Witchcraft starter kit (31 Days of Halloween Kitties Day 21 Year 3)

Just add a cat and you are a witch!

Today, we can joke about this--just have a black cat and you are a witch. But that has not always been a joke, it seems (based on the reading I have done) that owning a cat during the Middle Ages was enough to get you labeled as a witch. Sad, it was. Nowadays, owning a cat, or a dozen, will generally just mean that you are a crazy cat lady/man who posts a lot of cats pictures on Facebook.

Cthulhu oh gee (31-HP Day 21)

I am Cthulhu
Oh gee, I am
Large and green
Crushing buildings
Sinking boats
Stomping humans
Long before
That other guy

Oh gee, I am
Sleeping beneath
The wide Pacific.
Radioactive breath
I need not.
Broadcast madness
Fill the asylums
In my sleep

Throw planes at me
I eat them
Tanks make nice shoes
Atomic weapons
Make me laugh
I am an Elder God
An Old One
Not some young upstart

Cthulhu I am
The original bad
You are insignificant
For I am
Cthulhu oh gee
The original Godzilla
Accept no substitutes
Not even in Japan

Cats disguised as household items (31 Days of Halloween Kitties Day 20 Year 3)

Yes, random necessities can kill you.  

You are being watched. Your psychopath of a cat has disguised itself as one of the things in your house. Perhaps as you toilet paper, perhaps as your paper towels, perhaps as your favorite sweater. And your cat waits, knowing that sooner or later, you have to use the basic necessities and then, gottacha!!!

Beware that the toilet paper and paper towels are plotting against you.

But don't worry--karma is a funny gal. Occasionally, the feared psychocat gets what they deserve and their carefully planned trap gets them instead. Laugh at the cat trapped in the paper bag while you can, for cats have nine lives and know where you sleep.

Occasionally the paper bag wins.

Today's miracle index (31-HP Day 20)

Chances of rapture occurring
Same as Ragnarok today
Chances of raining bacon
One in egg-zillion

Hell becoming colder
Than a witch's tit
About the same
As Nifelhelm warming up
To a tepid cup of tea

Politicians getting along
And doing their jobs
What exactly are politicians
Supposed to be doing anyways?

Odds of raining frogs
And seas of boiling blood
Equal to California sinking
And Atlantis rising upwards

Jewish messiah knocking
At thy door unlikely
As is the odd chance
That an UFO will land
And find intelligent life

As for me finishing
That damn overdue article
And sending it to the editor
The chances of that
Are equally dim today

Colonel Meow (31 Days of Halloween Kitties Day 19 Year 3)

Colonel Meow is a scary looking cat.

I like Colonel Meow. Not only is he a distinguished looking cat...ok, slightly scary looking cat--he is also a world famous rescue. Yes, Colonel Meow started off as a rescue. His human, Anne Marie Avey, adopted him from a Seattle Washington chapter of the Himalayan and Persian Society in 2011. I have seen some of the shelter pictures of Colonel Meow, and he was in bad shape when he arrived. Since being rescued he has gone onto internet fame, and even been in a cell-phone commercial. And best of all, you can be one of his minions on Face book.

My funny voice (31-HP Day 19)

[Please note that after twelve years of speech therapy, I still have problems pronouncing certain words correctly.]

Speak funny
You say I do
Mocking how I talk

Am I retarded?
Brain damaged?
Unworthy of being heard?

My voice an excuse
And ready target
For your abuse

Shame should make
Me quiet as a mouse
Sorry to disappoint

I roar and thunder
An opinionated troll
With a standing soapbox

Ignore my voice
I use my pen
Full of poison ink

My voice enables
I am the jester
And the howling lunatic

I stand in
The center of attention
Hogging the spotlight

Yes, I speak funny
So did my grandparents
Their mouths full of Yiddish

[And for those of my readers, who have never heard my speaking voice, I present the following video.]

What scary tales do cats tell one another (31 Days of Halloween Kitties Day 18 Year 3)

Kitties tell scary Halloween stories to one another.

Occasionally, I wonder what type of stories that cats would tell to one another. I imagine their stories are very different than ours. For instance, take the idea of the rapture--that magical moment when all the good Christians are taken up directly into heaven...leaving their cats behind. From a cat's viewpoint, this is a major disaster (and not desired at all)--for this is a significant drop in the number of people capable of operating the can opener--some cats could starve to death if the rapture actually occurred. By this token, one can understand why some Christians believe that all cats are Satanists (not true, they are children of Bast, an Ancient Egyptian goddess...therefore, they are New Agers at worst), and why cats insist on pooping in their shoes.

Most of the ghosts that I hear in the house are actually just the cats.