Thursday, August 1, 2013

Evil croissants banned by Muslims

A religious committee in the town of Aleppo, Syria has just banned croissants, forbidding Muslims from eating them. Why? Because the crescent symbolizes European victory over the Muslims, and is a sign of colonial oppression.

Seriously, I am not making this up.

And all this time, I thought it was just a French thing. I didn't realize that it was a snotty French thing. Well, I knew it was snotty...because it is French; but I did not know that it was twirl your little pencil moustache and laugh at the poor helpless natives you conquered snotty. I imagine that slapping an egg, cheese and some ham or bacon or both (actually skip the egg, and just leave the cheese, ham and bacon on mine) is even worse...well, it is not kosher, which may or may not make it less snotty. But it is the shape that makes it snotty, and evil, and which mocks the conquered. Now, I know ("And knowing is half the battle--GI JOE!"). I have the sudden urge to serve croissants at the next open full moon ritual I led (which may or may not be in December--long story short, I might be pitch-hitting in December unless someone volunteers to do the OFM ritual). That is probably wrong, isn't it?

So how can we make croissants be about the oppression of the upright and noble by the evil SRIA?

(Oh, c'mon now--I can't be the only one that thought that when seeing this story.) 

Please leave your comments about how evil and insensitive I am to the insanities of religion and the noble seekers of truth, light and justice. I promise to read the comments while snacking on fresh croissants, expensive cheese, sipping on fine wine, and laughing in a horrible French accent while twirling my moustache.

[Full disclosure: I have a Frenchman in my family tree--I am allowed to mock the French. As for everyone else insulted by this post, I am not sure how else to treat the barking mad.]

3 comments:

ian said...

actually, croissants are Viennese in origin (called "p√Ętisseries viennoises" by the French)invented in commemoration of the defeat of the Ottoman besiegers by John Sobieski...so the Salafists have something there.. :)

Scott Stenwick said...

Yes, but do we know what they think of the Croissan'wich, the real root of French antipathy towards the United States?

Do they ban it because it's still a croissant, or do they embrace it because its very existence mocks the French victory over Islam? I could see it going both ways.

I mean, obviously the bacon and ham versions would be right out, but what about the other kinds? Inquiring minds want to know!

Alia said...

Hmm, a mutton Croissan'wich...boggles the mind. You could always shape the pastry differently. But the crescent moon is an Islamic symbol, so why not herald it as proof their symbols are infiltrating?

I don't think a mutton breakfast sandwich would be tasty. Mutton is a strong flavor. We'll have to come up with a different halal meat. (Mutton includes goat in halal shops, btw.) Maybe beef bacon? I know it exists but I've never tasted it.