Why Trump is going to win (be happy)

As we approach the end of the longest election cycle in human history, people are slowly losing their minds that the best person for the job of President of the United States, and the inspiration for all the bad things that happen in the world, might not be won by the best person for the job.

But never fear, the best person for the job will win, and America will finally have the President that it deserves in this day and age. Yes, that is right--Donald Trump is going to win.

And how do we know this? Though the sacred art of Evil Writer Fortune Telling (totally trademarked, I tell you). The basic principle of Evil Writer Fortune Telling is to go with the most interesting option. And in this election, there is only one interesting option, and that is Donald Trump.

For instance, who is the only candidate who will gladly, and without warning, nuke an entire Middle Eastern city off the face of the Earth to cripple the leadership of ISIL? That's right, Donald Trump. Unlike those whiny "humans have the right not to glow in the dark" liberals and peaceniks, Trump knows that the entire world will sit up and take notice when a giant radioactive crater is created in the Middle East. Think of the viewers; think of the commercial possibilities (Get your Lead Radiation Screen right here, a steal for a mere thousand dollars a tube! New from a company proudly owned by the President.); think of how you, the humble audience member will eagerly follow the news, and bet on what the next city that will be nuked into extinction. (Detroit looks like a good one; Flint is definitely a possibility; any city in China or Mexico---Vegas will love Trump as a President.) And can you get this level of interest with any of the other possibilities? No, only Trump will provide this level of entertainment for the world.

And just look at the exciting possibilities of using the Constitution as toilet paper. With a stroke of a pen, Trump will cross out that annoying bit in the Constitution about birth-right citizenship. Suddenly everyone is eligible for deportation, baths at the end of a fire hose, the forced watching of people melting from radiation exposure. It does not matter if your parents are illegal immigrants and you being an anchor baby, or if your ancestors fought in the good war against that evil English king, everyone loses their citizenship. What country are you going to be deported to? Who knows--but it will be interesting, you will pay attention to the news and fear those interesting SWAT and Department of Cool Deportation trucks rolling down the street.

Plus mass shooting and terrorism will become more interesting, and we all know that the problem with mass shootings and terrorism is that it is so boring. But not anymore, for Trump will issue everyone, including my dear grandmother, a gun and send them out into the streets to hunt down the next terrorist and mass shooter. You will have a personal interest, and you can't get any more interesting than a personal interest, in finding that killer before they find you. Just remember that there are three terrorists living in your neighborhood, and they could be anyone (lesbians, Mexicans, blacks, Muslims, witches, the neighbor with the barking dogs), so make sure that you shoot them before they blow you up using bombs disguised as cupcakes.

Trump can even make economics interesting. The newest game show will be Who Will Be Replaced By a Robot today?! Yes, that is right, Trump will close the borders, forcing employers to create jobs for super-cheap working robots. There will be none of this nonsense with unemployment figures because everyone will be unemployed. Plus Trump will fix all the budget problems by eliminating all government welfare and health programs. You will thrill to the possibilities of starving to death, or being eaten by unemployed cannibals. And what could be more interesting than unemployed cannibals? I don't know; but Trump is sure to think of it, and you know that you are so interested in knowing the answer that you are going to vote for Trump.

You are going to vote for Trump! And you are going to vote for Trump! And you are going to vote for Trump! Everyone is going to vote for Trump! That's right, no one else is going to vote for anyone else because to do so would be voter fraud; and let's be honest, voter fraud is so boring. And it would be so boring to vote for Hillary or Jill or that crazy guy with the boot on his head--none of them will do the interesting things that Trump will do.

Remember as an American voter, you have the right to vote for the candidate that will make your life the most interesting, and that is Trump!

[And if you don't think that "interesting" is a good measure of who is going to win, just look at the other candidates that Trump was chosen over, including boring Jeb Bush and the other thirty-eight boring candidates. And who do you talk about the most---yeah, you are most interested in talking about Trump---so go for the hat trick, and just vote for him. You know that you do not want to be bored, so go for the most interesting and entertaining candidate available.]

Trulhu 2016! The last President you will ever need.