Why should a magician study astrology?

Why should magicians and witches study astrology? Because it is damn useful if you are working with either practical magic or spiritual development.

Now if you believe that rocks, bits of ice, and hot balls of super-heated gas have no effect upon you, then you can skip the rest of this and safely leave astrology out of your studies....because nothing I say will convince you otherwise.

And there are a lot of people who are just looking for an excuse, so that they do not need to study astrology. After all, astrology is complicated enough that you can spend an entire lifetime studying it; and who has that amount of time when you are busy trying to knife your way to the top of the food chain? Won't it just be better to study some form of chaotic new age woo woo that does not give any credit to the whole astrological nonsense?

And if you can reproduce the effects of astrological magic without resorting to the use of astrological magic, then good for you. Go forth with your bad-ass chaotic new age woo woo-ist self.

But some of us find that astrological based magic works pretty well.

There are two underlying assumptions beneath astrological magic. One is that the universe was set in motion by a divine force, and that there is a plan for the universe with the planets and stars being hands on a cosmic clock enabling one to figure out the current state of the universe and the people who inhabit it. The second assumption is that the celestial bodies are the bodies of supernatural intelligences who can influence events on Earth.

As such, a study of astrology will boost the effects of any magic cast at the right time and place, the act being imbued with the time stamp of the celestial bodies present in that moment. In other words, the moment that a spell is cast colors the spell, just like your birth moment colors your personality and potential.

And with the right techniques, one can overcome the effects of one's birth-chart with magic. For an instance, a person born under a sun in Virgo can over time become more like a person who was born under a Leo sun---if the magician desired such a change. And someone who had a crippled moon in a water sign could lessen the effect that transits of the moon had on one's daily emotions and reactions.

Now, it should be noted that such changes do happen naturally, but the changes come slowly and only work in one direction as one birth-chart progresses forward. The magician does not have to accept this snail-pace of change. A magician can override this slow gradual development and choose to be a product of an early century if they feel like putting in the work. Or a much later century. One should note that such a grand working would make it harder to interact and understand those of this century, but great mages are never concerned with the real world because of their unique nature and need to be greater than the drooling mass of humanity that surrounds them.

The basic way of working with astrological magic is though symbols. For instance, the fixed stars are associated by tradition with powers and entities, who in turn are associated with names, which are composed of magical alphabets and magical images. By using the images, one can use the forces of the energies of the celestial entity to work change in oneself and the world.

For those who are curious of what such symbols would look like, just take a look at the cards of a Tarot deck. Thanks to a great magus in the past, the stars are connected with the Hebrew alphabet, which in turn is associated with the Tarot cards. This is why one can both study astrology with a Tarot deck, as well as perform magic with a deck of cards.

So yes, the study of astrology is a long and hard process, but there are reasons to undertake it if you are a witch or magician. Bottom line: it is damn useful.

House of Bast art studio open house (July 23 & 24)

If you are in Denver, Colorado this weekend, we are having another art studio open house. Come pet Studio Kitty. Touch some pottery before you buy it. Get a free pottery lesson (Saturday 1 pm to 5 pm only). Marvel at the thistle in Mad Uncle Morgan's garden.

Khari's Wiccan Treasures & Celtic Soul Jewelry and Pottery (House of Bast art studio open house event): July 23 & 24, 2016---located at 2727 Cook St. Denver, CO 80205 (the studio is at the back of the lot along the alley)---from 1 pm to 7 pm both days.

Some of the pottery that is available for purchase.

Obama has a time machine (the shocking proof)

At the Republican National Convention tonight, the lovely and super intelligent wife of the greatest President-to-be, Melania Trump gave a great speech. A speech that she and a political writer spent five weeks working on. And it was such a good speech, so perfect for helping one's husband get elected that Michelle Obama stole it and went back in time, using the super secret Presidential time machine, and gave the speech herself eight years ago. That is right, the Obama have access to a time machine and they are using it to make Melania Trump look like a word thief.

Totally false, Melania Trump did it much better than that ugly black girl did.

Yes, what more proof do you need that the Obama and his wife are completely evil, and that only the great and honorable Donald Trump can save us from them? What are they going to do next? Go back in time and prevent the Twenty-second Amendment from being ratified? It could happen. After all, we all know that Obama wants to have a third term as President, and if he could get elected for a third term that would remove the need to declare martial law and take away all your guns. Though he will still come for your guns because it is super-fun, but it is even better if he is already President-for-Life.

(The XXII Amendment is the nasty one that says you are only allowed to serve two terms as President. And it is a bigger problem for Obama than Trump. After all, much of the United States has been nuked by atomic weapons in the Great Mexican Muslim Rebellion by the time it comes time for Trump to get elected for a third term--by that point, the Constitution has been voted out of existence by a fanatic Congress who sees Trump as their only hope. Read your future history books people!)

