Showing posts with label Esoteric Comedy Show. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Esoteric Comedy Show. Show all posts

Saturday, December 5, 2020

The Amazing Adventures of Meltdown Girl (Why my stuff is not available on Amazon)

This post was originally written for The Many Pen-Names of Morgan Drake Eckstein under the title--The Amazing Adventures of Meltdown Girl (How losing access to Amazon is affecting my production schedule) 

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 It is official. After twenty-five years of peace among the leaders of Denver’s Wiccan community, the Second Denver Witch War has started. And I am the first causality of DWW2. Happy, happy—joy, joy—right? 

Yes, it is going to affect the production schedule—as in “Everything is on hold until further notice.” 

Why? Because some witch thought that it was a suitable punishment for me to have my Amazon author account terminated. Me and my wife chose not to march in lock-step with a Big Name Witch, and now we need to be punished for our wrongful disobedience. 

Nice, right? I am guessing that this is going to be another case of putting lipstick on a pig, and claiming that it is about “Community service, and not elevating ourselves over others.” Because baby witches need to be protected from the fraudulent and predatory—and I am an evil predator. Unlike those community serving witches who are protecting you from me. 

For the one person who hasn’t heard the story yet: After enjoying twenty-five years of relative peace in the Denver Wiccan community, three and a half years ago (after the death of a prominent peacekeeping leader) a bunch of apex monopoly seekers decided that what Denver’s Wiccan community needed the most was a Gatekeeper to assassinate all the unworthy witches who had been allowed to infest the community with their pestilence and corruption during the previous twenty-five years of peace and cooperation. 

Did you know that I was a source of corruption and Covid-19? Of course, you did. You are smart like that. Too bad you are not smart enough to unsubscribe from this newsletter. You bad, bad pagan. 

But never fear, the scheme to drive me completely from the occult community is proceeding according to plan. 

The latest step of the plan was to get Amazon to terminate my author account, ensuring that seventy to eighty percent of today’s book market is closed permanently to me and my evil professional liar ways. All over less than five dollars unpaid royalty. Because my wife defriended and blocked a friend—wrongfully, for my wife was supposed to agree completely with Meltdown Girl, killing both the open-to-the-public pagan event I cohost and my author brand. 

Oh yes, you are supposed to love Meltdown Girl for her sunny personality (her blood type is Chernobyl Road Rage hot sauce), and obey her very wish and demand because she is special and should totally be in charge of all things magical and mystical. 

After all, it is not like the honored dead approve of my operation of witchcraft and shaggy dog stories. 

Maybe I need to explain that—what do you think? 

Okay, here goes . . . 

As we all know, the natural state of occult leaders is to be at war with one another. Despite the claims of community service, from the outside the war looks remarkably like self-serving monopoly seeking egomaniacs deciding that they, and they alone, deserve to receive all the bucks, fucks, and ducks that the students of esoteric traditions are willing to shell out to the bestest teacher and lineaged supreme, just to be ordered around by She Who Should Be Pope. Unfortunately, there are many pretenders to the throne—therefore, a Witch War must be fought until there is only one Witch Mother standing. And the Goddess approves, for there can only be one Witch Queen to rule all things magical and mystical. 

War is the natural state of the occult community, and anyone who says otherwise (hinting that we could do better) needs to be driven out of the community at the earliest opportunity. 

Around 1992—about the same time I entered the ranks of coven and lodge initiation—a source of pestilence arose in Denver. Her name was Alia Denny, and she was totally evil. As in, she “inherited” a community church devoted to doing public Wiccan ritual (got to honor the Official History) and changed the rules by allowing just about everyone to conduct an open pagan ritual on the behalf of the church. 

That was evil—because we all know that such nonsense needs to be stopped—the ranks of the occult, including Wicca, need to be prescreened and filtered by properly lineaged witches. Allowing everyone in, oh the horror—next thing you know, people are going to be able to claim to be Wiccans without going through the trials and tribulations of being a properly initiated coven member. 

Several people tried to stop Alia and the spread of this plague—a couple of her critics even joined the board of the church to try to correct things and put them back in their proper place and form—but Alia ignored all of them. 

Sadly, the greater Wiccan community, you know those bastards and bitches who believe that the individual should have the right to choose their own religion, decided that the performance of public Wiccan ritual was the greatest thing since sliced white bread. Oh the horror—oh the humanity—oh why is it illegal to burn a heretic at the stake? 

I was one of the misguided witches who felt that open ritual was awesome. Worse, the community leadership have failed to exile me from the witchcraft community—as in, I ignored all hints to leave the community, and kept worming my way back in, using my wallet as a tool of ultimate evil by paying to attend classes at my local occult shop. Alia was just encouraging bad behavior, and I was the poster child of the evils of an open-to-the-public religion. 

 Let me be clear—Alia Denny’s greatest crime was that she did not ban me from the community the very first night she met me. 

Followed by the fact that the idea of lineage as ultimate proof of quality was ignored by the rabble in favor of how friendly you were and how entertaining your public rituals were. Oh dear, High Priestesses had been stripped of their right to be abusive to one and all—Wicca had become a Free Market Economy. 

Enter the Amazing Meltdown Girl. 

Meltdown Girl has never believed in a Free Market Economy. Meltdown Girl feels entitled to fame, wealth, and absolute obedience—and allowing customers to decide who they like the best is the Eighth Deadly Sin. You are a horrible person if you believe that Meltdown Girl might have to do some hard work to earn the mega-star success that she so desperately craves. 

And Meltdown Girl believes that she is entitled to the fame, wealth, and influence that such authors as J.K. Rowling and Stephen King have. 

With just one book. 

Yes, Meltdown Girl believes that she should be earning mega-star prestige with just a single book. 

Not a series of books. No need for an author platform. No need to improve her output—it is perfect in every way. 

And she might be earning even less as a writer than I am. 

If so, lying to Amazon and getting my author account terminated is JUSTICE and just something that I had coming for being a monster. 

Now, I am not saying that I shouldn’t lost my author account, but let’s be honest about my real crime—it wasn’t about paying Meltdown Girl her just dues (royalties); it was the fact that I allowed this person to remain in my life for twelve years. 

And I had plenty of warning that Meltdown Girl was a little bit of a Bleep since the first day I met her. 

We met at my Second First OFM (Open Full Moon ritual)—the first one I did was years earlier and no one knew that I was actually the author of that ritual (I had self-confidence issues at the time). And like every first unrehearsed public performance, the performance was a burning dumpster fire. It wasn’t completely my fault—my volunteers had bolted at the last minute—leaving me to create an one-person ritual as I performed the OFM. (I would later realize that the abandonment of me was the first step in the Bast Temple schism—but that’s a story for the Initiation Book.) Somehow, I managed to survive. 

Well, mostly. I had made a major mistake at the ritual that would burden me to this very day. You see, I am a Wiccan in Golden Dawn—and I don’t try to disguise that fact. So, public ritual—public performance of the Lesser Ritual of the Pentagram; isn’t that what supposed to happen? Turns out “No!” One of the audience members that night was Gertrude . . . who got a little upset that a mere man with a dodgy lineage, not properly trained and vetted by a “real Wiccan,” and who preached the radical idea that paganism could be a Free Market System—there should be no way in Hell that I was more powerful than she was. 

But I was. 

For the next twelve years (and counting), I would be punished for this unforgivable pagan sin—mainly because Gertrude really believes that she is the smartest, most knowledgeable, and most powerful witch in the city. And any evidence that says otherwise has to be destroyed. 

Which is why the Official History of the Denver Wiccan community now says that I never once contributed to the community when people were needed to step up. 

It is also why my medical marijuana status had to be weaponized, Alia Denny recast as a villain, and why it is totally ethical, legal, and good business sense to have someone lie to Amazon and get my author account terminated. Hell, the Honored Dead would totally approve of this much needed Witch War—even Alia Denny herself would ban me from the community if she was still alive today. 

