Saturday, April 29, 2017

You have survived 100 days of Trump (accomplishment unlocked)

Congratulations America! You have survived the first hundred days of President Donald J. Trump! Have a cookie. Or three. Boxes, that is---because you still have 1361 days to go. Or 2822 days, if he gets re-elected (and you know that he is going to). And 4283 days, if his fans insist on him getting a third term, which they will because he is the greatest American President ever (who cares about what the Constitution says about Presidential term limits--it is Trump!).

Be proud of your President--we are still alive!
We all know that Trump kept all his campaign promises, just like we knew he would, and we all now have unicorns (very fluffy unicorns--they are the best unicorns ever!).

Here was Trump's plan for his first hundred days.
It is amazing how much he has accomplished in the first hundred days: The middle class has been saved. Products and goods sold in America are only made in America by American workers who get paid decent wages. We are awash in energy from coal--and green energy is gone forever. The environment is protected, and we got rid of that Chinese hoax called Global Warming. Our children are properly educated; our teachers well-paid. Obamacare is gone--replaced with the best health care ever with reasonable insurance premiums for everyone. Both children and elders are well-cared for; both having lots of food and hugs. There are no more illegal immigrants, who all left the country of their own free-will--plus we have the most beautiful Southern Border Wall, and construction is about to start on the Northern Border Wall to keep those evil Canadians out. Terrorism is a thing of the past. All non-Christians in America have accepted Jesus into their hearts, therefore we don't have to burn anyone at the stake. Our neighborhoods are safe, drug-free, and full of good guys with guns. There are no longer any spies or hackers inflicting harm on Americans. And best of all, corruption in government no longer exists. It is the greatest economic boom time that the country has ever seen with civil liberties for all good boys and girls.

Trump promised great things, and boy did he deliver. When he said that Americans would win so much that we would get tired of winning--boy was he right--I am tried of all the winning that the President has accomplished.

Oh wait, that is what my mother thought he would accomplish.

President Trump draws a cat--and America is so proud of him.
What has he actually accomplished? Well, he drew a cat--or was that Fake News? He hasn't started World War Three...yet. He provided lots of material for protestors and comedians to work with. He has written lots of midnight bathroom tweets (ok, the tweets did not go live at midnight [more like three in the morning], and I have no proof that he is tweeting from the bathroom--but this is my story, and this is how I am telling it). He has called a lot of politicians, journalists, celebrities, and judges out for disagreeing with his idea that he can do whatever he wants to do. And he has annoyed the leaders of every country in the world.

Not bad for his first hundred days. Here I was expecting public lynchings and witch burnings, nuclear explosions, and the worst economic depression since Ogg decided that all the world really belonged to him because he had the biggest club in the cave.

But if you are still concerned about Trump, there is always the monthly witchcraft ritual to bind his orange ass, because while the other branches of the government are slowing him down, one cannot be too cautious when you are one of the people that his policies are guaranteed to hurt. 

For full text of Global Binding Ritual of Trump, click here. 

For a full list of future Bind Trump dates, click here. 

No comments: