ECS Assault With a Deadly Taco sales links

Excerpt:  Of course, now that I am being treated for mental illness...I am no longer eligible to obtain the heights of spiritual development. That is right, I can no longer become the Pope, a President, or a highly advanced “Will live on in a glorious solar body after death—no longer having to come back to Earth” magical guru.

And it is a darn shame. For I really wanted to do one of those jobs. “And I am at least as qualified as they are.”

That is right.

You cannot be Pope and be treated for mental illness at the same time. What is the occasional witch hunt and heresy burning marshmallow night, as long as your spirituality is not being dulled by drugs.

You cannot be President and be treated for mental illness at the same time. What is the occasional witch hunt and heresy burning cocktail sausage night, as long as your nuclear button finger is not being dulled by drugs.

And you cannot be a world-renowned spiritual and magical master and be treated for mental illness at the same time. After all, what is the occasional witch hunt and heresy burning fried chicken and watermelon hexing party, as long as your supreme esoteric wisdom and understanding is not being dulled by drugs.

 And we all know this...

Now available on Amazon. Coming soon to other retailers...

Want me to write more of this stuff?

Buy a copy of Assault With a Deadly Taco, three "twenty minute shows," at your favorite ebook retailer...

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Coming soon to iBooks (Apple bookstore).

Everyone loves a parade (Esoteric Comedy Show)

[At an occult convention, a comedian paces back and forth on stage, talking to an audience.]

"Danger Will Seeker! Danger! Trump joke ahead!"

Yes, that is right--it is time to talk about Trump.

Our glorious President, Donald J. Trump...

The world's biggest kid...

Last year, he went to France for a state visit, and he came back home with just one take-away...

He wants a military parade, right down Pennsylvania avenue, in the middle of Washington DC...

Because he was impressed by the Bastille Day parade he saw.

And why shouldn't he be? After all, everyone loves a good parade.

Especially kids.

And President Trump is just a big kid at heart.

I say we give him a military parade.

[Crowd reacts.]

Hear me out. It doesn't matter if you like Trump or not. [Taps side of head.] You might be able to get something out of this.

First off, be grateful that he only wants a parade. He could have wanted things like the ability to guillotine his enemies...

[Mixed reaction from the crowd.]

[Waves hands.] Yes, yes, I know...

"Evil failed journalist liberal comedian bringing shame to the occult convention circuit get their heads chopped off first."

Just remember, we know the history of the French Revolution. The people manning the guillotine, feeding the criminal politic class into the guillotine, ended up getting guillotined themselves. You may think it is a good idea now...

"But not so much when it is your own head coming off!"

Or he could  have insisted that we all learn French because they are good immigrants who would never chop anyone's head off.

I don't know about you. But after a year of high school French, and another year of college French, I still can't say, "Don't you think executing all journalists, comedians, and your political enemies is a bad idea?!?" I presume that I somehow missed that day when that important statement was covered.

Or worse, he could have decided that American national dish is now Barbecued Frogger.

"Mmmm...tasty flat frog, perfectly tenderized by fifteen ton tank, flame broiled with a flame thrower, just perfect for your Fourth of July barbecue. Nom, nom--eat it up."

So he wants a parade...

A parade that is going to cost millions...

For the life of me, I could not find a reasonable estimate on how much it would cost...

But one thing was sure...

Most of the cost would be chewed up by road repairs.

"Who would have guessed that tanks driving down the street would tear up the streets that badly."

And if you got to schedule some money, and the Army Corp of Engineers to fix the street anyways "after the most attended military parade ever," how about we choose a street that already needs repairs?

[Does his Car Model Girl mime as he talks.] "Yes, we are going to have the military parade here...on Pothole Avenue, which is famous for having the most potholes per square mile. Just last week, that pothole over there ate an entire VW van, painted with cheerful flowers and rainbows, and completely packed to the brim with pot smoking hippies. Now that the hippies have fallen into the bottomless trap that we set for them, it is time to Make This Road Great Again! Yes, for the mere cost of a few tanks, some missile trucks, maybe a few planes flying overhead, and a lot of infrastructure money--which we have been promised--we can finally have a really great road. Call it urban renewal. Plus after the tanks finish tearing up the road, we will have no more excuse not to dig up the lead water pipes and replace with gold water pipes, just in time for the many rich people who are going to move to this neighborhood after it becomes the greatest neighborhood in the country. Hail King Trump!"

What?!? Your street doesn't need repairs? Your street is pothole free? Your neighborhood can't use some infrastructure money? How nice it must be to live in a Trump branded neighborhood.

"In the meantime, those poor hippies, they were my friends. Who am I going to smoke pot with now?"

And if we do it right, we could have a military parade every week, in a different neighborhood. "Call it urban renewal."

And Trump will be very happy. For after all, he holds one of the most important jobs in the world--all of which are required to love parades.

[Counts on fingers.] Pope. Required to love parades. Has special car with a bubble top, so that he can wave at the crowds at parades.

President. Required to love parades. And we have a really fine parade lover here. Maybe the most parade loving President ever. I assume that he has a special car to ride in parades. If not, the local car dealership can provide one. They provided one for the homecoming queen to ride in, why not the President?

And Superior Guru of All Things Magical and Occult Worth Knowing. Required to love parades. Has a special SegWay to ride, so they can lead the parade, and be upfront...

Because without them, how would we know what political enemies to hate? They have to lead because...

"The rest of us are idiots who would not know evil from a hole in the ground." [Pauses and makes a puzzled face.] "Why is there a tank parked in that pothole full of hippies?"

Parade loving is right in the job description of the three most important jobs in the world. Otherwise, how do you explain the typical day of someone holding these jobs?

[Does his mime of pounding on a computer keyboard, beating a dead horse, and waving at a crowd while riding a SegWay and leading a parade.]

Now, I will admit that we have to invoke some safety rules for these military parades...

Simply because we can't have the series finale of the Trump Show come too soon.

[Mimes pressing a button, rocket launch, and big mushroom explosion.]