(Ethical—“benefiting the Uber-Witch who should be in complete control of the community”; Legal—“what you can get away with when you have a free lawyer”; Good business sense—“Morgan and Khari are morons who will gladly bled out and disappear from the community—they have no independent way to reach the greater pagan community”; Endorsed by the Honored Dead—“History can be rewritten and competition memory-holed 1984-style.” Anything else I should define? Oh, yes: Uber-Witch—“She was has the most greed, the biggest ego, and sharpest knife—she who deserves to receive all the bucks, fucks and ducks that aspiring witches are willing to shell be instructed in the One and Only True Way of Wicca.”) 

Anyways, back to Meltdown Girl—and yes, that tangent ties into the mess later—Gertrude will be empowering Meltdown Girl before it is all over. 

I had plenty of warning that Meltdown Girl wanted to be an Apex Witch Queen. For instance, when she first moved here from Dogsville, she was obsessed with a psychic friend of hers who was attempting to get producers interested in a ghost-chasing television show. 

“Becky doesn’t deserve her own show. All the ghosts she is talking about, all those wonderful spiritual experiences, she stole those stories from me. I am the real talent—not her. Where is my f***ing TV show?” 

It should be noted that as a man and a former business manager, I had opinions about what Meltdown Girl should do next. 

“If you want to have a TV show, you need to build up your portfolio. People need to see past evidence that you know what you are doing. Without it, why would the producers ever consider giving you your own show?” 

This advice to build up her portfolio was also given regarding her children book series, and her failure to get invited to the community church Council that Gertrude serves on. 

“Why did Bunny get invited to join the Council? Why not me? I am more talented and ethical than Bunny is. I deserve to be on the Council that rules all things magical and mystical in Denver.” 

She didn’t like my answer: “Bunny has done an annual children ritual for a decade. Bunny has proven that she contributes to the community. You have never done a single open ritual. Build a portfolio and you will be asked to do things too.” 

Meltdown Girl did not like that answer. 

And she really didn’t like it when I asked, “Why didn’t you volunteer when the Council put forth their call for new Council members?” 

Yeah, I don’t have too much patience for people who want to be asked to be leaders, but don’t want to contribute to the community without getting “paid” for their service. In other words, “I want to be worshipped and I don’t want to have to work hard to become a living goddess.” You know—the attitude problem that drives all witch wars and trademark lawsuits. 

And I knew that there was another person besides Bunny that Meltdown Girl was upset with—Me! 

You see I also got asked to join the Council (despite engaging in Active Avoidance). Why? Because I had a visible to the public portfolio: Former Inner Order officer for a branch of Golden Dawn, a blog where I periodically talked about abusive occultists, a couple dozen newsletter articles, and several open-to-the-public pagan rituals written and performed by little old me. In other words, I had portfolio. 

Well, I had portfolio clear up to three and a half years ago—history has been rewritten since then. 

Please note, I would have never joined the Council if I would have known that someday the Council would be dragging my reputation through the mud, rewriting history to justify taking over four events/services (and counting), and would encourage others to damage my author platform. 

And yes, I am positive that the Council encouraged this whole mess. Let’s be clear—this is all about several witches believing that they have the right to boss around the entire Wiccan community. As in I was supposed to ask permission to write the Public Ritual as Community Growth Tool book—so that Gertrude and the rest of her Righteous Council could deny me permission to preach a philosophy that they pretended to support for a quarter of a century, but had just really wanted to burn the person who came up with the idea at the stake for ruining their chances of being the boss of every witch living in the city. Oh yeah, these are nice people focused on “Community service, and not elevating ourselves over others.” Pay no attention to how my resignation was accepted: “I feel that the best way for you to honor Alia and her legacy is for you to leave the community.” In other words, allow the Second Witch War to happen (and Denver’s history and Alia’s philosophy to be rewritten) while killing my own open event and my author brand—without me saying a single word about it. Because righteous actions should always be veiled by a cloak of secrecy. 

One can only hope that Meltdown Girl’s manipulation of Amazon finally gets her invited to the Council—because Meltdown Girl would be a perfect addition to the Great Gherkin Collective. So how did Meltdown Girl get my account terminated? And why? 

Let’s deal with the Why first. 

Last year, Meltdown Girl approached the Council after hearing that another Big Name Witch had threaten to go to the Council, arguing that no pagan (not alone a community leader) should be allowed to be on medical marijuana, and that I should be kicked off the Council and my slot given to her. Meltdown Girl heard me complain to someone about this below-the-belt maneuver and decided to use the gambit herself. Oh yes, last year’s drama was triggered by Meltdown Girl. 

Oh yeah, Meltdown Girl ran screaming to the Council that I was trying to take over the entire Wiccan community. 

Result? 

The Council weaponized my medical marijuana, memory-holing my thirty-five years (now thirty-six) years in the Denver’s pagan and magical community, and forcing me to hand them a resignation that was in direct violation of a promise I made to Alia Denny. 

Why try to get me burned at the stake? 

Because Meltdown Girl realized that my wife, Khari, wasn’t going to kill the Occult Garden Parties “Celebrating with successful writers, artists, and witches.” No, my wife decided that she loved the OGPs and that they were not going to go away—no matter how much Meltdown Girl tried to sabotage the parties. 

“I would not serve those people chicken and ribs. They only deserve hot dogs and hamburgers. You shouldn’t be wasting money on those people.” 

I want it on the record that my Occult Garden Parties were started before Alia died (she was part of first stage testing of the event) and Alia was okay with me doing them despite my medical marijuana status. 

So what set off Meltdown Girl? 

Khari paying attention to someone else. 

Yeah, just that. 

And this is a person who thinks that they should be asked to lead the whole damn community—say what?!? 

Please note that Meltdown Girl came back into our orbit earlier this year—bitching about the horrible stuff that the Council was doing. Mostly she was upset that she was not asked to join the Council to replace me. 

Well, clear up to the moment that she realized that I thought that I still had a chance to influence people through the Occult Garden parties. Oh, and I thought that I could be a partial replacement for Alia in the community. 

Now, when I say that I am in the running to be Alia’s replacement, I don’t mean that I am going to be the Apex Witch Queen ruling the entire city. No, what I mean is that in Colorado, there are fifteen medical marijuana patients per one thousand residents. Fifteen people who are not going to like the libel (slander) that the mere presence of a medical marijuana patient at a no-power open pagan ritual can result in the entire audience having to live in a padded cell for the rest of their lives. I do not see how any medical marijuana patient is ever going to trust the Council to be their pagan clergy ever again. I know that I would never trust someone who used dirty tricks to eliminate a rival, and tried to impose health, business, and personal decisions on someone (decisions that only benefited the Council, and actually increased the person’s chance of hurting themselves and others—yeah, you know, that type of good advice.) 

I knew I was in trouble the instant that Meltdown Girl said that she dreamed of Alia and she had a message for me. 

I knew that whatever the “message” was, it was going to boil down to “cease and desist—just do whatever makes Meltdown Girl happy.” 

In self-defense, I avoided contact with the Amazing Damsel of Righteous Road Rage for several days. I also very quickly finished the section of the Public Pagan Ritual Planning Workbook that I had been working on. The feeling that someone was going to drive me straight into the weeds, if not into an extended bout of panic, low self-esteem, and close to suicidal depression—that caused the professional writer to hurry to the next logical break point in the project. 

And I wasn’t wrong. 

Please note that I cheated—it wasn’t a great feat of precognition and divination to know that trouble was coming. After all, I have known this lunatic for twelve years—and we were long overdue for Ms. Amazing to have a nuclear meltdown. 

