Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Meet the Great Gherkin (from a work-in-progress)

For those who do not know the Great Gherkin, we will now take a moment to tell you how wonderful, skilled and learned the man is. Or rather we will allow the Great Gherkin to serenade you with tales of his awesomeness, along with amble dollops of praise that he receives from other members of the esoteric community.

 “As the owner of the largest occult forum ever, the most subscribed occult newsletter,” the Great Gherkin proclaims, “and the Chief Adept and Supreme Wizard of the most advanced esoteric Order ever, I am humbled to be thrust into the spotlight as the guiding star for modern occultism. Thanks to all my fans and Order members who asked me, nay, begged me, to take a wider role in guiding the world into a new golden age.”

“Wait, doesn’t Wankers Are Us have less members than Dead Dog On The Road discussion group?” asked Sister Seuss, Numpty Hater Extraordinaire and children book writer. “And can we take this to a vote?” asked the Great Gherkin’s least favorite critic. “One of my cats left something in the litter box that I would rather have represent me than your weaselness.”

“This new golden age—what exactly does that entail?” Falcon Wilde asked. “Perhaps more caring about our fellow humans and the world.”

“Dead Dog On The Road is not really an occult discussion group,” the Great Gherkin replied back. “After all, the moderators say that the only topics allowed are from a handful of occult books. They frown on discussions about Uncle Al, who by the way, I am much more popular than. And they completely refuse to allow discussions about politics, governmental conspiracies, and how big business is enslaving and poisoning the entire planet. How can you consider them a real occult discussion group, given this grievous and blatant disregard for the greater occult community?”

 “Because they actually discuss the occult, unlike your maggot infested discussion group,” Sister Seuss replied. “Well, your opinion does not count, for you are…a sock puppet! Yes, you are a sock puppet of…Falcon Wilde, who has always hated me as anyone who has read his book review of my Magus Opus knows.”

“I gave your book an one star review because The Nile* doesn’t allow a rating of zero or less. Given a free hand, I would have given your Shitgibbon Opus a negative five stars. Your book was a black hole of material you copied from other people.”

“It is still better than anything you have published though Loony Luna, who refused to publish my book because it was too ground breaking, too cutting edge for the simpletons who buy their books from Loony Luna—it would have melted their brains with the awesomeness of my superior knowledge.”

“You mean your superior knowledge of photocopying?”

“Why you little horse f—”

“Hey, can we get back to the important part of the discussion here,” asked the angry and constantly lying critic. “Who were these people who asked you, nay, begged you, to be our fearless leader? I have asked around and I can’t find a single one of these people. In fact, you seem as popular as a hot latte enema.”

“That’s because you were asking the clumps in the cat box…”

[*Did you know that certain ebook retailers will not allow you to mention their competition by name, if you want to list your book on their platform? That’s why I have to refer to the biggest pimp of ebooks as “The Nile.” If I don’t, the great cult of the Apricot won’t allow me to sell you this excellent book through their system.]

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