And your vote changed nothing (you are still going to be replaced by a robot)

[Before I get to today's post, I would like to point out that I predicted a Trump presidency in 2011--and given my method of dramatic fortune telling (soon-to-be-trademarked) worked....despite the fact that I was supporting another candidate (Bernie...but I did vote for Clinton....because obviously I am a black magician)--I would like to predict who the first female President is going to be--Sarah Palin (again, a 2011 prediction).]

[The following post was written last week before the election happened...and I stand by it despite the fact that someone is sure to shot me in the face for what I say in it.]

By the time you read this, the longest election cycle in human memory will be over. Maybe. Or maybe it will still be going on, and we are still facing months, if not years, of outrage and violence because the wrong person won. 

Years ago, I made the decision that my goal (as a pagan writer and blogger) was to get pagans and witches to vote, but that I would avoid telling people who and what to vote for whenever possible. In other words, I wanted to remain neutral. Over the years, I would like to think that I managed to accomplish this goal—but I will admit that my own political opinions occasionally have bled though on occasion. Especially in this election cycle. 

For instance, as a satirist, I have made fun of both primary political parties…but let’s be honest, I made fun of one side much more than the other. Still there is nothing quite like saying, “Congratulations America, you just elected the worst President ever!” to make both sides hate your guts. And yes, I firmly believe that for the next four to eight years, I am going to see talk that whoever won is literally the worst President ever. 

I also believe that I am going to watch the losing side do everything in their power over the next four to eight years to prevent the winner from accomplishing a damn thing. We just had eight years of the Republicans doing everything in their power, to prevent the President from accomplishing a damn thing—even voting for things that they knew were bad, and against things that their own party originally suggested because their party didn’t control the Presidency—in other words, they automatically opposed the President’s position, simply because he belonged to the opposite party. 

Basically, the entire country was held hostage because voters elected the wrong person for President.

And we are going to see that again. The Republicans have already came out and promised to block every Supreme Court nominee that Hillary Clinton puts forth. Think about that. If Hillary wins, the Republicans have promised to block every nominee she suggests for the next four years (or eight years, if she wins a second term). Already there are problems because the Supreme Court is deadlocked on many cases. Now, imagine the rest of the members of the Supreme Court dying one by one, and never being replaced—and that is what we have been promised. And if it is Trump that has won…well, he is a barrel full of monkeys that might have both political parties trying to slow him down. 

For the one person who have not heard read my satire—I believe that a Trump presidency will result in large parts of the Constitution being crossed out, numerous military personal being tried for treason for disobeying orders, several more wars, the use of at least one more nuke on a civilian packed city; and journalists, cartoonists and comedians being locked up after their professions are made illegal. And the punchline is that he won’t accomplish a damn thing that he promised.

Ok, maybe that is merely my satirist eyes looking at the situation. The real punchline may be that he goes back to the political opinions that he held a decade or two ago (which mirrors Clinton’s), and it does not matter who wins because we end up with the exact same decisions being made—the only difference is the plumbing of the person sitting in the oval office. 

And there are certain problems that it does not matter who gets elected, we still screwed. For instance, trade and manufacturing. If the borders are closed, and companies are forced to make products here, prices go up (because cheap foreign stuff doesn’t get in), wages do not keep up (and if they do, you find yourself replaced by a robot). If we continue being part of the global trade community, well, we are decades away from global wages being equalized; and years before that happens, the workers who end up with higher wages  (no matter where they are) are replaced by robots.  In the end, it does not matter what solution that you try, people get replaced by robots. The only bright note is that if you follow the trend, and assume that businesses always go for the cheapest labor option, is that everyone in the entire world eventually is replaced by a robot—our country, being first world, merely got to experience the problem sooner than the rest of the world.  

Let me be clear here—some problems are so big and nasty that it doesn’t matter who gets elected; the problems are still going to screw almost everyone. Issues with healthcare, social security, the impeding mass student loan defaults, and unemployment are not going to go away, and are going to get worse—and there are no solutions that will magically fix them. We are talking structural problems that sooner or later will have to be dealt with. It is just too bad that no politician actually wants to be the villain that fixes them. 

