Tuesday, August 15, 2017

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To: Jimmie Bob Beggains [OnlyRealFierySunriseOrder@HillBilly.kom]
From: Vittorja d'Aquino [GreatGherkinhasasmallpickle@aol.kom]

Dear Jimmie Bob Beggains, the greatest Rosicrucian Imperator ever, owner and operator of the Esoteric Soar Via Darkness Fiery Sunrise Order and Clown College, and your many wives,

For the crimes of being the most awesome occult teacher in the history of the world, Master of the Sacred Silly Walk, and proud never zealous supporter of the bestest President of the United States of America, Earl Midas, I hereby serve you notice that the Caring Order of the Midnight Singing Feline plans on assassinating you with a tire full of bovine end products and rabid lemmings. We hate you, and your millions and millions of loyal followers (though we could not find the address of a single one of them), and firmly suspect that you all suffer Superior Tradition Disorder, due to the nature of how you obtained your superior knowledge and position.

Furthermore, we consider it high treason and heresy for you to reveal super-duper oath-bound for millennium occult secrets, such as "You will go blind if you stare at the sun too long," and "If you wear white national garb long enough, even if it is for hipster irony, people will think that you are a fascist," and "All spells are better with a little egg rubbed in your wanker."

In addition...

[Chronicler's note: Truncated to avoid torturing any more pixels or eyeballs. Seriously, the sample went on for another ninety-two pages--who has time to read all that?!? But given how many ads they take out, someone must be reading and paying for the service. You won't just do this to look important, would you?]

Sincerely, Vittorja d'Aquino, the Great Gherkin's favorite hand puppet.

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2 comments:

Imperator David Griffin said...

Yawn. Come on Morgan. Even though you have always been lame, at least you were funny. Now you are not even funny.
If you want to continue to be my paparazzo, do a better job. Lame paparazzi suck.

Morgan Eckstein said...

If you want to continue to inspire chapters for my satire novel, just keep doing what you are doing.