Breaking News: The Startling Truth about Internet Cat Pictures

Revealed at last--the reason the internet has so many cat photos on it.

Breaking News! This just in. The Amazing Golden Dawn Newshound, Morgan Drake Eckstein, has uncovered a conspiracy that affects all of you. Please sit down as he reveals the shocking truth about why there are so many cat photos on the internet.

This story is being told by a digitual journalist (blogger), erotica writer, and leader of the smallest Golden Dawn lodge in Denver, therefore you know that it is the absolute truth.

"I left the house for awhile. I leave the house often during the day to do other things. And like always I left the cats at home. It is just something that you do. And yes, the computer was on. Sort-of. It was in sleep mode."

"Then I come home to discover that one of the cats is on the computer. And on Facebook. The cat was sharing cat pictures on Facebook using my account. Pretending to be me. The traitor! I wonder what else he does on the internet while I am away. Does he run a Nigerian scam? Does he belong to dog-hate groups? He must be doing other things that I disapprove of when I am gone. Sharing cat pictures on the internet must be only the tip of the iceberg. Here I am, wondering why people keep telling me that I share too many cat photos. And I am like, I don't share that many. And now, I learn that my cat is on Facebook, pretending to be me, sharing cat photos as if he was me. It is wrong, I tell you, completely wrong."

Now, being the fair minded journalist that I am, I asked my cat for a response. And you know it is the truth, because as a digitual journalist, erotica writer, and leader of the smallest Golden Dawn lodge here in Denver, I would never lie and just make something up to make someone look bad--would I?

The cat replied, "You dirty rat! Liar! I was just leaning on the computer key board. You were right there. So was your wife. Quit twisting around what happened to make yourself look good. You know that you spend hours on the internet, cruising Facebook, looking at cat pictures. Don't try to blame me for your cat fetish. And quit twisting my words around. I bet that you kiss dogs with that mouth."

After that I asked the cat if he could forgive me and live in peace under the same roof.

To this, he replied, "Maybe if you buy me fresh shrimp every night, I can. But I don't know--I still think that you might secretly love dogs."

So now, you my loyal readers know the truth. Cats are the ones who are sharing too many cat photos on the internet. Not I. Because I would never think of blaming the type of behavior I do on someone else. And you know that you can trust me because I have a blog.

"You are a dog-kissing liar!" replied the cat.

Bon Jovi is a zombie (Blog Advice for Occultists)

It worries me that Jon Bon Jovi thinks New Jersey looks like heaven.

One of the job skills you must develop as a Golden Dawn newshound and occult blogger is the ability to separate real news from the lies and hoaxes. Bloggers on the occult scene work in an envirnoment that can best be described as a sewer with the bits that float to the top being...well, you get the idea.

As an example of how to separate real news from the truth, consider the news that Jon Bon Jovi is dead. Yesterday, social media was awash with the news that Bon Jovi was dead...of something.

I generally ignored the news. I didn't believe it because I did not see something that would make me believe it---reports and links to sites that I trust. As long as it is just rumor, then I do not place much stock in it.

And I saw nothing on the ten o'clock news about it last night either. I consider that a red flag. Going back to Facebook, I noticed that the official Bon Jovi fanpage had posted a picture of Bon Jovi holding up a handwritten sign with the date and time. The ghost of Bon Jovi also wrote that heaven looks a lot like New Jersey---I resisted the urge to make a joke about New Jersey.

Of course, some people thought it was a hoax---the picture of Bon Jovi that is. Their proof? A blog called the dailynewbloginternational. A blog that was started yesterday, has just four posts, including the Hello World prompt that WordPress puts on your newly open blog (it can be removed if you care to do so) and two about Megan Fox being the 14th hottest woman in the world complete with shameful incidents and a case of HIV.

Surely this blog is a better source than the Washington Post which posted an article this morning that includes the fact that Bon Jovi played a benefit concert last night.

Ahh, lets cut the difference and presume that Jon Bon Jovi is dead and still walking around. So that gives us the possibility of him being a zombie (my personal favorite), a vampire, a Cyclon, a clone, or someone with a doppelganger or maybe a secret twin.

The story of his death and rebirth (Bon Jovi is beginning to sound like Jesus, isn't he?) just illustrates one of the big hazards of being a blogger focused on the occult. The occult scene is full of accusations that various people are criminals, frauds, con-artists, sex-perverts, drug-users, delusional, crazy, morons, and generally untrustworthy. These claims are always proclaimed by people who claim to know the truth.

You have to figure out who you trust and who you don't. For instance, I never trust a brand-new blog shouting the latest shocking truth about some occult leader being a crook. Nor do I trust anyone who shows up on the forums and starts their posting history by revealing the fact that they know someone is really a drug dealer.

I will admit that my personal method of weighing the truth is not suitable to everyone. I develop relationships with people that I know are in the occult, and over the space of time I watch them. If they make a habit of lying to people and bad-mouthing people on a regular basis, I don't trust them. I watch what information that they are willing to share. I perform exit interviews when they leave their respective Orders. I compare what various people are saying.

In other words, I treat the fora and blogosphere as if I was an old style journalist. Or possibily an intelligence officer. Or law enforcement agent. Or someone who worked with a lot of blinded occult sources.

I also look at the possible motives for people to say what they are claiming. Are they trying to undermine a rival? Are they just begging for attention? Are they trying to prove that they are the one and only person who knows the truth? And does their story match what my other sources are telling me?

Remember that as a blogger writing about the occult and the people who dabble in it is much like working in a sewer. Don't trust what floats to the top. After all, trolls and flamers are fond of hanging out in the bathroom writing lies on the walls.

Is Nicolas Cage an Alchemist?

Nicolas Cage has been around for a long time, hasn't he?

For those of you who missed it, last week a photograph went up for auction on eBay. It was a photo that was found in an album of civil war era pictures (1870s), complete with an unusual number of death shots (whatever that means to a non-historian). It was the only photo that did not identify the person in the shot. But never fear---the eBay seller jack_mord knows who it is.

It is Nicolas Cage.

And how is this possible? How could a picture of Nicolas Cage exist in an album of civil war era pictures. Simple, according to jack_mord, Nicolas Cage is "some sort of walking undead/vampire, et cetera, who quickens/reinvents himself once every 75 years or so. 150 years from now, he might be a politician, the leader of a cult, or a talk show host.”

There are just a couple of problems with this vampire theory. One, the photo itself---ain't vampires supposed to be invisible to film? Two, Nicolas Cage has been out and about in the daytime---shouldn't he be a little crispy and deep fried after being exposed to sunlight?

So alas, Nicolas Cage is not a vampire.

But never fear, the Amazing Golden Dawn Newshound that I am knows the truth about this photo.

Nicolas Cage is an alchemist who has been kicking around since before the civil war.

My proof for this theory is the fact that a few years ago, Nicolas Cage admitted on a late night talk show that he was interested in 17th century German philosophy. We all know what that means---Nicolas Cage has been studying the Rosicrucians and their amazing life-extending alchemical techniques.

I guess that Nicolas Cage forgotten the first rule of being an immortal alchemist---do not allow any records to exist that proclaim your immortality. The Third Order is obviously upset---the photo with its million dollar asking price has been removed from the listings on eBay.

And Nicolas, if you are reading this, you are always welcome to sit in lodge with me.