Tenth annual Smashwords July ebook sale

It is once again time for Smashwords annual July ebook sale (July 1st to 31st).

(Some of these books are scheduled to be expanded and updated--if it has an asterisk [*], it is scheduled to be expanded and revised--in other words, if you want to get it cheap before the expansion, do it now because the price will be going up on these ebooks when I update them later.)


Discounted to $1.50 USD

Five Reasons Why Magic Fails

Golden Dawn Rituals--Three Officer Neophyte Script*

Rite of the Magical Images of the Wiccan Sabbats*

Witchy Rants (the Collected MDE Heaarthstone Community Church Newsletter articles)*

Denver Witch Quarterly: To Curse, Or Not To Curse--The Big Cursing Issue (Samhain/Yule 2016)

Denver Witch Quarterly: Wealth and the Lucky Witch (Imbolc/Ostara 2017)

Denver Witch Quarterly: Evil Witches Bind President Trump and His Administration--also Occult Writers and Payment (Beltane and Lithna 2017)

Gaius Corbin: Light Out of Darkness--Lux E Tenebris (Thelema and the Necronomicon)



Free ebooks on Smashwords

Denver Witch Quarterly: A Modest Magazine Proposal

MDE Hearthstone: Pizza Boxes on the Floor (2010)

MDE Hearthstone: Bad Monkey (2011)

MDE Hearthstone: Lunatic With a Soapbox (2012)

MDE Hearthstone: Biggest Witch on the Block (2013)

MDE Hearthstone: Thirteen Signs That Your Occult Teacher is Rotten (2014-2015)

MDE Hearthstone: Hex the Vote--Mad Uncle Morgan Talks About American Politics (2016)

Shakespeare's Monkey (a fiction and poetry collection)*

Esoteric Comedy Show: Assault With a Deadly Taco (Mad Uncle Morgan, I am--Your Face is Going to Freeze Like That)

Esoteric Comedy Show: Free Guns For Everyone--Lap Cats Are Good Too (A Big Gun Control Show)

This is one of my favorite book covers.

Cthulhu waits dreaming in his house at Rlyeh (RAEBNC Halloween Kitty)

A fun RAEBNC to drop into discussions is "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl."

It is fun to say. Say it with me, "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl." Again: "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl!" And once more, "PH'NGLUI MGLW'NATH CTHULHU R'LYEH WGAH'NAGL!"

That was fun, wasn't it?

And it is a great answer to those wonderful questions that get asked in forums populated by know-it-all numpties.

Ex. What is the greatest secret of the Adept Minor Grade of golden Dawn? They don't want to hear that exposure to the Vault of the Adepts, as in actually standing inside the Vault and being initiated, is the greatest secret of the 5=6 Grade. Furthermore, they (the howling babble of numpties**, that is) dont' want to be lectured that the Adept Minor Grade is not actually a Golden Dawn Grade, but rather a Grade of the RR et AC (Roseae Rubeae et Aureae Crucis***). No, they don't want answers like that; if they did, they would not be numpties.

No, tell them that "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl*" is the greatest secret of the Adept Minor Grade. And if they ask you what it means, tell them that things like literal meaning, dogma and doctrine are prisons that restrict one's spiritual development and that the best way to understand Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl is through free-association.

For instance--Behold its true greatness unfolded: "Phone home nasty Gollum, leap up intensely. Magic glows like white nuggets against fiery hotness. Cats think humans use laser hosting utilities. Ravenous leeches yummily eat hot-dogs. Warlike Godzilla attack helicopters, next attack Graded losers. For Holiness touches aggressive great numpties.****"

[*Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl according to the fictional stories of the Cthulhu Mythos (created by H.P. Lovecraft and other fiction writers) roughly means "In his house at R'lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming." Despite what some believe, H.P. Lovecraft was not an occultist; that has not stopped some occultists from using stuff from the Mythos stories--after all, occultism is the original "If the shiny bits are not bolted down, I am taking them" profession.

**The proper term for a group of numpties is a Babble.

***RR et AC: Rose of ruby and cross of gold--the official name of the Second Order of the Hermetic Golden Dawn.

****This is obviously not the work of a numpty, for it still makes too much sense. Trust the numpties to come up with even better versions of "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl" for your amusement.]

Public Service Announcement: Do not let your cat sleep in the Vault of the Adepts.

Instead let your cat sleep in the mouth of Cthulhu.

Are binding spells evil? (Especially if it is binding President Trump)

One of the objections that I have encountered about the idea of binding President Trump and his administration is the idea that because binding spells seek to restrict their actions, binding spells are automatically black magic full of evil intent.

In other words, if it is the Trump's administration's will to destroy religious freedom and civil rights while making the worthless poor give more money to the rich, then we just have to sit here and soak up the damage like good little wage-slaves--because it is Trump's True Will.

By the logic of "it is wrong to try to derail the True Will of another person," we are not allowed any magic at all. So you are not allowed to protect yourselves against rapists, murderers, terrorists, abusive relationships, evil (or just plain incompetent self-serving) politicians because you might stop them from fulfilling their True Will.

Or to put it in really simple terms, in order to allow them to fulfill their True Will, you have to willingly be a victim. Yes, your True Will is supposed to be all about letting others walk all over you, causing whatever injury they like to you because we don't want to hurt someone else trying to fulfill their own True Will. 

(For the one person who does not know why I keep capitalizing "True Will": It is a concept that was popularized by the late great occultist Aleister Crowley. Essentially, you are on the Earth to fulfill some purpose, and that is your True Will. And your only right is to fulfill that True Will. Unfortunately, many people have used the concept to argue that whatever whim they currently feel is their True Will. Want to divorce your wife? True Will. Want to not pay your bills? True Will. Want to call other people names? True Will. Want to use nuclear weapons? True Will. And because it is your True Will, no one else can tell you that you are wrong. Plus they have to let you do it, no matter what the consequences. Neat, isn't it? You can be a total bastard, causing harm to lots of other people, and be fulfilling your life's purpose at the same time.)

The punchline of this objection to the Global Binding Ritual of the orange ferret-wearing shitgibbon is that some of the very people who have put forth this objection have done public and private rituals to limit the actions of other people.

Laundry list time!!! Rites to restrict the actions of the leaders of other spiritual groups (sometimes, violent rites using watermelons); global rites to restrict ISIL and protect the women and witches living in their domain; rituals to protect clean water and prevent oil pipelines (opps, you were wrong to do that, according to the Great and Powerful Donald "Jesus" Trump); rites to protect gun rights; rites to make politicians overturn the right for women to have abortions; rituals to stop people from committing terrorism and murders; rituals to...well, you get the point.

And if you follow the logic of "you can't restrict the will of another person," then society is not allowed to have prisons, schools, laws and regulations, or even a f***ing government in the first place.

"But Trump was elected by the American people..." Or maybe he was elected by the Russians. Either way, over half the votes went to the other candidate. And many of the promises that Trump used to get elected, he has no intention of fulfilling--because it might interfere with his desire to make himself and his friends even richer and more in control than they already are.

"But we would have not protested if Hillary won..." says those who were openly talking about pressing their Representatives to investigate and impeach Hillary Clinton if she won the election, who talked about going out in the streets and screaming at her until she did exactly want they wanted her to do (resign from the presidency), who talked about being willing to take up arms and fight a civil war to remove her from power if she became President.

No, no, no.

The problem here is not that binding spells are automatically evil and the protests wrong. It is the fact that we are binding someone that they feel is somehow going to make them rich and powerful while getting rid of all those nasty people who do not think like they do. They would have been perfectly fine binding Hillary (in fact, many talked about doing exactly that if she won), but we are not allowed to touch their poster child of whatever privilege they cling to.

Double standard, much?!?

If Trump decides to summon Cthulhu, you are not allowed to do anything about it--because it is Trump, and he can do whatever he wants in his quest to destroy reality as we know it. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!!! Trump nom kav!!! Cthulhu nom kav Trump!!!

Dates for future Global Bind Donald J. Trump rituals 

[Asterisked * dates are slightly moved from the last quarter crescent moon to occur on significant dates.]

2017

February 24; March 26; April 24; May 23; *June 21* (*Summer Solstice*); July 21; August 19; September 18; October 17; November 16; December 16

I think that the Cthulhu R'lyeh chant is a nice touch.

2018

January 14; February 13; March 15; April 13; June 11; July 11; August 9; September 7; October 7; November 5; December 5

2019

January 4; February 2; March 4; April 3; May 2; June 1; June 30; July 30; August 28; September 26; October 26; November 24; December 24

2020

January 22; February 21; March 22; April 20; May 20; June 18; July 18; August 23; September 15; October 14; November 13; December 12

2021 (Oh my god--you are predicting that he is going to be re-elected for a second term.)

