Friday, January 20, 2017

Summary of my birth chart from a WIP

[From a work-in-progress (Death to the Great Gherkin)]

On the Fourth of July in the year of…well, we actually do not know the year that the magician known as the Great Gherkin was born. Which is a real shame because if we had the exact time, day and year, we could read the Great Gherkin like an open book without all that messing having to interact with him.

For instance, using the secret Hermetic art of temporal divination, we know that the Great Gherkin’s least favorite critic was born on the day of the Ax Murderer in the year of the Disgruntled Monkey, during the hour of the Hungry Cat, and on the exact minute of the Bridge Troll. It is not a real surprise that the Great Gherkin’s least favorite critic is an angry blogger who owns a dozen cats and rage posts at one in the morning. If the critic did not do this, we might have to call into question whole swathes of the esoteric tradition, including the age old school of astrology. 

Now, as we were saying, the Great Gherkin was born on the Fourth of July, better known in occult circles as the day of the Patriotic Tax Dodger…

Hail to President Trump (Hail to the future President-for-life the holy Emperor of America)

Today, the greatest American President ever takes the oath of office.

I have been told that he is the greatest President ever.

That he is so great that he is the greatest President ever even before he takes the oath of office.

One that truly understands poor people.

Understands them so much that he knows that they need to pay 100% of the taxes in this country.

That they don't need healthcare.

That they don't need social security.

That they don't need freedom of the press.

That they don't need education.

That they don't need laws restricting bankers and corporations.

That they don't deserve veteran benefits. Because only losers who didn't have the decency die in battle or are weak want VA benefits.

That they don't need clean water and air. Or icebergs. Or polar bears. Because--fucking polar bears!

That they deserve to be kicked out of the country if they are not Christian, not white, and not rich.

That they need to enrich his family and his business. And all of his appointees.

That they will be willing to vote him in for a second term, and a third term (and will take up arms to overturn the Constitution to give him a third term because he is that great, and onwards to his lifetime appointment, and then onward to his appointed heir--because poor people need rich people to rule over them and he is the greatest rich person of all).

That the only thing that America really needs is Russian hugs, more nuclear weapons, and a really great wall.

And that Hollywood really needs to be nuked off the face of the Earth, along with the rest of his critics and China. Because fucking Hollywood! And fucking China!

A President who truly understands that all liberals need to be placed against a wall and shot in the head like the traitors they are. Because fucking liberals!

Because hey, it will entertain the poor people and distract them from the fact that the only people who will benefit from his Presidency are rich people who can afford their own personal fallout bunkers.

Because after all, the only thing that poor people really need is entertainment and midnight rage tweets. 

And yes, I don't like him--therefore, I am a traitor.

I didn't vote for him--therefore, I am a traitor.

I am married to an ESL teacher--therefore, I am a traitor.

I am not a Christian--therefore, I am a traitor.

I dared to write this post--therefore, I am a traitor.

But never fear--the greatest American President will totally approve of you burning me at the stake.

After all, I am a poor person, and I totally deserve to die in a cloud of radioactive Cheeto dust, but failing that a good old fashioned witchhunt is just as good.

All hail President Trump! The man of gold who totally understands that poor people exist only to enrich the wealthy. And knows that now that he is in office, he doesn't have to keep a single promise that he made to you.

Because hey, poor people totally are losers and deserve to be screwed. And if they didn't want to be screwed, they wouldn't have voted for him in the first place.

And he is the greatest American President. Because you are about to be screwed in a manner that you have never been screwed before. It will the greatest screwing that America has ever had. It will be an awesome screwing. You will be screwed so much that you will get tired of screwing.

Oh, have I mentioned that "winning" is his code for "screwing poor people"?

You might have missed that fact, especially if you were poor and actually voted for him.

But you did know that he was lying about caring about you all along, right?

Right?

Or are you still delusional that he actually cares about you?

As always, feel free to leave your death threats in the comment section--because hey, if you don't like Trump, you deserve death, right?

How I feel about America at the moment. 

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Raise your wand for Trump (nope no never)

Lately, I have been seeing a lot of "raise your wands" pleas to protect President Donald J. Trump, who is beset with hidden assassins, secret government plots, angry violent liberal protestors, and those evil criminal liberal journalists and satirists.

And I have to ask, "Why is protecting Trump so important to you?"

It is not like he cares for anything other than his own bottom line. You are not going to get a damn thing out of this man other than entertainment and some mighty fine bills for projects that end up enriching his own companies.

And it is especially amusing because these people who want to protect him are Pro-Constitution, yet want to see a Muslim registry, the ending of birth-right citizenship for non-white people, and want to protect people like Alex Jones while jailing all liberal journalists because they are traitors and do not deserve freedom of speech. Funny how you think that the only people protected by the Constitution are white Trump voters.