So here we have the shocking proof that Obama is testing a time machine to wreck havoc on our country. How very Muslim of him!

See Michelle Obama copied Melania Trump's exact words.

And you know that it is true because there is no way that Donald Trump and his wife, Melania, would ever steal anything from Obama. It has to be Obama and his wife who are the guilty parties here.

And if you think that there might be some chance of Melania could be the guilty one---how dare you! She is a beautiful white gal with a charming accent. There is no way that she would do such an evil deed. It has to be the black woman and her husband. You know it deep in your honest Republican bones. So quick, go get your guns---you need to rush to the White House and capture that time machine before Obama goes back in time and causes the South to lose the Civil War.

C is for Cthulhu

As someone who writes about Cthulhu...ok, pretends to write about Cthulhu (because we all know that I only pretend to exist and to be a writer to disguise the fact that I am really a hideous trolly sock invented by my friend, eh master, or is that mistress?...hand?...foot? [I am so confused], invented by the marvelous Ms. Mitzy for the sole purpose of annoying the Imperial Pickle), as such an imposter, I try to keep my eye(s) open for new and exciting Cthulhu stories and products.

And one such item that I have stumbled upon is a children board book called C is for Cthulhu (The Lovecraft Alphabet Book) written by Jason Ciaramella with artwork done by Greg Murphy.


Yes, a whole book with big letters, and cute eldritch pictures of things that will cause you to lose your sanity someday. After all, someone has to teach the little ones that are things in the universe that will wake up when the stars are right, and end us all....unfortunately, probably not until some time after Trump starts his third term and when only white folks with loaded assault rifles and absolutely no fresh produce remain in 'Murica. C'mon Cthulhu (or Killer Asteroid)--let get this show on the road and save us from the far worse insanity that the next great worst President will bring.

(And if you fear Hillary...yeah, she too will be the very worst thing to happen to the United States. And Cthulhu is not going to show up until after the big bank buffet that will eat the flesh from your bones and make you homeless and generally unpopular with employers.)

[I would proceed to cover my rear, and claim that Bernie is going to be the worst President, but....*sigh*---have I mentioned that this election cycle required several sanity rolls?]

Now, I am not sure what age group that this book is aimed at. The children seen with this book are about the size of small pumpkins---yes, I know that is completely non-helpful, but what do you expect from someone that decided to only have children with four legs and fur? Though as a completely fictitious person, I could claim to have thousands of children, and millions of fans and readers, who I generously buy Snickers bars for. I mean, you would never know because as a figment of someone's imagination, there is absolutely no chance that you will run into me at the grocery store to actually see what I buy. A million Snickers bars? A couple big bags of cat food? You don't know. It is my word as a sock versus the completely honest words of the world's greatest pickle.

This is my favorite page from C is for Cthulhu.

The book is also seen with adults, who seem like the type of people who think that it is jolly good fun to make their children make sanity rolls at an early age. And not just for witnessing the horrific illustration of Cthulhu, but also some of his friends like Shoggoth and the Black Goat of the Woods....and this kinda sounds like one of those afternoon cartoons from the 80s and 90s---Cthulhu and Friends!!!....and I really want to see it while enjoying a Scooby snack or two...well, except as a sock, I don't actually eat---I only bad-mouth the glories of guns and the greatness of the only political candidate that the Imperial Pickle approves of. (What more proof do you need that I am nothing more than just a nasty sock?! A signed affidavit written in blood and pickle juice?)

And I so want one of these!!!!

There is also some marvelous plushes of Cthulhu. My favorite is the purple one, and someone really needs to buy one for me and send it to my address--2727 Cook St. Denver, CO 80205---it does not matter that I am imaginary and only a sock---I want a toy!

What? No? What do you mean that you think that this entire post was just a trick to try to get someone to buy me a purple Cthulhu plush? Seriously, I would also accept a green or red Cthulhu plush if someone loved me enough to buy one for me. After all, it is not like you have any other imaginary friends to shop for. Buy me a toy--dammnit!!!! Don't listen to the Imperial Pickle when he says that I have been a very naughty boy and have no clue about the really important things in life. I know important things when I see them---and their name is Cthulhu plushies!

So if you really love me, head over to the C is for Cthulhu website, and buy me a plush. Or if you must, one for yourself---just don't let your kids see it because they will want to have it instead.

Second Annual Raise Your Wands Gun Week!

In light of the fact that we are suffering reruns of terror and violence, soon to be followed by calls that More Guns!! will make everything better, it is now time for me to run a rerun in response. Enjoy.

For the person who believes that I should not be stirring up trouble.

Raise Your Wands Gun Week!

Guest lecture: Dr. Evil

Sponsored by Gun TV

Kitchen Sink says, "The answer is More Guns!"

