Friday, April 1, 2016

How to charge your Necronomicon

Dear Mad Uncle Morgan,

I love your book, Fifty Easy Ways to Use the Necronomicon in the Kitchen.

But I do have one question. How does one charge the Necronomicon?

Sincerely, Gullible Reader.

Illustration I.

Dear Gullible Reader,

Thank you for your review of Fifty Easy Ways to Use the Necronomicon in the Kitchen. It is a pleasure to write occult books for readers like you. Be sure to check out my next book, Aliester Crowley and the Tentacled Orgy of Marduk, coming soon to a bookstore near you.

As to your question, many intelligent and interesting people ask that question, so I am very pleased to give you an answer.

First, you need a copy of the Necronomicon for Dummies by none other than myself. Take it outside to an ecological friendly place, like your recycling bin, your yard, herb or flower graden; a vegetable garden works too. Place Necronomicon for Dummies in a sunny location, put some junk mail on top, then delicately position the Necronomicon on this pile. Admire its beauty from a distance, being sure not to disturb it while it is sun charging. Wait for it to meow before taking it back inside. (See: Illustration I.)

Oh wait, that is how to sun bathe a cat.

For the actual answer to your question, buy either my epic H. P. Lovecraft and the Nude Beach, and/or my personal favorite, The Magical Codpiece of Cthulhu; both are available from finer ebook distributors, such as Ark-Words and Kult Direct Publishing.

Your favorite writer, Mad Uncle Morgan

No comments: