Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Musical Tarot (Esoteric Comedy Show)

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[In celebration of our fiftieth Tarot Blog Hop post, a bit from a show that you would never actually see happen at a Tarot convention. Trust me. No one would ever be crazy enough to let this happen. So we will just have to imagine it happening together.]

At this point, I would sing you a song. But my wife has expressly said that Morgan shall not sing. Which is a shame because I have a wonderful singing voice. Yes, it it true that angels do cry when I sing.

Giant tears of joy. Emotion that has not been experienced since the creation of the universe. My singing is that good. And angels would totally agree that my singing is as powerful as the creation of the universe.

I should probably point out that my god-daughter disputes the greatness of my singing, and says that the angels are actually crying in great pain and agony. Let's call that Fake News, and move on.

There are people other than my wife and god-daughter who tell me not to sing. The entire Denver community of witches and pagans has told me that when the singing parts of the rituals happen, I am supposed to hum--softly--just so we don't violate any public noise ordinances. Again, Fake News--they just jealous that I am the best singer in the Denver pagan community.

Being forbidden to sing, I have thought about learning to play a musical instrument. Even someone who can't carry a tune in a bucket should be able to learn to play a musical instrument. Surely singing and playing a musical instrument have nothing in common.

And wanting to do it right, I have thought about musical instrument I should devote myself to.

Now many instruments are automatically off of the table for various reasons. For instance, I can't play any stringed instruments because the strings might be made from cat-gut. Yes, I have done some serious non-research here. And the instrument can't be too large, for I am a lazy bastard who believes that his only exercise should consist of pulling books off a shelf. Therefore, the tuba is out of the question, along with the kettle drum, and the piano. That's last one is rather surprising, but let's be honest--it is hard to carry a piano onto the bus.

I have narrowed my choices down to three options, and now my choice of instrument is tied up in committee. But I am quite confident that the committee will allow me to have an instrument. There is absolutely no way that the committee will agree with my mother that all I am doing is making an ungodly racket.

My number three choice is the accordion. My father owned one. I want to own one. Just because his was sent to the attic, never to be seen again, doesn't mean that mine will suffer the same fate. I see that the audience doesn't believe me, and are busy texting the music committee about how much they would love to hear me play the accordion.

"Dear committee for the protection of those who know what music should sound like, I totally support Morgan getting an accordion, and being allowed to play it in public. After all, the accordion is built on the cat in a box principle--and there is absolutely no way that Morgan could play it wrong."

That was texted by someone who obviously done more research on this subject than I have. Because when this bit started, I did not know that accordion had cats in them. Is cat alive? Is the cat dead? We don't know. We will never know. But we can all tell that the cat is a little unhappy by the sound it is making.

My number two choice for musical instrument is the bagpipes. Everyone loves bagpipe music, especially when played by a genius like myself. Plus I will finally be able to convince the neighbor across the street to quit playing their party music at midnight. We all have that one neighbor, who insists on playing their music at midnight on a hot summer night when everyone in the neighborhood has their windows wide open. There is absolutely no danger that this will cause a musical stereo war in my neighborhood.

"Dear committee for the protection of cats and sleeping neighbors, I totally endorse Morgan playing a set of bagpipes on a hot summer night. It is sure to create world peace, for bagpipes sound nothing like an angry cat stuck in a bag."

My final choice in music instruments--my number one choice is a bag of rusting tin cans. Because let's be honest, my real goal here is to be the center of attention--and there is not a reality music show that will not be amused and amazed at my skill at playing a big bag of tin cans.

"Dear committee for the protection of those who do not find this joke funny, for heaven's sake, make sure that Morgan lets the cats out of the bag before he attempts to play it. When will someone think of the cats being tortured for the sake of music."

I recently discovered that you can make cats sing. I discovered this on Facebook. Someone posted a picture of a cat singing Bohemian Rhapsody. Well, not actually singing. It was a picture of a cat captioned with song lyrics.

Totally awesome, don't you agree?

I'm just a purr boy. Nobody rubs me. He's just a purr boy from a purr family! Spare him his life from this meowstrosity!
So I have now developed a hobby of trying to match the song to the picture. And considering that we are supposed to be talking about Tarot, let's go there. Otherwise, this entire bit will make no sense when I put it into a Tarot Blog Hop post.

Being a "silly person"--that's medical speak for "being a bloody loony"--I have started to put song lyrics onto pictures of Tarot cards. Please note that some of these only make sense if you watch the same television shows I do.

I think that Wayward Son by Kansas is appropriate for the Chariot. Another One Bites the Dust by Queen fits the imagery of the Lightning Blasted Tower. Like a Virgin by Madonna, that's the Lovers. Great Balls of Fire is totally the Ace of Wands. The Immigrant Song is my chosen one for Strength. Hint--think of the Viking Kitty video. Death is Tiptoe Through the Tulips--what else could it be?

Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!

Carry on my wayward son, for there will be peace when you are done.

Tiptoe through the tulips with me!

Like a virgin, touched for the very first time.

We come from the land of ice and snow--we are your overlords.

But I am most proud of the caption that I came up with for the Devil. It is truly something to cause angels to cry in joy.

If you are happy, and you know it, and want the whole world to know it, if you are happy and you know it, clap your hands! 
And that is what it is all about--causing angels to cry with my awesome ability to make music.

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Ania said...

Mwahahahaha! Loving the Schrodinger Cat music theme. If only he'd thought of using musical cats, the riddle would have been instantly solved :D

Joy Vernon said...

Ok, I have to agree with Jay and Ania that the Schrodinger Cat theme is hilarious! And the lyrics for the Devil card are perfection!!

Aisling the Bard said...

Lyrica Majestica, Mon Frere....absolutely wonderful!! And Schrodinger's Cat has only one question...Is he singing, or isn't he singing? And does it depend, or not, on whether he's in the box?

Unknown said...

Ahahhahaha if you’re happy and you know it! Perfect!!!! I always hated that song/game. I’m not happy yet I am expected to pretend I am! Groan... - and that’s from the time I was 6! XD