Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Yin Yang Peppermint Patty (Tarot Blog Hop)

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Welcome to the June Tarot Blog Hop. For the theme of this hop, Aisling, our fearless wrangler, pointed out that just as the Oak King, Cernunnos (the Green Man), god of planting and the Waxing half of the year, is part of his opposite, Lugh, the Holly King (the Red God), god of harvest and the Waning part of the year, both being halves of a whole, so too are each of us comprised of two halves, a light and a dark.

Aisling wrote, "It is important in the understanding of this Lore to realize that the two Deities here represented are actually seen as one God, two Faces of the same Being, two aspects of life, and actually perform the combat between Oak and Holly as a necessary adaptation of their own Being, with the full understanding of the necessity of both a waxing and a waning year, planting and harvesting, and the joy of creation connected with the necessity of using that creation."

Likewise, she noted that it is important for us to understand the duality of our own natures.

Yang Yin Tarot Spread TBH June 2017.
Towards developing an understanding of this duality, she instructed us to pick a card to represent ourselves, our fundamental nature--our being. Then we were to choose a card that represented its "cognate opposite"--"the yin to our chosen yang." After that, we were to draw five cards at random, to represent the elemental energies in our lives, and to examine how the light and dark of our natures interacted with these forces.

Deck used: The Secret Tarots--Marco Nizzoli (Lo Scarabeo 1998).
Picking the Yang card was actually hard for me, mainly because I was faced with so many tasty options. Literally, I quoted Jeff from the cult TV show, Chuck--"How can I make up my mind when I have so many tasty options? I got so many tasty options..." which probably says that I need a more nerdy Tarot deck than the one that I am using.

I have always found it easier to see the darkness in myself than the light. Think of me as a Yin Yang Peppermint Patty--the dark is all visible with the light part all hidden away. For those who are curious, "Yin Yang Peppermint Patty" is a saying that I learned from my Gardnerian Wiccan aunt--it was the first thing that went though my mind when I read the theme of this Tarot Blog Hop.

The ease that I have in seeing the darkness in myself explains so many of my magical mottos--most of which can be summed up as "If I am a villain condemned to hell, I just as well have some fun on my way there."

Part of my problem with picking a Yang card is spiritual pride. For instance, I would love to be able to choose the Magician card as my Significator--after all, I am an occultist involved in using magic for spiritual development. But realistically, I am probably more of the Devil than the Magician, for as a ceremonial magician, I tend to beat on the universe with a large stick until it does what I want it to. This is a perfect illustration of a magician having a large ego--my only saving grace is that I know that I lean towards black magic, and can't be bothered to claim otherwise.

Sadly, I am just like Jeffrey Barnes from the cult TV show, Chuck.
In the end, I went with the card from my favorite Tarot deck that everyone associates with me: Four of Pentacles. In this particular Tarot deck, The Secret Tarots (Marco Nizzoli), the Four of Pentacles is represented by a man sitting next to a desk with an orb lamp, ink bottles, paper and a book--in other words, I think he might be a writer. (Or I could be wrong, and he could be the miser of the Waite/Smith/Rider deck--in which case, I grew up in a poor family and being cheap is a virtue--or so, my mother believed.) Ironically, in my mind, writers are magicians--this is just a more realistic version of a magician. And as my regular readers know, I fancy myself as a writer.

When I read the theme for this hop, I instantly knew what my Yin card was--the Eight of Swords. And I do mean that I knew instantly--there was no need to think about it any further. Like my Yin card, this is a more realistic version of a Major Arcana for me--yes, I can see the Devil in this card. In my case, my darkness is a mental state created out of being bipolar, being raised in a bipolar family, and being expected to sacrifice myself in the best interests of everyone else, and to only do things that made the rest of family (well, my mother) look good.

Or as I like to joke, the voices in my head can get really loud. "Will this project make money? Shouldn't you go back to flipping burgers--you would make more. Ain't you full of sinful pride? You are a lousy writer. It is your sister who is the real writer. What would Mom [and the rest of the family] think if this project became successful? Oh, the shame you are going to cause--the family is going to disown you." Basically, I am a prisoner in my own mental hell constructed by an unstable selfish bipolar mother.

How unstable and selfish was my mother? Oh, just the normal "Babysitting your siblings is more important than your homework" and "Oh, I am having a bad day, so let me throw you down the stairs" and "Oh, he doesn't visit me because he ended up in prison" and "Oh, you are a Wiccan...well, I am going to try to get you committed to a mental ward for being a Satanist." Never mind that I never served a day of jail time, and that I successfully managed a restaurant for ten years, and completely ignore any kind act you have seen me do. Is it any wonder that I can see my darkness much better than my light?

Moving along to the rest of the cards...

The Spirit (Wisdom) card I pulled was the Seven of Pentacles, a man looking at a growing tree. In my head, I have all these perfect plot ideas...which I tend to give up on before I am even remotely done with a project. Pat Zalewski (or was it his wife, Chris) said of this card that it sometimes indicates "There is a strong need to be financially secure to offset a deep emotional need for security" and that is really part of my Stop and Go problem as a writer. I can quickly get off the rails, and start project hopping (finishing nothing) when monetary shortfalls crop up--all in the hope of finding that golden money making project.

The Fire (Will) card I pulled was the Ten of Pentacles, a couple sitting outside of a house in one of those historical "take my picture and see how much wealth I have" poses. Having studied the habits of successful writers, I know that it is possible to make a comfortable living writing provided that one works hard and finishes projects. But there is that little voice saying that I should be doing something else and to quit wasting my time as a writer. One of the esoteric teachings about this card is that in order to accomplish the pinnacle of success, one needs to have the upper and lower worlds working in harmony. Interestingly enough, one of my current project ideas involves a lot of expensive research, and I mean a lot of research--yet I think that it would be a mighty fun project to write which would end up with loyal fans. Now if I could only get the voices in my head to shut up long enough to actually finish the research and the writing...

The Water (Intuition) card I pulled was the Lightning Struck Tower. On one hand, I hope to be a successful writer; on the other hand, I fear becoming a successful writer. Basically, I have some fear of being successful. While my mom died two years ago, I still think that some of my family will blow a gasket if I actually do become successful. And let's be honest, all writers end up with a horde of haters. On top of that, I would have no idea what to do with actual money, if I somehow ended up being one of those writers. Fortunately, as the voices say, I am a little delusional and can ignore the possibility of becoming successful.

The Air (Mind) card I pulled was the King of Pentacles. This is an one day at a time card--just keeping moving forward. The writer in me knows that writing projects take time to complete--there is research, rough drafts, beta readers, editing, etc. to do. And the crazy voices say, "Just one more day--then tomorrow you will give up and go do something else with your life, and everyone will be happy that you finally woke up to your senses."

The Earth (Action) card I pulled was the Four of Wands. This card reminds me of my wife. And to be honest, it is her income that is allowing me to stay at the table and continue to write. She is also the person who described to my doctor in horrific details the way that I was acting as an untreated bipolar--without her description, I would not be on the meds that I am currently taking. In addition, there is a "take joy in life" aspect to this card--"nothing ventured, nothing gained" says the writer; "have fun while you can" says the voices of doom and despair.

And so we reach the end of a reading that I am quite sure makes me sound like a loser, who is just one prize away from a Cracker Jack box. I would like to think that my display of public insanity makes you feel much, much better about yourself--or at least grateful that you are not me. And if not, just smile and say, "Yin Yang Peppermint Patty" to the next ten people you meet because that always cheers me up.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Father of Gump (what would my father think of me)

One of the things that I think about occasionally is what my father would have thought about how my life turned out.

For those who don't know: My father died in a semi-trailer accident in 1984, at the age of forty-two. He died while I was in Army boot camp. His death is the official reason that the US Army and I parted paths--because the Army thought that I was needed more back home (I am the oldest of eight kids). That idea did not pan out because my mom did not want me to return home (she was worried that I would affect her survivor benefits from Social Security)--which is probably a good thing considering how "evil" my life turned out to be (to her dying day, my mother would call me a Satanist...which I am not).

So basically, my father never saw any of my adult life.

Sometimes I believe that I would have been more successful if he would have lived longer. He was always the encouraging one. But I will admit that occasionally, he was ignorant of what direction I was headed. For instance, he was unaware of my desire to be a writer clear up to the end of my senior year in high school.

So I would like to believe that I would quit working food service sooner, that I would have went to college sooner, that I would have gotten treatment for my bipolar sooner, and that I would be more successful in my writing career--because of his encouragement.

Or maybe one of my sisters is right, and he would have completely disapproved of my life, and thought that I needed to taken down a peg or two.

Who f***ing knows.

What I do know is that he affected my politics, my approach to community service, my philosophy,  and how I tell stories.

I spent a lot of time with my father on various jobs. We remodeled houses together, worked on construction sites together (once spent the entire summer camping out on one job site out in the woods of Albert County), took me along to deliver produce to various customers (he actually was training me to take over the family produce company*), introduced me to farming and to the hobby of gardening. He also made sure that I was surrounded by books, and he tutored me and my sister to count change in our heads.

[*My sister likes to point out that the only reason that he was training me was that she wasn't old enough yet, and that he meant for her to take over the family business...which ironically, would have been totally acceptable to me--because I actually wanted to be a writer. This sister also points out that my writing totally s***s and that I will never be successful doing it as a career--she might have a point, but I am a crazy person and generally ignore her advice on that front.]

My father was the first comedian and story teller that I knew. In all fairness, many of his jokes were about Polish people....and I know that it is wrong that they still bring a smile to my face. And he told the same jokes over and over again--because each new job site or customer was a brand new audience. As a result of this, my first lessons in writing and revision came from my father.

We used to listen to talk show radio a lot. And he would argue back at the radio, "Well, that is not going to work out..." Plus him and Mom once campaigned for a candidate running for District Attorney here in Denver. So my getting up on a soapbox and sharing my political opinions would not have been foreign to him. And the rate I upset people, not a surprise at all--he often remarked that I would have been shot by the age of ten if I would have been born in Russia.

(He might have been surprised that I am still registered as a Republican--my mom insisted that all her kids had to be Republicans--hell, she would have demanded that I voted for Trump...except that her threat of disowning me for voting for the wrong person would have carried no weight because I was already disowned for being a Satanic witch.)

My interest in magic and the occult definitely would not have been a surprise--after all, he also sat at the table talking about Wicca and witchcraft with my aunt. He might have been surprised that I ended up in the pagan clergy category--or maybe not. After all, he had a touch of ESP (predicted the unification of Germany at a time that no one thought that it was possible).

I tend to think about him when I am gardening. Dad was the one who taught me how to compost, and stuff like that. He grew vegetables--which given that there was eight of his kids, and we were poor, made a lot of sense. I am not sure what he would have thought of my growing herbs, but I am sure that he would have understood my point that herbs are damn expensive at the store.

My deepest regret is that he never read any of my writing. When he was alive, I had to conceal my writing habit from my mom, who believed that writing was a sin. I was good at hiding what I was really up to. I especially regret that he did not live long enough to meet my wife, and read what I am currently working on--in fact, one of the characters in my Ancient Egyptian stories is partially based on him.

Still what can you do? Just fondly remember the man, and hope that he would have approved of where i am headed with my work. Happy Father's Day Dad--I miss you.

Happy Father's Day!

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Violence is not the answer (lets not open up that Pandora box)

A periodical conversation that has been occurring since the election:

Other person: I think that someone is going to assassinate Trump, and that would solve the problem.

Me: No, no, no!

It may surprise some to hear that I don't want President Trump assassinated or shot. Nor do I want to see other politicians shot. The outcome of such tactics would be disastrous. Imagine the backlash from trying to solve this problem with violence--it would just open the door to rounding suspects up and possibly open the door to South African style politics.

I don't want to see anything that might lead to Trump's (or Pence's) political power being enhanced by the use of police forces. I don't want to see Trump supporters screaming that liberals are violent traitors and need to be arrested, locked up, and even shot dead in the head. And I definitely do not want Trump to have an excuse to start jailing his political enemies, nor do I want his supporters to have an excuse to start killing those people who oppose Trump's (and their) political agenda.

Let me be clear: Once you start down that path--the American experiment of free and open elections ceases to exist.

No, the proper cause of action is to let Trump actually do some of the stuff he wants to do. People voted for him for a reason. And they need to see that his set of solutions will not make them safer, will not get them better healthcare, and will not bring back their old jobs. Maybe then they will be willing to elect a government that can actually fix these problems.

Trump dying prematurely will just turn him into a Republican saint. And we already have one of those--Ronald Reagan--who is invoked every time that the Republicans decide that only the rich count in this country. We do not need a Republican saint that can be invoked every time a Christian decides that shooting a journalist, a liberal, or a minority is what should happen.

No, let this man do his job the way he thinks that it should be done.

And let's watch his own party slowly come to terms with the fact that it is political suicide to let him get his way. And the Democrats realize why they actually lost (because they refused to talk about the lack of jobs in certain parts of the country).

(Please note that I do not believe that his hardcore supporters will ever change their minds. My mom is one of these people. I have spent thirty-five years trying to convince her that I am not a Satanist, that writing is not a sin, and that minorities are not the spawn of the devil. I don't expect his most loyal supporters to be anymore capable of seeing the light than she is.)

Let's us hope and pray that Trump is slowed down enough to keep the worst of his ideas from becoming law, and that if he is guilty of some high crime that he is impeached--furthermore, let's hope that the Republicans (especially Mike Pence) have realized that their ideas are placing their party's future on thin ice.

Let the system work the way it is supposed to.

And yes, I am still evil, and think that magic can help this along. But I do know that there will be those screaming that witchcraft is even worse--and what else is new?

Are you an evil witch or magician who thinks that Trump should be impeached--or at least, slowed down? Consider taking part in the global monthly waning crescent moon ritual to bind the actions of President Donald J. Trump.

For full text of Global Binding Ritual of Trump, click here. 

Dates for future Global Bind Donald J. Trump rituals 

[Asterisked * dates are slightly moved from the last quarter crescent moon to occur on significant dates.]


February 24; March 26; April 24; May 23; *June 21* (*Summer Solstice*); July 21; August 19; September 18; October 17; November 16; December 16

For a full list of future Bind Trump dates, click here.

A magical sigil being used by some to bind Trump.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

What is High Magic?

Recently someone asked me to clarify what High Magic was. After some muttering, and lots of talking to my cat, I wrote an answer--here is the best, non-snarky part of my answer. And yes, this is why I am not allowed to have students.

“High Magic” is a fancy term for the magic developed by medieval magicians who could read and write. Likewise, “Low Magic” is the magic that those who could not read used. The “High” and “Low” labels are based on…something. One theory is that Low Magic was developed in the low lands where the farmers lived, and High Magic was developed on higher ground. Another theory is that High Magic deals with achieving union with the divine, and Low Magic deals with lowly things like money. High Magic tends to be ceremonial and can takes hours or days, and Low Magic tends to be more spur-of-the-moment freeform “What do I have on hand, and can I do this spell under a half hour?”

I resisted the urge to make a Colorado magic joke...but for just for you, I will.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Keep calm and carry a beer (Saluting the British)

You can tell a lot about a country's psyche by how they react in a crisis.

And I have to admit that I love the British. (And the Aussies--I also love the Aussies.)

One of the iconic images out of yesterday's terrorism attack on London Bridge was a guy carrying a beer as he walked to safety. Brits--I salute you.

Keep calm and carry a beer.
And in the meantime, there are those in the United States screaming that this is why we need a Muslim ban, more guns, and to kick all the immigrants and colored people out of the country. Plus we have a Cheeto screaming that the mayor of London was far too calm when he pointed out that citizens were going to see more police on the street. Obviously, the soul of America is actually quite insecure and paranoid, and has a major fetish for guns.

(By the way, the reason that the Islamic State [aka ISIS, aka ISIL, aka the bastards that want to see all the "Crusaders" dead] asked for their agents to use trucks and knives was that there are a shortage of guns in Britain. If more guns were available, the terrorists would have used them...and the number of dead would have been in the double digits. Maybe, there is something to be said about not having every Tom, Dick and Harry armed with assault rifles.)

Of course, the British attitude towards all this is totally unacceptable. Just like the statement that London Mayor Sadiq Khan (oh my God, how could you elect a Muslim?!? screams the American patriot) made awhile back:

"Part and parcel of living in a great global city [like London] is you've got to be vigilant, you've got to support the police doing an incredibly hard job. That means being vigilant, having a police force that is in touch with communities, it means security services being ready, but it also means exchanging ideas and best practice."

Oh my god, not once did he mention the average Betty and Barney carrying a gun. Not once did he ask for a Muslim ban. Not once did he asked for a yugly big fence. And your average American patriot is going to claim this is why they suffer much more terrorism than we do in the United States.

And remember that only Radical Islamic Terrorism counts as terrorism--just ignore every wacked out White American Christian that shots a lot of people in public.

(Oh, the only thing I dislike so far about the English reaction is that their Prime Minister is now calling for the internet to be policed, so that terrorists are not able to put out action calls. This, at least, will be embraced by every gun nut in the United States who believe that liberals and bloggers like myself are terrorists and should be allowed to post our opinions. The Cheeto-in-Chief is totally going to call for a yugly big wall around the internet as soon as he hears about that idea.)

Friday, June 2, 2017

Trump says coal mining more important than golf courses

The last American President, Donald "Jesus is coming to save us!" Trump today declared that coal mining jobs were more important than golf courses.

Or at least that is what I imagine future historians are going to say about his decision to end American involvement in combating global warming.

After all, his justification is that the coal miners in Pittsburgh need jobs and that the Paris Agreement forbid such jobs.

Seriously, I have no idea why Trump said that he represented the voters of Pittsburgh while talking about coal mining jobs--maybe he thinks that Pittsburgh factories created coal--or something. Or that the factories in Pittsburgh pollute as badly as burning coal. Or use tons of coal. Or some logic beyond me.

Or maybe Trump is just an idiot who believes that global warming is a Chinese hoax designed to cripple American industry--kind of like minimum wage laws and occupational safety rules and all those other regulations that prevent lard being sold as pure butter.

Trump does not care about the environment; he only cares about making himself richer...and somehow environmental regulations are preventing this from happening. It is not like Trump has any property that is going to be underwater if all the ice melts.

Oh, look at all the places that go underwater in an ice free world.
Uh--if I go by this map, Trump really hates owning property that is not underwater.
But never mind what these maps seem to say because Trump is a genius guided by the Secret Chiefs of the greatest esoteric Order ever, protected by Adepts who love him more than they love money. If you don't believe me, watch who runs to defend his decision and who loudly expounds upon the fact that Alex Jones totally supports Trump's idea that global warming is a hoax.

And it will probably happen in my comment section.

Are you an evil witch or magician who thinks that Trump is trying to drown us all? Consider taking part in the global monthly waning crescent moon ritual to bind the actions of President Donald J. Trump.

For full text of Global Binding Ritual of Trump, click here. 

Dates for future Global Bind Donald J. Trump rituals 

[Asterisked * dates are slightly moved from the last quarter crescent moon to occur on significant dates.]


February 24; March 26; April 24; May 23; *June 21* (*Summer Solstice*); July 21; August 19; September 18; October 17; November 16; December 16

For a full list of future Bind Trump dates, click here.

A magical sigil being used by some to bind Trump.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

My top ten blog posts for May 2017

It is the end of the month and it is time for me to look at the top ten blog posts for the month...because I am a blogger, and wonder exactly what blog posts my readers are reading.

But first, an honorable mention--my Tarot Blog Hop post for May, which based on pure numbers actually should be in the top ten--but Blogger seems to weigh older posts heavier (for reasons that are beyond my understanding). The Tarot Blog Hop was about combining divinatory systems, but I spent more time talking about my fiery Mercury. [Mix and match divination]

Coming is at number ten is a post about a child shooting his own mother...which gun freedom nuts are perfectly ok with--because Guns are Great!!! [Child terrorists shoots his own mother]

Number nine is occupied by my post about how the global bind Donald Trump ritual was affecting the views of my July Fourth 2016 video talking about binding Donald Trump. That's right, I was binding Donald Trump before it became the cool "satanic" and witchy thing to do. [Why the spike in video views?]

Number eight was the ritual script for the global witchcraft binding ritual of President Donald Trump and all his little pals. It is so sad that Trump didn't get better ratings. Help him get better views by screaming at people that witchcraft is evil. [Global binding ritual of Trump]

Number seven was an advertisement for my wife's mortar and pestles. Yes, it was an advert, but it still counts as being a popular blog post. [New mortar and pestles available on Etsy]

Number six was my Earth Day post reminding people not to toss old hoses into the recycling bin, and not to use the brains of dubious occult leaders when they design new esoteric systems. [Do not recycle the Abby Normal brain]

And roaring into number five is Trump! That's right--not happy with just two slots on this hit parade, President Trump grabs a third as I talk about what Trump accomplished in his first hundred days in office, and what my mom thought he was going to accomplish--oh, the bitter disappointment. [Congrats! You survived the first hundred days of Trump]

And not happy with just three slots, Trump strikes again, taking spot number four by doing something totally legit and awesome--firing the director of the FBI. Yes, nothing to see there--move along. [Trump restores confidence in the FBI]

But just when you thought that occult news could not trend and get readers, an old post (two and a half years old) about the arrest of the Living God, E.A. Koetting grabs number three. Honestly, this post performs month after month, just proving that some people do actually use Google to check out occult authorities and personalities. Let's give a big round of applause to the Living God for continuing to generate traffic. [Thoughts on the arrest of E.A. Koetting]

And just when you thought that we were done with Trump, he inspires a post about how his treatment of secrecy and his midnight rage tweets reminds me of all the good times we have had with dubious occult teachers and leaders using the concept of secrecy to cover their asses and the their revealing of others' dirty laundry to destroy their enemies. Go Trump! Or is this more about dubious occult leaders? Go Great Gherkin and Jimmie Bob Beggains! Either way, it is our number two for the month of May. [Secrets declassified--the Golden Dawn edition]

So who is going to grab post number one of the month? Is it going to be some random post talking about nonsense? Maybe an occult lore piece? Can the dubious occult leaders win the day? Or will it be the last President of the United States?

And the answer found in an old mayo jar sitting on the help desk of Blogger is...

Dubious occult leaders!!!

Yes, in a surprise win, dubious occult leaders using lineage to prove that they are truly Wiccan Elders and the greatest occult authorities ever beats out President Donald Trump! Who would have guessed it? No one saw that one coming. Stand tall dubious occult leaders, you are still the number one reason that I blog. [Lineage dost not make an Elder]

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Using militias as security (oh what a wonderful idea)

Should militias be allowed to serve as security for public events? That's a question that came up last night after those nasty liberals started to call for Alt-right and pro-guns-for-everyone groups to cancel their events in Portland after a racist insult screaming Nazi saluting white person decided to kill a minority--and someone suggested that these groups should still be allowed their events provided that the groups provided extra security using militias.

You just can't make this stuff up in America. Damn you America, isn't my job writing satire hard enough without you actually making wacky suggestions?!?

Basically, these hate groups (hey, they fit the profile despite their claims that they are looking out for the real Americans...who just all happen to be gun carrying white people who believe all minorities and non-Christians should be expelled from the United States for not believing in their gun-toting white Jesus) believe that evil dirty traitorous liberals should not be allowed free speech, especially when they are protesting against the ideals of a pure white (a hundred percent white, get your ass out of here you nasty brown colored witch) society.

And the idea that they should be allowed to use a militia for security at their events, full of screaming that brown people are the children of the devil and need to be kicked out of the United States (if not outright killed by tasty poison gas and lovely shiny bullets), just makes me shudder at what would be the natural outcome...mainly, a bunch of liberals and minorities being shot dead because they used their freedom of speech to say that the United States is built on the concept of the melting pot, and that minorities and non-Christians also have basic human rights in this country.

Now, I am not saying that militias can't do the job successfully. After all, the Brown Shirts, a militia, did a bang-up job protecting their fearless leader and his gang during the glory days of Nazi Germany. But that kinda proves my point, that it is a really bad idea...not that White Only America supporters would care how that turned out to be bad for gays, Jews, and other minorities--after all, White Only America believes that Adolf Hitler had the right idea.

As always feel free to tell me how my liberal witch ass needs to be burnt at the stake for having Jewish ancestors and not worshiping the idea of a pure white America like our founding fathers intended.

Cat Militia will defend your right to steal your human's bacon!

Friday, May 26, 2017

DWQ submission call--esoteric leadership (and remembering Alia Denver OFMs)

Call for submissions: This upcoming issue of Denver Witch Quarterly, in part, is going to pay tribute to Alia Denny, the driving force behind Denver Open Full Moon rituals (Hearthstone Community Church) who died last month. So besides our regular mix of stuff, we are asking for articles that remember her. We are also looking for articles about what good leadership in the esoteric community looks like--how should an esoteric leader/teacher act?

Email submissions to basttemple [at] msn [dot] com

Margaret Alia Denny

Margaret Alia Denny

Submission FAQs.

Our deadlines throughout the year.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Memorial for Alia Denny (Hearthstone Community Church)

From Doug Peterson: This is Doug Peterson. I want to apologies for taking so long to figure out the memorial stuff. But here it is. The memorial for Alia Denny [president and founder of the Hearthstone Community Church--the Open Full Moon people] will be on Saturday May 27th. 2pm to 5pm. The location is the Althea Center at 14th and Williams St. Denver, Colorado. We are going to do a pot luck. Bring what you will. Don't plan on kitchen access. I'll bring raspberries. She loved those.

Margaret Alia Denny passed from this life on Friday, April 28, 2017.

[For those who are concerned with what is going to happen with Hearthstone--the board has already voted to continue providing support for Open Full Moon rituals.]

Margaret Alia Denny

Margaret Alia Denny

Star Wars 40th birthday (geeky occultism)

On the 25th of May forty years ago (1977), Star Wars premiered in movie theaters. I, personally, was not allowed to see it--because I was only twelve, and my parents thought that it would rot my brain--that and I was only taken to the movies that they wanted to see. It is not until sometime after 1984 that I saw the movie (I wish that I could be more exact, but I can't remember the year that I first got cable TV).

The extent of my Star Wars geekiness is an unfinished project called "Stars Wars in Poetic Form."

But there are those people...

Swish, swooch, buzz...
...including a mass market kabbalist, who seemed to really embrace Star Wars fandom. Seriously, a kabbalist used Star Wars symbolism to explain kabbalah. I think it was the elder Berg (Kabbalah Centre) who did it (but I can't be sure because I have misplaced my copy of the book--actually two volumes).

And he was the first. Since then, "Jedi" has became a religion (at least, for Discordians filling out government forms)--and some occultists claim to be on the Jedi side of the Force while their enemies are obviously evil Sith. I wish I was making this up...but we have all seen the self-proclaimed Big Name magicians photoshop their faces onto Star Wars pictures (to be fair, they like all popular culture stuff--I think that they believe that it makes them seem cool and trendy).

Plus, I am quite sure that every one of my readers have seen someone recite the Yoda quote in an occult discussion, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."

And the new Star Wars movies have just encouraged this behavior--with some odd results. For instance, one Big Name magician who loves being a Jedi, also teaches sex magic...given that the prequel movies (I to III) are actually f***ing canon, how the hell do you teach sex magic and still associate yourself with the Jedi?!?

Myself--I will admit that I might have incorporated the idea of the Force in how I describe the web of life, but that may just be me seeing a pagan/mysticism concept in a popular film.

And for those who wonder how much of a Star Wars fan I am--well, I haven't seen any of the new movies yet (I haven't even bothered to see if the local library has copies).

Yes, I must be treated as a source of pestilence--run away! run away!

But enough about Star Wars, Charlie Brown. It is time to refocus on Godzilla.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Secrets declassified (Golden Dawn edition)

Awhile back, one of my friends joked that our experience with dealing with dubious occult leaders was preparation and practice for living in a world ran by Donald Trump. I forget which of my friends said this, so you are just going to have complain to me about the comment (at this point, I assume that my friend is grateful that I forgotten their identity because they didn't want your nasty comments on their Facebook wall).

And I really had to agree the other day when America learned that President Trump had revealed secret information to the Russians as proof that he had the best intel ever. His defense? Oh, as President I have the right to declassify any information that he wants to.

And that sounded remarkably like a dubious occult leader saying, "I am the Grand Poohbah of all things occult--therefore, I can reveal any secrets that I like, because my imaginary friends say that I can."

So has the behavior and actions of dubious occult leaders been a training ground in how to deal with The Donald? Here are some examples of how secrecy has been treated in the esoteric community.

Reveal one: A favorite tactic of dubious occult leaders is to publish the work of other less-capable leaders and occult authorities--all in the name of "protecting potential students from the evils committed by that other group that is not as good as mine."

Reveal two: Airing the dirty laundry of former members. "So-and-so left (was expelled from) the group--and this is a good thing because 1) they are a convict (who conned me into giving them membership); 2) mentally unstable and seeing a doctor (and now they are taking a dozen meds per hour, so sad!); 3) conspiring to destroy me (proof: they keep saying bad things about me--all fake!).

Reveal three: Declaring that everything published about a system is Outer Order. "And by the way, my imaginary friends have given me boatloads of real secrets to make up for this because I am the bestest occult leader ever! Give me your money! And pay no attention to claims about how the occult is a graded system which is meant to gradually initiate and instruct you--because I can do years of advancement in just one session! Give me your money!"

Reveal four: Regardie, Crowley, and all those other nasty writers profaned the material..."But no problem--my imaginary friends have rewritten the rituals and lessons to restore secrecy. Plus they gave the new material only to me! Give me your money!"

Reveal five: Westcott leaving documents in a cab--bosses shocked that he is raising corpses! "And if you cross me, I will also tattle to your bosses that you are a necromancer--because it is tradition to reveal that secret to the bosses of the unworthy."

Reveal six: Nondisclosure agreements. "Remember that only I have the right to teach the stuff that I am teaching you. So no photocopying my lessons--not even if you cite me as their source."

Reveal seven: Offering to certify your group if you send them your proof of lineage and your secret documents. "Don't worry--I will send you back your originals, and I will honestly admit that I got the material from you, and would never dream of not certifying you. After all, I have the best lineage of all, and all the super-duper secrets, and that is proof that I am the best and most honest leader ever!"
"If these documents are discovered in a cab, please send them to this address--thank you, William Wynn Westcott."
Cover-up one: Getting the best reviews. "All of the reviews of my course are positive. No one ever says anything bad about my course. All those positive reviews are proof that I am the best ever. And all those negative reviews are Fake! So sad!"

Cover-up two: Funny masks. "And we are now wearing funny masks because some of our members are CEOs and famous politicians who do not want the public to know that they are a member of our Order. You can trust me--by the way, they told me that Pizza Gate was real!"

Cover-up three: Secret chiefs. "I am the only person in contact with the people who created our esoteric tradition. They live on a mountain in Tibet, yet were wise enough to see that I am the only person brilliant enough to bring magic into the twenty-first century. Give me your money!"

Cover-up four: Members keeping silent. "My members keep silent about my misdeeds because I have never committed any. And their silence proves that your wallet, credit rating, and young children (especially the virgins) are safe with me. Never mind that those who claim that they are silent because they are scared that I might set their car on fire. Such nonsense is Fake News!"

Cover-up five: The amazing catapult of lawyers. "Please erase all your vicious lies and publically apologize for saying that my pickle is very small, and that I can't hex my way out of a wet paper bag. Remember only the greatest esoteric leaders end up with free lawyers. And I have the best lawyer. The very best."

Cover-up six: Fixing your book reviews. "Your book is nothing more than a pack of lies. Therefore, I have told all my friends, members, and relatives to give it the one star book review that you so richly deserve. Remember that only my book is worth buying. It is the greatest occult book ever. And I did not use a ghost writer, or copy the work of other people--any such evidence to the contrary is proof that time travelers are trying to destroy me and my group."

Cover-up seven: My name, my papers. "Dear public library, I have recently trademarked the name 'The Greatest Occult group ever' and now retroactively own every paper ever written by the great occultists of the past. You are hereby ordered to remove from circulation all esoteric material by every occultist ever to live, and send the documents to me. Remember a Big Name Trademark Brand proves that I am the best, and therefore you must obey my request."

So what do you think? Do dubious occult leaders sound just like President Donald "Jesus" Trump? Are they his secret love children? Has their behavior prepared you for living in Trump World?

Are you an evil witch or magician who thinks that Trump is going to give the nuclear launch codes to the Russians? Consider taking part in the global monthly waning crescent moon ritual to bind the actions of President Donald J. Trump.
For full text of Global Binding Ritual of Trump, click here. 

Dates for future Global Bind Donald J. Trump rituals 

[Asterisked * dates are slightly moved from the last quarter crescent moon to occur on significant dates.]


February 24; March 26; April 24; May 23; *June 21* (*Summer Solstice*); July 21; August 19; September 18; October 17; November 16; December 16

For a full list of future Bind Trump dates, click here. 

Monday, May 15, 2017

Does historical fiction need to be accurate? (Especially if I am the writer)

One of the things that I have been kicking around is a story set in Ancient Egypt. Now I will probably never write it because I have now mentioned it on my blog which usually kills off any project that I discuss...because of...I am not sure--it may simply be that my brain says "You have told that story already--move on."

Of course, it may also be my perfectionist nature, or maybe there is a voodoo doll out there of me with lots of pins in it, or the fact that I worry about how other people will react to my work--who knows.

The big question that I am asking about this project is "How much actual historical accuracy do people expect?"

If readers expect a hundred percent accuracy, then let's be honest, they will be sadly disappointed in my work--because I have never allowed the truth to get in the way of a good story. That is a nasty habit that I picked up from my father, who used to tell jokes about the Polish (including the famous short runway pilot joke).

There is also the little fact that my degree is in general history, and not a deep degree focused on any particular time period.

Plus to use the best research and knowledge available on Ancient Egypt costs an arm and a leg. Doing research, I learned that many of the books that would be particularly useful to me, have price tags in the hundred of dollars (and one topped a thousand dollars).

And then there is the other side of the question, which is "Do Golden Dawn members expect fiction written by an Order member to reflect the teachings of the Golden Dawn tradition, even when the current academic research says that the Golden Dawn lore is completely and utterly wrong?"

For the one person who just said, "What? Golden Dawn is not historically accurate? That can't be true--the Imperator of Golden Dawn insists that the teachings of Golden Dawn are one hundred percent true to the Ancient Egyptian mysteries because our Order lineage goes all the way back to Ancient Egypt and beyond."--Sorry, someone has lied to you.

But none of these questions matter because I am probably not going to do any more work on the project--because that is the curse of mentioning it--which I am quite sure will make my favorite critic happy.

One of my favorite scenes from Stargate: "Why do they keep reprinting Budge?"

Saturday, May 13, 2017

New mortar and pestles available on Etsy (Khari Wiccan Treasures)

Here are four new mortar and pestles just listed on the Khari Wiccan Treasures Etsy page.

Plus we still have pentacle discs and small square dishes.
All mortar and pestles are food safe (non-lead glazes), dishwasher safe, microwave safe, with grooved bottoms (for better grinding of herbs), made from high-fire porcelain. Recommended cleaning method is dish soap and an old toothbrush. Shipped wrapped in bubble wrap and packing popcorn in recycled boxes.

Lime green mortar and pestle.
Small lime green mortar and pestle--$24 USD plus shipping and handling.

Mint green mortar and pestle.
Small mint green mortar and pestle--$24 USD plus shipping and handling.

Gun metal green mortar and pestle.
Small gun metal green mortar and pestle--$24 USD plus shipping and handling.

Sapphire blue mortar and pestle.
Small sapphire blue mortar and pestle--$24 USD plus shipping and handling.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Happy people with lots of money (why use that picture)

[If you are lazy, just skip to the end of the post and read the punchline.]

I get a lot of friend requests on Facebook--because I am on Facebook. Some I accept. Some I delete. And some I mock.

This is the mocking type.

One of my latest friend requests comes from someone who seems to be trying to convince people that she is a mover and shaker at the International Finance Corporation Grant which is part of an United Nations grant program. I base this conclusion on a status update and the pictures posted on this person's wall.

I must be big stuff--look at all the happy people.
"Look especially at all the happy people who are receiving oversized checks and FedEx deliveries. Plus I posted pictures of Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg, so you totally know that they are close personal friends. And you should totally accept my friend request because you are special; and by being friends with me, you are totally going to get fat stacks of cash."

Totally real photos with real happy people--believe what you see!
Maybe this person is for real--despite the general cynicism that a couple decades of dealing with dubious occult leaders has installed in me--I mean they can't all be photos grabbed from stock photo sites and the internet--some of the photos must be real.

But on that note...

Why is this guy wearing latex gloves and sporting a badge logo? And is that fingerprint sheet on the desk?
If you are trying to convince me that you are real and that you are going to make me rich, you might not want to post a picture of a cop counting money from a drug bust on your wall. Just saying.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Trump restores confidence in FBI (by embiggening Russian conspiracy theory)

Today, President Donald "Jesus" Trump fired FBI Director James Comey for being unfair to rival Hillary Clinton (and blabbing about finding more of her emails) during the Presidential campaign to restore American's confidence and trust in the FBI. 

What?!? Wait--What?!?

Isn't this the same person who publicly asked Russia and Wikileaks to find Hillary's emails? Who encouraged his fans to scream "Lock her up!!!"? I am sorry--Trump got a hard-on every time Comey talked about her emails. Trump should give this guy a medal for "services rendered" in getting him elected.

But no, James Comey had to be fired because...he was unfair to Hillary...no, that can't be right.

Do you want conspiracy theories? Because that's how you get conspiracy theories.

I am sorry, but I can only see one good reason to get rid of Comey at this time; and that is Donald Trump actually fears an investigation into his election team and his administration's possible connections with Russia--and he somehow thinks pulling a Nixon is going to short-circuit the investigation.

Now, I know--you are a Trump fan and you honestly believe that Comey was actually doing news conferences about not going after Hillary Clinton because she had some hold over him. If so, that worked out as well as a worm swimming in a boiling cauldron.

And I am saying this because Hillary has negatives of me and my goat.
And maybe you are right. Maybe the Illuminati (the evil one ran by Hillary Clinton) was using him as a puppet. But given that the Illuminati (the good one ran by Donald "Jesus" Trump) benefited more from the actions, I think that they should reward the man instead of firing him. Hell, given a big enough bag of money, Trump could do anything he likes (or so his logic has always went before), so why not big bags of money to make that inconvenient investigation go away? It is not like he can't afford the "legal fees."

So has Trump restored my confidence and trust in the FBI? No, he hasn't. In fact, it makes me even more positive that he actually is a Russian c***-holster. Nice job Trump--you just embiggened a rather nice conspiracy theory. Of course, Trump doesn't care because he is all about the Trending.

Nothing to see here--move along!
And despite the fact that he doesn't think that anyone cares--some people do. Not the ones that count: big business. Or the ones that voted for him who believe that Trump is the best thing since Jesus Christ turned Republican. But everyone else (none who matter, of course) wonders why he is buddies with every dictator and strong man ruler in the world.

If I didn't know better, I would suspect that the next FBI director on day one will order the arrest of the entire Clinton and Obama families, and that they will both be mysteriously shot while resisting arrest--because being President-for-Life is Trump's true ambitions--hello Nazi America! (Or whatever evil dictator you actually fear--oh right, Obama America!)

