Tuesday, September 24, 2013

You might be an evil BNP if...

A genuine BNP.
[For the purposes of the following post, please remember that I tend to divide BNPs, BNMs and BNWs into two groups: 1) self-serving profit-greedy community-destroying evil ones; and 2) community-serving non-profit group-building good ones. In this post, I am talking about the worst qualities of the evil BNPs, BNMs and BNWs--though in all honesty, the good ones sometimes also indulge in these behaviors much to the irk of the esoteric community.]

You might be an evil BNP (Big Name Pagan), evil BNM (Big Name Magician), or evil BNW (Big Name Witch) if...

1)...you are instantly upset before reading the rest of this post.

2)...you brag about being on talk shows or an advisor to media companies.

3)...you have your own 1-800 number.

4)...you have minions [especially worrisome are sock puppets and dedicated defenders of your work].

5)...you brag about having the biggest group/most readers/most advanced students/most advanced teachings/a lineage that goes back to pre-Adam times.

6)...you launch lawyers at people for offenses unworthy of actual notice.

7)...all your profile pictures are glamour shots.

8)...you believe that you are always right, that you can say any damn fool thing you want, and that other people do not have the right to correct you [because only trolls and flamers claim that you are wrong].

9)...no one remembers the last time you said "I was wrong" or "I do not know the answer to the question."

10)...if you claim to be a living god, sole heir to a super secret esoteric tradition, a 113th degree in a system none of us know a thing about, a genius, or the upmost authority in a field of knowledge without a strong academic background in that field. [By "strong" I mean, would someone at an university consider you an actual authority.]

11)...you use the words "celebrity," "world famous," and/or "authorized representative of Tradition XYZ" to describe yourself.

12)...you own more than one trademark, business, or product line.

13)...you claim to personally bless the items that you sell.

14)...you claim to be able to lift the nasty curse that my ancestors had cast upon them.

15)...your website costs more per day than my entire monthly soda and cat food bill.

16)...you worry so much about people stealing your ideas that people have to sign non-disclosure agreements to access any of your lessons.

17)...you could pay my mortgage payment with the amount of money you earn with your speaking fees alone.

18)...national book clubs carry your books, CDs and videos.

19)...people outside of the esoteric community recognize your name.

20)...your esoteric writing actually makes you more money than a burger flipping job would.

21)...you are involved in most of the conflicts in your respective community because you either created the problem or you volunteered to fix the problem.

22)...you are on several councils and boards that have never actually seen you show up at a meeting.

23)...the spiritual and magical accomplishments, Grades and Degrees that you claim to have obtained could fill a small phone book.

24)...you insist on being the center of attention, and require star billing and an fee just to attend an event.

25)...you have already hand-picked your successor, but reserve the right to change your mind just in case they go nuts and/or try to become a BNP/BNM/BNW themselves.

26)...people fight to be able to kiss your ring.

27)...you are offended by this post because it perfectly describes you.


Donald Michael Kraig said...

As a living god, sole heir to the super-secret 25,000 year old, esoteric Humina Humina®©™ tradition, a 113.14159265th degree in a system none of us knows a thing about until we reach that level, a genius, and the upmost authority in a field of knowledge without a strong academic background in that field, I resent your implication!

April said...

But...but I deserve minions!

Frater.Barrabbas said...

Totally hilarious - only my cat Jynx would fit most of these scenarios, though. He actually has ghost written some of my blogs and sections of my books - it's hard to live with him sometimes.

S. J. Reisner || Audrey Brice || S. Connolly said...

I can't believe I missed this post. I think my dreams of being an BNM have been dashed. I think I can only say yes to a couple of these. Yes, I have a few minions -- but they STILL won't do my laundry! :P