Saturday, December 16, 2017

Danger Will Robinson GMOs Danger Danger

We live in a dangerous world. In the wild, monkeys are in danger of eating poisonous berries, of drowning, of falling on their heads, and of being eaten by feral hedgehogs.

Us humans have none of that—we are perfectly safe—provided that we don’t get shot. We have nothing to worry about. We are perfectly safe. Unless you get online…

 …and then you have to worry about all types of things that monkeys can’t spell:

GMOs, chemtrails, vaccines, fluoride in the water supply, politicians, rich people, poor people…

And I have been exposed to all of these.

Given how bad they are…[air quotes] according to the internet [end air quotes]…I should be a dimwitted hunchback [hunches over] with an overbite [makes a face] holding political office [mimes ringing a bell, tweeting on Twitter, and hand over heart to the pledge of alliance].

You do realize that genetically modifying organisms have been going on since the birth of agricultural and human civilization.

Take for instance, the humble corn plant, maize for the political correct crowd, it started out as a simple grass that seeded on the top. At best, it could only hope to someday evolve into wheat. But humans came along, and selected the best seeds, planting them, harvesting them, planting them, harvesting them, over and over again until we get the mutant plant that the American Indians shared with the Pilgrims.

[Pauses. Then gestures wildly.]

Corn—the mutant revenge of the American Indians, plaguing mankind, causing cancer, making tasty sodas, and the reason our President is as big as a house.

Without GMOs, we would still be cavemen without the ability to text, photo cats, and share false news stories.

I am not completely sure that is a bad thing. After all, I do love taking cat photos.

Completely unnecessary cat photo.
{From the upcoming Following the Brightest Butt (the comedy show you will never see about evolution and human behavior).}

Friday, December 15, 2017

Exactly when did Hillary lose the election (why did Trump beat her)

Something that surprises me is that we are still debating why Hillary Clinton lost the election. Was it Russian interference? Was it sexist men? Was it Nazis? Was it fake news? Did Trump cheat? Was she simply unlikeable?


Yes, the Russians interfered. Yes, men are sexist. Yes, Nazis voted for Trump. Yes, people believed the fake news. Yes, Trump cheated (basically, he played by the new social media rulebook, not the old tradition politics version). And yes, she was unlikable.


Yet given all that we have learned about the DNC and the mess that was, I think that we can say that both sides was doing everything in their power to ensure that they were the only possible choice. Let's declare it a level playing field and move on. Both sides tried to cheat--it is what politicians do.


[Please note that I still want to see Trump's tax returns, and want to know exactly what happened between his campaign and the Russians---I want to know exactly who he is working for because it is sure not the poor people who voted for him.]


[[If you are a poor person and still think that the Trump administration cares about you beyond Trump's re-election, you need to get your eyes checked. As long as you promise to vote for him again, he will entertain you with midnight rage tweets and stories about witch-hunts while continuing to make sure that the rich get richer at your expense.]]


[[[And yes, I know--she was just as bad.]]]


[[[[That is not going to prevent me from continuing to work to draw attention to the fact that he only cares about big business and billionaires, and that his policies are really not going to help the poor.]]]]


So when did she actually lose?


In my opinion, it was during one of the debates when she followed Trump's promise to bring coal jobs back with a declaration that coal jobs were not coming back, and that she believed in green energy. Ok, she got points for telling the truth, but lost mega-points for not understanding voters in coal country. You don't tell someone that they are never going to work ever again--no, you are supposed to convince them that your plan will provide jobs to replace the ones that had been lost. I felt the ground open up beneath her at that point, and knew that my prediction of President Trump was going to come true.


What she should have said was "Green energy is going to require billions of batteries to meet our energy needs. And the people in coal country get to build these billions of batteries. Yes, that is right--green energy is going to give you good paying jobs. You get a job, and you get a job--jobs for everybody!"


But no, she did not say it this way. She was so busy calling Trump a liar that she lost sight of the fact that people vote according to their hopes and fears. And that is when she lost the election in my opinion. We can debate all the nitty-gritty bits until the cows come home, and it still will not matter as much as the fact that she shot herself in her own foot.


And if the Democrats don't figure this out...well, let's just say that 2020 will be another Trump victory, even if the Russians decide to help the Democrats instead.


Were you a bad citizen? Did you vote for the wrong person?

Sunday, December 10, 2017

And the Creeper Award goes to (oh noes, people I don't like have abused their power to get laid)

Welcome to the 2017 Creeper Award where we award the creepiest person in the world with a virtual award in honor of how creepy they really are.