Remember if we don't give him enough attention, he will surprise us with the ultimate surprise.

"And I don't look good in glow-in-the-dark radiation."

First safety rule...

Don't load the guns.

This is important rule for big kids like to press buttons.

[Mimes pressing a button, rocket launch, and big mushroom explosion.]

Second safety rule...

Do not seat him next to my mother.

Let us learn from last year's Fourth of July rodeo parade and barbeque...

For if we sit him next to my mother, we will have an executive order issued the next day, that requires every occultist and witch to be burned at the stake before having our ashes deported to whatever soccer hooligan land we came from.

"United States? No...what if I don't know where my ancestors came from? Oh, launched into space. Nice. Always wanted to visit Mars."

Third safety rule...

Don't let him grope the homecoming queen. Just because she is a beaver with big teeth does not mean that she deserves to be groped. In fact, maybe we should give her a taser. Just to be on the safe side.

[Mimes groping and electric shock therapy.]

Fourth safety rule...

Make sure that he is entertained.

"Otherwise, we might get bombed."

I suggest putting some of his enemies, journalists, hippies, those damned Democrats, in a clown car.

[Mimes smoking pot.] After all, I am quite sure that is where he thinks they come from.

Fifth safety rule...

Do not tell him that the sword wielding Jedi knights are not part of his military. Instead, tell him that we are preparing to fight off an invasion of time traveling octopods from the demonic suns.

"Totally believable man."

Sixth safety rule...

And the most important...

Do not let him examine the tanks too carefully.

After all, we do not want him to realize that we used hippie vans, covered with Styrofoam, chicken wire, cardboard and tissue paper, painted a nice military green, to create some realistic looking tanks, so that we could actually get some of the infrastructure funds promised to my neighborhood.

Now available on Amazon. Coming soon to other retailers...

Want me to write more of this stuff?

Buy a copy of Assault With a Deadly Taco, a show sampler, three "twenty minute shows," at your favorite ebook retailer... {This post was a "ten minute" bit.}

Because buying ebooks is how you encourage writers. And comedians.

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(also all the other Amazon sub-sites)

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Coming soon to Kobo, iBooks, & Barnes and Noble.

Now on stage reading the Tarot (Secret project not so secret anymore)

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Welcome to the Imbolc edition of the Tarot Blog Hop. (Year seven!!!) Our wrangler, Aisling the Bard, asked us to do a Tarot spread in honor of this Solilune (a combination of Solar and Lunar Festivals)--a full moon on a solar holiday--to see what our coming year is going to be like.

Uhhh...I have been religiously avoiding all forms of divination, especially readings concerning the future, since 4:13 pm on December 2nd.

Long story short: I started a project that was supposed to be a one-off project. One installment, that's it. Just a little something to show anyone crazy enough to invite me to speak at an esoteric convention, exactly what type of lecture I would give. (Hint--it is more of stand-up comedy act than an actual occult lecture.)

How likely is it that I would need such a script? Oh, more likely than you would think. It was the strangest thing to be asked to speak when I didn't even consider myself a F-List Occult Expert. And my first time being asked--more than a decade ago at this point. The cherry on top? More than one person has asked me if I wanted to do this since then.

Anyways, this "short one-off project--just need an hour script" has chewed up at least an half hour everyday since December 2nd, as well as several ten hour days. Most of it on installments that I had no idea were in me.

And while the question of "Am I wasting my time working on this?" has came up--in my mind--because I have the voices--in particular, my mother's voice--I have religiously avoided looking into the future (beyond a few "What else is possible?" moments) since I started the project.

It is not that I don't want to know as much as it is that I don't want to hear the statement that I am probably wasting my time before I finish building my sales funnel for this project (that's three installments for the non-selling stuff on the internet crowd).

"How about we finish the funnel before we go looking for bad news?"

Short story long: I already have enough abandoned projects to last me a lifetime.

So let's do a Tarot reading, shall we?

Foundation

Seven of Swords, Knight of Wands, Five of Swords.

"Opps, I scanned those cards in the opposite order..."

The Foundation is where the focus is going to be for the year ahead.

Land (Body): Five of Swords...could this be fighting migraines and the voices in my head. Hopefully, because otherwise this could be that the villagers have found some flaming torches and pitchforks. Oh wait, that might just be the voices in my head. Or maybe I am going to upset people.

"We will never know."

Sky (Mind): Knight of Wands...this card reminds me of the Marvel Comic's version of Loki. That is probably...probably...is there any way to read this card in a manner where that would be a good thing?

"There are the gods of comedy, and they bring us fresh gifts every day on Facebook, just look at the trendings..."

Sea (Spirit): Seven of Swords...is it too late to just grab my toys and slip off quietly in the night? Is it wrong to make jokes about the occult community? Will the occult community get upset?

"For once, after completing a project, I would like to cash in--but the pawn shop says that there is no market for a smart ass and his jokes in today's occult market."

Construction

Knight of Cups, Four of Cups, The Empress.

"Oh, I scanned these cards in the wrong direction also."

The Guardian (What is the energy of the new path that presents itself?): The Empress...my mother or my aunt?!? Both? My mother's bad attitude (judgmental!) and my aunt's religion (a witch of the 1970s Wiccan type).

"Can you tell jokes about witches and not sound judgmental?"

The Guide (From what do I need protection on this journey?): Four of Cups...and that would be an inclination towards depression and abandoning projects. That would be the "down pole" of my bipolar.

"Have I mentioned the voice of my mother yet? And how it continues to echo in my head?"

The Gateway (What energies of my own or of the spirit will guide and protect me?): The Knight of Cups...is it just me or does the version of the card look a little depressing?

"And under my depression, there is this happy little cynic who is not surprised by how crap the human race is. Yes, I know that I should be uplifting, celebrating life, toasting humanity's greatness...but I am having trouble seeing it at the moment. I have mentioned the trending topics on Facebook?"

Surprise

Three of Swords, Six of Cups, Two of Pentacles.

"It takes real talent to scan three rows of Tarot cards in the wrong direction. You can't learn to do that in school."