Let’s be clear. This is a woman who once accused me of concealing hundreds (perhaps thousands) of dollars’ worth of sales—robbing her of much needed royalties (reality: I couldn’t give her writing away). This is the person who blackballed all applicants to Bast Temple after the schism (“I am getting a bad vibe from them”). This is the person who gave Cos-Neo “Community service, not elevating ourselves over others” the idea of using my health problems to justify their secret banning of me. Not that I am supposed to know about the true extent of that backstabbing—I am supposed to believe that the resulting secret exile of me was merely the church misusing private information—and that Meltdown Girl was innocent of getting me kicked out of the community. And most of all, this is the person who still thought that she deserved superstar treatment (must be the center of attention at all times) and a sweet ass community church board membership with a bad attitude and a portfolio that still echoed from its emptiness. 

Oh, I so knew this was going to be a bad “Alia is spinning in her grave” cease and desist message. 

After all, I have seen the three eye flashes the weekend before. 

Let’s count off the “If looks could kill,” shall we? 

First, there was the glare when I pointed out an artist tip that I learned by watching Bob Ross. 

The second flare was when I a small joke about being more qualified to be Alia’s replacement (more pro-open ritual) than any of the current crop of Apex Monopoly Seekers. 

And the third attack of Medusa Eyes was when I laughed that I would have to decide how much of a discount that I would give her when I was ready to teach my upcoming Marketing For Pagan Community Leaders workshop. 

Yeah, those are the horrible things that I did that triggered the latest round of drama; Meltdown Girl running back to the Council to complain some more, and the urgent need to get my Amazon author account terminated. 

All of which, along with the righteous weaponization of my medical status, should prove to the Imperious Trio once and for all that Meltdown Girl needs to be invited to join the Council. 

Oh, and why does she want to be a member of the Council? So she can ban people from the community simply because they give her a bad vibe. And someday, I was sure to be one of those banned—because I kept thinking that I was better than she was. 

Now, at this point, it might be helpful for the reader to know that I belong to an esoteric tradition that reserves Tier Two training (think—Inner Order Golden Dawn/Second Degree Wicca) to those who can pass three tests—Tier Two cannot be opened without at least one student who can pass all three parts of the challenge. 

One, you have to show a concern about acting ethically. This does not mean that you have to restrict yourself to only spiritual development—no, you can do practical magic. And it does not mean that you are a doormat in the real world either. You can be a bastard and still be ethical. All Tier Two members have to pass the ethics threshold. 

Two, at least one student has to gain (learn) the ability to reach into someone else’s sphere of sensation and adjust their energy. Translation—someone who will be able to initiate others, and not be restricted to handing out placeholder degrees and grades. 

Three, and the most important of them all, you have to be able to detect magical and mystical energies well enough that when you encounter someone bullshitting that they are a High Grade, powerful in magic and ritual, that you can see how often there is absolutely no energy while they are lying about hearing the advice of the Secret Chiefs and the Honored Dead. 

By the way, no one who broke away during Bast Temple schism had passed these tests—not even a single part. 

And Meltdown Girl had constantly failed all three parts—despite thinking that she was a top shelf healer and psychic. 

Which is why when my wife, Khari, passed a second part of the Tier Two challenge a couple of years ago, I started trying to warn Meltdown Girl to knock off the fake medium act. Please note I am not allowed to just come out and say, “I have known that your on/off ratio as a psychic is 10:90 at best, and I have known this for twelve years. And Khari has progressed to the point where she might be able to see what you really are the next time you say, ‘The spirits are telling me you need to do it this way, and you can believe me because I am a psychic’ and I am quite sure Khari will not be pleased once she learns your actual truth to lies ratio.” 

Okay, I did not foresee that Khari’s reaction being quite this bad—surprise, not only did Khari learn that you are a bullshitting psychic, turns out that she is still a little upset that you weren’t more sympathetic when her mother committed suicide [bad health issue]. 

My wife defriended and blocked Meltdown Girl on Facebook. 

Which is why Meltdown Girl ran back to the Council, got egged on by them to use a dirty trick to terminate my Amazon author account (a test balloon to see if the Council can use a quote of forty-three words and a claim that they are the only ones legally allowed to write about public goddess worship and its history to block the publication of my entire OFM support series), and all this because Meltdown Girl believes that Alia Denny should have handpicked her to be the next ruler of the Denver Wiccan community. 

By the way, Alia (despite what the official history now claims) only controlled one event. Not four and counting. Alia never claimed the right to shut down other people’s events and projects—and she would have been horrified that someone was trying to destroy someone else’s business and livelihood. 

Not that I was making money yet. But I had high hopes for my rebranding and relaunch. Especially my science fiction. A relaunch which can never happen now because there is no point in me finishing anything now—how would the readers ever find it? 

I mean it is not like I spent twenty years blogging about abusive occultists—watchdog work I did for free—because I truly believe that the students of the esoteric traditions deserve better leadership than Meltdown Girl, the Righteous Trio of the Cos-Neo Council, the Great Gherkin and the dozens of other monopoly seeking Big Name Witches and Magicians that believe that the world of the occult exists only to serve as their own personal ATM (cash point), sex dungeon, and personal shooting gallery. 

High-fives all around for Meltdown Girl and the legitimate guardians of the One True Wicca, for finally succeeding where so many others have failed—a big round of applause for permanently silencing my voice and exiling me from the occult community forever and ever. Oh yeah, these guardians of all things magical and mystical deserve a big round of applause. 

Applause. 

Not what I think they deserve. 

My fans know what is about to happen—yeah, I will continue writing (both esoteric and fiction); the only difference is that I do it for free, rather than attempt to make money doing it. 

And before anyone asks, the chances of me being able to use facts like “Payout threshold was five dollars; Contributors were being credited according to ereader page count of their submission: and Meltdown Girl had an advertisement for her children book series as part of her payment” to regain my Amazon account is relatively low, as in “Satan will be skating to work.” Amazon is notorious for capricious enforcement of their rules and business standards. Odds are very much that Amazon is permanently closed to me. 

A big round of applause for Meltdown Girl. Hopefully, this deed of excellent community service, unselfishness, and supreme business sense earns her that place on the Council that she so feverishly desires. And if not, well, my wife has banned her from our property—Meltdown Girl is not coming back here. 

So exactly how is all this drama, including the termination of my Amazon author account, going to affect my production schedule? 

First, all projects are on hold. Mainly because of the emotional turmoil that the events of last year and a half has unleashed in my brain. It is hard to make process on writing projects when every draft turns out to be a rant about how I didn’t agree to be a board member just to undo everything positive that Alia Denny ever accomplished as soon as she was dead. 

Secondly, all projects are on hold because I have absolutely no idea how far Meltdown Girl, the Cos-Neo Council, and the other three dozen or so Big Name Witches, intent on restoring Denver’s Wiccan community back to its pristine one true way state that existed during the Denver Witch War years—you know the ideal society that Alia Denny ruined by allowing portfolio (in the form of open pagan ritual done by the unwashed masses) into the community (undermining the ability of one simply to make a lineage claim to be able to boss others around)—I have absolutely no idea how far these fine pillars of the community will go to ensure that my opinions are silenced once and for all. 

Let me be clear: These righteous reformers have blown past all the normal limits that govern ministers. The weaponization of my medical marijuana status to justify (secretly) banning me from a community church that I attended for a quarter of a century—as well as other events controlled by the eager monopoly seekers, the rewriting of history to memory-hole my thirty-six years in the local community, the voiding out of my contributions by claiming that the deeds don’t count because my actions were not done at the right time and for the right purpose (the glorification of She Who Wants It All). The recasting of Alia’s philosophy to make the claim that Alia herself would endorse the antics of the monopoly seekers, the claim that Alia would have banned me from the community herself (stripping me of my right to be a pagan minister) once she learned of my medical status, the lying to Amazon (massive unpaid royalties, my ass) to get my author account terminated, the invoking of Alia’s ghost to try to make my wife kill her (and my) open socializing and ritual event, and all the efforts to stop me from becoming a successful author—so far, from where I sit, not a single one of these Big Name Witches (all of whom claim to be so worthy of being Alia’s handpicked successor), none of them have exhibited any human decency or ethics. 

