Wrestling with my own mental health demons

One of my ongoing concerns with the occult community, and let’s be honest—the world in general, is what I can only view as an ongoing mental health crisis. I have joked on more than one occasion that one can hop onto any online occult forum and see more mental illness in an hour than your average mental health care professional sees in a week. I have also joked that the quickest way to be burned at the stake by other occultists is to suggest that meds are a viable option to treat some of the over-the-top behavior you see on such forums.

I am especially sensitive to the issue because of my own background. For years, I walked around being an untreated bi-polar with…well, let’s just say that the local community can provide a laundry list of other possible mental health issues that I might be suffering from—the most serious of which is that I have a tendency towards serial ax murdering. At least one person in my family also needed treatment—my dear mother was probably also bipolar with tendencies of serial ax murdering.

“Do you suffer from Bordenitis? Do you frequently sharpen hatchets? Do you get a crazed look in your eyes when you can’t handle the stupidity of other people anymore? Ask your health care professional about Anti-Liz. Side-effects can include, but are not limited to, overwhelming urge to eat the entire pan of brownies…”

I am happier while on meds. And I like to think that I am a nicer person when medicated…but I could be completely wrong about that one—even on meds, I have my intense moments. If nothing else, I am less prone to random ax murderings. Unfortunately, my meds are still not exactly right, due to the glacier speed that some health care systems operate (it took over an year from the time my regular doctor decided that maybe I should be on some meds to the issuing of the first prescription—the wheels of mental health care move extremely slow).

The fact that I am a better person on meds surprised me. During high school, my grades tanked. I went from being an A and B student to being a D and F student in the space of just a couple of months. What happened was that my father lost everything (car, house, etc.) in a business failure, and we were forced to move from Denver to Brush, Colorado. And my dear mother lost her mind.

Now, my mom was always a little crazy. But over the years, it got steadily worse. The loss of her house did not help any. The move to Brush corresponded to the start of what can only be politely described as child abuse. It is amazing how quick your grades can drop when you are forced to put babysitting your siblings above your homework, when violence is bestowed for any disobedience, and you are constantly called stupid and retarded for your failing grades.

The school district was concerned about my sudden drop in grades. They were worried that I might have suffered brain damage somehow. They had me tested. And I was not allowed to know what they were testing me for, nor were I told the results of the tests.

This lack of information on my end allowed my mother to con me into believing that the test results showed that I was completely and utterly insane. My mother told me that the only thing keeping me out of the nuthouse was her—therefore, I had to doubly please her. This is part was how she managed to turn turned me against the social worker that the school district assigned to deal with me.

One day, frustrated with my sudden hostility, the social worker asked me why I did not trust her, and I exploded, exclaiming how my mother told me that I was doomed to be locked away in a padded cell. At this point, the social worker told me the truth about what the tests revealed—they were IQ tests, and I was not crazy or retarded; I was gifted. But this threat that my mom used poisoned my attitude—from that point on, I refused to seek out any mental health care.

Over the years, I will admit that I grew steadily more unstable. Honestly, I am lucky that I have never actually knifed someone in a fit of uncontrollable rage. What finally broke my resistance to seeking out treatment was that another aspect of my mental illness almost killed me.

There is no one that knows me for longer than an hour, who does not know that I have self-destructive tendencies. But most do not catch onto the fact that my self-destructive tendencies include thoughts of suicide. A few years ago, I came awful close to taking my own life. Regular readers of this newsletter will remember a period a few years ago where my column did not appear for several months—well, I was under the influence of such a dark cloud that I was incapable of writing and was just one bad hour away from ending it all.

It is not something that I like to admit. And even today, I have those moments where this overwhelming cloud of darkness descends upon me, and I once again consider just stepping out of this body. I do my best to conceal this from my friends and loved ones.

So why am I talking about it today? Well, just ten days ago, my mother-in-law committed suicide. In her case, it was because of a tar ball of health issues, including chronic pain and lack of sleep (her doctor took away her sleeping pills over an year ago). She decided to end it all because she could just not handle the pain anymore. And as one might imagine that event has unleashed echoes of my own mental health issues.

I still wrestle with mental illness. And I know that I am not alone. I sincerely hope that someday that we as a society properly address the mental health care crisis that rots unseen in our society. And I hope that I live long enough to see it happen. Blessed be.

I am so counting this newsletter column towards my NovelRama word count.

Sympathy for Super Magician (death threats aplenty)

Every once in awhile, someone tells me that I should not be making jokes about the world's greatest living Adept and all-around-knows-everything-about-all-things-occult-sign-up-for-my-course-today and the bestest magical hero in the entire history of the world, the one and only David Griffin, proud Rosicrucian Imperator of HOGDOOROAO (or something like that--it is a really long name for an esoteric Order).