And the reason that no politician wants to do what is actually necessary to fix them is the voters will automatically howl at them for being villains. The voters firmly believe that these problems are not part of their world; and that if only the poor people worked a little harder, poor people wouldn’t be so poor and need government help in the first place. Basically, voters believe that all poor people are lazy (even if they are working two full time jobs) and that is why they are poor, and that all welfare recipients are cheats. Furthermore, the reason that the federal budget is so out of control is welfare…and not the fact that we are secretly (or not so secretly) fighting five simultaneous wars, allowing corporations get away with paying no taxes in some cases, giving wealth-aid to corporations who know that they are not paying their employees a living wage (as in they instruct their employees how to file for food stamps), and a bunch of other stuff that seems to only aid the rich. 

Ok, maybe not all voters. But enough that we will have to go into a depression before anyone is allowed to fix any of the big structural problems facing us. 

My favorite example is the Florida mandatory testing of welfare recipients (because all welfare recipients are drug abusers) where the governor’s wife’s company got the contract and they did not even catch enough violators to offset the cost of the testing program. In fact, they caught less than a hundred. But people still demand it, despite the fact that all it really accomplished was making a rich person richer…because everyone who gets government aid is a drug addict. 

These same poor people are accused of voter fraud because they love welfare. This idea completely ignores the real and very legal voter fraud in this country where congressional district maps are redrawn periodically, so that congressmen can maximize the number of voters that support them while removing those areas populated by those most likely to vote against them. It also conveniently ignores the fact that voter id laws are designed to remove poor people and minorities from the voter rolls. But whatever because all poor people are lazy and welfare cheats. 

But the most interesting thing I experienced this election cycle is people calling me a traitor to the United States for talking about these very things. We now live in a culture that believes, on some level, that voting for the “wrong party” and the “wrong candidate” and for the “wrong issues” is a form of treason. How did we get here? I am not surprised by this, for I have seen every President in my lifetime be called the “worst President ever”—but I am a little unclear when it became an act of treason to exercise my right to vote for whoever the hell I wanted to vote for. 

And the really sad part is that four years from now, it is going to be worse. We are going to continue making the rich richer while blaming the poor for all the problems, continue to ignore the structural problems that will result in a recession, if not a full-blown depression. And continue to call people who decide that they don’t like such things, traitors. This election will have changed nothing, and is merely the warm-up act. 

But then again, I could be wrong—after all, I am just a happy little cynic.  

We are all going to die...because Trump is the second coming of Jesus Christ.

The only way Hillary Clinton can win is (fill-in-the-blank)

I am always amazed at the things that I learn reading certain blogs and Facebook pages. Tonight, I learned that there is a covert civil war going on, that Hillary Clinton has already stolen the election, and that Black Magick Slavers are the power behind Hillary Clinton. Next up will be an armed rebellion with a mighty white magician leading the charge to overthrow Hillary Clinton, to jail both the Clintons and the Obamas, and put the rightful ruler of the United States, Donald Jesus-Christ-he-is-the-second-coming Trump in charge.

Because there is absolutely no way that Trump could actually lose this election on his own.

This is the type of stuff that I would expect to see in one of my little satires, either tentacle and/or Necronomicon related. But no, it is real--there is a mighty occult leader who believes this. And he has lots of friends.

So Wednesday, either Trump has won, or we get to see an open civil war with real fireballs being used. And here I thought it was going to be boring after the election was over. Turns out it is just the start of an interesting time...one that results in me getting shot in the face for not supporting Trump...because only black magicians support anyone other than Trump.

Black Magick Slavers?!

The reviews are in for this mighty fine book that does not exist. 

Talking with the Honored Dead

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This season's Tarot Blog Hop is about seeking advice from our honored ancestors. 

For this one, I decided merely to do a simple Tarot reading. Now one of the tricks I learned when consulting the Tarot for a specific matter, is that you can remove the significator from the deck, decide what card represents the issue, shuffle, turn over cards until you find that card, and the next cards in the deck are the ones that you are reading.  