And this year, we are focusing on those who have abused their position of power for sexual gain.

Let's see we have...

...a billion f***ing nominees. And a new one everyday. Politicians, CEOs, priests, actors, directors, film company executives, news reporters...seriously, the list goes on and on.

How can I make up my mind when I have so many tasty options. I got so many tasty options...

It is like a Sexual Predator vending machine.
The same way I make up my mind on everything else. I randomly push some buttons on the machine and see what falls out.

Seriously, are we actually surprised about the fact that powerful men will use their positions to convince women that it is in their best interest to have sex with them?

Are we surprised that almost every woman has a story?

(Yes, I am little surprised about the extent of the problem. Sadly, my estimate of affected women has gone up over the last year and an half. At this point, I am starting to assume that every woman has interacted with a sexual predator.)

Is it hypocritical of me to say that sexual predators are bad when I am a former writer of dubious erotica?

(Former--as in I haven't published any more dubious erotica for the last four years. The reason for this is that the market has changed to the point where there are no retailers who sell the stuff. Barnes and Noble, the last holdout, in August changed their policy to the rest of the market. So I am not making money writing erotica anymore, so bite me! And when I did--I had rules: no underage, no rape, both parties had informed consent--it is sad that my stuff had a higher ethical standard than the real world.)

Is dubious erotica the cause of all sexual predators?

(No s**t--I saw someone actually argue this in the comment of a Smashwords blog post talking about the new certification program designed to let retailers know which erotic stories are dubious. Let's just ignore the fact that the Bible has amble evidence that this problem is thousands of years old.)

Are we surprised that some witches seek to cast binding spells on sexual offenders?

(Have you met a real witch? Do you really want to f*** with them and their loved ones?)

Are we surprised that other witches and magicians will rush to cast counterspells, so that the sexual offender's free will is not affected?

(Hell yes, I am f***ing surprised about the countercasters.)

Stop sexual predators in their tracks--join the Super-Duper Magical Defenders of Liberty today!
Are we surprised that some dubious occult leaders are using this wave of public outrage as a recruiting tool for their Orders and traditions?

(Not really, they use every hot trending topic as a recruitment tool.)

Is it hypocritical of dubious occult leaders to speak out against sexual offenders when they have expelled every member who ever complained that one of their favorite students is a sexual offender? Or themselves been accused of being a sexual offender?

(Uh...yes. All I have done is write dubious erotica, and cast bindings on rapists. But remember they are the heroes.)

So who do we give the Creeper Award to? We have so many tasty options in our vending machine of Questionable Leaders Abusing Their Power to have SEX! SEX! SEX! How do we chose?

By who makes me feel the sickest.

And the Creeper Award goes to every f***ing voter who has said, "Even if this politician is a sexual predator, they need to be voted for and protected because the work they do is more important than the lives that they have ruined and will ruin in the future."

Yes, all those voters who scream that we need the politician who will outlaw those they do not like, even if the politician is guilty as hell of being sexual predators, are the winners of this year's Creeper Award. 

And they get bonus awards of Willing Being Blind and Being a Complete B!!! when they say that sexual offenses are grounds for the other political party to lose its politicians, yet turn a blind eye to the members of their own f***ing party who are just as bad; or worse, claim that all accusations against their party are false while all the accusations against the opposing party are true.

I am not sure how they can look at themselves in the mirror in the morning, and how they think they get to go to the Nice Afterlife and not the So Cold It Burns Afterlife.

Oh, yeah, their Holy Book says that it is ok. You just have to pay off the victims. It is in their Holy Book. F***ing hell!

So here you go, Voters Who Think It Is OK For Their Political Party To Be Sexual Offenders As Long As They Hate And Love The Same People As I Do, here is your your shiny Creeper Award. Hold it up proudly, you selfish pricks!

By the way, it is not just the Republicans; all political parties have these pricks. 

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Trump officially recognizes Jerusalem as Israel capitol (what if he is right)

Yesterday, President Donald J. Trump fulfilled one of his campaign promises, and officially recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. Furthermore, the US embassy to Israel will be moved to Jerusalem. He claims that this step will lead to peace between Israel and Palestine. And his hardcore Christian and Jewish supporters are applauding this decision.

Meanwhile, Palestine, the United Nations, our European allies, and most of the rest of the world is saying that Trump has made the problem in Israel-Palestine harder to solve. As evidence, one just has to look at the spike of violence in Israel today.