Sorry Trump fans, if Trump was actually innocent (and non-impeachable), he should have just let Comey remain in the job. In fact, he should release his tax forms and let an investigation happen. I mean he is a more upstanding person than Hillary, and she survived how many investigations?

No, all he did was convince me that the American people elected the most corrupt President ever.

Trump got his doctorate of evil at Trump University.
Are you an evil witch or magician who thinks that Trump is going to turn us all into Russian sex slaves? Consider taking part in the global monthly waning crescent moon ritual to bind the actions of President Donald J. Trump.

For full text of Global Binding Ritual of Trump, click here. 

Dates for future Global Bind Donald J. Trump rituals


February 24; March 26; April 24; May 23; *June 21* (*Summer Solstice*); July 21; August 19; September 18; October 17; November 16; December 16

For a full list of future Bind Trump dates, click here. 

Monday, May 8, 2017

Last day for custom pottery orders

Altar sets--chalice, pentacle plate, and incense burner.
For those customers who would like to order custom made pottery from Celtic Soul Jewelry and Pottery & Khari's Wiccan Treasures--the last day to make a custom order is July 15, 2017. After that point, custom orders will not be taken for the foreseeable future--due to work and school issues (Khari is studying to get another educational endorsement, and will be working on a second Masters degree).

Custom made pet urn.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Remembering Alia (Denver OFM 5 May 2017)

Tonight's (May 5) Hearthstone Community Church Open Full Moon ritual will be remembering Alia, who ran Hearthstone for over two decades, who died last week (28 May 2017). Doors open at 7 pm. Community announcements at 7:30 pm. Upstairs at First Unitarian Church, 1400 Lafayette, Denver, CO.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Lineage dost not make an elder

The other day, during my monthly Trump rage, while reminding people of the global Bind Trump ritual, I was called out onto the mat by one of occultism’s self-proclaimed Big Names, who declared that people like myself were destroying the work of decades by Wiccan Elders to convince Christians that Wiccans are not Satanists. Needless to say, I did not take kindly to the lecture, especially given the implication that the lecturer considers themselves a Wiccan Elder—the fact that they called me Forest Gump didn’t endear me to them either.

What makes this person a Wiccan Elder? Is it their long experience with Wicca? No, I would not call seven years of experience worthy of the label of Elder. No, what makes this person believe that they are a Wiccan Elder, and a leader of the Craft is the simple fact that they were initiated by someone who was initiated directly by Alex and Maxine Sanders, the founders of Alexandrian Wicca. Likewise, this Big Name is now referring to his wife as “Witch Queen.” Again, the only justification is that they claim a superior lineage to the rabble, a claim of initiation that some Alexandrians doubt happened.

In my case, I do believe that an initiation did happen. But I believe that it was the old game of “I will give you a degree, if you give me one.” In this case, it appears that a Golden Dawn initiation (an Inner Order one) was given for a Wiccan initiation. It should be noted that I actually doubt that they are just two steps away from the Sanders. Nevertheless, even if they are telling the truth, I do not believe that they deserve the respect they are demanding from others.

This is not the first time that they have played the superior lineage card. For years, this Big Name has claimed to be the best leader in Golden Dawn, for his contact with the Secret Chiefs of the tradition—uber-humans who only he is enlightened enough to be in contact with. And seven years ago, they claimed contact with a uber-secret branch of Italian witchcraft. Two years ago, they received their uber-special Alexandrian initiation.

They are not the only ones who try to play the superior lineage card. One cannot throw a stone without hitting someone who has been personally picked by the gods to lead mankind to a glorious new age, or a witch who is descended from the many witches who were burned in Salem. Mankind is awash with people with better lineages, better contacts, superior wisdom, and better personalities than the rest of us, the unwashed rabble who should fall behind them in adoration.

Unfortunately, the esoteric world has far too many people like myself, who could care less about your superior bloodline, your superior lineage, and you having been kissed by the gods.

No, my Elders are those who have served for years without having to trot out a superior lineage. Morning Glory, former owner of Herbs and Arts, who provided a place for witches to meet and hold classes, she is an Elder in my book. Cassandra Ravenwolf, who taught herb classes, answered my silly questions, and provided a place for the community to meet, she is an Elder in my book. Alia Deny, who has helped introduce many people to the community, with decades of service under her belt, she is an Elder in my book. My Elders have served for decades, and have never asked me to automatically give them respect just because their lineages were better than mine.

And while I will never be an Elder, despite having written about Wicca and witchcraft for twenty-five years, I refuse to respect someone whose only claim to being an Elder is that they have a better lineage than I do. (The exact reason why I am automatically disqualified for Elder status is that no one realizes exactly how long I have been involved in the community, how old I really am, and most importantly, I keep saying things that no proper Elder would dream of saying—the community has voted, and I am exempt from all such duties, thanks to the filthy words that keep coming out of my mouth.) No, only actual service to the community, and acknowledgement by the community that you are doing good work, counts towards being an Elder in my book.

So those people who believe that I should kiss the hem of their robe, due to their uber-specialness, can go wash their heads in a bucket while I continue to be (as this great leader said) the Forest Gump of occultism. After all, I know my place in the scheme of things—I am here to annoy those who seek to be Elders without possessing any actual merit, and expect instant elevation to chief wombat. It is not a nice job, but someone has to do it.

[Author’s note: This column was started previous to the death of Alia, president of the Hearthstone Community Church; she will be missed by all of us in the community that knew and loved her.]

Monday, May 1, 2017

Mix and match divination (just toss everything into the pot)

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Welcome to another round of the Tarot Blog Hop. Today's theme is the simple question: 

"Do you combine Tarot with any other divination system? Why or why not?"

Short answer: Yes...because I am a member of the Golden Dawn tradition.

Long answer: Well, let me illustrate what I am doing. 

Golden Dawn, a system of lodge initiations and magical instruction, founded in 1888, has mixing the Tarot with other forms of divination built into the system since day one. The common method of associating the Tarot cards with astrology that many of us know, actually first appears in the Cipher Manuscript of Golden Dawn. The Cipher Manuscript, the foundational document of Golden Dawn, lists the associations for the Major Arcana with the planets and zodiac signs. It also shows a connection of astrology with the system of divination known as geomancy.

Whoever created the Cipher Manuscript, probably the Victorian Masonic authority and writer, Kenneth Mackenzie, worked out a system of correspondence between the Kabbalah, the geomantic symbols, Tarot, and astrology. The connection between the Tarot, kabbalah, and astrology (& geomancy with astrology) was not a new idea, but the Cipher Manuscript arrangement was the one that ended up in Golden Dawn, and then spread outward into the general esoteric occult community, through the works of A. E. Waite and Aleister Crowley, and became the standard in the English branch of the Western Mystery Traditions.

