Saturday, April 29, 2017

You have survived 100 days of Trump (accomplishment unlocked)

Congratulations America! You have survived the first hundred days of President Donald J. Trump! Have a cookie. Or three. Boxes, that is---because you still have 1361 days to go. Or 2822 days, if he gets re-elected (and you know that he is going to). And 4283 days, if his fans insist on him getting a third term, which they will because he is the greatest American President ever (who cares about what the Constitution says about Presidential term limits--it is Trump!).

Be proud of your President--we are still alive!
We all know that Trump kept all his campaign promises, just like we knew he would, and we all now have unicorns (very fluffy unicorns--they are the best unicorns ever!).

Here was Trump's plan for his first hundred days.
It is amazing how much he has accomplished in the first hundred days: The middle class has been saved. Products and goods sold in America are only made in America by American workers who get paid decent wages. We are awash in energy from coal--and green energy is gone forever. The environment is protected, and we got rid of that Chinese hoax called Global Warming. Our children are properly educated; our teachers well-paid. Obamacare is gone--replaced with the best health care ever with reasonable insurance premiums for everyone. Both children and elders are well-cared for; both having lots of food and hugs. There are no more illegal immigrants, who all left the country of their own free-will--plus we have the most beautiful Southern Border Wall, and construction is about to start on the Northern Border Wall to keep those evil Canadians out. Terrorism is a thing of the past. All non-Christians in America have accepted Jesus into their hearts, therefore we don't have to burn anyone at the stake. Our neighborhoods are safe, drug-free, and full of good guys with guns. There are no longer any spies or hackers inflicting harm on Americans. And best of all, corruption in government no longer exists. It is the greatest economic boom time that the country has ever seen with civil liberties for all good boys and girls.

Trump promised great things, and boy did he deliver. When he said that Americans would win so much that we would get tired of winning--boy was he right--I am tried of all the winning that the President has accomplished.

Oh wait, that is what my mother thought he would accomplish.

President Trump draws a cat--and America is so proud of him.
What has he actually accomplished? Well, he drew a cat--or was that Fake News? He hasn't started World War Three...yet. He provided lots of material for protestors and comedians to work with. He has written lots of midnight bathroom tweets (ok, the tweets did not go live at midnight [more like three in the morning], and I have no proof that he is tweeting from the bathroom--but this is my story, and this is how I am telling it). He has called a lot of politicians, journalists, celebrities, and judges out for disagreeing with his idea that he can do whatever he wants to do. And he has annoyed the leaders of every country in the world.

Not bad for his first hundred days. Here I was expecting public lynchings and witch burnings, nuclear explosions, and the worst economic depression since Ogg decided that all the world really belonged to him because he had the biggest club in the cave.

But if you are still concerned about Trump, there is always the monthly witchcraft ritual to bind his orange ass, because while the other branches of the government are slowing him down, one cannot be too cautious when you are one of the people that his policies are guaranteed to hurt. 

For full text of Global Binding Ritual of Trump, click here. 

For a full list of future Bind Trump dates, click here. 

Friday, April 28, 2017

Pharaoh Trump's defense of his first hundred days (quote of the day)

"Much of Trump’s [defense of his first hundred days as President] could have been employed by the pharaoh who ruled after the one in the book of Exodus. The cattle haven’t all died. We’ve seen less fiery hail. And pestilence has been kept to an acceptable minimum."--Michael Gerson (The Washington Post: We set a low bar for Trump. He still failed to meet it.)

Are you an evil witch or magician who thinks that Trump is going to turn us all into radioactive clouds of orange cheeto dust? Consider taking part in the global monthly waning crescent moon ritual to bind the actions of President Donald J. Trump.

For full text of Global Binding Ritual of Trump, click here. 

Dates for future Global Bind Donald J. Trump rituals 

[Asterisked * dates are slightly moved from the last quarter crescent moon to occur on significant dates.]


February 24; March 26; April 24; May 23; *June 21* (*Summer Solstice*); July 21; August 19; September 18; October 17; November 16; December 16

For a full list of future Bind Trump dates, click here. 

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Happy birthday Mom (honored dead)

Today would have been my mom's 72nd birthday. (She died two years ago.)

Anubis Lord and Guardian of the Dead.
Blessed be SLR-E, mother of MDE, may the lords of the afterlife, Isis and Osiris, Anubis and Bast, look after you, and provide you with light and rest, comfort and pleasure, food and drink. So mote it be, according to the words of the scribe-magician MDE. 

Happy days.

Bad transformer finally fixed

For several years, there has been an ugly looking transformer in the alley right behind my house and art studio. I am not sure how old it was--because it was there when we brought the house fifteen years ago--but I first became aware of the fact that it needed replacing thirteen years ago (or thereabouts) when the power line fell and hit the back of the house.

The repairmen who worked on fixing the mess from the fallen power line, pointed out that the transformer was ancient and should be replaced...but given how far behind Excel Energy was in replacing transformers, it would probably have to explode and catch on fire first (setting both my house and the neighbor's house, along with my wife's art studio on fire in the process--because all these buildings are that close together and one of them is directly under the telephone pole that the transformer is on).

And every time that other repairmen and electricians have been out in the alley since then, they would remark, "Damn, that is not good."

I dunno... how many dinosaurs...
...nested on top of this transformer.
A couple of days ago, I am sitting out in the studio, along with the studio cat, pretending that I was going to get around to taking the latest batch of pottery photos (I swear that I am going to do them today) when I heard some people talking in the alley. Sticking my head outside, I see a bunch of Excel Energy employees and two trucks, and them looking up at the transformer.

And I overhear "that tree probably saved that transformer..." which I really hoped did not refer to this transformer.

Then they moved on, and I went back to pretending to get ready to take photos while actually thinking about and outlining my latest bit of fiction (an Ancient Egyptian story).

Yesterday, we got a message on the answering machine from Excel saying, "Tomorrow you will experience a brief three hour power blackout while we work on a transformer in your neighborhood."

Oh could it be that they were going to replace the transformer at last?

Well, I wasn't holding my breath.

And today, this is what I saw when I went out and looked up at the transformer.

A brand new transformer!
So a big thanks to Excel Energy for finally replacing that transformer--hopefully, it lasts a hundred years (because that seems about the speed that one can expect them to be replaced and updated in my neighborhood).

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Comment moderation--why the time lag?

I just approved a half dozen comments that were stuck in the pending stack--one from November. *sticks tongue out* The reason that comments get lost in the pending stack is that I ignore my email accounts, and seldom look under the pending tab on the blogger control panel. Please note that I approved all except for the two that looked like they were just attempts to drop links into my comment section ("Hi. Great blog! Read mine at ihaveanopinion@bestbloggerever!)--because I am an a******.

(Please note that I would prefer not to have to approve comments, but I had flamewars and spam aplenty when I haven't moderated comments on posts older than two weeks.) 

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Happy Earth Day (please do not recycle the brains of dubious occult leaders)

Happy Earth Day! Please remember that the brain of Abby Normal, the world's greatest Witch Queen is not recyclable. A single bit of such brain matter can destroy the value of all the other recyclables that you have used in the creation of a brand new esoteric system. Check with your local recycling system for further restrictions.

Which brain should we use in the creation of the greatest esoteric tradition ever?
Oh right, the brain of a dubious occult leader.
On a serious note, one needs to learn the ins and outs of recycling. For instance, do not recycle garden hoses--they get tangled up in the machinery used in recycling. Also do not recycle broken glass or food waste because such items will destroy a whole batch of recycled paper. And remember that certain recycling programs do not accept certain types of recyclable material, so always check with the website of your local recycling program to see what material they can't process with their existing equipment. Together, we can make a greener planet.

The more you know...the fluffier the unicorns get.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Why Trump hates marijuana (Nixon would have been so proud)

One of the policy positions of the Trump "totally not swamp gators--they just look like the normal Washington D. C. swamp gators with their big business and banking connections--really, they are just crocodiles (which are not alligators!) totally looking out for the interests of America....or at least, the winners in America*" Republican administration is that as a law and order President, the Department of Justice is going to enforce the severe marijuana laws (because smoking dope will turn you into a serial ax murderer) and totally ignore the rights of citizens on the state level** to decide that they want to smoke the pot.

[* "Winner"--those Americans who make more than a hundred million dollars a year.]

[** "But it is perfectly ok if your state decides that all those strange sexes, starting with the vanilla gays and lesbians, and going though all the variations of sexual identity {that are not completely and absolutely straight and Bible approved} until you get to those who love tentacles shoved up various body parts, can't go to the bathroom, can't get married, can't order goods and services, and most importantly can't get jobs. We respect state rights to decide what they want to do...:"]

And I think that it has nothing to do with pot turning people violent (which according to the Justice Department happens all the time, just proving that marijuana is the devil's drug of choice).

No, I think that enforcing the nation's pot laws (including mandatory sentences), and opening the door to kicking down down and arresting those with recreational and medical pot in states that voted for that sweet, sweet marijuana tax income, has everything to do with "President Nixon really knew how to run a government." And Trump's need to be able to arrest protestors and make sure that they end up rotting away in a prison workforce (but that is ok, big corporations forced to do business in the United States can hire prisoners for ten cents a day!!!--Look at those winners!!!***), and never again say that he is a bad President.

[***And there are even more winners as Big Pharma develops artificial marijuana meds and charges a thousand dollar a pill!!! {Seriously, most of the money to defeat new marijuana measures comes from Big Pharma companies...who are in no way connected with anyone in the current administration, we swear, and never lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.} Plus the consumer gets to win as they receive incentives (pain, agony) to sell everything they own to pay for their meds. Look at all the economic benefits you get when you keep marijuana illegal.]

For those who missed the point of the Richard Nixon reference, we now know that the Nixon administration placed emphasis on enforcing pot laws, so that black civil rights and anti-war protestors could be harassed, arrested and jailed, getting those dirty rotten protestors off the street once and for all. We know this because a former member fo the Nixon administration said this in an interview a few years ago.

...and I suspect that if Trump's DOJ does start aggressively enforcing the marijuana laws and decides that states had no rights to legalize pot, that in forty years, we will learn that it was all about getting rid of those who kept criticizing Trump.

So if I am ever arrested by the Feds for smoking pot, it will be because some Trump loving dubious occultist decided to call the FBI and get me arrested--all in the name of stopping my lying journalist ways, shutting me up about both Trump and the dubious occult leaders who think that he is the best thing since secret societies and lineages were invented. 

Does coloring relieves stress? Welcome to the Trump's America coloring experiment group.
Concerned with the actions of President Donald J. Trump and his administration of "totally not swamp gators"? Consider taking part in the monthly binding spell of Donald "Jesus" Trump and those who enabling his actions.

For full text of Global Binding Ritual of Trump, click here. 

Dates for future Global Bind Donald J. Trump rituals 

[Asterisked * dates are slightly moved from the last quarter crescent moon to occur on significant dates.]


February 24; March 26; April 24; May 23; *June 21* (*Summer Solstice*); July 21; August 19; September 18; October 17; November 16; December 16

For a full list of future evil Bind Trump rituals, click here.