Oh wait, these supreme Wiccans have showed that they have ethics—morals and business practices—it is just too bad that perhaps they are ethics worthy of a whorehouse madam. 

Yes, that is my personal opinion. 

An opinion that is totally worthy of screaming libel, slander, and character assassination—oh yeah, these Big Name Witches will be suing me in court, proving that Alia left detailed instructions on how she wanted these pillars of the community to deal with critics who think that occult monopolies are a bad idea, and showing a judge that their rewritten of history is what really happened and not what some Arkham asylum escapee claims happened. 

And the BNWs will definitely be proving beyond all shadow of doubt that Alia Denny herself would have stripped me of my minister certificate, my community, my own open event, and my right to write about witchcraft and the occult the instant that Alia learned that I was taking medical marijuana to treat my complex PTSD, bipolar, panic attacks. 

After all, Alia Denny knew the dark truth; she knew that the mere presence of a medical marijuana patient at a low power (nay, no power) open-to-the-public Wiccan ritual would result in dozens of attendees having to spend the rest of their lives in padded rooms. 

And the BNWs will prove all this in a court of law, along with ensuring that their official rewritten history is the only one that historians are allowed to remember, as well as proving the Meltdown Girl is a real psychic, and that the religious laws of Wicca says that a single witch is allowed to micromanage (including shutting down) the religious and business activities of all who call themselves Wicca. 

By goddess, they have historical documents to prove all these points—and by goddess, they are going to use them. 

Easy peasee, once they find a free lawyer willing to swap legal services for a Wiccan degree in the bestest lineage (in fact, the only real Wiccan lineage) that the world has ever seen. And that will be easy to do because any lawyer will be able to instantly see that I am committing libel, slander, and historical revision (worthy of major life-crippling monetary damages) while their clients are a hundred percent innocent of wronging me in a similar manner. 

Oh yes, any and all actions taken to destroy me are ethical, legal, and good business sense. 

Fuck limits—let’s burn Morgan at the stake in the public square to show one and all that Morgan is the wickedest magician living today, and to make sure that everyone knows who Alia Denny’s rightful successors are and what happens to those unwilling to kiss their papal ring. Us Wiccans like to talk about how Wiccan clergy should be better than the Christian fundamentalists. That’s rich. Someone please explain to me how abusing me is serving the Lord and Lady. 

Worse than the potential legal problems, and far more responsible for causing all of my writing projects to be put on hold, is that Meltdown Girl has already proven that she is willing to lie, omit, and resort to dirty tricks to punish anyone who doubts that she is the one that Alia would have personally chosen to be succeed her. And there is also MDG’s rage when she learns that someone is doing better than she is as a writer, that’s some real sweet poison. 

If I somehow negate the death blow that Meltdown Girl dealt to my author career—oh how do you survive as an indie writer without Amazon—will MDG hunt down and visit similar dirty tricks on each and every pen-name that she knows of? 

Now that Meltdown Girl knows how easy it is to manipulate a book retailer into terminating another writer’s author account, will she ever stop? 

Do I need to abandon every pen-name and project that I ever admitted to? Do I need to create completely brand-new pen-names, new fictional universes, and a totally different writing voice—projects that I would never be able to mention to anyone—do I need to go unbelievable lengths just to protect myself from this fucking lunatic? 

*sigh* 

Even if I somehow figure out how to bullet-proof the parts of my author platform that Meltdown Girl hasn’t destroyed yet, there will still be some deep changes to my production schedule and output. 

For instance, the oral history project (of the “Golden Age Open Goddess Worship Peace Years”) that I wanted to do, that’s off the table. I can’t begin to imagine the type of copyright usage paperwork that I would require from the participants to make me feel safe from similar sabotage. That and sure as god makes little green apples, the Council (egged on by Meltdown Girl) will be taking me to court to make sure that the forty-three most important words are not usable by me, as soon as the Council locates the trademark paperwork and the Last Will and Testament which gives them not only complete and total control of Alia’s intellectual property (and not Doug, her husband)—but everything they need to prove to a judge that I am evil professional liar—a judge who will reward them by giving them the exclusive business right to close down the events and projects of other Wiccans. Yes, the Council will be able demand that others cease and desist—all in the name of community service, and not self-enrichment. 

It will be awesome legal justice. Oh, they are so going to prove that I am a dirty filthy mouthed liar who does not deserve the basic legal protections that all other historians and journalists normally enjoy. Meltdown Girl, the Kosher Coven and their band of Merry Minions, are so going to have that judge wrapped around their little finger. It will be glorious—and at the end of the day, only the Council will have the legal right to call themselves Wiccans. The Imperious Threesome wants it—and therefore, it will happen—they will be the only Wiccans legally recognized in the whole damn world. 

Hence legally, I no longer have the right to write about local Wiccan history. Only the Council enjoys that right. And it is righteous. Can I get an “Amen!” 

So that history project is never going to happen now—one can only hope that the Council writes and publishes their totally true account (with supplementary historical documents) of why they were more important to the development of the local Wiccan community than Alia ever was. 

Also gone is any future participation by me in anthologies, journals and magazines (including guest blog posts) organized by other people. Thanks to Meltdown Girl, I am now off-limits; no one is going to want to take the risk of working with someone who has been blackballed by the greatest witches and magicians in the world, and is now being hunted down by a horde of angry witches determined to root out my brand of heresy once and for all. Meltdown Girl is a lunatic, as are her Righteous Council friends, and they will probably feel perfectly okay with destroying the literary and publishing careers of anyone crazy enough to work with me. After all, it is about “Community service, and not elevating themselves over others.” 

But the most important change brought about by this fun and games is the addition of several new “Great Gherkin Collective” projects—all starring these wonderful ladies who totally deserve to rule all things magical and mystical with a bad attitude and an iron fist. 

Oh yes, let’s celebrate the great business and religious wisdom of Meltdown Girl and the Cos-Neo Council. Just don’t ask me what I know that they don’t know. Because I may not be a top shelf witch like they are, but I do know how to get information to people through non-paid channels. I blogged (unpaid) for twenty years about the antics of the Golden Dawn Trademark War. What would make this situation any different? 

I have opinions about how occult teachers and leaders should act—and have shared these thoughts openly with the greater esoteric community since 1996 in a variety of media (blogs, newsletters, small press publications)—more often than not for FREE. 

Why would I shut up now? 

Between the weaponization of my medical marijuana status, the rewriting of history, and the termination of my Amazon author account—this has become personal. 

And we all know how I get when things become personal. If the Council, Meltdown Girl, and their obedient minions, thought that I was a danger to the community before, they haven’t seen anything yet. 

It is Game On Witches! 

Sign up for The Many Pen-Names of Morgan Drake Eckstein to receive the monthly Essay of Doom (the 13th of very month)

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

Coming soon to my yard (Dark Arts and Crafts BBQ and Drumming Parties)

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Hi everyone--welcome to another exciting edition of the Tarot Blog Hop. The theme for this hop is "The Sun Harvest -- What end of summer harvest do you want to bring in before fall?"

*falls on floor laughing*

Hey kids, do you know what time it is?

"Howdy Doody Time?"

"Tool Time?"

"Dinner time?"

"Time for ice cream?"

"Oh, no--he is going to talk about his yard again, isn't he?"

"Again and again and again..."

Yes, that is right. I am going to talk about my yard again.

But first, a slight sidetrack.

Let me tell you about my July. And my original summer harvest goal...

So my wife was out of town for an entire month. She went to Costa Rica for language immersion--she teaches ESL. And I would be left in peace and quiet.

I figured that I would work on my summer goal of having a novel (an entire novel--50,000 words) done by September 1st.

I failed to realize that I was not actually going to get peace and quiet while she was gone. What I got was a bunch of garden remodeling contractors interrupting my schedule--both sleep and work. In the end, I got just a few good writing days out of the month.