(Recently, I saw an argument that claimed that Mackenzie [or whoever created the Cipher Manuscript] got his system of Tarot to astrology associations from Samuel Liddell MacGregor Mathers [one of the co-chiefs of the original Golden Dawn]--there is only one problem with this idea: Whoever created the Cipher Manuscript actually first assigned Strength and Justice one way to astrology, and then changed their mind in a later section--hardly what you would do if you inherited the system from someone else.)
Astrological decans and the Tarot (Golden Dawn tradition).
Thanks to the student of Golden Dawn learning these associations, they tend to explain the occult symbols in a great circle, going from one system of esoteric modeling to another, eventually ending up back at the beginning of the circle which is to say they continue to go around in a circle.

One of the exercises required from the practicing Adept Minor is to perform three operations for the same subject of a divination. In other words, the Adept Minor asks a question, and creates a geomantic shield, an astrological (horary) chart, and does a Tarot spread (Opening of the Key) for the question--comparing the three readings with one another.

It should be noted that once one passes their Adept Minor exams, that one often just sticks with a single style of divination after that point. But there are always those who continue to mix and match divination systems...

...freaks like myself.

As an example of a mix and match operation, let's look at one of my ongoing projects--the examination of astrology charts using the symbols of the Tarot and geomancy to extract meaning--a form of mediation on parts of an astrology chart.

For instance, in my birth chart, I have my natal Moon in the sign of Scorpio. Using the Tarot, the astrological position of the Moon in my birth chart can be depicted by the High Priestess (Moon), Death (Scorpio), and the fact that the moon is in the 20th degree of Scorpio with the Seven of Cups (the Minor Arcana associated with the third decan of Scorpio).

(A point of interest is that not only do I suffer a Moon in Scorpio, so did my mother and her sister, making an interesting familial dynamic.)

Stage one of this odd method--with Via, Populus and Rebis for Moon in Scorpio.
Now, my Moon is squared to my Mercury in Leo, my only planet in a Fire sign, which can be depicted with the Magician (Mercury), Strength (Leo), and the Seven of Wands (for the 21st degree of Leo which is in the third decan of the sign).

(Interestingly enough, my mother's Mercury is also in a Fire sign, that of Aries. If you ignore Pluto, it is her only planet in a Fire sign. By the way, the more I examine the charts of my relatives, the more such similarities I have discovered.) 

Stage two with Albus, Conjuntio, Fortuna Major, and Fortuna Minor for Mercury in Leo.
Now, taking the associated geomancy symbols for the planets and signs, I can further extend the symbolism by treating the geomantic symbols as part of a geomantic shield. (A geomantic shield is like a Tarot spread, but with geomancy.)

Adding and combining the points of the geomantic symbols (a standard procedure in geomancy), I end up with two more bits of information, the geomantic symbols of the Moon and Aquarius. Interestingly enough, one of the decans of Aquarius is sub-ruled by the Moon, so I end up with another symbol to add to the mix.

So I end up with another High Priestess (Moon), as well as the Star (Aquarius) and the Seven of Swords (another third decan card). 

Stage three with Via and Tristitia representing the dynamic of the Square aspect.
Now does any of this make sense? Maybe. Maybe not.

But I do exhibit a pattern of being argumentative when the (current) Moon is in Scorpio or in a Square aspect to that, especially when it comes to defending my ideals; and when I realize that it is once again that time of the month, I tend to wander off without another word rather than continue to abuse other people.

In the end, it does not matter if it is nonsense or not--what matters is that it allows me to examine parts of horoscopes from a different angle.

Blessed be.

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Saturday, April 29, 2017

You have survived 100 days of Trump (accomplishment unlocked)

Congratulations America! You have survived the first hundred days of President Donald J. Trump! Have a cookie. Or three. Boxes, that is---because you still have 1361 days to go. Or 2822 days, if he gets re-elected (and you know that he is going to). And 4283 days, if his fans insist on him getting a third term, which they will because he is the greatest American President ever (who cares about what the Constitution says about Presidential term limits--it is Trump!).

Be proud of your President--we are still alive!
We all know that Trump kept all his campaign promises, just like we knew he would, and we all now have unicorns (very fluffy unicorns--they are the best unicorns ever!).

Here was Trump's plan for his first hundred days.
It is amazing how much he has accomplished in the first hundred days: The middle class has been saved. Products and goods sold in America are only made in America by American workers who get paid decent wages. We are awash in energy from coal--and green energy is gone forever. The environment is protected, and we got rid of that Chinese hoax called Global Warming. Our children are properly educated; our teachers well-paid. Obamacare is gone--replaced with the best health care ever with reasonable insurance premiums for everyone. Both children and elders are well-cared for; both having lots of food and hugs. There are no more illegal immigrants, who all left the country of their own free-will--plus we have the most beautiful Southern Border Wall, and construction is about to start on the Northern Border Wall to keep those evil Canadians out. Terrorism is a thing of the past. All non-Christians in America have accepted Jesus into their hearts, therefore we don't have to burn anyone at the stake. Our neighborhoods are safe, drug-free, and full of good guys with guns. There are no longer any spies or hackers inflicting harm on Americans. And best of all, corruption in government no longer exists. It is the greatest economic boom time that the country has ever seen with civil liberties for all good boys and girls.

Trump promised great things, and boy did he deliver. When he said that Americans would win so much that we would get tired of winning--boy was he right--I am tried of all the winning that the President has accomplished.

Oh wait, that is what my mother thought he would accomplish.

President Trump draws a cat--and America is so proud of him.
What has he actually accomplished? Well, he drew a cat--or was that Fake News? He hasn't started World War Three...yet. He provided lots of material for protestors and comedians to work with. He has written lots of midnight bathroom tweets (ok, the tweets did not go live at midnight [more like three in the morning], and I have no proof that he is tweeting from the bathroom--but this is my story, and this is how I am telling it). He has called a lot of politicians, journalists, celebrities, and judges out for disagreeing with his idea that he can do whatever he wants to do. And he has annoyed the leaders of every country in the world.

Not bad for his first hundred days. Here I was expecting public lynchings and witch burnings, nuclear explosions, and the worst economic depression since Ogg decided that all the world really belonged to him because he had the biggest club in the cave.

But if you are still concerned about Trump, there is always the monthly witchcraft ritual to bind his orange ass, because while the other branches of the government are slowing him down, one cannot be too cautious when you are one of the people that his policies are guaranteed to hurt. 

For full text of Global Binding Ritual of Trump, click here. 

For a full list of future Bind Trump dates, click here.