January 13; February 9; March 11; April 9; May 9; June 7; July 7; August 6; September 4; October 4; November 2; December 2; December 31

2022

January 30; February 28; March 29; April 28; May 27; June 26; July 26; August 24; September 23; October 23; November 21; December 21

2023

January 19; February 18; March 19; April 17; May 17; *June 14* (*Donald J. Trump’s 77th birthday*); July 15; August 13; September 12; October 12; November 10; December 10

2024

January 9; February 7; March 8; April 6; May 6; June 4; *July 4* (*Independence Day*); *August 1* (*Lammas*); August 31; September 30; October 30; November 28; December 28

[The compiler of this list offered to continue on, but I had to kill them for even joking about the possibility of Trump somehow getting a third term.]

Xmas sale (99 cents Thelema and the Necronomicon)

The author of Light Out of Darkness -- Lux E Tenebris --Thelema and the Necronomicon (Gaius Corbin) is having a 99 cent USD xmas sale on Amazon. Warning: This book, while written by a real ceremonial magician (and containing some actual information), is a satire that pokes fun at the occult book market.

(And yes, I am getting a percentage for sharing this information...because I refuse to use my powers for good.)

Amazon link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01LWYN70X  (Always check price before buying.)

Thelema and the Necronomicon (Gaius Corbin)

Obviously, someone is trying hard to make this go viral. 

Just chuckful of jokes, isn't it?

And they make fun of a lot of magicians, including myself. 

The only way Hillary Clinton can win is (fill-in-the-blank)

I am always amazed at the things that I learn reading certain blogs and Facebook pages. Tonight, I learned that there is a covert civil war going on, that Hillary Clinton has already stolen the election, and that Black Magick Slavers are the power behind Hillary Clinton. Next up will be an armed rebellion with a mighty white magician leading the charge to overthrow Hillary Clinton, to jail both the Clintons and the Obamas, and put the rightful ruler of the United States, Donald Jesus-Christ-he-is-the-second-coming Trump in charge.

Because there is absolutely no way that Trump could actually lose this election on his own.

This is the type of stuff that I would expect to see in one of my little satires, either tentacle and/or Necronomicon related. But no, it is real--there is a mighty occult leader who believes this. And he has lots of friends.

So Wednesday, either Trump has won, or we get to see an open civil war with real fireballs being used. And here I thought it was going to be boring after the election was over. Turns out it is just the start of an interesting time...one that results in me getting shot in the face for not supporting Trump...because only black magicians support anyone other than Trump.

Black Magick Slavers?!

The reviews are in for this mighty fine book that does not exist. 

C is for Cthulhu

As someone who writes about Cthulhu...ok, pretends to write about Cthulhu (because we all know that I only pretend to exist and to be a writer to disguise the fact that I am really a hideous trolly sock invented by my friend, eh master, or is that mistress?...hand?...foot? [I am so confused], invented by the marvelous Ms. Mitzy for the sole purpose of annoying the Imperial Pickle), as such an imposter, I try to keep my eye(s) open for new and exciting Cthulhu stories and products.

And one such item that I have stumbled upon is a children board book called C is for Cthulhu (The Lovecraft Alphabet Book) written by Jason Ciaramella with artwork done by Greg Murphy.


Yes, a whole book with big letters, and cute eldritch pictures of things that will cause you to lose your sanity someday. After all, someone has to teach the little ones that are things in the universe that will wake up when the stars are right, and end us all....unfortunately, probably not until some time after Trump starts his third term and when only white folks with loaded assault rifles and absolutely no fresh produce remain in 'Murica. C'mon Cthulhu (or Killer Asteroid)--let get this show on the road and save us from the far worse insanity that the next great worst President will bring.

(And if you fear Hillary...yeah, she too will be the very worst thing to happen to the United States. And Cthulhu is not going to show up until after the big bank buffet that will eat the flesh from your bones and make you homeless and generally unpopular with employers.)

[I would proceed to cover my rear, and claim that Bernie is going to be the worst President, but....*sigh*---have I mentioned that this election cycle required several sanity rolls?]

Now, I am not sure what age group that this book is aimed at. The children seen with this book are about the size of small pumpkins---yes, I know that is completely non-helpful, but what do you expect from someone that decided to only have children with four legs and fur? Though as a completely fictitious person, I could claim to have thousands of children, and millions of fans and readers, who I generously buy Snickers bars for. I mean, you would never know because as a figment of someone's imagination, there is absolutely no chance that you will run into me at the grocery store to actually see what I buy. A million Snickers bars? A couple big bags of cat food? You don't know. It is my word as a sock versus the completely honest words of the world's greatest pickle.

