ECS Free Guns For Everyone (Lap Cats Are Good Too) sales links

“Marge, have you read this?”

“Sue Ann, read what?”

“There is a pecker wood in Colorado, who thinks he knows more about the dangers of guns and gun control laws than us super-smart New Jerseyians.”

“Really? Who?”

“Mad Uncle Morgan.”

“Who’s he?”

“He is that comedian bloke that the Great Gherkin says is a paid hater and troll, and who is being controlled by the time traveling octopods from outer space.”

“Sue Ann, who is the Great Gherkin?”

“Oh Marge, you know, the Great Gherkin is just some guy, an unpopular Big Name Occultist with a patented success system.”

“Patented success system?”

“Yeah, pick a popular cause, trademark it, and charge bigly fees for people to ride on the same parade float as he does.”

“Are you sure that the Great Gherkin is not actually the President of the United States?”

“D’oh!”

It is Mad Uncle Morgan, everyone’s favorite witchy comedian, versus the Great Gherkin, the most famous occultist of all time. Which one of them is right about the Constitution and gun control? Which one of them owns a catapult? Which one is the greatest American patriot ever? And which one is just a pot smoking liberal traitor of a hippy? Learn the answers to these important and life-changing questions in this Esoteric Comedy Show special, as well learning why gay wedding cakes are so dangerous.

Now available for your reading pleasure.

Amazon

Amazon UK

Barnes and Noble

Kobo

Smashwords

And iBooks/Apple iTunes store (sorry, I am having a devil of a time trying to locate the sales page link)

Bring out your I need a machine gun for self defense arguments (Las Vegas terrorist act)

We interrupt my blogcation to bring you some thoughts about the latest bit of gun violence in the United States.

Last night in Las Vegas, there was a mass shooting incident. The news broke before I went to bed, but I decided to wait until morning to write this post (in hopes of having better information). As I write this, the latest death toll figure is fifty-eight dead and a couple of hundred people injured--and the number is still climbing. So if I understand it properly, a sniper with an automatic weapon (I heard "machine gun") opened fire from a upper story hotel window unto a crowd at a concert two hundred yards away.

I have already seen the knee-jerk NRA self-defense argument that a plane, a car, a bomb, evil voodoo, could do the same amount of damage. Honestly, this argument does not hold for this incident, due to the difficulties of delivering said items to their target. And in this situation, with its security, if you wanted to to generate high causality numbers, your best bet was a machine gun or a rocket. And the last time I checked rockets are harder to obtain than guns.

(For those who are curious, I spent a lot of time studying the terror act of attempting to assassinate Adolf Hitler--the problem was delivering the bomb to the target. [Not that I view it as an act of terrorism, but some people do...and some of them are nice people, according to our President and his fan club.]  I have studied this problem and have came to the conclusion that bullets are easier to deliver to certain target-rich environments.)

I also have seen the knee-jerk "good guy with a gun" argument. Are you really telling me that no one attending a country music concert in Las Vegas had a gun? It is an open-carry state--there had to be dozens of guns there.

On top of this, I have also seen the "We need guns to protect ourselves from Hillary Clinton and Obama seizing power" argument. (At first, I thought that it was a tasteless joke, then I realized that the person was being serious--they really think that Clinton and Obama are going to overthrow the government of Donald Trump--a fact that I discovered from their wall; they have been screaming this ever since the election.)

So the gun freedom nuts are already out in force defending their right to obtain a machine gun and open fire on an innocent crowd. Or in this case, other people's ability to do such.

And all this reminds me of the satire I am writing.

In my satire, there is a series of domestic terror attacks; each being worse than the previous. And a talking head on FOX News screaming, "the right to keep and bear arms"--and in the end, arguing that they need to be allowed to keep nuclear weapons, so they can defend themselves from terrorists and the government.

I did mention that this was a satire, right?

By the way, I don't want my satire to based on reality. But people will argue that it is. (In my story, it is a sniper overlooking Times Square on New Year's Eve.)

Nor did I want a new benchmark of the level of violence (death toll) that we are willing to tolerate because we must have our phallus-extending guns. My old benchmark was Sandy Hook--if we could not get a reform of gun control laws in this country after Sandy Hook, then it would never happen. (This is also something I play with in my satire---having an incident of a thousand people not being enough to tilt the balance.) Now, the official benchmark is fifty-eight dead, two hundred injured--possibly higher--and we still are going to allow the NRA tell us that we are not allowed to keep guns out of the hands of crazy people.

It is a sad day when my satire starts to look more reasonable than what is actually going on. Good job, America.

Sorry, I think that we have a problem here.

Correct political thought does not equal magical skill and ability (and vice versa)

On any given day, you can find some self-declared Big Name Occultist (or Magician, or Witch, or Shaman, or Mystic, or...I could go on for hours) loudly proclaiming that some respected or better known occultist said something that is politically wrong, and therefore is a Offender. This is followed by the BNO's own beloved supporters declaring that they will never buy another book by said Offender, will defriend them on Facebook, defollow them on other social media sites, and leave any forums moderated by such an evil Offender. And this is how it should be because the Offender cannot be a real occultist if they hold such erroneous political views.

How a numpty thinks Adeptship works vs the harsh reality.

Quite simply, there are some numpties that believe that Adeptship (or their tradition equivalent) means that one has the correct political views, is of the correct religion and virtue, and has a certain level of perceived magical skill (which can range from none at all to being able to raise the dead) that is always heavily advertised by those who have it.

In other words, as far as the Numpty is concerned, Adepts think exactly like they do. And that Adepts will give them cookies for being as brilliant as the Adepts are (if not fall over themselves bowing down to the Numpty's superior wisdom--for all numpties know that they are the most advanced magician and mystic in the world).

It is just too bad that it is easy to fake all three requirements if you are a sociopath. Just like voters fall for politicians who are not anything like they claim to be, numpties fall for and support occultists who are faking their political beliefs (or at least radically relabeling them for public consumption), would not know the mysteries of religion if they got bit in the butt by one, have vastly overstated their magical ability and knowledge, and have all the virtues of a Mars bar without all the tasty sugar.

Numpties prefer to have Adepts defined by these requirements, mainly because they themselves might be able to claim Adeptship someday if they only have to master their talking points, parroting the "correct" answers that their own future followers will go ape over.

Never mind the fact that there are some a**h***s who believe that Adeptship is rooted in actual initiationary experiences (such as actually undergoing the initiation rituals), arcane lore, and at least enough magical ability to hex one's way out of a wet paper bag. The opinions of a**h***s don't count, only the howling of the courageous wolves of occultism, who should never be mistaken for sheep, not alone the lemmings that the more dubious occult leaders treat them as.

Remember that real Adepts think exactly as you think they should.

Big Name Occultists would not be so upset about the Offenders, if they would only shut the f**k up and quit breathing. And the numpties would not be so upset if they did not desire one day to lead their own horde of lemmings. Because if there is one thing that an Offender is good at, it is not recognizing the true occult geniuses in their midst.

This lack of recognition is why Big Name Occultists have to tell you all the evil stuff that Offenders do, such as misreading the Bill of Rights, voting for the wrong politician, believing that sexual offenders have no place in the esoteric Orders (or politics for that matter) and deserve a good binding.

If the Big Name Occultists don't do this, the Numpty might accidentally start believing the other falsehoods that such Offenders spread, such as: pointing out that certain parties did not actually undergo the initiation rituals of their tradition, only know the mysteries of using a photocopier and bovine end-product generators, and quite frankly could not hex their way out of a wet paper bag if they had to.

If the Offenders were true occultists, they would totally agree with everything that the Big Name Occultist did. Sue your competition into extinction--fine. Rebel and claim that your teacher had no ethics (or rather the wrong ones)--excellent. Make up a totally bogus lineage and set of teachings--good god man, I must have some of that; take my money please!!!