In this case, I chose the Magician card to represent myself (as a writer), and the Death card to represent advice from the honored dead (the crossing card).

Dead and beyond the veil.

Reading the next three cards, I assigned them to the three pillars of Kabbalah, and to specific people in my ancestry.

Pillar of Mercy (and my father): Page of Wands--Pages are students, and I always associate wands with pens, so I am reading this as "Practice makes perfect, or at least, better." And that is something that I occasionally forget as a writer--basically, I always feel like my first draft should be perfect, and that is not actually the way it works.

Pillar of Severity (and my mother): Two of Wands--One of the meanings of this card, according to Tarot For Writers (Corrine Kenner) is the will and power to move beyond the initial stages of creation. In other words, finish the work. One of the problems that I have struggled with as a writer is actually finishing projects; I am ok with smaller projects, but I tend to abandon larger projects because I feel like I should be working on "money projects"---unfortunately, I keep changing targets because I doubt that my current work-in-progress is going to make money. Basically, I need to learn to actually finish things. (I am getting better at this, thanks to the yummy bipolar meds.)

[The reason that Tarot For Writers was consulted was it was the only Tarot book near me, and there is a cat asleep on my lap. The reason for it being close is that tomorrow is the start of National Novel Writing Month, that delightful time when some writers try to hack out fifty thousand words (the amount of words in a novel) in thirty days.]

Pillar of Mercy (and my witchy aunt): Three of Pentacles--This is a card that shows both spiritual support as well as blueprinting it out. Think of an artist being influenced by the rules of their craft (the themes that you see in certain types of works, for instance, detective stories), as well as the muse (who is not even sure that an outline is a good thing). This actually seems to indicate that the project that enjoys such an interaction is the next one that I should be working on...and I think I know what one it is (the taxi driving troll that becomes a private detective--Harmic Burrows). 

So that was my advice from the honored dead....unless it was for one of my readers. And a example of a quick way to do a reading using the idea of significators and crossing cards.  

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Standing Rock check in

Hello, from Standing Rock. *waves hello to law enforcement*

Oh dear, the bison forgot their protest signs.

Why Trump is going to win (be happy)

As we approach the end of the longest election cycle in human history, people are slowly losing their minds that the best person for the job of President of the United States, and the inspiration for all the bad things that happen in the world, might not be won by the best person for the job.

But never fear, the best person for the job will win, and America will finally have the President that it deserves in this day and age. Yes, that is right--Donald Trump is going to win.

And how do we know this? Though the sacred art of Evil Writer Fortune Telling (totally trademarked, I tell you). The basic principle of Evil Writer Fortune Telling is to go with the most interesting option. And in this election, there is only one interesting option, and that is Donald Trump.

For instance, who is the only candidate who will gladly, and without warning, nuke an entire Middle Eastern city off the face of the Earth to cripple the leadership of ISIL? That's right, Donald Trump. Unlike those whiny "humans have the right not to glow in the dark" liberals and peaceniks, Trump knows that the entire world will sit up and take notice when a giant radioactive crater is created in the Middle East. Think of the viewers; think of the commercial possibilities (Get your Lead Radiation Screen right here, a steal for a mere thousand dollars a tube! New from a company proudly owned by the President.); think of how you, the humble audience member will eagerly follow the news, and bet on what the next city that will be nuked into extinction. (Detroit looks like a good one; Flint is definitely a possibility; any city in China or Mexico---Vegas will love Trump as a President.) And can you get this level of interest with any of the other possibilities? No, only Trump will provide this level of entertainment for the world.

And just look at the exciting possibilities of using the Constitution as toilet paper. With a stroke of a pen, Trump will cross out that annoying bit in the Constitution about birth-right citizenship. Suddenly everyone is eligible for deportation, baths at the end of a fire hose, the forced watching of people melting from radiation exposure. It does not matter if your parents are illegal immigrants and you being an anchor baby, or if your ancestors fought in the good war against that evil English king, everyone loses their citizenship. What country are you going to be deported to? Who knows--but it will be interesting, you will pay attention to the news and fear those interesting SWAT and Department of Cool Deportation trucks rolling down the street.