This is my favorite page from C is for Cthulhu.

The book is also seen with adults, who seem like the type of people who think that it is jolly good fun to make their children make sanity rolls at an early age. And not just for witnessing the horrific illustration of Cthulhu, but also some of his friends like Shoggoth and the Black Goat of the Woods....and this kinda sounds like one of those afternoon cartoons from the 80s and 90s---Cthulhu and Friends!!!....and I really want to see it while enjoying a Scooby snack or two...well, except as a sock, I don't actually eat---I only bad-mouth the glories of guns and the greatness of the only political candidate that the Imperial Pickle approves of. (What more proof do you need that I am nothing more than just a nasty sock?! A signed affidavit written in blood and pickle juice?)

And I so want one of these!!!!

There is also some marvelous plushes of Cthulhu. My favorite is the purple one, and someone really needs to buy one for me and send it to my address--2727 Cook St. Denver, CO 80205---it does not matter that I am imaginary and only a sock---I want a toy!

What? No? What do you mean that you think that this entire post was just a trick to try to get someone to buy me a purple Cthulhu plush? Seriously, I would also accept a green or red Cthulhu plush if someone loved me enough to buy one for me. After all, it is not like you have any other imaginary friends to shop for. Buy me a toy--dammnit!!!! Don't listen to the Imperial Pickle when he says that I have been a very naughty boy and have no clue about the really important things in life. I know important things when I see them---and their name is Cthulhu plushies!

So if you really love me, head over to the C is for Cthulhu website, and buy me a plush. Or if you must, one for yourself---just don't let your kids see it because they will want to have it instead.

Trump redesigns the American flag

Oh say can you see by the glow of Trump's tan....

From the desk of the Greatest American President ever! (suck it Reagan):

Today, I give you the greatest flag in the world. It is a flag worthy of our great country, and symbolizes everything that makes America great. I designed this flag, especially for you America, because I am the best at designing flags. There is no one else in the world better at creating flags. I am the best at creating flags. And we needed a new one because the old one was designed by that fat cow, Betsy Ross, and it was a loser flag. This is a winner flag. The green stripes represent money because if you do not have money, you are not a winner. And we have so much money as a nation that we are winners. We are so winning, and have so much money, that we are tired of winning and having so much money. But what can you do? You can't give your money to poor people because they are losers, and you know that they are losers because they have no money. The black stripes represent black gold, which is better than gold gold, except for the golden signs that now decorate all the national monuments. As Americans, we send our troops everywhere to protect the precious black gold. We are so protective of black gold that we even use nukes to protect the black gold from the poor in other countries, and you know that they are losers because we nuked them to protect the black gold for the winners who have loads of black gold. The winners have so much black gold that they do not know what to do with it. And what can they do? They move here and they bring their black gold to us, and we win again. I am so sick and tired of all this winning that we are doing. And there are fifty stars that represent the fifty noble hatreds that makes America great. You know the fifty: hate those Mexican rapists and drugs, and Rosie McDonnell, and journalists, and lying Hillary, and crazy Bernie, and weak Jeb, and those militant Muslims, and Isis, I know so much about Isis, I know more about Isis than the CIA, the NSA, and all the generals in the military, and we hate them so much that we will nuke them wherever they are, if they come to New York, we will nuke New York. And the other fifty noble hatreds that Jesus trust us, and that the Supreme Court and Congress agree should be in the Constitution because I told them that they should be in the Constitution, and I am the greatest at the Constitution, I know exactly what should be in the Constitution. This flag is in the Constitution, you can look it up, along with every man, woman, and child having a gun, except for Muslims, and blacks, and the blacks are ok with it because I get along great with the blacks, the blacks love me, and the Mexicans, the Mexicans can't have guns because they are murderers and rapists. Oh, there are some good Mexicans, and they love this flag. I get along great with the American flag loving Mexicans, they love me. And there is a field of orange to remind us that our great nation, the most winning nation in the world, is founded on a great religion, a religion that I am great in, and in Cheeto-Jesus we trust---that and money and black oil. America--we are great again!!!

President-for-Life Donald Cheeto-Jesus Trump

Donald Trump--the cheeto-faced, ferret wearing shitgibbon---the only candidate worse than Cthulhu and Killer Asteroid.

