Pimpslap a numpty day

Pimpslap the numpty!

Today is the most holy day in the year--it is pimpslap a numpty day. That holy day that as a good pagan witch, one looks at the most clueless mortal you know, and you just try to pimpslap some common sense in them. It is your social duty to try to improve the intelligence of the human species--if only because you have to share the planet with them. Well, at least until we turn them all into bacon.

In the case of the numpty that I want to pimpslap the most, I am not sure that it is actually possible to increase their intelligence. Why do I say this? Because I have been trying to teach them to be smarter for the last seven years. At this point, nothing less than a pimpslap to the moon is going to improve their intelligence.

The latest exchange was very special in that after school show type of way. In their efforts to make all other people as numpty as they are, they have started a series of questioning debates. They ask a question, typically one that actually has no official answer, and is actually impossible to answer without being a freaking deity. When presented with answers that agree with their opinions, they give the person a pat on the butt. When given an answer they do not like, or an answer from someone that they have tagged as an enemy, they answer the answer with THREE pages of follow-up questions for the person to answer, just to get the person to prove that they are willing to play with the numpty--by the numpty glorious rules of double standards. The numpty complains and cries when you do not play the game the way they want you to--they also whine and invite everyone that they can to their little arena, arguing that only they enjoy true honest debate...well, provided that you agree that the numpty is the most special person on the planet.

Recently, the numpty went and said, "Let's do something that no New Ager have ever done successfully before--let's define what type of magic is allowed to be cast if you are a person made up of unicorns and glitter." In my case, I stated that my position as a feared blogger speaking for the mighty Secret Chiefs that are my cats, that I was automatically condemned to give an answer that would get me convicted as a very evil magician that deserved to get burned at the stake--because even people made up of unicorns and glitter burn their enemies alive when you point out that it is ok to steal the boots from a dead man who no longer needs them. And the numpty responded by asking a dozen questions which included somehow knowing philosophy and the nature of good and evil from the viewpoint of the gods themselves. I refused to play, and chose to stay silent; after all, my ethics are situational and self-enlightened.

Then later, when the numpty was asked their own opinion, they said, "I am such a Big Giant Head that some people will automatically worship my answer, and others will condemn and burn me at the stake for giving an answer--therefore in my high numptiness, I respond with no answer at all."

When I pointed out that if I wasn't allowed to use the pre-judgment excuse to dodge follow-up questions, then they should state their honest opinion, the numpty responded with THREE more pages of questions. And a challenge to continue to try to prove that I was a bigger numpty than they were.

I am sorry--if you are so well known that you cannot give an answer for fear that people will attach additional weight to it because they know who you are, then there is no way that people will not have a bias about my answer. After all, my answer is that I am allowed to do any magic necessary to keep my cats supplied with a roof, warmth, tummy rubs, fish, and all the catnip that they can snort. I did mention that my ethics were situational and self-enlightened, didn't I? I also mentioned that I am feared blogger speaking for the true Secret Chiefs who teach the way of the true Mau, right? Good, I would hate for those facts to go unnoticed by the crazed dog-loving numpties that gathering their pitchforks and torches to burn the evil witch that dared mocked the royal numpty that leads their glittery unicorn rabble of a mob.

Therefore, we award this cute kitty pimpslap to you, all mighty and all knowing numpty chief in charge. Happy pimpslap a numpty day! You are the one that makes this day so holy to me.

Here is a pimpslap for you numpty!