Monday, October 3, 2016

Rich people are good (apologies to rich people for saying otherwise)

Earlier today, I shared a political cartoon of Trump standing on a pillar and pissing on a person of the middle class. And I said, that...

Having worked for people with money, and having seen first-hand how they treat their employees, I can firmly state that giving the rich more money does not create jobs for anyone else.

To which, someone pointed out that this is an unfair generalization, and that I should be ashamed of myself for implying that rich people make bad employers and that giving more money to the rich will not create any more wealth, or jobs, or happiness for the middle class.

So in the way of an apology, here is a long-ass philosophical argument that proves that you should not listen to me, and should always assume that the rich are great and wonderful people who are much better than you are because they have more money than you do---and that is the only sign that you need to gauge someone's goodness is plain simple money stacked up to the ceiling.

Let's begin...

So basically, we should assume that only the best rich people are getting the tax breaks, and continue doing as we have been doing because any evidence to the contrary is an insult to the occasional good rich person. We should also assume that the only bad rich people are the ones that I have personally encountered, and that none of the rest of them are bad at all, despite any mathematical based economic data that indicates that there has to be far more bad ones than just the ones that I can personally account for, and which seems to indicate that on the average, rich people must be a bunch of greedy bastards, because well, we don't want to create an unfair socialist law that will hurt the good rich people who are less able to survive the additional financial burden than the poor people that the few bad rich people do abuse, all of which are accounted for by my own personal experience. And with this much better generalization, one that says that the only bad rich people are the ones that come in contract with me and me alone, we can safely vote for SOMERICHGUYORLADY 2016 who will wisely have me shot at dawn because it will remove the bad rich person curse from the world, and everyone, other than me, who should be dead because I keep encountering bad rich people, will be much better off and live happily ever after using the economic principle that only rich people create jobs.

And that is why I hate economic philosophy and Republican Jesus---because the equations and assumptions that people are generally good, and all the bad ones somehow the result of my presence in the universe, always end up with me having to die to make the universe an economically fair place.

 Of course, I am one of those evil people who believe that the health of our economy actually requires average (not rich) people having more money to spend, which creates a demand for new jobs to fill the need to make products and provide services, which in turn...well, let's just say that my theory says that it is better for your average person to have more money than a rich person being able to afford a bigger yacht.
But then again, we do know for a fact, because we have been told by good rich people, that the only reason that poor people are poor is that they are simply just too damn lazy and are not willing to work for less money. Of course, I am making the assumption here that Trump is actually a good rich person and that the slim economic data that we have on him is completely misleading. But given that I am poor and he is rich, we know that I must be wrong about him, and therefore, he is completely right in saying that the minimum wage is too high already, and that it needs to be dialed back in order for the true job creators, the filthy rich, can create more jobs.

One should also ignore any evidence that seems to indicate that rich people like to hoard money and hide it offshore because in truth, it is unfair to expect rich people to pay their fair share of taxes, leaving the entire tax burden on those who are not wholesome enough to move their money out of the United States. After all, poor people are used to being poor, and if they were better at working harder than they too would have the money, and the moral obligation to hide their money offshore. We should not punish good rich people, just because the evidence says that the average rich person has less morals than Scrooge McDuck.

And reading this, I realize that it is really sad that I chose to be a literary critic and historian, with only a minor interest in protecting rich people, because based on what I just wrote, I would be brilliant at proving that rich people are good, and that all the evil people in the world are poor.

 Hell, I would have made a great spokesperson for Trump.

So dear rich people, I am so sorry that I have accused you of being evil, just because I have had the misfortune in running into the only evil/bad rich people in America. But I am still going to do my best to avoid the righteous firing squad because I am an evil poor person who does not care about how unfortunate it is for you to be rich, and the fact that I keep creating anomalies that indicate that rich people are selfish bastards.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

I can't read all of this because it hurts too much, but your fourth paragraph had me cracking up so hard. And now I will go explore more of your blog!