Now, for the one person who just arrived on this planet, the problem with Israel-Palestine starts a couple of thousand years ago when Israel got conquered; and the Jews proved to be a violent menace when allowed to remain in sufficient numbers in the region, so they got kicked out. Since then, the Jews have been kicked out of many countries because it is easy to make a villain out of them (basically, their religious law is set up in a way where it is hard for them to go mainstream anywhere; therefore, they are always a separate group that can be scapegoated when someone wants to do something politically evil).

The problem got interesting during World War I (yes, the first one) where some politicians supported the establishment in Palestine of a homeland for the Jews. The idea lingered over the country during the period of the British Mandate. And came to a boil with the horrors of World War II which showed the Jewish people that they really need a homeland.

Looking at the historical record, I honestly think that the British politicians were playing both sides (some of them told the Palestinians that they had no worries), having apparently no actual intention of doing what they promised the Jews.

But the horrors of WWII convinced the United Nations, in 1947, to create a homeland for the Jews in Palestine. The British withdrawn and...

...all hell broke loose as the entire Arab world tried to prevent it from happening. Israel managed to win. And since then, Israel has suffered periodic violence as various Muslim warlords try to destroy them.

As someone who dabbles in alternate history stories, I do wonder what would have happened if the Arabic world would have not responded with violence. Would the Jews seen a need to expand using war? Or would they have remained peaceful, with the Middle East being slightly less violent today.

(Even with a peaceful Israel, I think that the Middle East would be a mess...just like every other historical period that mixes religious zeal with the government. And anyone who thinks the United States with a zealous national religion would be different is a loony.)

So we had a century of thought that says a Two State Solution is the way to go, and seventy years of violence as the Palestinians and their Arab/Muslim allies has tried to drive the Jews out of Israel because Palestinians and their neighbors really don't want a Two State Solution. In fact, there are a lot of radical Muslims who think that this whole mess should have been dealt with by a German victory in WWII. But no, the allies won...

There are few ways to read President Trump's decision to recognize Jerusalem as the capitol of Israel.

Trump could just be doing what his most zealous followers want because he wants to be re-elected. And/or making a major donor and his son-in-law happy. And/or emphasizing how much his loyal followers believe Islam is an enemy and that all Muslims are bad. And/or he could honestly think that this move will help the peace process. And/or he could be trying to unleash the Four Horsemen.

Or he could be secretly admitting what no Western politician wants to admit--the Two State Solution is not working, and probably never will work.

Yes, yes, I know--feel free to call me names in the comment section.

Seriously, has history ever seen a successful Two State Solution?

Let's see...

Britain, Ireland, and Scotland...uh, no.

Austria-Hungary...uh, attempting to give everyone a fair voice, including allowing several national languages to be spoken, severely weaken their military might, so that would be a no.

East and West Germany...uh, that worked out so well economically, didn't it? (By the way, German Neo-Nazis all come from East Germany because they were not told in school that Germany had committed a crime against humanity during WWII.)

North and South United States before the Civil War--so much a Two State Solution--well we all know how that one worked out. (By the way, the reason there are proud Confederates is because they are taught that the Civil War was a just war, about state rights, and not about slavery. It is like the declarations of succession never mentioned slavery as the reason to go to war--oh, wait, the documents say exactly that.)

Current Republican-Democrat Two Party Please Burn All the Traitors Stand-Off...we will have to just wait and see. (And the reason, members of one political party think that the members of the other political party is just a bunch of traitors is--drum roll please--because they are taught by the leaders of their own party that the other party are nothing more than traitors.)

Given the historical evidence that a Two State Solution will not work, the only way I see a successful Israel-Palestine dual state working is if tentacled aliens from outer space atomic laserized all the other capital cities and economic centers off the face of the Earth.

So let me now say something nice about President Donald J. Trump.

He might be the only politician in the entire world that is willing to admit that the Two State Solution is not going to work. Or maybe not--I am still waiting for the midnight rage tweet to tell me why he really did this. But if he recognized Jerusalem as Israel's capitol because he believes that it is time to consider an One State Solution, then I admire his courage to break ranks with the traditional thinking on this issue.

And yes, I know--I am evil bastard for looking at the historical examples and not being able to find one that actually work. As always, there is the glorious comment section where you can tell me that I am an evil bastard who has it completely wrong.

(Do I support a Two State Solution?...yes...for humanitarian reasons...but my knowledge of history tells me that it will probably never work without something major happening that makes both Israel and Palestine band together in the name of enlightened self-preservation--in other words, aliens from outer space. Again, there is the comment section to call me names in.)

The esoteric heart of the world according to many authorities.