Hog Dee says: "Guns make you safe!"

When: Any day in 'Merica

Where: First place Mars Attacks!

Please join us in our worldwide magic spell to end gun violence by invoking the great god Elohim Gibor, and forcing the governments of the world to give every man, woman, child, and unborn fetus, an assault weapon and a million rounds of ammo.

Remember only a Magician with a Gun can prevent a Muggle from shooting Sitting Ducks.

[MDE 2015]

Your gun is perfectly safe (so shut the f*** up)

For all you gun nuts and Second Amendment fetishers, shut the f*** up. The government is not going to come and take your precious p***** substitutes away. President Obama is not going to declare martial law and become President-for-Life (Trump does that on September 2024--read your future history books people!). Your guns are perfectly safe, and you can buy hundreds and thousands more of them and stockpile them in some strange Satanic Waco James Town cache along with the cherry Kool-Aid that you love so much.

And yes, I know that I should not be talking about guns, and gun control, because we are still fresh from the latest gun violence mass shooting tragedy. By that social custom, because there is a mass shooting event every week, we are never allowed to talk about gun control.

And if I am not allowed to talk about guns, you should not be allowed to talk about guns either.

I think that the media should just shut the f*** up about gun violence. The media should talk about guns, and their associated violence, for just five minutes a day. No more! Why? Because we are not going to do anything about it, so there is no point in talking about it anymore. So just shut the f*** up!

You wanna know why I know that we are never going to do anything about guns?

Five words. Sandy Hook--twenty kids dead.

If the death of twenty kids was not enough to enact meaningful gun control, there is not a tragedy large enough to make it happen. It does not matter how many people you shoot, or why, or who---none of it matters because good ol' Murica has decided that guns are more important than children. Don't believe me--just Google the number of toddlers who have shot someone this year, including themselves on occasion.

It does not matter if it is whites, blacks, Mexicans, Muslims, Christians, Jews, police, Presidents, or little green reptiles wearing human body flesh suits. If twenty children was not enough, no gun violence event is ever going to be big enough to move the NRA brought politicians into angering their reptilian masters.

So quit stirring up fear and go back to your secret room where you are planning the overthrow of the United States government, the murder of your ex-wife, and every f***ing coworker that flipped you off. Your guns are perfectly safe, and you can shoot anyone you want right in the face anytime you want to.

Oh look how large your p**** is! I just want to make love to you right now you sexy mass shooter.

Failing to be inspirational (reaction to recent shootings including Boston)

As anyone who has watched the news lately, or has browsed the internet, can tell you, there has been a lot of violence and tragedy lately. It seems like not a day goes by without some storm destroying homes, or people running amok with guns, or someone suffering unbearable economic misfortune. And one is given a choice between sharing the misery, or trying to remain positive. The correct answer I have been told is to remain positive.

Being part of the clergy, well sort of, and being an esoteric teacher, well sort of, I feel that not only do I have to remain positive, I have to say inspirational, enlightening, and quite possibly instructional things about the tragedies that are happening. It is my duty to point out how we can use tragic events to evolve the human species, and ourselves, into a better and gentler race. Or at least, this is what social programming tells me that I should be doing, given those pieces of paper that I keep buried deep in a drawer.

Honestly, I fail miserably when it comes to saying inspirational stuff. There is a part of me, the same part that understands those chaotic gods of evil that color most of the world’s mythology, that screams “Poppycock!” and other less printable obscenities whenever I watch someone saying how tragedy makes us stronger, and how humanity will grow out of our barbarism and weakness, evolving into a more angelic species, fit to be the crown jewel of creation.

To say that I have a low opinion of human potential and an inherent distrust of the universe would be a slight understatement. I naturally assume that humans are generally selfish evil wild animals who have learned to use tools, and that the universe could end our species in a heartbeat if the dice fall wrong on any given day. Let’s be honest; my world view is not the most pleasant one around; in fact, a serial ax murderer would probably have a more positive outlook than I do.

Still I try to keep in good spirits, seeing the humorous side of life. After all, just because the universe is a dangerous place, fraught with peril, and one belongs to a species that make the need to populate the universe with demons rather redundant, there is no reason to walk around constantly depressed. I may be a cynic, but I am a happy cynic.

And while I may not have anything particularly positive or inspirational to say, I can keep my corner of the internet reasonably nice to wander into. For on those really depressing days, I can promise myself that I will share two cute cat memes for every bad piece of news that I share. Three or four cat memes to every piece of bad news if I find that even I cannot bear the darkness and gloominess of the news. After all, it is the least I can do to amuse myself. I may not be able to inspire others; but at least, I can amuse myself.

The original #nolivesmatter crowd.

Catnip is expensive---say thank you if a stranger offers you some.

Opinions about the latest tragedy? Denver Witch Quarterly is looking for editorials for the next issue.