Surprise--light one lantern if the surprise is coming by land: Two of Pentacles...this particular version of this card tells us that no matter how successful and entertaining of a performer you are, you can't make everyone happy.

"My wife just pointed out that the wall, or is it a stage?, has four faces on it--three happy, one angry...nice to know that I am going to sell four whole copies, and get at least one negative review...[Inner Neophyte's voice] because that wouldn't encourage me at all."

Surprise, surprise--light two lanterns if the surprise is coming by air: Six of Cups...in no way does this card remind me of one of my sisters (or more than one of them), and I am confident that they would never check out my current project.

"Which means that I am totally stealing the Hot Dog Surprise and telling people about its culinary delights."

Surprise, surprise, surprise--light three lanterns if the surprise is coming by sea: Three of Swords...because this is always a happy card. Keep your bags packed--have ransom demands ready--be prepared to do battle.

"Just noticed that there are skulls in the snow. You know that it is going to be a fun surprise when there are skulls in the snow."

And there we go--everything you need to know about a reading that I have been avoiding for the last two months...

"Along with some creative mis-readings to lure me into a false sense of security. Because that is what you want from a Tarot reading, reassurance that you are not going to blow yourself up while using high explosions. Never mind reading the directions. Never mind that you do not know the language that the directions are in. Never mind that the illustrations seemed to have been printed in the wrong order. Just keep pounding on that stick of dynamite with a hammer. What could possibly go wrong? We will never know."

Previous/ MasterList/ Next

Danger Will Robinson GMOs Danger Danger

We live in a dangerous world. In the wild, monkeys are in danger of eating poisonous berries, of drowning, of falling on their heads, and of being eaten by feral hedgehogs.

Us humans have none of that—we are perfectly safe—provided that we don’t get shot. We have nothing to worry about. We are perfectly safe. Unless you get online…

 …and then you have to worry about all types of things that monkeys can’t spell:

GMOs, chemtrails, vaccines, fluoride in the water supply, politicians, rich people, poor people…

And I have been exposed to all of these.

Given how bad they are…[air quotes] according to the internet [end air quotes]…I should be a dimwitted hunchback [hunches over] with an overbite [makes a face] holding political office [mimes ringing a bell, tweeting on Twitter, and hand over heart to the pledge of alliance].

You do realize that genetically modifying organisms have been going on since the birth of agricultural and human civilization.

Take for instance, the humble corn plant, maize for the political correct crowd, it started out as a simple grass that seeded on the top. At best, it could only hope to someday evolve into wheat. But humans came along, and selected the best seeds, planting them, harvesting them, planting them, harvesting them, over and over again until we get the mutant plant that the American Indians shared with the Pilgrims.

[Pauses. Then gestures wildly.]

Corn—the mutant revenge of the American Indians, plaguing mankind, causing cancer, making tasty sodas, and the reason our President is as big as a house.

Without GMOs, we would still be cavemen without the ability to text, photo cats, and share false news stories.

I am not completely sure that is a bad thing. After all, I do love taking cat photos.

Completely unnecessary cat photo.

{From the upcoming Following the Brightest Butt (the comedy show you will never see about evolution and human behavior).}

Is the term House Elf racist? (weird thought of the month)

A few months ago, Bill Maher (Real Time) made a horrible joke that he was a House-N-Word, and the internet lost its collective mind. And ever since the following question has been disturbing me (pretty much on a daily basis): Is the term "House Elf" racist?


My first thought, after I heard what Bill Maher said, was "He should have said, 'House Elf'; it would have been funnier. I would have said 'House Elf.'" My second thought was, "OMG--am I a racist for making House Elf  jokes?!?"


And I make a lot of them. My favorite one is "It is just like being a House Elf without the job satisfaction." My second most used one is "Do I look like a House Elf?"


I would use the "A House Elf must be set free--Master has given Dobby a sock--Dobby is free!!!" joke, except my wife never hands me her dirty laundry; she just leaves it laying around.


I am fairly sure that I would have to explain the last joke to her...because I am a much bigger Harry Potter fan than she is. Then I think that she would roll her eyes at me, and call me "weird."


So is the term "House Elf" racist? Leave your opinion in the comment section, but please bear in mind that I am probably going to continue to make House Elf jokes because it amuses me to do so. For instance, have you heard about the one about the House Elf and the cat litter box...

Funny or not? Political incorrect or not? You decide.



Halloween candy emergency!

Attention! Attention! Urgent! Call the authorities! It is an emergency! The emergency is still going on!

Where did all the Halloween candy go?!?

I am out of Halloween candy.

Well, I think it is an emergency. I wanted some of that candy.

[My wife brought a couple of bags of mixed snack sized Halloween candy just before Halloween. For ourselves, that is. We don't do Trick-or-Treat-ers because our front yard and sidewalk (like much of the house) is unfriendly and accidentally bobbie-trapped (as in it came dangerous, and we have never scrapped together the money to get it fixed). When she brought it home (the candy, that is), she said that it would last us awhile. I asked her what house she was living in because I know that in my house, candy does not last long. Now, we are out. Guess who ate most of it...yes, that is right--my wife.]

You keep telling lies and tall tales (dont you worry about losing readers)

Every once in awhile, I will be asked the question, "Ain't you afraid that you are going to lose readers (followers, friends, fans, etc.), if you continue to write things that offend?"

Or one of it many variations, such as "If you don't quit telling lies about the Great Gherkin, I am never going to read another word that you write," and the ever famous, "Sister Seuss is on our Order's banned reading list."

[For those who are curious, why I list fictional characters that have yet to get a full novel to themselves, just bear in mind that November is NaNoWriMo {National Novel Writing Month}, so someone is sure to complain by the end of the month that I have accidentally based characters on themselves, or someone that they worship as a Master Incarnate, or someone who should die a fiery death by being burned at the stake for disrespecting the most powerful wizard in the land...in other words, some people don't think that you can tell the difference between fiction and non-fiction.]

Honest answer is that I used to have some concern over losing readers; but a couple decades worth of writing and social media experience tell me that such concerns, if paid attention to, merely shackles oneself and serves no useful purpose.