Plus mass shooting and terrorism will become more interesting, and we all know that the problem with mass shootings and terrorism is that it is so boring. But not anymore, for Trump will issue everyone, including my dear grandmother, a gun and send them out into the streets to hunt down the next terrorist and mass shooter. You will have a personal interest, and you can't get any more interesting than a personal interest, in finding that killer before they find you. Just remember that there are three terrorists living in your neighborhood, and they could be anyone (lesbians, Mexicans, blacks, Muslims, witches, the neighbor with the barking dogs), so make sure that you shoot them before they blow you up using bombs disguised as cupcakes.

Trump can even make economics interesting. The newest game show will be Who Will Be Replaced By a Robot today?! Yes, that is right, Trump will close the borders, forcing employers to create jobs for super-cheap working robots. There will be none of this nonsense with unemployment figures because everyone will be unemployed. Plus Trump will fix all the budget problems by eliminating all government welfare and health programs. You will thrill to the possibilities of starving to death, or being eaten by unemployed cannibals. And what could be more interesting than unemployed cannibals? I don't know; but Trump is sure to think of it, and you know that you are so interested in knowing the answer that you are going to vote for Trump.

You are going to vote for Trump! And you are going to vote for Trump! And you are going to vote for Trump! Everyone is going to vote for Trump! That's right, no one else is going to vote for anyone else because to do so would be voter fraud; and let's be honest, voter fraud is so boring. And it would be so boring to vote for Hillary or Jill or that crazy guy with the boot on his head--none of them will do the interesting things that Trump will do.

Remember as an American voter, you have the right to vote for the candidate that will make your life the most interesting, and that is Trump!

[And if you don't think that "interesting" is a good measure of who is going to win, just look at the other candidates that Trump was chosen over, including boring Jeb Bush and the other thirty-eight boring candidates. And who do you talk about the most---yeah, you are most interested in talking about Trump---so go for the hat trick, and just vote for him. You know that you do not want to be bored, so go for the most interesting and entertaining candidate available.]

Trulhu 2016! The last President you will ever need.

Jill Stein ballot map

Where you can vote for Jill Stein (if you feel like doing so)

Remember that as a voter, you have the right to vote for whoever you feel like voting for. You also have the right not to tell anyone about how you are using your vote. And if your heart tells you to vote for a third party candidate, let's say Jill Stein, that's your right. And yes, you are going to be told that you are wasting your vote, or endangering the country for voting for the wrong person, but we are told every election that it is the wrong time to vote for a third party, so there is nothing new there. The important part is to vote, and then to put a bag over your head because the world is coming to an end for the billionth time.

Wait—slavery is still legal?

The other day, I received the voter’s blue book, that delightful document that informs a voter of the items that will be on the state ballot, or as my wife calls it, “something terribly boring that Morgan should read instead of me.” The voter’s blue book is not necessarily coma-inducing, but it is definitely a sleep aid. And there always seems to be at least one measure on the ballot, that even after reading the blue book, one is not sure how to vote on, leading one to debate whether flipping a coin is the best way to determine one’s vote (it is not—one should use the Morgan Law of Voter Guidance instead in such cases: When in doubt, vote No). 

One of the joys of reading the voter’s blue book is the discovery of things that are laws that one had no clue were laws. And I say, “joys” because I have no proper term for “gee, the laws are even more messed up than I thought they were” which the Germans or the Japanese probably have a word for; but given the fact that I only speak two languages (English and Bad English), I will never know if someone does not angrily email me proof of my total ignorance. 

(It should be noted that after several years of studying French that I remember all of nothing of that language, and the little bit of Hebrew and Yiddish I know is merely some technical terms for a system of mysticism that makes Zen look simple—one should not issue the advice that I should learn a foreign language because I have ready proven that I am a complete dunderhead in that department…well, unless you consider Cat to be a language, I am pretty fluent in that. But I digress…)

This election cycle, the surprise discovery was that slavery and involuntary servitude was still legal in the state of Colorado. Well, not for everyone. Just those duly convicted of a crime. It is not really surprising from an historical sense, but a modern person still half-looks-around and says, “Are we in Ancient Rome?” 