Often when I ask why, I get told:

"He gets death threats, and people are trying to kill him constantly, and you know that he must be working on the side of Light and good and evolving the human race because otherwise he won't be getting these threats, and people would not be trying to kill him!!!"

And my response tends to be--have you actually seen the death threats, or merely heard him claim that he is getting them? Have you actually been present during an assassination attempt, or merely heard him tell those tales?

Now if this cat was involved, I might believe it.

Let me be clear--this man claims to have gotten more death threats than the number of cats I own--and that is just one day's worth. And this has been going on for a decade at least--or so, he claims.

And while I understand how one might hate him, because he is such a charming man, so worthy of respect, so decent, so pure...

And I think that he is a proud fascist...

...who eagerly looks forward to killing those who disagree with him.

...I am not so sure that he is getting actual death threats.

In fact, I think that he might be the greatest writer of occult fiction alive today.

Or to be blunt, I think that he is making it all up.

For instance, look at the buildup to the latest death threat. In an act of principle, the man who encouraged talk of armed militias marching on Washington if Hillary Clinton won, has decided to protect a President who might have been put in office by Russian hackers poisoning the minds of voters, and who seems to be as unstable as my mother without meds---because a strong arm President is a good thing because of evil people trying to destroy the country, and because binding spells are black magic! And he did this by turning himself and his wife into lightning rod poppets.

And to endear himself to the magicians and witches doing the binding, he has told them that their political opinions do not matter (because Trump won...even if the Russians did poison the voter pool); and that anyone who disagrees with his political opinions that all Muslims and non-white immigrants should be arrested, jailed, and deported (even those who are citizens of the USA), that global warming is a hoax, and that America should not ever enter any treaties with any foreign governments, that Hillary Clinton and Obama should be arrested and shot, is a traitor to the United States.

Let me repeat that--if you disagree with his political views, then he considers you a traitor to the United States. 

And he looks forward to the "fascist death squads" who are going to kill the evil black magic using magicians and witches. He also looks forward to hanging these people like the traitors they are.

Welcome to Banana Republic South American Africa Stalin Era politics where speaking out against a politician makes you a traitor who is going to get shot by a death squad.

And the magical hero of the hour is the great and mighty David Griffin, proud fascist.

We know that he is a proud fascist because my latest crime is that I am an Antifa (which I had to look up to figure out what he was accusing me of)--something that sounds remarkably like saying someone is an enemy because they are against Nazis and Neo-Nazis, and other forms of strong arm governments.

And this great battle is happening on the astral plane with him guarding the Liberty Tree from those who might be using a binding spell as a way to get out a political message...because if you don't believe in the same wacky policies as he does, you are a traitor who does not deserve freedom of speech, or for that matter--life itself.

So watch: Magical Hero, Astral Liberty Tree, and Antifas.....and you get a death threat today from Astral Antifas--the strangest thing about is that the initials of which is A.A.....the same as an organization formed by a person that David Griffin considers the biggest traitor in the history of the occult.

I am sorry, but I think I see the fingerprints of a creative writer here.

If he is not outright lying and making up the death threat, then he at the very least was begging for an Astral Antifa to say, "Screw you!"

And this is a man who called a tire falling off the back of a truck an assassination attempt, despite the fact that anyone who worked near the shipping and construction industries could tell you that stuff falling off trucks driving down the road is a daily f**king occurrence.

He is also the man who insists that anyone who dares disagrees with him online is a paid troll working for the intelligence services involved in conspiracy...to destroy his Order.

Plus he purposely misread a joke a few years ago--a list of occultists-who-no-one-will-weep-over-when-they-die--as proof that the creators of the list were actually hiring assassins to bump him off.

So you think I should believe someone who keeps telling the same story over and over and over again that his life is in danger because he is the greatest occultist ever?

Well, let me buy you a hint. If someone really wanted him dead, there would be no threats; it would not be rigged to look like an accident; and it would not be done with magic. No, it was be a bomb or a rifle shot, and it would be over before he could blink.

No, what you are watching is nothing more than a string of fictitious conspiracy theories, peppered with evil black magic using traitorous liberals (oh, the horrors of liberals!!), and fake death threats from his imaginary enemies. And it is all about you giving him sympathy and applause for being such a great magician that the enemies of humanity must destroy him at all costs. Now go join his Order, and buy his course, and join his astral militia, and rub yourself all over as you get hot and steamy over being a foot solider in his great crusade to liberate you from the opinions of people who disagree with him.