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Is the term House Elf racist? (weird thought of the month)

A few months ago, Bill Maher (Real Time) made a horrible joke that he was a House-N-Word, and the internet lost its collective mind. And ever since the following question has been disturbing me (pretty much on a daily basis): Is the term "House Elf" racist?


My first thought, after I heard what Bill Maher said, was "He should have said, 'House Elf'; it would have been funnier. I would have said 'House Elf.'" My second thought was, "OMG--am I a racist for making House Elf  jokes?!?"


And I make a lot of them. My favorite one is "It is just like being a House Elf without the job satisfaction." My second most used one is "Do I look like a House Elf?"


I would use the "A House Elf must be set free--Master has given Dobby a sock--Dobby is free!!!" joke, except my wife never hands me her dirty laundry; she just leaves it laying around.


I am fairly sure that I would have to explain the last joke to her...because I am a much bigger Harry Potter fan than she is. Then I think that she would roll her eyes at me, and call me "weird."


So is the term "House Elf" racist? Leave your opinion in the comment section, but please bear in mind that I am probably going to continue to make House Elf jokes because it amuses me to do so. For instance, have you heard about the one about the House Elf and the cat litter box...


Funny or not? Political incorrect or not? You decide.






Monday, November 20, 2017

The sexual misdeeds of Aleister Crowley (Creepy Uncle of Wicca and Golden Dawn)

The other day, some imp forwarded a Facebook notification to me--someone declared that it was time to reveal Aleister Crowley's sexual abuse of....


*yawn*


Seriously, is there any occultist alive today who does not know the legend of Wicca and Golden Dawn's creepy family member, the randy Aleister Crowley? Of the hearts he broke? Of the demons and drugs he ingested? Of the goats he touched?


It is not news that he did such things. In fact, I am fairly sure that he bragged about doing such things. I could be wrong about the bragging; I haven't read any of his works in over a decade.*


[*Yes, I know--I have to turn in my magical union card right now, for ignoring all the great things found in Crowley's works. But I have been busy: hexing Presidents; causing tires to fall off the back of trucks; cleaning litter boxes; debating about whether or not, I want to go back to university to earn my Masters degree; writing a horrible satire about the true history of the modern occult world--you know--unimportant stuff.]


My rule of thumb: Assume Crowley sexually harassed everyone he ever met. And that he porked everyone who didn't run away fast enough. If he was alive today, he would still be the creepy uncle saying, "You are sexy. Want to do drugs and make out?"**


[**It should be noted that there are a couple of people in the modern occult community that I think that even Crowley would say, "Thanks, but no thanks" to if the possibility of porking them ever came up. In fact, some of his greatest haters fall under the label: "So fugly that even Aleister Crowley would not do them."]


The wonderfulness about my rule of thumb is that I do not have to waste time wondering if he sexually harassed, and possibly porked someone. I can go directly to the question that his lifestyle always generates: "Could Creepy Uncle Al be right about the nature of the universe?"


And the question comes up a lot.


The genius occult leader who came out and shouted, "It is time to reveal Crowley's worst sexual misdeeds!!!" is a little late to the party.*** I understand that talking about powerful men abusing their positions and grabbing pussy while stroking their pickle is the hot topic of the month. Yes, let's hop on that flaming dumpster fire of a parade float, shall we?


[***In all fairness, the occult leader may have gone on to do something witty, like post pictures of cute goats--I don't know--I do not read his posts because: 1--I am not interested in Alt-Right politics, 2--He has been making up lies for nearly twenty years about all the greatest occultists, 3--It is more fun to clean out the litter boxes, and 4--I am banned and blocked from his Facebook group. The most important reason for not reading his stuff is number three; least important is four...because I could make a sock if I really, really wanted to read his posts.]


 That flaming dumpster fire of a parade float comes by once a day if you live near the intersection of MagicIsFun and CrowleyWasTheGreatestAdeptEver. And it has been running for years--it is more reliable than any bus or train I have ever encountered. At least once a day on the internet, someone says...


"Aleister Crowley was a sexual predator; and therefore, we should toss all his stuff into a dumpster and set fire to it because there is absolutely no way that a pervert could create a decent occult system with any merit in it."


Wait, that sounded too educated. Let me try again...


"Crowley! Sex! Drugs! Satan! Bad! Very bad! Run away!"


This is the type of person who does not listen to eighties hair metal because the musicians are indulging in Sex! Drugs! Satan!...and maybe Crowley!


Because nothing entertaining and interesting has ever been created from that evils of a rock and roll lifestyle.


