Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Death so much death (where can I order the rebirth)

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Welcome to the October Tarot Blog Hop. The theme for this particular hop is: Le Roi Est Mort, Vive Le Roi! (The King is Dead, Long Live The King) Birth, Death & Rebirth...which seems fitting considering the ghastly year that I had. 

For those who have not heard about the year I have been having: First, the head of the Hearthstone Community Church (the "open full moon people"), Alia Denny died early this year; and then just a couple of months ago, my mother-in-law committed suicide because she no longer felt able to deal with her own health issues. These two events have been forcing me to reconsider my role in the local Wiccan community, deal with my own suicidal tendencies, and double-guess decisions I made before these two deaths. 

Our wrangler asked us to ask three questions of the cards:

1: What do the cards tell you about where this cycle has  lead you--where have you been?

Knight of Cups: I started this cycle focused on my writing, and the projects that I wanted to complete. But instead of accomplishing anything, I have been forced to consider that maybe the idea of being a writer (a successful one) is just a pipe dream. Both deaths caused serious disruptions in the flow of my writing. The only thing that is keeping me from chucking it all in is the fact that I get fed up with "management" after a mere ten minutes of watching someone else manage a business, and the fact that I believe my wife would be displeased with me if I gave up on my writing (she says I am a nasty person when I am managing a restaurant). So now, I am kinda depressed and moody, and double-guessing the value of what I was (maybe still am) working on. 

(For the curious, I am most passionate about writing stuff in the Great Gherkin/Sister Seuss universe...which consists of me making jokes about the occult community. It is not educational, uplifting, or even potentially marketable. Still ninety percent of my output lately is connected to that universe. All other projects have dropped by the wayside more or less.)

Knight of Cups.
2: What do the cards tell you about where you are headed--where are you going?

Eight of Wands: Unfortunately, this card just seems to indicate that I am going to continue to be wrapped up in "the project that is just going to p*ss people off." I do find it amusing that the figure in the card is green--Hulk smash! The writing in that particular universe tends to go fast which matches the speed that I imagine the future boycott of my work is going to take. 

I would try to wiggle out of this reading, and aim for the Harmic Barrow stuff....but that is also a project that I think people are going to be upset about (the Barrow universe touches upon racism). 

On the positive side, I assume that the storm will pass quickly and my offense soon forgotten by most people (there will be a couple of people who will be upset for a long time, but considering that they have held grudges against me for other offenses seemingly forever--they don't really count).

Eight of Wands.
3: What do you feel has changed for you at the end of this cycle along your journey of life?

Three of Swords: Panic attacks. That sums up where I am currently at. (According to the lore, this card can indicate panic attacks, so let's go with that.) Lately, I have had quite a few of them. Not only am I double-guessing my ability to string sentences together, our household budget is in shambles (my wife's job hunt was interrupted by her mom's death), so that just makes the voices in my head saying, "Go back to restaurant work you f***ing loser" that much louder. Plus my wife is not necessarily in a good place emotionally. I will admit that a certain amount of self-medication is happening on my end, just so that I can keep the worst of the panic at bay. I am sure that she will recover, that I might recover (no promises--I have always been a little insane), and that we will survive. Still, I am not in a comfortable place at the moment. 

Three of Swords.
So thanks for reading. I encourage you to read other entries from this blog hop (hopefully, other people are doing better than I am). Until next time, INRI-LVX-IAO.

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Alison said...

I hope you find a way to keep writing... your posts would be missed!

Unknown said...

What a poignant post that got real. Sending you so much love and I for two, chiming in after Alison, hope you'll continue to write. Your voice in the community and your thoughts are invaluable and impactful. Love.

Tarot By Arwen said...

You must write, Morgan. And you've had an incredibly sucktastic year. Love to you and yours. Wish I were in Denver.

Lore M said...

I'm so sorry for your losses this year! Please keep writing. It's brave work you're doing to leave behind work that didn't fulfill you to chase your dream.

Hannah Berg said...

Thank you so much for posting this. You most definitely can string a sentence together-- clearly, concisely, and evocatively.

I'm grateful I gave in to my urge to read "just one more" blog hop post before starting my day. People (ok, referring to myself) hesitate to share darker feelings and tendencies, afraid that people will turn (run) away. In fact, people want to know that this depth of feeling is experienced by others, too.

It has been a terrible year and I'm very sorry for your losses. May you find comfort in their memories and a bright light on your path.

Unknown said...

Your post was very raw and made me reflect upon things -- hard things -- that were going on in my life as well. It's fascinating to learn how many of us are going through something difficult in our life that tests our mettle. Some things we could do without due to the sheer complexity of certain situations: suicide, death, and more. It makes the good stuff that much sweeter -- however, small that sweet stuff/moment might be.

I appreciated the full disclosure of what was going on behind the scenes in your life and how it's bled into your writing.

I do hope you continue with your writing - even though it's 15 minutes a day. You've got this.

Joy Vernon said...

Hi Morgan. Sounds like a lot of big decisions. My condolences on your losses. P.S. I find that deck interesting--what is it? --Joy

Morgan Drake Eckstein said...

The Secret Tarot--Marco Nizzoli (1998), published by Lo Scarabeo.

It is my most used deck. I am still discovering things in the artwork. For instance, it wasn't until this reading that I realized that the figure in the Eight of Wands card was tinted green.