Lies! All Lies! (The Really Real Secret Chiefs have their say)

When I make a mistake, I admit it...unlike some other people I know. A few days ago, I wrote a post consisting of vast amounts of misinformation. In the post, I "revealed" that the Secret Chiefs were dogs. This lapse of proper blogging logic was met with disapproval by those who are really the Real Secret Chiefs. So here is an interview with the Real Real Secret Chiefs.

How long have you been Secret Chiefs?

We have been Secret Chiefs since Ancient Egypt. In fact, we are the real McCoy, the one and only Secret Chiefs. Anyone who tells you different is just trying to make you look like a complete idiot.

Would you like to provide answers to the questions that the imposter Secret Chiefs answered?

No. Do we look like dogs who will roll over on command? Oh, you are offering catnip...oh, I suppose that we can answer the same questions and set the record right.

When asked "How do you determine the spiritual rank of people?," dogs answered they did think by the quality of food given to them, their general treatment, and sniffing butts.

Well, part of that answer is correct, but the rest of the answer needs revision. Yes, the quality of food is important, but even better is the ability to know what we are hungry for today---not many people are Adept enough to be able to do that. As for the being taken on walks and being forced to play fetch, we must point out that dogs are complete idiots who do not realize that such behavior is actually abuse. Far better is a person who does not care that we sleep on and sharpen our claws on all of their furniture--that is part of the royal treatment that we deserve as Secret Chiefs. And it is the spiritual advanced who sniff our butts, not the other way around.

When asked "Who is the highest species on the planet?," dogs answered that humans were the highest species on the planet.

Really? That could not be more wrong--are all dogs dropped on their heads when they are puppies? Because they sure are failing in their game of pretending to be Secret Chiefs. The only reason to think that humans are superior is if you are breed and trained to serve them--something that has cursed dogs since they came into the cave. Poor brain washed creatures.

So who is really the highest species on the planet?

You are a little daft, ain't you? Naturally, cats are the highest species on this planet--after all, humans are serving us.

When asked how to advance in the Great Work, dogs answered that one did so by working hard and pleasing the divine.

Well, one cannot go wrong by pleasing the divine, but you need to remember that us cats are the true deities, therefore you need to please us. As for hard work, what are dogs thinking? No enlightened being works--no, your day needs to be filled with play and power naps.

When asked how they feel about bacon, dogs answered that they love it, and that it cannot be improved upon. What are your thoughts on bacon?

You should fry us up some bacon, so that we can decide if we like it today or not. Really, go on, get into that kitchen. Oh, you are just going to sit there, no wonder you are failing in your quest to become enlightened--what is the point of having Secret Chiefs, if you do not obey their every whim?  Anyways, dogs are wrong about bacon being perfect. Bacon can be improved by wrapping it around sardines and shrimp--hint, hint.

When asked who is the worst enemy of mankind, dogs said that the mailman is because he brings bad news and bills. So did dogs get this answer right?

Of course not. Yes, the mailman is a bad person, but he is not as bad as his totem animal, the evil happy squirrel. It is sad really how rotten dog brains are; even the Ancient Norse knew that squirrels were evil, lying bastards.

When asked what the official uniform of Secret Chiefs was, dogs answered that it was a fez.

Really? A fez? Have you ever wondered why so many cats refuse to wear a fez, or any other type of headwear or clothes? The answer is simple--the uniform does not make the Secret Chief. We are as wise as ever, whether or not, we allow you to take silly pictures of us cats wearing fezes--a simple piece of life endangering clothes is not going to make you any smarter...especially considering that you only seem a bit more intelligent than a dog.

I think that we should end this interview right here.

And we think that you should never have believed the word of a dog. Meow!

Here is a picture of a cat wearing a fez...because the internet really does need more of these.

The Real Secret Chiefs finally revealed!

Today, the stars are all aligned right to reveal news that will shake the Golden Dawn community to its very foundation. For years, I have been doped and manipulated, forced to serve a false set of Secret Chiefs. But recently I learned the truth that will unlock every esoteric and occult document, and bring new strength to the Golden Dawn tradition.

Without further ado, I present the real Secret Chiefs who chose me, and only me, to reveal the superiority of their Secret Wisdom. Feast your eyes on the very first communication with the Secret Chiefs, an initimate interview that the Secret Chiefs commanded me to post on my blog--enjoy your newly dawning enlightenment.

Why reveal yourselves today?

Today is the most sacred of days in our esoteric calendar, Day C, when all the brothers and sisters of the Rosicrucian Order met with their fellow seekers, the Illuminitia, exchanging lessons of crutical thinking.

And why did you chose me as your prophet?

We chose you as our spokesperson because you have the most read Golden Dawn blog, and because everyone loves you--there has never been an unkind word said about you, except by people trying to destory you. Besides any man who choses to speak to us, giving us more attention than the mere human mortals around us must be a totally cool guy, fit to lead the human race into the future.

How do you determine how advanced someone is?

There are several ways that we determine such things. One can learn a lot about a person from their tone of voice, and the way that they treat other living beings. A big custom of ours that we command you to share with your readers is the sharing of food--you can tell a lot about a person by what food they are willing to share with their companions. We also recognize that play is important, as well as getting enough exercise--a healthy body equals a healthy mind--therefore, you should take more walks. And when all else fails, we can judge a person by how they react to getting their butt sniffed; after all, a lot of humans like to pretend that their gas does not smell.

Who is the highest species on the planet?

Humans, of course. They are like gods, and the whole reason that we, the Secret Chiefs, exist is to help them advance in their knowledge. We live to serve humanity as it blossoms into a species that aliens will be proud to meet.

How does one advance in the Great Work?

By working hard. Protect those who are weaker than you are. When bad things happen, spread the news--for when a siren is not barked at, no one will know that they are in danger. Do things that are pleasing to humans, for they are like gods awaiting your service.

How do you feel about bacon?

Love it---you can't improve on bacon.

Who is the worst enemy of mankind?

The mailman. Here is an example of a person who has sunk as low as a human being can get, fearful of strangers, ready to pepper spray any that greet them; a human that only fetches and brings forth bad things, such as bills and cat magazines.

Finally, what is the official uniform of a Secret Chief? 

A fez and a bow tie, of course. 

Behold the vision of a Secret Chief wearing the sacred Fez and Bow Tie.

Adopt a Secret Chief shocking dog and cat edition

This post is for JC...hehe.

The other day, I came across a shocking revelation. And I forgot to bookmark where I found it. Sorry. But I do remember its main point.

It was an article talking about the number of homeless pets, and the fact that people really need to fix their pets. According to the article, in order to make sure that every dog and cat in the United States had a home, each individual (every man, woman and child) would have to own 3 cats and 1.5 dogs.

That means that my wife and I should own 6 cats and 3 dogs. My godfamily (two adults and a kid) needs to own 9 cats and 4.5 dogs. Obviously, this ignores the limits that the local law imposes.

And the point of the article was that when it comes time for a new pet, go to a shelter and adopt a homeless animal...and make sure that you get them fixed, so that they don't have any more babies.

The Secret Chiefs will bless you if you adopt them. And they will be much happier and healthy if you get them fixed.

31 Days of Halloween Kitties Day 11

I am Hello Kitty, pleased to meet you.

Here is a crime against cathood. No one should ever dress up a cat as Hello Kitty (an IQ sapping Japanese invention, I believe). Hey! Wait a second...that is no kitty, that is a doggie! Hmmm, I guess it is ok to dress up a dog as Hello Kitty as long as the dog does not start believing that they are one of the true Secret Chiefs. I mean it is not like a dog has any IQ to sap, right?

(Dog lovers, please leave your hostile comments in the comment section while remembering that my god-daughter thought that this was a very cute picture.)