And Aleister Crowley was definitely someone who lived a rock and roll lifestyle. It is expected that such people live such a outrageous lifestyle. If you met Crowley, you would be disappointed if he didn't offer you some candy and a ride in his van. (You don't want to be one of the fugly people, do you?)


So the real issue is not that Aleister Crowley was a sexual menace to society, but rather "Does the work of Aleister Crowley contribute to our knowledge of the occult sciences and its history?"


And the answer to that is: Yes.****


[****More so than photocopying the same ritual fifteen times, and declaring it a masterpiece.]


Like it or not, Crowley contributed ideas and beliefs to the modern occult world. He is a source for what the early Golden Dawn looked like. His works have been raided for lessons and rituals by many modern occultists. He influenced a lot of people, including members of both modern Golden Dawn and Wicca. He is important.


And not liking his rock and roll lifestyle does not change that fact.


Sorry.


Next time you want the internet to go wild, I suggest posting pictures of cute goats.


If you do not find Aleister Crowley sexy, then there is something wrong with you...like you have eyes.

Friday, November 10, 2017

Thankful for a working dishwasher (my cats are not house elves)

I am really, really thankful that I have a working dishwasher again. We did not having one for like, forever.* And that made me unhappy.

[*My wife says that it was not as long as I claim. It felt like years and years to me while she insists that it could not have been more than two years. Guess which one of us has to do the dishes.]

I mean really unhappy. I don't like doing dishes. Washing dishes is like being a house-elf without the job satisfaction.

And doing dishes has always been my job in this household. When we were dating, I would go over to her apartment at the end of the week to discover that there was a week worth of dirty dishes in her sink waiting to be done. (Seriously--every week!) So after having to do dishes at my job for five (or six) days in a row, I got to relax and do more dishes!

One of the things I liked about the house when we brought it was that it had a dishwasher. Having a dishwasher is just like having a house-elf without all the back-talk.

I was really sad when the dishwasher died--partially because I knew that the budget was tight. And there was a tree that needed cutting down, a death trap of a sidewalk that needed replacing, car repairs...the list was endless.

We didn't have a working dishwasher for so long that I thought we would never get a new one. (Ask me about how I feel being poor.) There was always something more important to deal with.

In the end, I think my wife only made room in the budget because she got tired of watching the dirty dishes pile up, the endless soaking in the sink (I could soak the same sink full of dishes for a whole week if I didn't feel like doing them), and me playing "how high can this stack get?" Turns out I have a higher tolerance for dirt than she does.

I really like our new dishwasher.

The previous dishwasher looked like the previous owner brought the cheapest floor model that he could find. It had absolutely no bells and whistles. Basically, it was a sprinkler in a box.

My new dishwasher is a nice one (and it belongs to me--I told her that what I wanted a dishwasher for Xmas last year). We went to the factory outlet store to find a "previously owned" or "comes with a dent" model. But I really, really liked one that was completely new. It was on sale (it was only fifty dollars more than a model without bells and whistles). And my wife actually allowed me to pick the dishwasher I wanted.

(It is a Kenmore Ultra-Wash, if you are curious.)

One of the things I love is that it has more than one cycle. My dishwasher, more or less, had two cycles: loud rinse, and loud wash (could not run the dishwasher after my wife went to bed). This new one has bazillion cycle options*: quick rinse, one hour wash, pots and pans, Smart Wash and a couple of others. And it is so quiet (except for quick rinse and one hour wash---but you would expect to hear complaints from elves whenever you needed a dish in a hurry).

[*Ok, I might be miscounting. But it felt like a bazillion options after my last dishwasher.]

I love the Smart Wash cycle. I can just load the dishwasher, no soaking of the dishes at all,* and just start it and walk away. Sure, it takes four hours, but considering I don't want to do even ten minutes of dishes by hand--it is so worth it.

[*My wife recently baked some sweet potatoes with marshmallows. To clean it by hand, you need a soak and a chisel. No rinsing, no soaking--and it came out perfectly clean. Have I mentioned I love my new dishwasher?]

The only issue we had with the new dishwasher is that after playing "Can I get this stack up to the ceiling?" for so long, I am prone to running the dishwasher once a day. Now, the poor person I am (my father raised eight kids on close-to a minimum wage salary), I feel guilty if the dishwasher is not completely full. Is it wrong to run the dishwasher when it is not a hundred percent full? And why is it, whenever I chose to wait that I end up with two full loads instead? (Please note that my wife is happier with me doing dishes everyday...I am not sure--that might be the only thing that matters.)

So yeah, I really love having a working dishwasher. Does that make me shallow?

If I eat the leftovers and lick the plate, does that count as "doing the dishes"?