Without further ado, I present the real Secret Chiefs who chose me, and only me, to reveal the superiority of their Secret Wisdom. Feast your eyes on the very first communication with the Secret Chiefs, an initimate interview that the Secret Chiefs commanded me to post on my blog--enjoy your newly dawning enlightenment.
Why reveal yourselves today?
Today is the most sacred of days in our esoteric calendar, Day C, when all the brothers and sisters of the Rosicrucian Order met with their fellow seekers, the Illuminitia, exchanging lessons of crutical thinking.
And why did you chose me as your prophet?
We chose you as our spokesperson because you have the most read Golden Dawn blog, and because everyone loves you--there has never been an unkind word said about you, except by people trying to destory you. Besides any man who choses to speak to us, giving us more attention than the mere human mortals around us must be a totally cool guy, fit to lead the human race into the future.
How do you determine how advanced someone is?
There are several ways that we determine such things. One can learn a lot about a person from their tone of voice, and the way that they treat other living beings. A big custom of ours that we command you to share with your readers is the sharing of food--you can tell a lot about a person by what food they are willing to share with their companions. We also recognize that play is important, as well as getting enough exercise--a healthy body equals a healthy mind--therefore, you should take more walks. And when all else fails, we can judge a person by how they react to getting their butt sniffed; after all, a lot of humans like to pretend that their gas does not smell.
Who is the highest species on the planet?
Humans, of course. They are like gods, and the whole reason that we, the Secret Chiefs, exist is to help them advance in their knowledge. We live to serve humanity as it blossoms into a species that aliens will be proud to meet.
How does one advance in the Great Work?
By working hard. Protect those who are weaker than you are. When bad things happen, spread the news--for when a siren is not barked at, no one will know that they are in danger. Do things that are pleasing to humans, for they are like gods awaiting your service.
How do you feel about bacon?
Love it---you can't improve on bacon.
Who is the worst enemy of mankind?
The mailman. Here is an example of a person who has sunk as low as a human being can get, fearful of strangers, ready to pepper spray any that greet them; a human that only fetches and brings forth bad things, such as bills and cat magazines.
Finally, what is the official uniform of a Secret Chief?
A fez and a bow tie, of course.