Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Zealots Dictionary (Blast from the Past)

[This post was originally published in May 2008. It is as true today as when I originally wrote it.]

Golden Dawn: An esoteric Order that was both formed in 1888 and predates the Victorian Era. Its rituals and instructions are both at the pinnacle of spiritual purity and the rock bottom of black magic. The writings detailing the Order both completely reveal and obscure every important fact concerning the Great Work of the Order; especially suspect are documents meant for the eyes of its own members, none of which can be trusted. The system is ruled by four hundred Secret Chiefs, also known as the Third Order of Curly Fries; all of them are liars and deceivers and always tell the truth; none of the Secret Chiefs allow themselves to be known by more than one lunatic at a time, who they authorize to ruin and destroy a select group of rivals while fleecing their own for beer and taco money in their name; furthermore each Secret Chief insists that they are the One and Only True Secret Chief. The Order has been completely destroyed (1900, 1901, 1904, 1909, 1913, 1937, 1978, 1984, 1994, 1999, and yesterday) and continues to survive until this day. The best advice that a Zealot can follow about the Order, besides welding their wallet shut, is to read none of the writers who use or reveal any of its system of buggery, nor compose or recite any love poetry to any of its members, and always cross the street as soon as you notice one of its members walking down the avenue towards you.

Black Magic: Any magic that employs techniques that you have not mastered to manifest goals that you find morally repulsive. In general, any magic practiced by a rival magician.

White Magic: The act of attempting to change the universe by just thinking loving thoughts at it, generally ineffective against any problem or creature larger than a ladybug.

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