches of the Golden Dawn system of magic. So I figure that if I ever meet Kraig that I should buy him a drink or three, just for getting me entry into the Temple.

Pimpslap a numpty day

Pimpslap the numpty!
Today is the most holy day in the year--it is pimpslap a numpty day. That holy day that as a good pagan witch, one looks at the most clueless mortal you know, and you just try to pimpslap some common sense in them. It is your social duty to try to improve the intelligence of the human species--if only because you have to share the planet with them. Well, at least until we turn them all into bacon.

In the case of the numpty that I want to pimpslap the most, I am not sure that it is actually possible to increase their intelligence. Why do I say this? Because I have been trying to teach them to be smarter for the last seven years. At this point, nothing less than a pimpslap to the moon is going to improve their intelligence.

The latest exchange was very special in that after school show type of way. In their efforts to make all other people as numpty as they are, they have started a series of questioning debates. They ask a question, typically one that actually has no official answer, and is actually impossible to answer without being a freaking deity. When presented with answers that agree with their opinions, they give the person a pat on the butt. When given an answer they do not like, or an answer from someone that they have tagged as an enemy, they answer the answer with THREE pages of follow-up questions for the person to answer, just to get the person to prove that they are willing to play with the numpty--by the numpty glorious rules of double standards. The numpty complains and cries when you do not play the game the way they want you to--they also whine and invite everyone that they can to their little arena, arguing that only they enjoy true honest debate...well, provided that you agree that the numpty is the most special person on the planet.

Recently, the numpty went and said, "Let's do something that no New Ager have ever done successfully before--let's define what type of magic is allowed to be cast if you are a person made up of unicorns and glitter." In my case, I stated that my position as a feared blogger speaking for the mighty Secret Chiefs that are my cats, that I was automatically condemned to give an answer that would get me convicted as a very evil magician that deserved to get burned at the stake--because even people made up of unicorns and glitter burn their enemies alive when you point out that it is ok to steal the boots from a dead man who no longer needs them. And the numpty responded by asking a dozen questions which included somehow knowing philosophy and the nature of good and evil from the viewpoint of the gods themselves. I refused to play, and chose to stay silent; after all, my ethics are situational and self-enlightened.

Then later, when the numpty was asked their own opinion, they said, "I am such a Big Giant Head that some people will automatically worship my answer, and others will condemn and burn me at the stake for giving an answer--therefore in my high numptiness, I respond with no answer at all."

When I pointed out that if I wasn't allowed to use the pre-judgment excuse to dodge follow-up questions, then they should state their honest opinion, the numpty responded with THREE more pages of questions. And a challenge to continue to try to prove that I was a bigger numpty than they were.

I am sorry--if you are so well known that you cannot give an answer for fear that people will attach additional weight to it because they know who you are, then there is no way that people will not have a bias about my answer. After all, my answer is that I am allowed to do any magic necessary to keep my cats supplied with a roof, warmth, tummy rubs, fish, and all the catnip that they can snort. I did mention that my ethics were situational and self-enlightened, didn't I? I also mentioned that I am feared blogger speaking for the true Secret Chiefs who teach the way of the true Mau, right? Good, I would hate for those facts to go unnoticed by the crazed dog-loving numpties that gathering their pitchforks and torches to burn the evil witch that dared mocked the royal numpty that leads their glittery unicorn rabble of a mob.

Therefore, we award this cute kitty pimpslap to you, all mighty and all knowing numpty chief in charge. Happy pimpslap a numpty day! You are the one that makes this day so holy to me.

Here is a pimpslap for you numpty!