Hence, I am not going to have either "Axe Murderer of Titan" or "Heartbreaker" done in time to meet my original goal. Or at least, I am not holding my breath at this point.

And in all honesty, it may have been too optimistic for me to aim for that goal in the first place.

Why did I chose September 1st as a goal for my next release date?

Well, it was the garden remodeling.

"See, I told you that he was going to talk about his garden remodel again. And again. And again."

When my wife decided that she was going to spend her inheritance on remodeling the garden, she thought that it was all going to be done by the first of June.

I laughed.

My father used to do remodeling and construction. I spent many summers and Christmas vacations on various job sites as my father tried to get me interested in the exciting and profitable world of construction and remodeling. I was not interested in that type of construction (don't get me started on the task of Fictional World Building--we will be here all day). [I was also not interested in farming and auto mechanics, just in case you are curious.]

Therefore, I had experience. I knew better. I did not need to pull out my Tarot cards to know that she was wrong. I saw her June first, and raised her a bet of September first.

And given that I am in the midst of a rebranding and relaunch of my career as a writer, what better way to celebrate than to release a book in one of the two new series I was working on?

(Axe Murderer of Titan--science fiction--pilot book of Icarus Above a Dark Earth.)

(Heartbreaker--urban fantasy--book one of Queen's Huntsman.)

But as I said, I don't think that I am going to make it.

I am still going to try.

After all, I still would like to have a book releasing near the date of my first Dark Arts and Crafts BBQ Party With Optional Drumming.

We will just have to see what happens.

The Sun--from the unfinished Monkey Tarot.
So what am I actually going to harvest this summer?

A sidewalk that does not kill people.

I kid you not--the sidewalk that they just dug out was that bad.

And a fence.

Because I like to pretend that I am not that neighbor.

You know--the neighbor that might be an evil Tarot reading witch who meets clients at his house.

Plus my storage sheds and the house trim got repaired and painted.

Basically, it is the yard and garden that I always wanted. The type of yard that one expects to find strange musicians, pot smoking artists, writers of the odd and wonderful, evil witches, and wise Tarot readers in. You know--my type of party.

And yes. it will be a monthly thing with BBQ and drumming. (Well, after my wife finishes her second Master degree work.)

Here is a video showing the current state of the yard...sort of...it devolved into a game of How Many Complaining Cats Can You Count?

[Mad Uncle Morgan shows off his yard.]

{For some reason, Blogger is not letting me embed the video.}

Oh about that September first estimate on mine? Well, we were informed just yesterday that the back gate we want will take a month to get the custom order done.

Damn good fortune telling considering that I never pulled out my Tarot deck for this one.

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Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Think before you tweet (Didnt like that career anyways edition)

[Warning--the following was written by a dirty rotten hippie--if you believe that you need a White History month, you may not think that this entry is funny.]

As human beings, we have created rules to survive. 

Rules like: Do not stick pennies into electrical outlets, and Poking a lion with a stick cleans out the gene pool. We need to be told things like this because we are all just biological computers running amok. And in light of changes in society and technology, new rules are rolling off the assembly line everyday. 

For instance, there are now rules to survive on social media without waking up to discover that someone has written "Die witch die!" on your lawn with industrial strength weed killer. So what are the rules?

Rule number one of surviving in Twitter America: If you ain't Trump of the Great Gherkin, think before you tweet.

Why? Because a single tweet in our social media enriched environment can cause you to lose your entire career--past, present, and future--causing you to lose your entire source of income in an instant. 

Case in point: Roseanne Barr.

For those who have missed it, Roseanne Barr decided to tweet "Muslim brotherhood & planet of the apes had a baby=y." ["y" being former Barrack Obama adviser Valerie Jarrett.] 

Now, I am fairly sure that it does not take a degree in rocket science to see how this joke in today's America, with all our rich and varied social media outrage possibilities, could backfire and blow up the entire launch facility, along with oneself in the process. 

Surely, Roseanne knew that there would be a line of outrage; at the very least, some SJWs (social justice warriors) lined up around the block to talk about White Privilege and how jokes about monkeys are not funny. And we all know that is only the lowest setting on the bar, the mere floor of the possible outrage, with the ceiling ranging up into the outer reaches of the atmosphere. Oh, the outrage that this tweet could cause...

Social media is the thunder dome of our civilization--if you are dumb enough to walk into the dome, there is a good chance that you are going to get mangled by lions--people have been known to die at the hands of social media outrage. 

Or at least, people have lost careers to social media outrage.

For instance, take Bill Cosby, America's Dad, seller of frozen pudding, bigly successful, making tons of TV syndication money; his fellow actors on his show also making some good cash from reruns of the show--and with one attack of social media outrage, it was all gone in an instant. The court of public opinion crucified the man, and every television show he was ever in got yanked from reruns. Even if he was never found guilty of being that bastard in a court of law, in the court of public opinion, he was sentenced to never making another dime from his former acting career. Cosby, along with all those who worked with the man in the past, were fined with a penalty of a significant loss of income. 

In an earlier time, Cosby could have survived; but we live in a time when the dog faced demons have taken to the internet to shape public opinion. 

Don't believe me? Let me prove it by making a prediction: At three in the morning, some dog faced demon is going to go online and tweet that ABC made a great big mistake for canceling Roseanne's TV show and that all of the Trump supporters, over fifty percent of the population, or so we have been told, all of them are going to quit watching ABC. It was a bigly mistake, and it is so sad that ABC has joined the deep state liberal media conspiracy factory to censor what real Americans think and believe. If we had real justice in this country, Roseanne would get a Nobel Peace Prize for her willingness to tell you exactly what she thinks--especially considering it is all true. But no, liberals are shutting the conservatives down and totally ruining the best part of free speech which is being able to say whatever you want, as long as you are a good conservative, and not suffer any consequences. The only people that need to be censored are those dirty hippies who believe in a progressive government and that all men are born equal, who have forgotten the greatest truth of them all--white conservatives are the greatest thing since sliced bread, and poor people are why we can't balance the federal budget.

"Because our military is only spending a dollar a day to fight a godzillion wars. Poor people spend far more than that, using welfare that white people are paying for--far, far more, they spend everyday at Starbucks. Where is your outrage about welfare cheats who belong to the Democratic Party?!?"

The only real question is: Will the dog faced demon post this before our most honored, and bestest ever President does? And can the President tweet this out before the Great Gherkin does? The betting window is now open--please place your bets. 

This whole situation is a good example of how much power social media outrage has. 

The revival of Roseanne Barr's sit-com premiered to an audience, somewhere northward of eighteen million viewers. The revival was a shoe-in for instant renewal, and looked good for a long and happy run of new episodes. 

Let me remind you that this was only thirteen days ago. Yes, just thirteen days ago. Before the revival, Roseanne said that she was going to cut down on the political posts. But Roseanne Barr could not help herself, and decided to see if her career was now fire-proof. 

It wasn't.

Her career went up in a fireball. Whoosh!

There are only two people in the world who are immune to social media outrage--Donald Trump and the Great Gherkin. Both have long term contracts clearly saying that they cannot be fired, and that their followers are obligated to believe whatever they say, even when there is evidence that clearly proves that they are wrong. Furthermore, their followers are required by the Constitution itself--go on, read it, and you will see that this is right--their followers have to instantly circle the wagons and defend them from any and all social media outrage. And this is in addition to the fact, that their followers want them to be Leaders-for-Life. They can do no wrong--they are the uber brain for our society, and they will lead humanity into a glorious future without global warming, without green technology, without nuclear war, without dirty filthy hippies smoking dope, the border secure, with only America making money, and where white people living in trailer parks occupy their natural and righteous place on the top of the food chain, ruling the inferior races and political parties, and there is not a single non-Christian left. Glory to Trump and the Great Gherkin, for they have saved white people from the angry hordes of demon inspired mutt Heinz 57 hippies. 

