Happy April Fool's Day (Zealot's Dictionary Edition)

Happy April Fool's Day!!!

Originally, I made a video for today, but I decided that no one really wanted to watch it (too long and nothing but a pack of lies)...so instead, it is time for another addition of the Zealot's Dictionary.

Humility—the ability to say that you are the greatest at some endeavor, and that everyone should focus on that endeavor, while being able to say in the same breath that you are not claiming to be the best.

Diversity—something that everyone supports as long as everyone agrees that your opinion is absolutely the only right opinion.

Pride—the ability to fly too close to the sun after super-gluing feathers to your arms.

Ego—the inability to understand rational statements while lecturing people that your understanding of the issues is the only correct one. Ego also makes one believe that you are the only person who has done “hardcore” magical, exercise, and business techniques. Ego is the number one reason that people get assassinated. “Your Honor, the man’s ego was so big that I had to kill him with that tire."  

Watermelon—a fruit of the Citrullus Vulgaris plant. It has been sacrificed many times by people, often after being named after their favorite villain. Half-rotten watermelons have been placed in charge of governments, banks, churches, and esoteric Orders since the time of Adam and Eve, where their sickly sweetness convinces numerous people that they are not the evil buggers that the conspiracy theorists believe that they are.

Secret Chief (Zealot's Dictionary)

Secret Chief: 1: A person who secretly cooks and is ashamed that of the fact that they cannot spell the word “chef” properly. 2. An entity, typically in the form of strong spirits and an Ouija board, occasionally in the form of a lunatic sitting outside the local Quik-Mart, who is willing to tell you all the secrets of the universe in exchange for complete silence and obedience. A Secret Chief will authorize any misbehavior of their favorite student as long as they are not required to appear in court to prove their existence. 3. A cat.

[All the Zealot's Dictionary definitions are available in a single ebook on Smashwords--just 99 cents. Remember if you buy it on Smashwords, you get access to all future expansions...because we know that new definitions are sure to happen simply because of human nature.]

Zealots Dictionary (Blast from the Past)

[This post was originally published in May 2008. It is as true today as when I originally wrote it.]

Golden Dawn: An esoteric Order that was both formed in 1888 and predates the Victorian Era. Its rituals and instructions are both at the pinnacle of spiritual purity and the rock bottom of black magic. The writings detailing the Order both completely reveal and obscure every important fact concerning the Great Work of the Order; especially suspect are documents meant for the eyes of its own members, none of which can be trusted. The system is ruled by four hundred Secret Chiefs, also known as the Third Order of Curly Fries; all of them are liars and deceivers and always tell the truth; none of the Secret Chiefs allow themselves to be known by more than one lunatic at a time, who they authorize to ruin and destroy a select group of rivals while fleecing their own for beer and taco money in their name; furthermore each Secret Chief insists that they are the One and Only True Secret Chief. The Order has been completely destroyed (1900, 1901, 1904, 1909, 1913, 1937, 1978, 1984, 1994, 1999, and yesterday) and continues to survive until this day. The best advice that a Zealot can follow about the Order, besides welding their wallet shut, is to read none of the writers who use or reveal any of its system of buggery, nor compose or recite any love poetry to any of its members, and always cross the street as soon as you notice one of its members walking down the avenue towards you.


Black Magic: Any magic that employs techniques that you have not mastered to manifest goals that you find morally repulsive. In general, any magic practiced by a rival magician.

White Magic: The act of attempting to change the universe by just thinking loving thoughts at it, generally ineffective against any problem or creature larger than a ladybug.

Selected definitions from the Zealot's Dictionary

Charter: A device for determining the regularity (legitimacy) of a Masonic body, and the irregularity of an esoteric body.

Lineage: The claiming of authority and skill by the Chief Officer(s) of an Order by invoking the ghosts of past Masters of the mysteries, most of whom were not Masters and furthermore never met the Chief Officer claiming descent from them.

Divination: 1: A method where the questioner hears what they want to hear while the answerer lightens their wallet. 2: A method where the reader reads what they desire to read while the spirits desperately shout at them.

Selected Definitions from the Zealot’s Dictionary

Golden Dawn: An esoteric Order that was both formed in 1888 and predates the Victorian Era. Its rituals and instructions are both at the pinnacle of spiritual purity and the rock bottom of black magic. The writings detailing the Order both completely reveal and obscure every important fact concerning the Great Work of the Order; especially suspect are documents meant for the eyes of its own members, none of which can be trusted. The system is ruled by four hundred Secret Chiefs, also known as the Third Order of Curly Fries; all of them are liars and deceivers and always tell the truth; none of the Secret Chiefs allow themselves to be known by more than one lunatic at a time, who they authorize to ruin and destroy a select group of rivals while fleecing their own for beer and taco money in their name; furthermore each Secret Chief insists that they are the One and Only True Secret Chief. The Order has been completely destroyed (1900, 1901, 1904, 1909, 1913, 1937, 1978, 1984, 1994, 1999, and yesterday) and continues to survive until this day. The best advice that a Zealot can follow about the Order, besides welding their wallet shut, is to read none of the writers who use or reveal any of its system of buggery, nor compose or recite any love poetry to any of its members, and always cross the street as soon as you notice one of its members walking down the avenue towards you.

Black Magic: Any magic that employs techniques that you have not mastered to manifest goals that you find morally repulsive. In general, any magic practiced by a rival magician.

White Magic: The act of attempting to change the universe by just thinking loving thoughts at it, generally ineffective against any problem or creature larger than a ladybug.