I simply don't see the payoff.

After all, this is a man who said several times during his victory tour that the issues that the voters cared about, and that he shouted support for during the election, don't actually matter to him now that he has been elected. In other words, he lied about what he planned on doing just to get your vote, and now that he is in office, you can go screw yourself. 

Because it is best that he allowed to f*** America anyway he feels like...
But still people want to protect this man from all influences other than his own internal greed and ego.

Last Fourth of July, I made a satire video about binding the bastard. And I was amazed at the number that I should be jailed (or outright burned at the stake) for exercising my freedom of speech to say that I did not trust the man, and that I thought no poor person in their right mind should vote for him...because he ain't going to bring back good paying factory jobs (the jobs that do come back are going to be filled with robots), especially after he said that Federal minimum wage was already too high. Perhaps you will get a factory job from him...but only after he lowers the minimum wage to ten cents an hour.

And already I don't like him as President. Midnight wage tweets, putting a man who wants to do away with the Department of Education in charge of the Department of Education, basically blacklisting journalists who reveal bad things about him, and putting swamp gators in charge is not my idea of a decent President.

But hey, I don't think that my teacher wife should lose her job (oh, she teaches ESL), and I should not have to worry about my life for saying bad things about the President--but here we are in a brave new world where the only thing that matters is Trump's ego and wallet. Feel free to leave your fucking death threats in the comment section.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

DWQ Wealth and the Lucky Witch release day

Today is the release date for the latest issue of the Denver Wealth Quarterly--Wealth and the Lucky Witch (Imbolc/Ostara 2017).

Get it now at pre-release price. (99 cents USD--regularly $2.99 an issue)

Denver Witch Quarterly is a magazine devoted to paganism, Wicca, witchcraft, magick, and the occult.

In this issue, we explore money, wealth, luck and prosperity, and the magic necessary to obtain such. Also articles on Imbolc and Ostara, as well as editorials about current events in the magical community.

Editorials:
Don't tell me how to vote: Cause I never vote (BHC)
Not a big enough safety pin—MDE

Humor
Totally not a racist (Big Name Occultist)
Seen on the internet: Trump-Pence hair joke

Fiction
[Flash fiction] What do we want—Morgan Drake Eckstein
All Sales Are Final—A. J. Hallows

Poetry
"A Kiss of Bliss, or Misery?"—The Broom Hill Crow
Body of a Goddess—Erin Lale
Blame It on the Wine. Or Kali. Or Both.—Shea Herlihy-Abba
My Parents Don’t Like Kali ‘Cause She Drives a Mustang—Shea Herlihy-Abba

Instructional
Luck--Moon Gazer
Some wealth magic tips--MDE

Rituals
Shining the light on this year’s plantings at Imbolc—Moon Gazer
Ostara’s Plantings—Moon Gazer

Wealth and the Lucky Witch (DWQ Imbolc/Ostara 2017)
 Now available for purchase at the various online ebook retailers. 

Amazon

Apple

Barnes and Noble

Kobo

Smashwords

And coming soon to Scribd!

Friday, January 13, 2017

Going to Taco Bell for yummy fried chicken tacos

Breaking News! Taco Bell is going nationwide with a taco with a fried chicken taco shell and avocado ranch sauce....and why is this Breaking News for Fox News?!?

I mean, yeah, I am sure to try it at my local Taco Bell (which doubles as a KFC)--well, provided that they have it (often they don't have stuff)--just like the rest of America is going to try it...because we are all heart attacks waiting to happen...and because it is a FRIED CHICKEN SHELL!!!

But that is hardly Breaking News that Taco Bell has mastered the art of poisoning America with "food." So Fox News, what are you not reporting on while you cover this? Has Trump already started locking up journalists? Are could it be that Fox News is just another entertainment channel? Or is Fox News getting paid big bucks to secretly advertise this delicious taco? Inquiring minds want to know.

Inquiring minds would also like some free tacos...because TACOS!!!

Doesn't that look delicious?

Thursday, January 12, 2017

February birthday installment delayed (Mostly true Astrology)

Decided to kick the Mostly True Astrology February Birthday installment to Feb. 15th (two weeks later) because I am having a cold start on the project. (File under "things writers sometimes have to do to preserve their sanity.")

Born in February--Mostly True February Birthday Horoscopes

Sunday, January 1, 2017

What day is it again?

Planning a Fourth of July BBQ really early in the year?!?
Today's (January 1st) email from some astrology service mentions Fourth of July BBQs....I am guessing that these are randomly selected by a computer and are never looked at by a real life human being before being sent out--so Happy 4th of July unless my calendar is right and it is actually January 1st--in which case, Happy New Year!