But outside of these two people, everyone else needs to think before they tweet. 

For instance, I could not tweet that the President has giant monkey balls, larger than his hands, so big that he needs several porn stars to hold them for him--I could not tweet that, for his fans would set fire to my yard. 

Nor can I tweet out that the Great Gherkin is just a little pickle in a big jar--for his fans, which number in the millions of billions, would crucify me before burning me for being a traitorous and very dirty hippie, rotten to my core, and a total heretic for not believing that the Great Gherkin is the second greatest person on this planet, with only Donald Trump being a better and more sainted person. 

Outside of these two people, you really need to think before you tweet. And if you will not do it for yourself, think about your loved ones, your friends, and your coworkers.

"Did you know that you are working with a Nazi? How can you live with yourself, knowing that your coworker is a Nazi? If you do not quit your job, if you do not punch the Nazi on the way out, I will boycott your job, no longer doing business with you and your employer, and you will no longer make any money."

Yes, let's just ignore the fact that without a job, I will not make any money either. 

And let's be clear about something, Roseanne Barr did not just torch her own career and bank account--no, she took a flame thrower to everyone's bank account that was associated with her show. If you will not think about yourself, please consider thinking about your coworkers. Just because you think that you are fire-proof, it does not mean that your loved ones are. So for god's sake--think before you tweet. 

If not evil, what do dog faced demons do on the internet? 

Saturday, May 12, 2018

Remodeling update (production schedule delay)

A quick update for those who are curious about the house and yard remodeling.

The fallen tree was removed.

A metric ton of newspapers have been culled from the house.

This is despite the fact that I got sick the week and a half before the windows and doors were due to be installed. (Actually I am still slightly sick, but I did manage to get a lot of stuff done.)

Just the tip of the trash iceberg.
For those who don't know, our house is almost a hundred years old, and therefore automatically has lead paint. All of which means that everything had to be boxed up and/or wrapped in plastic.

Oh look, a thin layer of cement over brick--no wonder I can't hammer nails into the wall. 
Yes, I know that I "could have" done it "cheaper" by doing it myself. But my wife decided to spring for professionals, and who am I to argue with her? Especially given the fact that I really want to start to work on Icarus.

Here is to paying professionals to deal with the job.
The advantage of hiring professionals is that they can do it faster and better. So instead of taking a thousand years doing it myself, they managed to get the three new doors and the four upstairs windows done in three days.

Still have the four basement windows to do, but that needs to wait until I finish boxing up the basement. I have decided to do that in two stages because of how much plastic wrapping needs to be done downstairs.

We still have to get the new sidewalk in (goodbye Sidewalk of Death) and the outside painting done--it is scheduled to be done before the Fourth of July.

Both me and Khari are looking forward to the work being done, and our first garden (drumming) party later this summer.

(And I am thinking about the possibility of teaching a few occult and witchcraft classes...we will see how it goes.)

How many cats can fit in the window?
For those who are eager to see me get more stuff done (Esoteric Comedy Show, Great Gherkin/Sister Seuss, the expansion of the three officer ritual book, etc.), everything is being delayed. Besides the outside work still to be done, it has been decided that some of the rooms in the house are going to get painted, and new bookcases built--mainly because this is the first time, Khari has seen me be able to deal with such things without suffering blinding panic attacks (ask me about how meds can help).

And then there is Icarus... (which deserves its own post.) Oh yes, Icarus is coming.

Thursday, April 19, 2018

Changing attitudes about marijuana in the esoteric community (can you change your mind without changing--oh yes, you can)

Over the years, I have watched the esoteric community's reactions to marijuana use change. Or not change. Or change, and then go back to the original position, which is just like it not changing in the first place with the additional fun of having proof that certain people are only interested in collecting dues and fees from you despite their claims that they are progressives and not at all stuck in conservative mindset which would totally welcome all pot smokers being burned at the stake.

My favorite incident of this type is how a few years ago, I watched one of the inspirations for the Great Gherkin tag me in a Facebook post, and then...

(Yes, the Great Gherkin is a composite monster, a Frankensteinian monster created from all the best bits of all the dubious occult leaders I have encountered over the years. You don't think that a single Big Name Occultist running a single Big Name Occult Tradition was the sole source of the Great Gherkin, did you? After all, it would be rather awesome if a single person was really that bad and manipulative, leaving the rest of the occult community safe to do business with. But no, the Great Gherkin is an archetype, an occult clone of awesome fierceness and frequency, one that appears in the genetic makeup of many of the finest occult leaders of our time. What does it take to be included into the hive mind of the Great Gherkin? Nothing more than holding a hand out asking for money while suffering Superior Tradition Disorder.)

So I am tagged in a post about marijuana, and then the Great Gherkin gets upset because not only do I weigh in; but so do other people, many of which do not see the awesome truth that all pot smokers are also violent ax murderers. Calling it a digression--a ploy to derail the many fine and excellent posts about magic occurring in their private FB group--they proudly say that it is better for everyone to have a gun, many guns, that many, many guns will prevent mass murders while pot makes people violent and unsuitable for spiritual advancement.

(Yes, that was the whole point of tagging me--to try to make me wake up to the fact that my ax murdering tendencies would totally be solved by giving me and everyone around me lots of bullets and firearms.--and that pot only made my ax murdering ways worse.)

In a fit of righteous, the Great Gherkin decided that my response ("No, you are wrong about pot making people violent") was just another point to justify kicking me out of their super and most excellent FB group. While it was not the final straw that broke the camel's back, that would have been my position on the definition of black magic (a position that they too shared a couple of days after kicking me out of paradise), they still bitterly talk about me as that Stinky Liberal Communist Leaning Pot Smoking Hippie Who Does Not Know the First Thing About Wicca and Golden Dawn Magic Despite Having Been in the System Practicing For Far Longer Than They Have...that label might need a trademark to ensure that it is only used by the right people to label the wrong people to listen to.

(In the meantime, I am barely able to prepare dinner while under the influence of sufficient amounts of THC, not alone the violent mass murders that I am supposed to be doing as a pot smoker.)

Interestingly enough, just a couple of weeks after kicking me out of their super duper greatest FB occult chat group ever, the Great Gherkin was one hundred percent in favor of legalizing marijuana, and was "the first occultist in the community to do so, having supported marijuana for years and years before anyone else did."

So why the change? Let's assume that it has nothing to do with the fact that large parts of the esoteric community actually support the legalizing of marijuana and that...

Okay, I have nothing here. If it is not jumping on the bandwagon to seem progressive and in tune with today's occult community, in order to keep collecting that sweet, sweet membership money, I have no clue. What I do know is that I have screenshots available for purchase in the kiosk that totally proves that someone was against pot, that they did not like my support of pot, and that they changed their tune after seeing that their potential membership pool had more than a few pot supporters in it.

Which they should have known already.

Having attended my fair share of classes held at occult shops, having attended my fair share of drum circles, having talked to my fair share of occultists, I have been aware of the fact that many occultists and witches smoke pot. In fact, I have heard stories that some of the biggest names in occultism, who scream that the pot is evil, have actually gone on drug benders which they and their trusted lieutenants have covered up. And I am not talking about just one person--no, this seems to be a pattern among many occult leaders who scream that the pot is bad.

Now, there are many in the occult community who are against all mind-altering drugs, including actual medicines prescribed by doctors. There are some who believe that I should not be allowed to take bipolar drugs while being a member of the occult community, not alone being allowed to take the edge off of my Inner Ax Murderer with the Wacky Weed.

But the most interesting part is watching the Big Name Occultist first banning all pot use, embracing it in the name of freedom, and then watching them going back again to condemning it after Jeffrey the Elf and the bestest President ever declared that we are going back to the successful "If you are caught with any pot at all, you will be in jail for the rest of your life" war on dangerous drugs.

