Monday, August 28, 2017

Leave those statues alone! (Behold the curse of road rage)

The statue of the burning witch has sat in the center of octagonal St. Catherine Roundabout in Arkham, Massachusetts since before the Declaration of Independence. Cast in bronze, the statue shows the convicted witch, Hesper Payne burning in the exact same spot as her execution in 1692. The only time that it has not graced the roundabout was during the American Revolution War when it was hid away first from the revolutionaries, then the British, who both saw it as a ready source of war material.

Due to it predating the Constitution of the United States, it could not be affected by any federal laws that removed or modified other statues that caused outrage. So it outlasted the Thirteen Satanic Suggestions in Oklahoma, the statue of the god Chevron sitting on oil barrels while eating babies roasted on a pizza in Wyoming, the memorial commemorating Rudolf Hess at the site of the first pro-Nazi speech given in America, the neon-lighted statue of lusty Bacchus in Las Vegas, the Californian statue of Columbus beating to death his GPS with a sledge hammer, the statue of the tentacled time-traveling octopi in Washington D.C., the Statue of Liberty in New York City, and all the Confederate War statues.

In all three Prime Timelines, the statue of of Hesper Payne looks down on the boiling cauldron of road rage which is St. Catherine Roundabout. The curse of Hesper Payne upon the town fathers of Arkham radiates outward along the streets, onto the highways and freeways, infesting the whole United States--"You may have broke me on St. Catherine's wheel, but you too will be broken on thy wheels." 

While in Prime TL 3919117026, Reptilian controlled President Dolly May Ramses and her husband, Bubba "I have a nuclear weapon in my pants!" passed laws that caused all offensive statues and monuments to be torn down, and all offensive flags burned, along with all offensive literature, Hesper Payne looked down upon drivers trapped in rush-hour traffic.

While in Prime TL 52202725, Insectilian controlled President Daniel "Oh Danny!" Katz, the great Stalinian philosopher, insisted that you could have all the offensive flags, literature, statues and monuments as one desired, provided that they were all clearly apologetic, with Confederate flags being required by law to bear the words, "We apologize for slavery. Sorry for the inconvenience." on them in bright and cheerful lettering, Hesper Payne looked down upon the inconveniences caused by road construction.

While in Prime TL 666939, totally non-controlled President Earl Midas "the working man friend," arrested, convicted, jailed and deported anyone who found any righteous war statue, any righteous religious marker, any righteous working man monument, offensive and unbearable, Hesper Payne looked down upon the fully loaded military and police vehicles as their drivers tried to figure out exactly what circle of hell their GPS was sending them to.

Interestingly, in all three Prime Timelines, the family of Buddha Night would show up periodically at Arkham Town Hall, alongside lawyers and pitchfork wielding citizens, and demand that the brass inscription on the base of the statue of Hesper Payne be changed to reflect the sensibilities of the times. So one year, the inscription would be anti-witch, followed by a year of pro-witchness, rapidly followed by a time of pro-Bible sentiment, then a period of anti-Bible, then a period of pro-heresy, et cetera ad nauseous. These periodic protests and demands for righteous change wasted many hours of government time, and filled many of a slow news hour; the protests also resulted in millions of government dollars being wasted, much of which ended up in the bank accounts of the family of Buddha Night, who just happened to own the only plaque and trophy factory in an hundred miles of Arkham.    

Does an apology overcome the offense?

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