Annoy someone important--buy this banned by BNO book.

The evil of Offenders is so dangerous that if the numpties don't scream bloody murder on their own, the Big Name Occultists would have to create lists of banned books, magazines, blogs, podcasts, videos, and websites that their followers are not allowed to read. And you can tell that the Big Name Occultist is protecting you because hey, if the Offender can't get their political ideas and religious beliefs in order, how could they possible know anything about the occult?

Or you could just presume that you already know everything.

And numpties are quite happy with this, for they know that they already know everything. There is nothing that an Offender can teach them. In fact, the only reason that the Numpty puts up with the Big Name Occultist is that they recognize the greatness of the the Numpty.

I am not saying this is why the occult world can't have nice things...

Now, I can hear you say, "Dear Uncle Morgan, you express political ideas all the time; surely you think people should agree with you."

Yeah, but they don't--that is why I have to keep repeating myself. Besides occasionally I am wrong about politics...because my magical skill and ability and evil magical lore gives me the exact level of knowledge about politics as it does about gasoline engines; in other words, none at all. Everything I know about politics came from watching my parents volunteer and canvas for political candidates and listening to my dad's comments about what we heard on talk show radio on long trips. That and watching Nixon announce that he was resigning (sad when your first memory of a President is of the forty-fourth worst President)...which made me believe that all politicians are corrupt in one fashion or another. And reading and watching stuff about politics. I had to work hard to know as little as I do about politics unlike Big Name Occultists who get a completely perfect and correct set of political and religious ideas in the same Cracker Jack box that they received their Grade of Most Advanced Occultist Ever from. 

Just like you should not judge my magical ability based on my politics, you should not judge my politics on how much I have suffered in the name of magic and the mysteries. I would still be a nasty evil witch even if I agreed with your political and religious opinions.

Besides I wanted to make a living as a newspaper columnist--but somehow ended up making jokes about occultists instead. (Honestly, I have no idea how it happened--one day, I realized that I had spent an hour comparing a Big Name Occultist to a novelty condom and was too lazy to hit Delete.) You wouldn't deny me my dreams, would you? If Emma Bombeck could make jokes about suburban life and raising a family and still have political opinions,  why can't I make jokes about the esoteric traditions and the strange people that I encounter while pursing the mysteries and still have political opinions? It is not like I am asking to be the Head of your esoteric tradition...that would be the job of your favorite Big Name Occultist--all I am asking is to do is to be allowed to tell funny stories, to convince you to care enough about politics to get involved and at least vote, and teach you to be suspicious of anyone who claims to be the True Head of All of the Mysteries and Esoteric Traditions.

Obligatory apology about how we are misjudging you for the Numpty that you ain't.

Of course, it should be noted that I am on a few Banned lists. Because of my politics? Because I think numpties can learn? Because I mock Big Name Occultists and their traditions? Who knows?

And as such, I should be apologizing for my Offending Ways. Not that I am good at apologizes. The last one I write read something like this:

"On the behalf of the group, I would like to apologize for not recognizing that you are the most important person in the world. You see, we are bitter old hags who had to work hard for the little bit of recognition that we have received. We were not allowed to walk in with a sweet a** story, and declare ourselves the most important person in the world. No, we had to kill someone, and help someone else hide a body or two. This makes us happy little cynics. So when you walk in with your special snowflakish, all we want to flush your various body parts down a toilet. It is nothing personal--it is just how the world works. As a sign of apology, let me buy you a drink of poison."

Now imagine that I am apologizing for my wrong political and religious ideas.

Do you feel better?

No.

Well, I guess you are going to have to agree with your Fearless Leader and fire me as an occult authority.

Remember that you have to think exactly like your Fearless Leader if you want to become an Adept.