Evil Antifa I am (Super magician might be a Fascist)

Let me see if I understand this correctly--I am an enemy because I am against Fascism. Why is Fascism a good thing?!? And why does this make me a worse person than the person who just implied that they are a Fascist (or at least, has no problem with their leaders being Fascists)? This sounds an awful lot like saying that someone is an enemy because they do not support Nazis and Neo-Nazis, and Stalin-era style Communism. And how the f**k is this person considered a better Rosicrucian than I am?

Seriously, he says that I am an Antifa...wait, what the hell is an Antifa?

I will admit that I had to look up the word--Antifa. Yes, that is right--I had no clue what he was saying about me...which is most of the time. Honestly, I avoid reading his stuff because it tends to make me wonder how this person has been elevated to the highest position in the Golden Dawn and the Western Mystery Traditions, including witchcraft and Wicca.

The short answer to that question is that he conned or self-appointed himself into high positions, misrepresented his contacts (puffing them up to be uber-secret-special-contacts), and used a free lawyer to try to destroy his competition. What he did--anyone could do--it just requires one to be a little bit of d**k***d.

And he claims to be able to speak for all of the Western Mystery Tradition. So just remember that He. Speaks. For. You. 

The insult of the week is Antifa.

And he says that I am an enemy of you and the entire world because I am an Antifa.

So basically, he believes that nations (and esoteric Orders and traditions, for that matter) should be ruled by ruthless people who crush their competition, can do whatever they want, and are in constant competition to destroy one another (in other words, he is all about the "winning" and does not care how much damage is done to other people and communities as long as his community is the Best and Greatest).

(No wonder he hates binding spells--how can people do whatever they like to, including all the nasty bad things, if they have restrictions imposed upon them?) 

Free trade agreements are bad. Efforts to stop global warming are bad. He was literally throwing his hands in the air, thanking Trump for making America great again. He believes that the United States is the greatest country in the world, and the rest of the world can go f**k itself.

I, on the other hand, am a global Rosicrucian--a lot of the problems I am seeing, in my opinion, require a global solution. And yes, that makes me your enemy.

Worried about other countries manufacturing your goods--encourage fair wages and working conditions in those foreign countries. Worried about refugees coming into your country--encourage better living conditions in those countries, and consider removing "strong arm" governments from having power there. Worried about climate change--well, it is going to require a global solution.

He will have none of this because all that matters is the short term Winning of the greatest country in the world, the United States of America. He does not care about the long term results and problems facing this world--because he is going to ascend into a glorious solar body while the rest of us drown in sorrows. He is checking out; he is not sticking around.

I, on the other hand, am coming back to this world. This world is my heaven and my underworld. I reincarnate. So the problems of today just grow into the problems of my future lives. Yes, you can embrace Heaven and skip away, or ascend in your glorious solar body with him, or make things so bad that the Messiah has to come to fix things. I don't have that option. Nor do I want it. I am a Wiccan, and my reward and punishment is to come back, to reincarnate in this world.

And because of that, I want things to improve here, on this world.

(I would also like to see mankind travel to and colonize other planets and solar systems, but that is a topic for another time.)

But that is wrong because...he says that it is wrong. And who are you to disobey your glorious leader? Go on goose-step with him into your glorious solar body evolution where you can watch and laugh as this planet drowns and humanity burns.

Remember that you have to hate Antifa because he might be a fascist.

(And even if I don't reincarnate--what type of person wants to keep the world in its current sad state of affairs? Or worse, is perfectly ok with making things worse? I believe that the term rhymes with E**l B*****d.)  

Super magician issues magical call to arms (lets hang those traitors)

David Griffin and his Witch Queen wife have issued a call for a magical militia to protect the freedoms that we enjoy in the United States.

Yes, that's right--you can join them and protect America freedom by meeting them at the astral Liberty Tree at midnight on July 25th.

Protect liberty for all unless...

You are a journalist--f**k you, you don't deserve freedom.

A Satanist--remember that Freedom of Religion bit in the Constitution? F**k you, you don't deserve freedom.

A witch who does not believe that the Threefold Law actually applies to you. F**k you for noticing that it is not a real karmic universal law and that you can do whatever you want to. Why are you not a slave to the rules that your witchy leaders put into the system to control you. F**k you for thinking that "harm none" applied to protecting people from a politician gone mad (and don't you dare read what the story actually says--because all witches forever and ever have honored the political rulers of the lands they live in--f**k you if you remember the teachings of Wicca and witchcraft differently than we do).

A daemonolator--f**k you for using demons for anything--and pay no attention to the lore of countless magicians and witches before you that said that demons could be used for something other than evil. (And f**k you if you seem to think that I once said that the qlippoth is the root of the Tree of Life, and that a magician had to learn to use those forces.) And f**k you if you remember that Christians turned your gods and goddesses into demons to destroy your freedom to worship the Old Gods.