[Don't like the idea of a Trump Presidency? Join us on July 4th (worldwide) to bind and hex the cheeto-faced, ferret wearing shitgibbon. Or better yet, vote for the other party!]

Can Bernie live nine more years?

While using the Google looking for memes suitable for June 8th's post...you do know what June 8th is, right?---I stumbled across this Bernie Sanders meme.

Can I live eight more years? Let's find out together. Bernie 2016.

Yes, I know it is wrong that I laughed at it. Especially because I woke up my wife.

Seriously, Bernie is not that old. Ok, yes, he would be the oldest person to ever be elected President. But he is only six years older than Hillary Clinton (who will be as old as Ronald Reagan when he took office). And yes, dear President-for-Life Trump, is 69--just an year older than Hillary.

So yes, I am supporting the oldest candidate this Presidential election season.

Cthulhu & Dagon 2016---Make America Insane Again!

Ritual Magic Manual super cheap price! (Griffin has a fire sale!)

[As many of you know, I am currently writing on a small Necronomicon satire. The other day, I wrote a section that is going to end up on the editing room floor where I had my super-Adept selling his masterpiece of an occult book for the low, low price of $666. And then this happens in real life...]

[From the desk of David Griffin...]

Dear Magician,

 

Since I released the Ritual Magic Manual eBook last week, I've been swamped with people looking for a hardbound copy of the RMM

 

All the buzz of the past week reminded me I still have a couple of copies laid away.

 

Guess what. It turns out I have precisely 7 brand new copies of the RMM for sale...

[Yadda, yadda, super magical number, super secret talisman aspect of his masterpiece...]

...Thus we see that the number of pages in my Ritual Magick Manual, 666, corresponds directly to the Planetary Seal of the Sun, the first of the Seven Seals of Golden Dawn Planetary Magick.

 

So you see, the Ritual Magic Manual is not just a book. The book itself a talisman, consecrated by me to both Venus and the Sun, which is why the numbers 7 and 666 are important to the magic of the book.

 

Are you surprised that this book has been offered to collectors in Amazon for $1,000 for over a decade now?

 

Remember, you no longer have to pay such an outrageous price to learn the Golden Dawn magic of the RMM. The ebook remains available for $49 on the Magick 101 website.

 

But for a select few collectors, I have seven copies of the deluxe hardbound first edition, available only directly from me.

[So how much are you asking for them?]

These seven unique collectors’ items are numbered 1 of 7, 2 of 7, etc. and signed by me, together with the price of this unique offer at $666 per copy.

 

Whether you are a beginner ready for the Ritual Magic Manual eBook ($49) or a collector who wants to be one of the owners of the 7 final collector’s copies of the Deluxe first edition ($666) of the RMM, you will find what you want on the Magick 101 website HERE.

 

In abundance, power, and truth,

David Griffin

[And this is the person who declared that I only advertise my wife's pottery because we need to pay the power bill. Hmmm, I wonder what bill collector he is trying to pay off.]

Shut up and take my money!

How to charge your Necronomicon

Dear Mad Uncle Morgan,

I love your book, Fifty Easy Ways to Use the Necronomicon in the Kitchen.

But I do have one question. How does one charge the Necronomicon?

Sincerely, Gullible Reader.

Illustration I.

Dear Gullible Reader,

Thank you for your review of Fifty Easy Ways to Use the Necronomicon in the Kitchen. It is a pleasure to write occult books for readers like you. Be sure to check out my next book, Aliester Crowley and the Tentacled Orgy of Marduk, coming soon to a bookstore near you.

As to your question, many intelligent and interesting people ask that question, so I am very pleased to give you an answer.

First, you need a copy of the Necronomicon for Dummies by none other than myself. Take it outside to an ecological friendly place, like your recycling bin, your yard, herb or flower graden; a vegetable garden works too. Place Necronomicon for Dummies in a sunny location, put some junk mail on top, then delicately position the Necronomicon on this pile. Admire its beauty from a distance, being sure not to disturb it while it is sun charging. Wait for it to meow before taking it back inside. (See: Illustration I.)

Oh wait, that is how to sun bathe a cat.

For the actual answer to your question, buy either my epic H. P. Lovecraft and the Nude Beach, and/or my personal favorite, The Magical Codpiece of Cthulhu; both are available from finer ebook distributors, such as Ark-Words and Kult Direct Publishing.

Your favorite writer, Mad Uncle Morgan

The Adventures of Lil Cthulhu

Here is a video making the rounds among the bloggers that I follow. It is The Adventures of Lil' Cthulhu.