Tomorrow is the June 2010 Hearthstone Community Church Open Full Moon ritual. And I still have things I have to do tonight in order to be ready for it. It is amazing how a year is not long enourgh to prepare for a public ritual.
Then again, I did not realize how this week was going to turn out. I don't think anyone in the lodge saw this week coming. Quite simply, I am mentally and emotionally exhausted at this point. I haven't felt this bad emotionally since just before I chose to break ties with my mother. I wonder if this is how hostage negotiations feel like...if so, I understand the suicide rates among cops and soldiers.
If I wasn't so emotionally exhausted, I would probably find it amusing that another run of family conflict reared its ugly head at the beginning of this week. And that would be wrong. Of course, nothing I have said and done this week has been the correct response...or at least, that is how it is going to be recorded in the family's history. I dare people to ask me why I chose to break ties with my mother.
And the next time anyone asks me why I show so little concern about the flame and witch wars that periodically flare up in the esoteric community, this week (and others like it) is going to be my answer. I have seen NOTHING in the little spits that the esoteric community throws that can compare to the scars I carry around from dealing with my own family. There are times I suspect that each and every one of the villians in the Golden Dawn community has a nasty family in their background.
Because of this week, I would like to issue an apology to each and every person who attends tomorrow's ritual. While this ritual was scheduled just over a year ago, it is going to feel like I put absolutely no thought into it. I am sorry for letting my own personal problems (they are all mine) to get in the way of the work that I am supposed to be doing.
Nevertheless, I would still like to see everyone who is in Denver at the OFM that I am leading tomorrow. After all, you can tell more about a person when they are at their worst...or at least that is what my father used to say.