Missing Nostradamus prophecies rediscovered (humor--not to be taken seriously)

When the seventh Century (a collection of one hundred prophecies) of Michel de Nostredame, better known as Nostradamus, was published, only the first forty-two quatrains were published. The remaining fifty-two prophecies were lost. Exactly what happened to the missing fifty-two has been a question ever since. But like all things occult, eventually the world's greatest occultist, the Great Gherkin, revealed that he had them.

"Hidden for centuries, the deepest secrets of Nostradamus are finally revealed. Exclusively given to me by the guardians of humanity, the Secret Chiefs have authorized me to reveal the missing prophecies for the first time."

"Nostradamus was the greatest seer of all time, and I am humbled to reveal what he had predicted centuries ago about the history of the United States. For instance, the drama of the Civil War was predicted by Nostradamus, as well as the hardship that our beloved President Earl Midas has been suffering. The Deep State, Fake News, and Antifa beware! Nostradamus predicted that our courageous President will defeat his enemies with my help. Give up your black magic and join the winning side!"

Translated from the Old French:

VII.71:

Cylons cause righteous rebellion
Northern hordes, fields burning
Unshod soldiers cause horrible defeat
Silver House Prince assassinated.

"From this quatrain, we learn that the Confederate South was the righteous party in the American Civil War. Cylons in Greek history were slaves who wrongfully rebelled against their wiser Greek masters. In this quatrain, we read of the horrible tactic used by the criminal North, of burning fields to rob the South of their wealth. Furthermore, we read here of how the South was defeated when General Robert E. Lee, the great Southern humanitarian, tried to find shoes and boots for his men. The last line refers to the assassination to that traitor of humanity, Abraham Lincoln--may wild beasts piss on his grave."

VII.55:

Brother against brother unhealed
Cylons troublesome equality demanded
Marble knights remembrance confines
Secret judges pale robed and righteous

"Here we hear from Nostradamus about his vision for the defeated South, its wounds unhealed due to the interference of the North. Cylons demand equal rights under law, despite the fact that they are subhuman. In response to the North's imposing of evil laws on the South, secret judges organized and placed powerful magical protections around the South, to remind the former soldiers of their righteous, and to help confine the evil Cylons to their proper place in society."

VII.86:

Marble knights scattered and defaced
Cleo rewritten, blame wrongfully placed
Golden Prince salutes hooked cross
Armageddon unleashed, thoughts battling

"Here we read of the unlawful and unethical removal of Southern history, as well as the South's protections from the evil sorcerers who have controlled the North since before the Civil War. Removing the monuments to the great Southern fighting man rewrites history, and tries to claim that the North was the righteous party. Our beloved President-for-Life is seen by the great prophet saluting the righteous defenders of the flower of the South. Those who seek to rewrite history need to remember that we are willing to unleash Armageddon to remain free from the Thought Police."

VII.38:

Golden Prince besieghed mightily
Vulcan and Athena opposing, pawns
Bribes, spies, traitors, revolutionaries
Surrounding by thirteen armies

"Here we read of the evil forces trying to prevent our beloved President from accomplishing his will to make America in the image of his followers. There are two sides here, opposed to one another, one righteous, one evil--the honest working man represented by Vulcan, the factory worker of the gods, and the evil Thought Police represented by the whore demoness Athena, evil patron of academic sorcerers and Social Justice Warriors. The final line of thirteen armies sounds worse than the reality, for only thirteen weak covens oppose the grand plan that we voted our beloved President to enact. They will be crushed as another quatrain reveals."

VII.94:

False chroniclers arrested, mines exploded
Golden Prince victorious, alive forever
Renowned Adept at his right hand
Traitorous witches burned in Silver Garden 

"Here the mightiest and most accurate prophet in the history of humankind reveals the victory of President Earl Midas over his enemies. The Fake News, their puppets, the insipid journalists, who ride the short bus to work, and well as the Deep State, their puppet masters, are destroyed. President Midas, a great alchemist will drink of the elixir of life, the creation of which has been entrusted to me by the Secret Chiefs, and will live forever, bringing our country into a new Golden Age. And I will be the sword by his side, helping to destroy those who seek to bind him and prevent him from remaking the country, nay, the world, in the righteous image planned out by the secret guardians of humanity. Those evil witches who acted against him will be tried and convicted, then burned in the front garden of the White House. Come join our righteous cause, help us protect President Earl Midas, and restore humanity to its proper place in the universe."

Mugshots of llamas--victims of black magicians poisoning your minds and rewriting history.