Saturday, May 31, 2014

Beta blockers, depression and me

Some of my regular readers might have noticed that I have been quiet this last month--and not only here, but everywhere, including Facebook and my other blogs and Twitter, and just everywhere. The reason for the silence was that I spent a month living like a zombie, as in my doctor decided to put me on a beta blocker (propranolol). Turns out that I am sensentive to beta blockers--I went from borderline high blood pressure and heartbeat to borderline dangerously low heartbeat and blood pressure...and the damn stuff didn't help prevent the condition that the doctor wanted to try me out on it for--I still got migraines; in fact, certain triggers were a hundred percent surefire ways to suffer (unlike the previous unmedicated coinflip).

Of course, the worst part of it was that getting up in the morning was a chore in itself. One should not get out of breath getting up in the morning. And as my energy levels dropped like a rock, my depression decided to rear its ugly head. I was too tired to even think about doing magic, not alone actually summoning up the energy to attempt to do magic to crawl out of my depression. 

For those who are curious, I am on a waiting list--still have a month and three weeks to go, then I get to see a mental health care specialist and hopefully get to take a fistful of happy pills everyday. (I was put on the waiting list two months ago.)

Along with my depression came the thoughts of ending it all, the part that I am going to pound when I finally do see the mental health care specialist (and no, I do not know how to locate the actual word in the dictionary, not alone properly spell it, and for some reason spellcheck is completely off on this particular web browser). My wife says that I did not smile for a month, which sounds about right. 

The doctor took me off of the beta blocker on Wednesday, and I still feel like crap...but at least I feel like I am improving and can go for more than ten minutes without having to take a rest. And hopefully, I can keep my energy and mood up long enourgh to see the mental health care specialist, and get a big fistful of happy pills. 

And if you would like to light a candle and say a helpful prayer for my mental health, I will gladly accept it. Harmful prayers will be returned to their senders by the automatic wards set around my house. 


Unknown said...

It's not you who needs to heal. It's society which needs to heal. Meanwhile create your own "society":

“Each man must create his own system or else he is a slave to another mans” ― William Blake

All easier said than done, I know. In any case.. I wish you a lot of strength and only the best..

(P.s. Stay away from those meds. Unless you fancy Spiritual castration.)

ccaton said...

I really feel for you, Morgan. I can't believe you've been on a waiting list for so long given what you are experiencing. I hope that you are receiving better care now. Depression is a fucker, but your physical symptoms make it even worse. x

ccaton said...

I really feel for you, Morgan. I can't believe you have been on a waiting list for so long, given your symptoms. Depression is a fucker but your physical issues just compound the situation. The Higher has not left you - know that you will come out the other side stronger. x