This is especially true in the current political and magical environment. At the moment, if one expresses the wrong opinion about someone's favorite politician, one loses "friends" and followers on all social media platforms. Plus one gets labelled as a member of the enemy party even if one has no idea what they are (I kid you not--I had to look up Antifa). There is not a day that goes by that the slow tickle of defriending and defollowing does not drop my friend count down another notch.

Please note that this slow drain will eventually bottom out, simply because there are people who are my friends and followers because they agree with my opinions, value my writing, and enjoy the many cat pictures that I share. It is these people that my core audience comes from, not the many people who disagree with me so much that they put me on banned writer lists.

I have a vivid memory of the first time that someone decided to quit reading my stuff. The reason that they loudly declared that they were no longer going to read my stuff? Oh, because I decided to put ads up on this blog...because a real occultist never advertises, nor needs to pay bills, nor desires to make a living doing anything other than flipping burgers.

Quite honestly, that incident led me to the conclusion that the pro-bloggers were right, and that there was no way to make everyone happy--and therefore, I don't bother to try. Either you are one of my readers or you are not. My job as a writer is to get people to respond to my writing, and sometimes that response is getting someone to hit the defollow button.

Controversial Cat is controversial.

Pumpkin spice everything (including cat and dog food) Morgan goes shopping

Welcome to the first exciting installment of Morgan Goes Shopping!

No?!? Well, it is either this or I blog about politics again. What? I can't hear you. Say that again. A little louder. Again. I see. Very well...

Welcome to the first totally exciting installment of Morgan Goes Shopping!!!

Oh noes! It is a pumpkin spice flavored Jack O' Lantern.

The other day, I was shopping with my wife...because that is what married people do, they go shopping.

And I saw a Pumpkin Spiced flavored product...

Pop-Secret Pumpkin Spice popcorn because there is not enough pumpkin spice in your life.

...popcorn. Seriously, pumpkin spice flavored popcorn.

And that made me wonder what other pumpkin spice goodness was out there. 

Pumpkin Spice flavored Doritos does not actually exist.

But Pumpkin Pie Spice flavored Pringles do.

In the pumpkin spice junk food section also exists Pringles, but not Doritos. Because the idea of putting pumpkin spice on popcorn wasn't bad enough.

Oh so, much pumpkin spice flavored stuff.

Planters Pumpkin Spice Almonds got an average of four stars.

Some of the products I saw during my quick Google search seemed to be a little nuts, such as actual nuts sprinkled with pumpkin spice. Others like Cheerios, just made me think that people are a little nuts. Really Pumpkin Spice for breakfast--what type of serial killer are you?

Not pumpkin spice flavored, but still--Carmel Apple flavored Peeps Delights.

Pumpkin flavored ice cream--thanks 365.

A lot of Pumpkin Spice stuff looks like a good way to fall into a sugar induced coma.

Nature's Promise Organic Pumpkin Spice Chicken Sausage.

But never fear, it is not just snacks. You can plan a whole meal around pumpkin spice. First, you get some sausage...

The Fresh Market pumpkin pasta sauce.

...and then some pasta, and behold a tasty pumpkin spice Italian meal.

Or if you are into Mexican food...

Archer Farms Pumpkin Harvest salsa.

Or into Greek food...

Cedar's Pumpkin Spice hommus. (I thought it was spelled hummus.)

Or just like fast food...

Halloween themed Whopper from 2015.

Just kidding, there is no pumpkin spice at Burger King...I hope.

Listerine breath stripes--pumpkin spice edition.

Or you could just skip the eating, and just make your breath smell like pumpkin spice...because people find the smell of pumpkin spice sexy?

There is even pumpkin spice, or at least pumpkin pet products too.

Greenies Pumpkin Spice Dental Treats.

There are Pumpkin Spice Dental Treats for your dog...because your dog's breath does not already smell like all the pumpkin spice food and drink that they are sneaking behind your back.Or maybe you want pumpkin spice flavored doggy kisses which sounds a little kinky to me, but who am I to judge?

Tidy Cats Fall Frolic scented cat litter.

Fall Frolic--I assume it smells like Pumpkin Spice. How does that pair up with the smell of "Oh god, how about burying your poop kitty!"? Does the smell of pumpkin spice offset "I owe the entire house now--smell my poop!"? Or does it just emphasize it?

Pumpkin and Spice Pet Odor Exterminator Candle.

I guess that covering up the smell of pets with pumpkin spice is a thing because here is a candle that promises to cover up the poop smell with pumpkin spice.

Moving onto the reason that animals poop...

Weruva Cats in the Kitchen Pumpkin Jack Splash.

 So let me see if I get this straight, you put tuna into some pumpkin soup, and then fed it to a human who thought this must be what cats want their food to taste like. Or something like that. I am having a real hard time picturing a cat coming up with this particular flavor combination. But I could be wrong, maybe cats love this.

[As always, if you think your product can survive an actual encounter with Morgan and his cats, just send some to: Morgan Eckstein and his many cats, 2727 N. Cook St. Denver, CO 80205. Kindly remember that I have like, oh say "less than a dozen, but damn close" number of cats, so send the multi-pack sample.]

The final word on pumpkin spice goes to a random internet cat...

This kitty does not know what they are missing.

Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy! (Real reason that the Hollywood cesspool and other cesspools exist)

Recently, there has been an uptick in horrible things happening to good people. There have been an increase in the number of immigrants, house foreclosures, jobs being lost, tires falling off of the back of trucks, sexual harassment accusations, Confederate statues being taken down, satiric writers not shutting up, gun rights being threaten by people who have no desire to shoot other people, and that horrible woman Hillary Clinton almost becoming President of the United States of America. And all these horrible things are caused by the same thing:

Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!