(Please note that the Great Gherkin totally argues that any disagreement with the President at all makes you a traitor to the United States, one who should be hang by the neck until dead like the filthy liberal that you are.)

I am sorry, but if you can't make up your mind about the dangers of pot, I am just going to suspect that your current level of support is based not on your own opinions, but rather what you think your membership wants to hear--and that your changing opinion is more about being able to claim to be one of the people while taking the people to the cleaners.

As for myself, have I mentioned that magical pot laced cookies have sufficiently decreased the odds of me murdering you with an ax?

Happy National If You See Morgan About to Commit an Ax Murder, Please Give Him a Magical Cookie Day!

{Updated at 5:16 pm on 4/20/18: Changed "subscribed by doctors" to "prescribed by doctors"--thanks Jack Flash for catching that mistake.} 

Remember if you see Morgan acting like an ax murderer, give him a pot laced cookie. 
Want to see more stuff like this, consider encouraging me by buying a ECS script or two from me.

Here is a link to my Patreon page (show your support and sponsor me with a monthly donation.) 

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Musical Tarot (Esoteric Comedy Show)

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[In celebration of our fiftieth Tarot Blog Hop post, a bit from a show that you would never actually see happen at a Tarot convention. Trust me. No one would ever be crazy enough to let this happen. So we will just have to imagine it happening together.]

At this point, I would sing you a song. But my wife has expressly said that Morgan shall not sing. Which is a shame because I have a wonderful singing voice. Yes, it it true that angels do cry when I sing.

Giant tears of joy. Emotion that has not been experienced since the creation of the universe. My singing is that good. And angels would totally agree that my singing is as powerful as the creation of the universe.

I should probably point out that my god-daughter disputes the greatness of my singing, and says that the angels are actually crying in great pain and agony. Let's call that Fake News, and move on.

There are people other than my wife and god-daughter who tell me not to sing. The entire Denver community of witches and pagans has told me that when the singing parts of the rituals happen, I am supposed to hum--softly--just so we don't violate any public noise ordinances. Again, Fake News--they just jealous that I am the best singer in the Denver pagan community.

Being forbidden to sing, I have thought about learning to play a musical instrument. Even someone who can't carry a tune in a bucket should be able to learn to play a musical instrument. Surely singing and playing a musical instrument have nothing in common.

And wanting to do it right, I have thought about musical instrument I should devote myself to.

Now many instruments are automatically off of the table for various reasons. For instance, I can't play any stringed instruments because the strings might be made from cat-gut. Yes, I have done some serious non-research here. And the instrument can't be too large, for I am a lazy bastard who believes that his only exercise should consist of pulling books off a shelf. Therefore, the tuba is out of the question, along with the kettle drum, and the piano. That's last one is rather surprising, but let's be honest--it is hard to carry a piano onto the bus.

I have narrowed my choices down to three options, and now my choice of instrument is tied up in committee. But I am quite confident that the committee will allow me to have an instrument. There is absolutely no way that the committee will agree with my mother that all I am doing is making an ungodly racket.

My number three choice is the accordion. My father owned one. I want to own one. Just because his was sent to the attic, never to be seen again, doesn't mean that mine will suffer the same fate. I see that the audience doesn't believe me, and are busy texting the music committee about how much they would love to hear me play the accordion.

"Dear committee for the protection of those who know what music should sound like, I totally support Morgan getting an accordion, and being allowed to play it in public. After all, the accordion is built on the cat in a box principle--and there is absolutely no way that Morgan could play it wrong."

That was texted by someone who obviously done more research on this subject than I have. Because when this bit started, I did not know that accordion had cats in them. Is cat alive? Is the cat dead? We don't know. We will never know. But we can all tell that the cat is a little unhappy by the sound it is making.

My number two choice for musical instrument is the bagpipes. Everyone loves bagpipe music, especially when played by a genius like myself. Plus I will finally be able to convince the neighbor across the street to quit playing their party music at midnight. We all have that one neighbor, who insists on playing their music at midnight on a hot summer night when everyone in the neighborhood has their windows wide open. There is absolutely no danger that this will cause a musical stereo war in my neighborhood.

"Dear committee for the protection of cats and sleeping neighbors, I totally endorse Morgan playing a set of bagpipes on a hot summer night. It is sure to create world peace, for bagpipes sound nothing like an angry cat stuck in a bag."

My final choice in music instruments--my number one choice is a bag of rusting tin cans. Because let's be honest, my real goal here is to be the center of attention--and there is not a reality music show that will not be amused and amazed at my skill at playing a big bag of tin cans.

"Dear committee for the protection of those who do not find this joke funny, for heaven's sake, make sure that Morgan lets the cats out of the bag before he attempts to play it. When will someone think of the cats being tortured for the sake of music."

I recently discovered that you can make cats sing. I discovered this on Facebook. Someone posted a picture of a cat singing Bohemian Rhapsody. Well, not actually singing. It was a picture of a cat captioned with song lyrics.

Totally awesome, don't you agree?

I'm just a purr boy. Nobody rubs me. He's just a purr boy from a purr family! Spare him his life from this meowstrosity!
So I have now developed a hobby of trying to match the song to the picture. And considering that we are supposed to be talking about Tarot, let's go there. Otherwise, this entire bit will make no sense when I put it into a Tarot Blog Hop post.

Being a "silly person"--that's medical speak for "being a bloody loony"--I have started to put song lyrics onto pictures of Tarot cards. Please note that some of these only make sense if you watch the same television shows I do.

I think that Wayward Son by Kansas is appropriate for the Chariot. Another One Bites the Dust by Queen fits the imagery of the Lightning Blasted Tower. Like a Virgin by Madonna, that's the Lovers. Great Balls of Fire is totally the Ace of Wands. The Immigrant Song is my chosen one for Strength. Hint--think of the Viking Kitty video. Death is Tiptoe Through the Tulips--what else could it be?

Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!

Carry on my wayward son, for there will be peace when you are done.

Tiptoe through the tulips with me!

Like a virgin, touched for the very first time.

We come from the land of ice and snow--we are your overlords.

But I am most proud of the caption that I came up with for the Devil. It is truly something to cause angels to cry in joy.

If you are happy, and you know it, and want the whole world to know it, if you are happy and you know it, clap your hands! 
And that is what it is all about--causing angels to cry with my awesome ability to make music.

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Tuesday, March 13, 2018

ECS Free Guns For Everyone (Lap Cats Are Good Too) sales links

“Marge, have you read this?”

“Sue Ann, read what?”

“There is a pecker wood in Colorado, who thinks he knows more about the dangers of guns and gun control laws than us super-smart New Jerseyians.”

“Really? Who?”

“Mad Uncle Morgan.”

“Who’s he?”

“He is that comedian bloke that the Great Gherkin says is a paid hater and troll, and who is being controlled by the time traveling octopods from outer space.”

“Sue Ann, who is the Great Gherkin?”

“Oh Marge, you know, the Great Gherkin is just some guy, an unpopular Big Name Occultist with a patented success system.”

“Patented success system?”

“Yeah, pick a popular cause, trademark it, and charge bigly fees for people to ride on the same parade float as he does.”

“Are you sure that the Great Gherkin is not actually the President of the United States?”

“D’oh!”

It is Mad Uncle Morgan, everyone’s favorite witchy comedian, versus the Great Gherkin, the most famous occultist of all time. Which one of them is right about the Constitution and gun control? Which one of them owns a catapult? Which one is the greatest American patriot ever? And which one is just a pot smoking liberal traitor of a hippy? Learn the answers to these important and life-changing questions in this Esoteric Comedy Show special, as well learning why gay wedding cakes are so dangerous.

Now available for your reading pleasure.
Amazon

Amazon UK

Barnes and Noble

Kobo

Smashwords

And iBooks/Apple iTunes store (sorry, I am having a devil of a time trying to locate the sales page link)

ECS Assault With a Deadly Taco sales links

Excerpt:  Of course, now that I am being treated for mental illness...I am no longer eligible to obtain the heights of spiritual development. That is right, I can no longer become the Pope, a President, or a highly advanced “Will live on in a glorious solar body after death—no longer having to come back to Earth” magical guru.