Tired of mass shootings (dammit I do not want to blog again on this subject)

I just got a news ping that another mass shooting happened. I was minding my own business (taking a  break, playing Angry Birds, and jotting down notes for my October "blog vacation" project), and PING! "Two dead, four wounded in library shooting..."

And the first thought though my mind was "Oh god, I don't want to blog about gun violence again, and the need for laws to keep guns out of the hands of crazy people."

The second thought was "My counterpart on the other side of the issue, 'gun make us less likely to be killed in a mass shooting,' probably does not want to have to talk about his position again either."

(Sorry David.)

Dammit people, quit shooting people in libraries, schools, theaters, malls, and other places where large number of innocent people gather! Leave that to the terrorists.

Honestly, I am not sure that I would care so much about guns and gun control laws, if we didn't have a mass shooting every day (it seems like it is every day) in a location that me and my wife might get caught in.

And I am not so sure that my counterpart would be so gungho about everyone needing to be armed, including my grandmother, if we were not awash in mass shootings.

(Sorry David.)

There is actually a chance that me and my counterpart could come to an agreement on guns and gun control, if mass shootings were removed from the problem.

So dammit, quit shooting people by the dozen!

We should really be talking about the suicides--not mass shootings.

Keep calm and carry a beer (Saluting the British)

You can tell a lot about a country's psyche by how they react in a crisis.


And I have to admit that I love the British. (And the Aussies--I also love the Aussies.)


One of the iconic images out of yesterday's terrorism attack on London Bridge was a guy carrying a beer as he walked to safety. Brits--I salute you.

Keep calm and carry a beer.

And in the meantime, there are those in the United States screaming that this is why we need a Muslim ban, more guns, and to kick all the immigrants and colored people out of the country. Plus we have a Cheeto screaming that the mayor of London was far too calm when he pointed out that citizens were going to see more police on the street. Obviously, the soul of America is actually quite insecure and paranoid, and has a major fetish for guns.


(By the way, the reason that the Islamic State [aka ISIS, aka ISIL, aka the bastards that want to see all the "Crusaders" dead] asked for their agents to use trucks and knives was that there are a shortage of guns in Britain. If more guns were available, the terrorists would have used them...and the number of dead would have been in the double digits. Maybe, there is something to be said about not having every Tom, Dick and Harry armed with assault rifles.)


Of course, the British attitude towards all this is totally unacceptable. Just like the statement that London Mayor Sadiq Khan (oh my God, how could you elect a Muslim?!? screams the American patriot) made awhile back:


"Part and parcel of living in a great global city [like London] is you've got to be vigilant, you've got to support the police doing an incredibly hard job. That means being vigilant, having a police force that is in touch with communities, it means security services being ready, but it also means exchanging ideas and best practice."


Oh my god, not once did he mention the average Betty and Barney carrying a gun. Not once did he ask for a Muslim ban. Not once did he asked for a yugly big fence. And your average American patriot is going to claim this is why they suffer much more terrorism than we do in the United States.


And remember that only Radical Islamic Terrorism counts as terrorism--just ignore every wacked out White American Christian that shots a lot of people in public.


(Oh, the only thing I dislike so far about the English reaction is that their Prime Minister is now calling for the internet to be policed, so that terrorists are not able to put out action calls. This, at least, will be embraced by every gun nut in the United States who believe that liberals and bloggers like myself are terrorists and should be allowed to post our opinions. The Cheeto-in-Chief is totally going to call for a yugly big wall around the internet as soon as he hears about that idea.)

My top ten blog posts for May 2017

It is the end of the month and it is time for me to look at the top ten blog posts for the month...because I am a blogger, and wonder exactly what blog posts my readers are reading.