Banks--f**k you for making us all wage slaves--we will get you m*****f***ers. 

Dislike Trump and what he is doing. F**k you, he is properly elected, and you don't deserve the freedom to express your dislike of him, especially if it takes the form of a binding ritual that those traitorous journalists are amused by.

Liberty for all, except these bad people!!!!

(And please ignore how we totally agreed that gun owners should march on Washington if Hillary Clinton won...because guns!! and militias!! and we are great leaders!!! Hillary deserved to be hanged because she was a liberal traitor just like you are. And we consider it act of treason if you voted for her, so f**k you.)

Yes, we will hang you someday like the traitors you are...because you are exercising freedoms that we believe you are using for evil purposes of enslaving humanity. Forget that you live in America and the Constitution says that you have a right to do these things. And don't you dare comment that once the government makes it illegal to perform black magic, that we will be burning on the stake right next to you--because we are patriots and you are traitors. How dare you exercise your freedoms without the express permission of the greatest Rosicrucian Imperator and Witch Queen to ever live.

Did we say f**k you? F**k you for pointing out our double standard on the issue of freedom. Just f**k you and your misuse of your freedoms!!!

Nice going--you scared my cat.

Why I support the ACA Obamacare (or Why do you want me dead)

For those who think that I make too big of a deal out of the GOP and Trump wanting to underdo the ACA (Obamacare): I am one of the people who goes back to not having health insurance because of a pre-existing condition where the only insurance I will be able to get will cost me more than I have ever made in the space of a year, with the deductable that is also more than I ever made in a year. So for me, it is automatic game over. But hey, it is what the American people voted for.

You have survived six months of Trump (someone hold his beer)

Congratulations America--you have survived the first six months of Trump. Only another forty-two months to go...unless 'Murica re-elects him--in which case, just another ninety months to go!!!

Keep binding the damn reality star!

Ignoring the fight over whether it is ok to have poor people dying in the gutter, and the constant chatter over how the Russians elected Trump, what has happened in the last six months?


Let's see...


Consumer and environmental protections have been weakened.


The Department of Education is perfectly ok with for-profit colleges defrauding students.


Trump is making tons of money by renting his properties to the government.


Trump has played a lot of golf.


The swamp of Washington has been restocked with gators of the exact type that Trump said Hillary would put in her administration.


Tax cuts for the rich are coming--I guarantee it.


There was fishing trip looking for three and a half million zombie voters, so that Trump could prove that he won the popular vote.


Trump has continued to whine about the Fake News actually reporting the actual words coming out of his mouth.


Trump is probably going to nuke the Middle East (probably an ally), North Korea and China before nuking all the NATO countries for non-payment of monies that are not actually owed to the USA.


The wall has suffered many design changes--I think is now going to be a solar wall with big windows, so you can see drug dealers catapulting meth into the country. In other words, Mexico is going to give Trump drugs to pay for the wall.


And Trump decided that climate change is a total hoax and that your grandma in Florida can breathe underwater.


Oh, and Twitter--oh those lovely five in the morning tweets.


So basically, we are living in a reality show and the final challenge will be "Are you willing to be a cannibal"?


And you thought that this was going to be fun?!?

Hello! Is this any way to treat your Supreme Leader?

Are you an evil witch or magician having far too much fun and who is sick all the winning? Consider taking part in the global monthly waning crescent moon ritual to bind the actions of President Donald J. Trump.



For full text of Global Binding Ritual of Trump, click here. 



Dates for future Global Bind Donald J. Trump rituals 


2017


July 21; August 19; September 18; October 17; November 16; December 16



For a full list of future Bind Trump dates, click here.

A magical sigil being used by some to bind Trump.

Love fresh off the street experts (yes I said that)

In response to someone telling people how wonderful BOTA is (so clear, so precise) and how Golden Dawn is second fiddle, and then revealed that they did not know what the Kabbalistic Cross was, never performed the Lesser Ritual of the Pentagram (earlier in the month we learned that they thought they knew the modern Big Name Experts and the modern history of Golden Dawn---but only based on the last three years), I said the following:


I always love those people who are GD experts who have not done a single ritual, a single spell, undergone a single GD initiation, nor read a single book on GD. I especially love it when people listen to them, and ignore totally what people with twenty-five years of GD experience say. The only way it gets better is when people start complaining that GD initiates don't answer questions. Why should we respond to questions when we get told over and over again that we do not understand the system that we have been working with for years and years? If anyone can walk off the street without even knowing the basics of the Golden Dawn system and expound upon it, why should us more experienced folks even bother attempting to answer questions.