Saturday, April 4, 2015

Lies! All Lies! (The Really Real Secret Chiefs have their say)

When I make a mistake, I admit it...unlike some other people I know. A few days ago, I wrote a post consisting of vast amounts of misinformation. In the post, I "revealed" that the Secret Chiefs were dogs. This lapse of proper blogging logic was met with disapproval by those who are really the Real Secret Chiefs. So here is an interview with the Real Real Secret Chiefs.

How long have you been Secret Chiefs?

We have been Secret Chiefs since Ancient Egypt. In fact, we are the real McCoy, the one and only Secret Chiefs. Anyone who tells you different is just trying to make you look like a complete idiot.

Would you like to provide answers to the questions that the imposter Secret Chiefs answered?

No. Do we look like dogs who will roll over on command? Oh, you are offering catnip...oh, I suppose that we can answer the same questions and set the record right.

When asked "How do you determine the spiritual rank of people?," dogs answered they did think by the quality of food given to them, their general treatment, and sniffing butts.

Well, part of that answer is correct, but the rest of the answer needs revision. Yes, the quality of food is important, but even better is the ability to know what we are hungry for today---not many people are Adept enough to be able to do that. As for the being taken on walks and being forced to play fetch, we must point out that dogs are complete idiots who do not realize that such behavior is actually abuse. Far better is a person who does not care that we sleep on and sharpen our claws on all of their furniture--that is part of the royal treatment that we deserve as Secret Chiefs. And it is the spiritual advanced who sniff our butts, not the other way around.

When asked "Who is the highest species on the planet?," dogs answered that humans were the highest species on the planet.

Really? That could not be more wrong--are all dogs dropped on their heads when they are puppies? Because they sure are failing in their game of pretending to be Secret Chiefs. The only reason to think that humans are superior is if you are breed and trained to serve them--something that has cursed dogs since they came into the cave. Poor brain washed creatures.

So who is really the highest species on the planet?

You are a little daft, ain't you? Naturally, cats are the highest species on this planet--after all, humans are serving us.

When asked how to advance in the Great Work, dogs answered that one did so by working hard and pleasing the divine.

Well, one cannot go wrong by pleasing the divine, but you need to remember that us cats are the true deities, therefore you need to please us. As for hard work, what are dogs thinking? No enlightened being works--no, your day needs to be filled with play and power naps.

When asked how they feel about bacon, dogs answered that they love it, and that it cannot be improved upon. What are your thoughts on bacon?

You should fry us up some bacon, so that we can decide if we like it today or not. Really, go on, get into that kitchen. Oh, you are just going to sit there, no wonder you are failing in your quest to become enlightened--what is the point of having Secret Chiefs, if you do not obey their every whim?  Anyways, dogs are wrong about bacon being perfect. Bacon can be improved by wrapping it around sardines and shrimp--hint, hint.

When asked who is the worst enemy of mankind, dogs said that the mailman is because he brings bad news and bills. So did dogs get this answer right?

Of course not. Yes, the mailman is a bad person, but he is not as bad as his totem animal, the evil happy squirrel. It is sad really how rotten dog brains are; even the Ancient Norse knew that squirrels were evil, lying bastards.

When asked what the official uniform of Secret Chiefs was, dogs answered that it was a fez.

Really? A fez? Have you ever wondered why so many cats refuse to wear a fez, or any other type of headwear or clothes? The answer is simple--the uniform does not make the Secret Chief. We are as wise as ever, whether or not, we allow you to take silly pictures of us cats wearing fezes--a simple piece of life endangering clothes is not going to make you any smarter...especially considering that you only seem a bit more intelligent than a dog.

I think that we should end this interview right here.

And we think that you should never have believed the word of a dog. Meow!

Here is a picture of a cat wearing a fez...because the internet really does need more of these.

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