And it is a darn shame. For I really wanted to do one of those jobs. “And I am at least as qualified as they are.”

That is right.

You cannot be Pope and be treated for mental illness at the same time. What is the occasional witch hunt and heresy burning marshmallow night, as long as your spirituality is not being dulled by drugs.

You cannot be President and be treated for mental illness at the same time. What is the occasional witch hunt and heresy burning cocktail sausage night, as long as your nuclear button finger is not being dulled by drugs.

And you cannot be a world-renowned spiritual and magical master and be treated for mental illness at the same time. After all, what is the occasional witch hunt and heresy burning fried chicken and watermelon hexing party, as long as your supreme esoteric wisdom and understanding is not being dulled by drugs.

 And we all know this...
Now available on Amazon. Coming soon to other retailers...
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Friday, February 9, 2018

Everyone loves a parade (Esoteric Comedy Show)

[At an occult convention, a comedian paces back and forth on stage, talking to an audience.]

"Danger Will Seeker! Danger! Trump joke ahead!"

Yes, that is right--it is time to talk about Trump.

Our glorious President, Donald J. Trump...

The world's biggest kid...

Last year, he went to France for a state visit, and he came back home with just one take-away...

He wants a military parade, right down Pennsylvania avenue, in the middle of Washington DC...

Because he was impressed by the Bastille Day parade he saw.

And why shouldn't he be? After all, everyone loves a good parade.

Especially kids.

And President Trump is just a big kid at heart.

I say we give him a military parade.

[Crowd reacts.]

Hear me out. It doesn't matter if you like Trump or not. [Taps side of head.] You might be able to get something out of this.

First off, be grateful that he only wants a parade. He could have wanted things like the ability to guillotine his enemies...

[Mixed reaction from the crowd.]

[Waves hands.] Yes, yes, I know...

"Evil failed journalist liberal comedian bringing shame to the occult convention circuit get their heads chopped off first."

Just remember, we know the history of the French Revolution. The people manning the guillotine, feeding the criminal politic class into the guillotine, ended up getting guillotined themselves. You may think it is a good idea now...

"But not so much when it is your own head coming off!"

Or he could  have insisted that we all learn French because they are good immigrants who would never chop anyone's head off.

I don't know about you. But after a year of high school French, and another year of college French, I still can't say, "Don't you think executing all journalists, comedians, and your political enemies is a bad idea?!?" I presume that I somehow missed that day when that important statement was covered.

Or worse, he could have decided that American national dish is now Barbecued Frogger.

"Mmmm...tasty flat frog, perfectly tenderized by fifteen ton tank, flame broiled with a flame thrower, just perfect for your Fourth of July barbecue. Nom, nom--eat it up."

So he wants a parade...

A parade that is going to cost millions...

For the life of me, I could not find a reasonable estimate on how much it would cost...

But one thing was sure...

Most of the cost would be chewed up by road repairs.

"Who would have guessed that tanks driving down the street would tear up the streets that badly."

And if you got to schedule some money, and the Army Corp of Engineers to fix the street anyways "after the most attended military parade ever," how about we choose a street that already needs repairs?

[Does his Car Model Girl mime as he talks.] "Yes, we are going to have the military parade here...on Pothole Avenue, which is famous for having the most potholes per square mile. Just last week, that pothole over there ate an entire VW van, painted with cheerful flowers and rainbows, and completely packed to the brim with pot smoking hippies. Now that the hippies have fallen into the bottomless trap that we set for them, it is time to Make This Road Great Again! Yes, for the mere cost of a few tanks, some missile trucks, maybe a few planes flying overhead, and a lot of infrastructure money--which we have been promised--we can finally have a really great road. Call it urban renewal. Plus after the tanks finish tearing up the road, we will have no more excuse not to dig up the lead water pipes and replace with gold water pipes, just in time for the many rich people who are going to move to this neighborhood after it becomes the greatest neighborhood in the country. Hail King Trump!"

What?!? Your street doesn't need repairs? Your street is pothole free? Your neighborhood can't use some infrastructure money? How nice it must be to live in a Trump branded neighborhood.

"In the meantime, those poor hippies, they were my friends. Who am I going to smoke pot with now?"

And if we do it right, we could have a military parade every week, in a different neighborhood. "Call it urban renewal."

And Trump will be very happy. For after all, he holds one of the most important jobs in the world--all of which are required to love parades.

[Counts on fingers.] Pope. Required to love parades. Has special car with a bubble top, so that he can wave at the crowds at parades.

President. Required to love parades. And we have a really fine parade lover here. Maybe the most parade loving President ever. I assume that he has a special car to ride in parades. If not, the local car dealership can provide one. They provided one for the homecoming queen to ride in, why not the President?

And Superior Guru of All Things Magical and Occult Worth Knowing. Required to love parades. Has a special SegWay to ride, so they can lead the parade, and be upfront...

Because without them, how would we know what political enemies to hate? They have to lead because...

"The rest of us are idiots who would not know evil from a hole in the ground." [Pauses and makes a puzzled face.] "Why is there a tank parked in that pothole full of hippies?"

Parade loving is right in the job description of the three most important jobs in the world. Otherwise, how do you explain the typical day of someone holding these jobs?

[Does his mime of pounding on a computer keyboard, beating a dead horse, and waving at a crowd while riding a SegWay and leading a parade.]

Now, I will admit that we have to invoke some safety rules for these military parades...

Simply because we can't have the series finale of the Trump Show come too soon.

[Mimes pressing a button, rocket launch, and big mushroom explosion.]

Remember if we don't give him enough attention, he will surprise us with the ultimate surprise.

"And I don't look good in glow-in-the-dark radiation."

First safety rule...

Don't load the guns.

This is important rule for big kids like to press buttons.

[Mimes pressing a button, rocket launch, and big mushroom explosion.]

Second safety rule...

Do not seat him next to my mother.

Let us learn from last year's Fourth of July rodeo parade and barbeque...

For if we sit him next to my mother, we will have an executive order issued the next day, that requires every occultist and witch to be burned at the stake before having our ashes deported to whatever soccer hooligan land we came from.

"United States? No...what if I don't know where my ancestors came from? Oh, launched into space. Nice. Always wanted to visit Mars."

Third safety rule...

Don't let him grope the homecoming queen. Just because she is a beaver with big teeth does not mean that she deserves to be groped. In fact, maybe we should give her a taser. Just to be on the safe side.

[Mimes groping and electric shock therapy.]

Fourth safety rule...

Make sure that he is entertained.

"Otherwise, we might get bombed."

I suggest putting some of his enemies, journalists, hippies, those damned Democrats, in a clown car.

[Mimes smoking pot.] After all, I am quite sure that is where he thinks they come from.

Fifth safety rule...

Do not tell him that the sword wielding Jedi knights are not part of his military. Instead, tell him that we are preparing to fight off an invasion of time traveling octopods from the demonic suns.

"Totally believable man."

Sixth safety rule...

And the most important...

Do not let him examine the tanks too carefully.

After all, we do not want him to realize that we used hippie vans, covered with Styrofoam, chicken wire, cardboard and tissue paper, painted a nice military green, to create some realistic looking tanks, so that we could actually get some of the infrastructure funds promised to my neighborhood.

Now available on Amazon. Coming soon to other retailers...
Want me to write more of this stuff?

Buy a copy of Assault With a Deadly Taco, a show sampler, three "twenty minute shows," at your favorite ebook retailer... {This post was a "ten minute" bit.}

Because buying ebooks is how you encourage writers. And comedians.

Amazon USA

Amazon UK

(also all the other Amazon sub-sites)

Smashwords

Coming soon to Kobo, iBooks, & Barnes and Noble.