That Wall not being built: Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Parking ticket: Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Not getting a raise at work:  Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Bank says that they want their money: Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Loan shark says that they want their money:  Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Your horse not winning their race:  Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Toaster trying to electrocute you:  Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Killer Chinese satellite falling on your house:  Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Your favorite politician being falsely accused of sexual harassment:  Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Your favorite media talking head being falsely accused of sexual harassment: Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Your favorite Hollywood bigshot being falsely accused of sexual harassment: Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Vatican sex scandal:  Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Your least favorite politician actually committing sexual harassment:  Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Your least favorite media talking head actually committing sexual harassment:  Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Some Hollywood bigshot you hate actually committing sexual harassment: Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Being told that Alt-Right is just another term for "F***ing Nazi": Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Mass shootings:  Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Pot becoming legal: Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Liberals continuing to have civil rights:  Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Least favorite critic continuing to breathe in and out: Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
The ice cream parlor being out of your favorite flavor: Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!

And you know that it must be true when the world's greatest occultist and lover tells you...

"Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy! is why the world is a hot damn mess."

Because that explanation is so much more reasonable than "Human beings, especially men, abuse power whenever they acquire it."

For instance, there is no way that Hollywood turned into a cesspool in the thirties when men realized that there was money to be made making movies. There is no way that the hundred plus production companies of the 1910s and 1920s being brought up and condensed into a mere dozen in the 1930s and 1940s resulted in a situation where a handful of men could force women to have sex with them if they wanted to keep working. There is no way that these powerful men could convince their companies to sweep such behavior under the rug, paying off the most dangerous and uncomfortable accusations, putting clauses into their contracts that they (the powerful men) could have all the accusations they wanted as long as they paid fines, and enact self-censoring rules that ensured that no one could make a movie or television series about what was really going on. There is no way that power was condensed in the hands of a few men in such a way that it became a running joke in Hollywood that certain men in Hollywood controlled the entire careers of female actors because no one could actually talk seriously about the issue of sexual harassment if they wanted to continue working in Hollywood.

And there is absolutely no way that Wall Street, Washington D.C., Silicon Valley, mega-churches, network journalism, monolithic esoteric traditions, and a score of other industries that this blogger is too lazy to mention by name, had suffered the same type of power hoarding by men, so that they could also sexually harass any woman that they wanted to.

Hell, even the Bible has sexual harassment in it, saying that men are allowed to rape women as long as they pay a fine for violating virgins. There is absolutely no way that the Bible was actually written by men who held power and decided that they liked abusing the power that they hoarded.

No, it is far more reasonable that it was all the result of...

Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!

Furthermore, it is more reasonable that only those who do not share your particular political opinions are actually doing such misdeeds while those of your political mindset are being falsely accused. It is just a joke when your favorite politician says that they have committed sexual harassment on a live microphone, but completely true when your most hated and loathed enemy politician is accused of supporting a Satanic baby sacrifice ring. There is no way that your approval and white-washing of the deeds of those who share your political mindset is helping create the problem. There is no way that you have been tricked by false news and fast talking. No, that is can't be true; it must be a...

Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!

After all, that allows you to have a righteous hate of those who do not look and think like you do. It allows you to take part in a righteous crusade to free the world from a Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy! It makes you one of the good guys. It allows you to look forward to killing people that you do not like because they have to be part of a Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!

And in no way, are you being played by a Conspiracy to Control How You Think and Act, Pay Dues to, What you Buy, and What to Watch and Read, and Who to Vote for, by some people who decided that your hot button, the thing that makes you stupid is the idea that all your troubles are being caused by a Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy! After all, for that to be true, there would have to be a...

Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!

If you were ok with Trump's "grab them by the pussy" comment, then you are part of the problem.

Why I blog about politics and other distasteful stuff (why should those people have all the fun)

One of the questions I occasionally get asked is: "Why do you blog so much about politics and other distasteful things? Shouldn't you be focused on magic and whatnot? Or at least, satire and humor? After all, that is what you claim this blog is about."


And I would focus on humor and the occult if only certain other occult authorities would shut up about politics and whatnot, and focus solely on magic and the occult instead.


Unfortunately, these other occult authorities insist on preaching that everyone needs a gun, that Hillary Clinton should be shot as a traitor, that the news media needs to be put under government control, that Muslims should be put into concentration camps, that global warming is a Chinese hoax, that chem-trails are real, that free trade agreements are bad, that all immigrants are evil criminals, that you are not allowed to protest the actions taken by your government, that there are some nice people who just happen to also be Neo-Nazis, that there is an evil conspiracy of black magicians controlling the parts of the government that they disagree with, and that President Donald "Jesus" Trump is the greatest President ever.


If these dozen or so Big Name Occultists, all who claim that they speak for (and lead) the entire esoteric occult community, would shut up, I would be inclined to restrict my political commentary to my satires. But they won't, so either will I.


In fact, they believe that because they are the Heads of Great Traditions Going Back To The Stone Age And The Garden Of Eden, that not only are their opinions right, but that everyone who studies under them, and who comments on their pages, blogs, and groups, should be forced to think and believe exactly like they do.


If you think that I am wrong, just tell one of them in one of their forums that they are wrong--and see how quickly you get banned and expelled from their Holiest of Groups for disagreeing with their political opinions.


Quite honestly, I don't want you to think that they speak for all of us. Or at least, I don't want you to think that they speak for me.


So until they shut up about such matters, either will I.

I blog about politics because I disagree with the opinions of others.

Satirist calls someone a bastard for stealing the title of his novel

A lot of people think that the life of a satirist is easy. After all, you just sit around, observing life, and then you make jokes about the events you are observing until the events are no longer recognizable and your stories could not possibly be true.

Well, it is not that easy...for some people insist on living a life of satire, walking though life being nothing more than stereotypes, and generally making the work of the satirist harder than it should be.

The satirist had a devil of a time trying to make this satire be stranger than the events that he was commenting on.

First, there was the state of politics as he was writing it. No matter how strange and bizarre the previous day was, the next day was even more stranger and bizarre than the day before. The universe was rapidly headed to hell in a hand-basket one hundred and forty characters at a time. It is a sad state of affairs when you know that your best jokes are going to be topped by a five in the morning, straight from the bathroom chirp.

[Author's additional note: I have been informed by Chirper that if they knew that the President of 'Murica was going to govern though their platform that they would have never invented it. PoofPhoto and HeadScroll also like to point out that their platforms were designed for fun and cat photos, and not for destroying the world either. Well, technically, HeadScroll was meant for coordinating projects among college students--they were as surprised as the rest of us about how many college projects involve cats sitting in boxes.]

Second, there was the ongoing mental health crisis among occultists of all stripes. If you do not believe that this is true, the author dares you to follow the occult scene on any of the aforementioned social media sites. Within an hour you will see more madness and bloated Napoleon-like egos than the doctors of Bedlam, Arkham, and Belliview see in an year. For real fun, suggest that all occultists should be on meds, though one might want to leave early to avoid the inevitable rabble armed with flaming torches and pitchforks that follows such a comment.

Third, there seemed to be an unlicensed time machine (or maybe a couple of dozen) involved in the events that the satirist was faithfully documenting. We will see evidence of this periodically throughout this fantastic tale of magic and wonder. For now, let's observe what just happened to the satirist.

"Yeah, I have the perfect name picked out for my satire. It is M--k W--s. What? When? Where? Hang on, what was the website again? Oh sweet baby Jesus! The f**ing bastard has gone and trademarked the name of the title I was going to use."

The author sighs, "Bloody hell, I am now going to have to come up with an even stranger sounding title. How the hell did he pick the exact same title that I was going to use?"

"Magic? Divination?" The author strokes his manly Viking sorcerer beard. "No, it is that damn bloody time machine. Maybe if I am lucky, the Great Gherkin will use it to travel back in time and kill off his grandfather before his mother was conceived, and I can have my title back."

Can I interest you in some...DRAMA?!

What is NovelRama

Welcome to NovelRama month on my blog.

What is NovelRama?

It is a virtual writing event where novelists attempt to hack out twenty-five thousand words in the space of four days.

Over the space of the month I am going to post my rough draft from my latest NovelRama attempt (July 28, 29, 30, and 31).

Why?

Because it is more entertaining than the nonsense I ended up talking about last month.

Well, maybe not for you.

But it amuses me to do so--and it is my blog--therefore, welcome to NovelRama month!

NovelRama--because sometimes it is all about the word count.

This blog is ten years old (wave your hands in the air like you don't care)

This blog is ten years old as of today--can you believe it? That's a hundred and twenty months, or 3653 days of my random rants being on public display.

Over the last ten years, I have published 1410 blog posts, annoyed several people, been accused of being a member of a conspiracy comprised of dark magicians hell-bent on destroying the reputation of the most gifted and enlightened occultist ever (because we must continue to enslave humanity), pimped my ebooks,  and shared a godzillion cat pictures--all in the name of fighting of boredom and having a soapbox to yell at people from.

My posts get 319 views on average, and I have about 3749 views a month. And yes, I realize that every other occult blogger in the world has a bigger audience than I do; that's not going to change because I refuse to tell people how spiritually advanced they are, refuse to buy up tons of internet domains all feeding into my blog, and generally find advertising my own stuff a complete and utter bore.

Imagine that I said something witty about cats and money controlling the world.

So what have I learned over the last ten years? Here are ten things I learned...

# 1: I like cats better than I like certain people. And cats are as good of teachers as anyone else's Secret Chief. Every blog post that I write includes me saying, "Don't walk across the keyboard" at some point.

# 2: Stockpile your "nuclear troll" posts. There are a dozen posts that I have written, but have never published because they consist of me saying that the Imperial Pickle is the nastiest occultist I know (though Buddha Night does give them a run for their money). But never fear--if they annoy me, my finger might slip and "accidentally" hit the Publish button.

# 3: Peace is over-rated. And those who believe that you should never read another person's blog, and post your own response declaring them a wheelbarrow short of a garden shed, have no idea how the blogosphere actually works. The blogosphere is just one big argument, flowing from one blog to another.

# 4: Never use white text on a black background. I was one of the first Golden Dawn bloggers to do this (if not the very first) for symbolic reasons. And honestly, if I could go back in time, I would not do it again. Why don't I change it? Because I would have to manually fix all 1410 blog posts--I tried fixing it a couple of times, and ended up with white text on a white background.

# 5: A picture in every blog post is nice for link sharing purposes. I don't follow this rule as religiously as I should.

# 6: You can't please everyone, but you can easily piss everyone off. Every blog post I have written has been misread by someone.

# 7: Hiving off topics into other specialty blogs does not work for me--because I do not have the patience to build up another blog. That's why I talk about anything I want to on this blog, even if it has nothing to do with magic and witchcraft.

# 8: Everyone knows more than I do...because they have told me so. This includes the guy at the doughnut shop, who has never opened up an occult book in his entire life.

# 9: I am the class clown, the court jester, the Forest Gump of occultism. Or so I have been told repeatedly. In other words, people think that their opinions, beliefs, and practices are better than mine (absolutely correct, like Ten Commandment level of correctness)---and they really, really do not like people treating the subject of the occult with anything less than 200% seriousness. In other words, they think that I tell too many jokes.

# 10: I still like blogging, so I going to ignore all of your requests for me to quit blogging. Obviously, blogging is one of my guilty pleasures because everyone knows that occult blogging does not pay.

Just some of my stats for this blog--and yes, I know that your blog stats are better than mine.

My most disliked video (Happy Fourth of July 'Merica)

Last year on the Fourth of July, I filmed a bit about binding the evil Donald Trump. The video came about because I was already talking about how this man was going to be a Presidential train wreck--please remember that I was one of the few bloggers that thought that he was going to be elected--and had already starting kicking around the idea that the only way that we could avoid him from doing major harm was a binding spell (or some very loud protests and the other parts of the government telling him, NO!!!).

This was the subject of several conversations, with each one becoming more silly from my end because I thought that it would be a marvelous bit of witty and entertaining political satire. One of my friends offered to film it....probably so I would shut up about the idea.

So on the Fourth of July last year, I did the most American thing that you can do--complain about a politician that I hated. On film. And then I posted it on YouTube because my wife won't let me keep a printing press in the living room. Welcome to the modern Liberty Tree.

I know that some are horrified that I choose a modern social media platform to make jokes about politics. Many of the horrified applaud President Trump use of Twitter to post jokes about how he would like to slam news reporters to the ground. Can you say Double Standard? I knew you could.

It is ok for "conservatives" to say whatever they want, but heaven a liberal speaks their mind.

After we filmed the bit, I posted it...because I could (freedom of speech and the freedom of the press!). A few crickets watched it. A couple of humans down-thumbed it and left what I assume was supposed to be witty comments. Then we all forgot it because it was obviously political satire written and performed by a Wiccan in Golden Dawn.

Even after Trump won, proving a prediction that I made two Presidential election cycles before true, I assumed that the Bind Trump bit would remain unwatched forever. And then Trump the President started to act exactly like Trump the Reality TV Star, something else I predicted.

At a certain point, some witches and magicians came up with the idea of binding Trump. I was so not involved--despite the video evidence--mainly because I was too busy huddling in a corner with one of my cats waiting for the first flash of nuclear weapons being launched. (If Trump is not the President that nukes us all back to the Stone Age, then America's first female President, Sarah Palin will--either way, we are all going to glow in the dark.)

I was at the local occult store when a friend walked up and asked me if I heard about the global binding ritual that was being planned. I said, no--they sent me a link.

The very next day, someone blogged about the ritual (not me!)--and suddenly, my forgotten comedy bit was resurrected on YouTube, complete with more dislikes and negative comments.

Now, there are some who feel that I should listen to the negative comments and take my video down...I assume that they are Trump fans who can't handle the idea that someone may actually loathe their favorite politician. Instead, it amuses me to realize that this comedic bit is my most disliked (thumbed down) video on YouTube.

How disliked?

Well, for a video that only accounts for less than a tenth of my views (8% if you are curious), fourth most watched (thanks to those looking for videos about the global binding ritual), third in overall watch time, and my eighth best earner, it is amazing that it accounts for almost fifty percent of my overall dislikes on YouTube.

And it is not just Americans who dislike it, citizens from Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Indonesia, Latvia, and Norway also dislike it. Norway? Really, Norway? What do you know--I am an internationally disliked political comedian.

But never fear USA--you are still number one in disliking it.

You know you have a hit when your level of dislikes is this disproportional to the number of views. 

Now, I know that there are some critics of mine who believe that I should not be this amused by dislikes and negative comments. These critics forget that I wanted to be a newspaper columnist in the humor/political section. Dislikes and poison ink letters are just part of the trade. Of course, I assume that the real reason that they dislike the video is that Trump talk of getting rid of all the colored people, having all the poor people die from the lack of healthcare, and all those sweet, sweet tax breaks for the filthy rich, gives them a woody--it is either that or they rolled a critical IQ failure.

If you are not a member of the one percenters [1%], and you still think that the Trump's presidency is going to improve your life, you need to get checked out for brain damage. Either that, or you are a bigot who is turned on by his and your own bigotry. Nothing that his administration has done bodes well for the poor of any color, including white people. So you can rage all you like about me being unfair to Trump, and I am not going to change my mind any more than you are going to.

And now for your viewing displeasure, my most disliked video. Keep the negative comments coming!


Are you an evil witch or magician who thinks that Trump is going to turn us all into radioactive clouds of orange cheeto dust? Consider taking part in the global monthly waning crescent moon ritual to bind the actions of President Donald J. Trump.

For full text of Global Binding Ritual of Trump, click here. 

Dates for future Global Bind Donald J. Trump rituals 

2017

July 21; August 19; September 18; October 17; November 16; December 16

For a full list of future Bind Trump dates, click here.

A magical sigil being used by some to bind Trump.

Trump surprise (no no I dont want a surprise)

Some words that I never-ever want to hear coming out of the mouth of a politician:

"We are going to have a great, great surprise..."

No, no, no.

I am a German-Jew by ancestry, a magician and heretic by profession, and a witch by religious choice--and the words "great, great surprise" has never turned out well for any of my people. 

Think about it--German-Jew plus big surprise equals...oh yeah, seizure of property, stripping of citizenship rights, labor camps, starvation diets, and death by poison gas followed by an unmarked grave. Yes, it was a wonderful surprise for everyone who thought that the Jews and the Freemasons were the cause of Germany's economic problems, but it was hardly a birthday surprise that you wanted to have if you were a Jew.

(Hey, I am a German-Jew--I am allowed to make holocaust jokes.)  

Magician and heretic and big surprise equals...outlawing of one's writing by the Church, surprise visits by the Spanish Inquisition,  house arrests, marshmallows roasted over bonfires of humans going straight to hell, painful torture and death followed by an unmarked grave. Yes, it was wonderful surprise for those who believed that the Church was the only path to salvation and that those who thought differently were traitors to humanity, but it was hardly a birthday surprise that you wanted if you were a magician and heretic.

(Hey, I am a magician and a heretic--of course, I am going to make jokes about the Inquisition; it is what heretical magicians do.)

Witch and big surprise equals...outlawing of one's very existence by the powers that be, kings screaming that witches are trying to hex him to death, big cash rewards for every convicted witch, full prisons, less crazy cat ladies, and a boom for the kindling businesses, painful torture and fiery death followed by an unmarked grave. Yes, it was a wonderful surprise for those who did not want to be turned into frogs, but it was a hardly a birthday surprise that you wanted to have if you were a witch.

(Hey, I am a witch--the Big Book of Shadows say that witch hunts are not funny, but when has I allowed the political correct crowd keep me from making a bad joke?)

So hearing the 45th and final President of the United States say that we are going to have a "great, great surprise" sends a shiver down my back.

What could he possibly do with his magic pen (a pen that he screamed Obama should not have been using) that is going to fix the latest issue...which is...oh yeah--healthcare--what can he possibly do to fix the healthcare and health insurance markets?

Do away with the subsidies that support Obamacare? Which would kill Obamacare, but do nothing else--it will not fix the problem that poor sick can't afford insurance.

Declare that only losers can't afford health insurance and sky high deductibles? Which would be totally ignored by the people who voted for him because they are reality challenged.

Make a replacement law all by himself? Which actually violates the Constitution's division of powers--but who cares? The only parts of the Constitution that his supporters care about are their right to bear arms and their religious right to believe that all non-Christians and Biblical law violators should be burned at the stake.

Outlaw liberals who are the real reason that Republican healthcare reform is not passing? Hello, mass arrests, journalists shot, liberals killed in the streets, death and unmarked graves for all.

What could he possibly do here that would actually be helpful in fixing the healthcare and health insurance crisis? Outlaw sick people? Declare that death and sickness are a Chinese hoax designed to cripple the US economy? Blame Obama?

Now, there will be those who hate me for writing this stuff, saying that Trump is not an evil man, and that only losers can't afford healthcare.

By the way, I was one of the "losers" working more than forty hours a week, managing a restaurant, who had a choice between paying for health insurance that I could not use because the deductible was more than I made in a year; or dropping my useless health insurance, so that I could afford to pay my rent. Not to mention coming from a poor family (with eight kids because birth control was a tool of the devil), who also could not afford health insurance and health care either.

Do you really think I wanted to be an untreated bipolar on the verge of suicide or murdering people with an ax?

No, I can't imagine anything good for people like me coming out of a "great, great surprise" sprung by our reality star of a President.

As always, feel free to scream that I need to be burned at the stake for not believing that God, himself, picked Trump as our President, and that the real problem in America are people who think as I do.

And it is a bigly magic pen, the best bigly magic pen ever.

Are you an evil witch or magician who thinks that Trump is going to use his magic pen to outlaw everyone who disagrees with him? Consider taking part in the global monthly waning crescent moon ritual to bind the actions of President Donald J. Trump.

For full text of Global Binding Ritual of Trump, click here. 

Dates for future Global Bind Donald J. Trump rituals 

2017

July 21; August 19; September 18; October 17; November 16; December 16

For a full list of future Bind Trump dates, click here.

A magical sigil being used by some to bind Trump.

Father of Gump (what would my father think of me)

One of the things that I think about occasionally is what my father would have thought about how my life turned out.

For those who don't know: My father died in a semi-trailer accident in 1984, at the age of forty-two. He died while I was in Army boot camp. His death is the official reason that the US Army and I parted paths--because the Army thought that I was needed more back home (I am the oldest of eight kids). That idea did not pan out because my mom did not want me to return home (she was worried that I would affect her survivor benefits from Social Security)--which is probably a good thing considering how "evil" my life turned out to be (to her dying day, my mother would call me a Satanist...which I am not).

So basically, my father never saw any of my adult life.

Sometimes I believe that I would have been more successful if he would have lived longer. He was always the encouraging one. But I will admit that occasionally, he was ignorant of what direction I was headed. For instance, he was unaware of my desire to be a writer clear up to the end of my senior year in high school.

So I would like to believe that I would quit working food service sooner, that I would have went to college sooner, that I would have gotten treatment for my bipolar sooner, and that I would be more successful in my writing career--because of his encouragement.

Or maybe one of my sisters is right, and he would have completely disapproved of my life, and thought that I needed to taken down a peg or two.

Who f***ing knows.

What I do know is that he affected my politics, my approach to community service, my philosophy,  and how I tell stories.

I spent a lot of time with my father on various jobs. We remodeled houses together, worked on construction sites together (once spent the entire summer camping out on one job site out in the woods of Albert County), took me along to deliver produce to various customers (he actually was training me to take over the family produce company*), introduced me to farming and to the hobby of gardening. He also made sure that I was surrounded by books, and he tutored me and my sister to count change in our heads.

[*My sister likes to point out that the only reason that he was training me was that she wasn't old enough yet, and that he meant for her to take over the family business...which ironically, would have been totally acceptable to me--because I actually wanted to be a writer. This sister also points out that my writing totally s***s and that I will never be successful doing it as a career--she might have a point, but I am a crazy person and generally ignore her advice on that front.]

My father was the first comedian and story teller that I knew. In all fairness, many of his jokes were about Polish people....and I know that it is wrong that they still bring a smile to my face. And he told the same jokes over and over again--because each new job site or customer was a brand new audience. As a result of this, my first lessons in writing and revision came from my father.

We used to listen to talk show radio a lot. And he would argue back at the radio, "Well, that is not going to work out..." Plus him and Mom once campaigned for a candidate running for District Attorney here in Denver. So my getting up on a soapbox and sharing my political opinions would not have been foreign to him. And the rate I upset people, not a surprise at all--he often remarked that I would have been shot by the age of ten if I would have been born in Russia.

(He might have been surprised that I am still registered as a Republican--my mom insisted that all her kids had to be Republicans--hell, she would have demanded that I voted for Trump...except that her threat of disowning me for voting for the wrong person would have carried no weight because I was already disowned for being a Satanic witch.)

My interest in magic and the occult definitely would not have been a surprise--after all, he also sat at the table talking about Wicca and witchcraft with my aunt. He might have been surprised that I ended up in the pagan clergy category--or maybe not. After all, he had a touch of ESP (predicted the unification of Germany at a time that no one thought that it was possible).

I tend to think about him when I am gardening. Dad was the one who taught me how to compost, and stuff like that. He grew vegetables--which given that there was eight of his kids, and we were poor, made a lot of sense. I am not sure what he would have thought of my growing herbs, but I am sure that he would have understood my point that herbs are damn expensive at the store.

My deepest regret is that he never read any of my writing. When he was alive, I had to conceal my writing habit from my mom, who believed that writing was a sin. I was good at hiding what I was really up to. I especially regret that he did not live long enough to meet my wife, and read what I am currently working on--in fact, one of the characters in my Ancient Egyptian stories is partially based on him.

Still what can you do? Just fondly remember the man, and hope that he would have approved of where i am headed with my work. Happy Father's Day Dad--I miss you.

Happy Father's Day!