But the shocking part was the argument that the clause should remain in Colorado’s constitution—“Amendment T may result in uncertainty around current offender work practices in the state.” Yeah, just like the confusion, its exclusion creates in the twenty-five states which constitutions that this clause is absent from. After all, everyday some while in the news, there are reports of prisons, both governmental and private company-ran, suffering from the inability to force inmates to work. Oh wait, no, there is not (well, to the best of my knowledge, I am sure an angry reader will email me tons of links to such news reports to prove that not only am I a complete and total dunderhead, but that I am an ignorant liberal hippie who does not understand the economies of the modern prison system). Isn’t prison bad enough without having to resort to slavery? 

(By the way, for those who are curious, slavery “is a situation in which one person has absolute power over the life, fortune, and liberty of another person,” and involuntary servitude is “a condition of servitude in which one is forced to work for another person by the use or threat of physical restraint or physical injury, or by the use or threat of coercion through the law of the legal process.” Or as I like to call it, “my childhood, living with my mom, from ages twelve to eighteen.” [Yes, I know that I should not compare life-threatening child abuse with slavery and involuntary servitude, but I did—remember I read all the angry letters, so keep sending them.])

But then again, some people probably believe that slavery is too good for some criminals. I know a few people who think death is the only proper punishment for liberal, wise-cracking witches—slavery is too good for that sort of crime. Come to think of it, I am quite sure that some of those films I saw about the violent crime caused by marijuana use, were secretly arguing slavery as a punishment for getting caught with a joint. (As it is, getting caught with a joint can get you more prison time than being convicted of rape, and carries a lifelong sentence of being ineligible to vote [in most states], and requires you to admit to every potential employer for the rest of your life that you were as bad of a human being as murderers, thieves, and terrorists. From where I sit, the entire war on drugs is nothing more than a thinly veiled political maneuver designed to eliminate the voting powers of minorities and those dirty filthy hippies who believe wars and corporate greed is bad.)

Of course, the saddest part is that the law books are full of laws designed to punish certain types of people. A lot of them probably made sense at one time, well, provided that the sense was to punish certain types of people for being “not white” and “not rich.” For instance, there are anti-gypsy laws in almost every state. ” One particular one that I, a poor white boy, ran afoul of, was a Denver law requiring fortune tellers to pay a fifty dollar a day licensing fee. That’s not a typo—it was literally fifty dollars a day for the privilege of reading someone’s Tarot cards. A few years, the Denver Police decided to try to enforce it. And in the same mode that smoking marijuana makes you a murderous terrorist, fortune telling was called a “gateway crime” that leads to even worse crimes. Ok, maybe some con-men, or is it con-women, do use fortune telling as the opening bid to the “you are cursed—for a thousand dollars, I can un-hex you,” but one hopes that type of con-game has its own separate law forbidding it. (And yes, send me all the news reports of crooked psychics and fortune tellers to prove that we need to stop this stuff at its source because obviously, not only am I a liberal dunderhead, I am also completely ignorant of how often it actually happens.)  

[After I wrote this column for the Hearthstone Community Church's newsletter just last week, I have learned that fortune telling is illegal in Las Vegas...]

And there are sillier laws out there, if one bothers to look. One of my jokes this election season, typically after someone tells me that making jokes will not make America great again, has been to point out that the next President will make it against the law to make jokes about the President on the first day that they are in office. (If you think I am truly making a joke, just remember that one of the campaign promises that has been made is to make it easier to sue journalists for reporting the truth—as in reporting the actual words said by a person will be an offense worthy of big dollar judgements against journalists. One imagines that comedians are not far behind in being outlawed.) And if you don’t think that it could happen, consider this: The leader of North Korea, who is admired for being a strong man and a winner by one of the Presidential candidates, outlawed sarcasm last month. Hell, sarcasm is most of my writing style—if the next American President takes their cue from strong-arm countries—I will soon be arrested, convicted, and jailed, with a judge exclaiming that slavery is too good for me.