Thursday, May 19, 2011

Two days until the Rapture

We are a mere 48 hours away from the scheduled Rapture. More or less.

Now, for those of you who are not raptured, let me just state upfront that I will be here on Sunday to serve you up another serving of blogicous goodness. I am not a Christian, so I am extempt from rapturing---unless God decides to punish me for the comment about his son, Jesus, being a ceremonial magician...in which case, one of my cats will take over my blogging duties.

If the rapture happens, and you are left behind, remember that Rapture Looting Day starts promptly at seven. Pagan standard time will not be honored. It is first come, first grab---the standard rule for all looting events. I am looking forward to the looting; I haven't looted anything since me and Hagar looted Rome ages ago. Medium Large, in their handy Guide to Preparing for the Rapture, says that one should wait 72 hours before one starts to loot; they also mention the fact that you need a rapture wristband. The wristband is for the rapturing, not the looting.

Not everyone believes that the rapture is going to happen like the more dedicated Christians think it is going to happen. Alex Sumner puts forth a theory that instead of being taken up into heaven, that those who are raptured will have Christ possess them. *blank look* Does this mean that Jesus will control the zombie hoarde?

Of course, one must keep an eye out on Facebook for photos that prove the rapture is starting. Because the news of the disappearances will break on Twitter and Facebook first---where else would it happen? For those who would like to follow my reporting of events, you can follow me on Twitter---because we all know that I am going to spend an hour there Saturday tweeting and retweeting the unfolding of events...unless my wife decides that I have better things to do, like laundry and dishes.

Now, like most comedians, I have made a list of the people that I would like to see raptured the most. The person at the top of my list: Sarah Palin. The second person on my list: Ann Coulter. I am still debating my third slot---I am leaning towards Trump's hairpiece.

For those parents, who will have kids who are not raptured and chose to remain here with them, there is a new parenting forum for unconvential (pagan, wiccan and occult involved) parents: Parentes Nefarii. Ok, maybe deciding that you will or will not be raptured is not an option; but given how unclear the rules are, I think that one can give it a try.

Anyway, remember to have fun on Saturday night. Loot safe, party hard, and remember to take pictures of the piles of empty clothes.

4 comments:

Naila Moon of the Grey Wolf said...

You are not right and VERY funny!
~Naila Moon

Ananael Qaa said...

Hey, a Rapture-driven Jesus zombie horde might be why the CDC is issuing instructions for surviving a zombie apocalypse so close to the scheduled day and time.

There's nothing about that idea that directly contradicts the Book of Revelation, after all. Maybe all the dead rise for the Rapture and the ungodly ones are left behind to wander the earth and eat our brains.

J.C. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Morgan Drake Eckstein said...

@Ananael---Taking the CDC actions at face-value (and ignoring the fact that they might have a sense of humor), the CDC considers the possibilty of a zombie apocalypse happening higher than the rapture occurring. One wonders why.