Tuesday, April 1, 2014

How to acquire a crystal unicorn horn

So you want an unicorn horn, and not one of those inflatable unicorn horns that cats love to wear. Perhaps even the royal deluxe crystal kind. Well, here is your complete guide to acquiring a crystal unicorn horn.

Go to the internet--in fact, go to Facebook.

Look for a magical group. Golden Dawn groups are ideal for this.

Find an unicorn worshipper. Be careful not to mistake them for a servant of the reptilian overlords.

Stalk them; follow them home. In fact, follow them everywhere--to work, to the gym, to the marijuana shop--everywhere, until they lead you to a magical pasture filled with unicorns.

Pick what horn you want to acquire. It will be attached to an unicorn.

Catch selected unicorn. You might need the unicorn worshipper for this part--after all, many of them are virgins.

After catching the unicorn, you have to kill it. Remember that unicorns are responsible for sprinkling vampires and fluffy-dark occult books.

Proceed to cook the unicorn. Remember to remove the glitter gland first--otherwise your farts will look like Fourth of July fireworks.

Now comes the hardest part...you have to eat the unicorn.

If you manage to do this without vomitting and/or ending up in the hospital, you get to keep the sacred unicorn horn. Wear it proudly, secure in the knowledge that you made the world a safer place for the reptilian overlords.

Oh, Happy April Fool Day!

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