But first, an honorable mention--my Tarot Blog Hop post for May, which based on pure numbers actually should be in the top ten--but Blogger seems to weigh older posts heavier (for reasons that are beyond my understanding). The Tarot Blog Hop was about combining divinatory systems, but I spent more time talking about my fiery Mercury. [Mix and match divination]


Coming is at number ten is a post about a child shooting his own mother...which gun freedom nuts are perfectly ok with--because Guns are Great!!! [Child terrorists shoots his own mother]


Number nine is occupied by my post about how the global bind Donald Trump ritual was affecting the views of my July Fourth 2016 video talking about binding Donald Trump. That's right, I was binding Donald Trump before it became the cool "satanic" and witchy thing to do. [Why the spike in video views?]


Number eight was the ritual script for the global witchcraft binding ritual of President Donald Trump and all his little pals. It is so sad that Trump didn't get better ratings. Help him get better views by screaming at people that witchcraft is evil. [Global binding ritual of Trump]


Number seven was an advertisement for my wife's mortar and pestles. Yes, it was an advert, but it still counts as being a popular blog post. [New mortar and pestles available on Etsy]


Number six was my Earth Day post reminding people not to toss old hoses into the recycling bin, and not to use the brains of dubious occult leaders when they design new esoteric systems. [Do not recycle the Abby Normal brain]


And roaring into number five is Trump! That's right--not happy with just two slots on this hit parade, President Trump grabs a third as I talk about what Trump accomplished in his first hundred days in office, and what my mom thought he was going to accomplish--oh, the bitter disappointment. [Congrats! You survived the first hundred days of Trump]


And not happy with just three slots, Trump strikes again, taking spot number four by doing something totally legit and awesome--firing the director of the FBI. Yes, nothing to see there--move along. [Trump restores confidence in the FBI]


But just when you thought that occult news could not trend and get readers, an old post (two and a half years old) about the arrest of the Living God, E.A. Koetting grabs number three. Honestly, this post performs month after month, just proving that some people do actually use Google to check out occult authorities and personalities. Let's give a big round of applause to the Living God for continuing to generate traffic. [Thoughts on the arrest of E.A. Koetting]


And just when you thought that we were done with Trump, he inspires a post about how his treatment of secrecy and his midnight rage tweets reminds me of all the good times we have had with dubious occult teachers and leaders using the concept of secrecy to cover their asses and the their revealing of others' dirty laundry to destroy their enemies. Go Trump! Or is this more about dubious occult leaders? Go Great Gherkin and Jimmie Bob Beggains! Either way, it is our number two for the month of May. [Secrets declassified--the Golden Dawn edition]


So who is going to grab post number one of the month? Is it going to be some random post talking about nonsense? Maybe an occult lore piece? Can the dubious occult leaders win the day? Or will it be the last President of the United States?


And the answer found in an old mayo jar sitting on the help desk of Blogger is...


Dubious occult leaders!!!


Yes, in a surprise win, dubious occult leaders using lineage to prove that they are truly Wiccan Elders and the greatest occult authorities ever beats out President Donald Trump! Who would have guessed it? No one saw that one coming. Stand tall dubious occult leaders, you are still the number one reason that I blog. [Lineage dost not make an Elder]

Using militias as security (oh what a wonderful idea)

Should militias be allowed to serve as security for public events? That's a question that came up last night after those nasty liberals started to call for Alt-right and pro-guns-for-everyone groups to cancel their events in Portland after a racist insult screaming Nazi saluting white person decided to kill a minority--and someone suggested that these groups should still be allowed their events provided that the groups provided extra security using militias.

You just can't make this stuff up in America. Damn you America, isn't my job writing satire hard enough without you actually making wacky suggestions?!?

Basically, these hate groups (hey, they fit the profile despite their claims that they are looking out for the real Americans...who just all happen to be gun carrying white people who believe all minorities and non-Christians should be expelled from the United States for not believing in their gun-toting white Jesus) believe that evil dirty traitorous liberals should not be allowed free speech, especially when they are protesting against the ideals of a pure white (a hundred percent white, get your ass out of here you nasty brown colored witch) society.

And the idea that they should be allowed to use a militia for security at their events, full of screaming that brown people are the children of the devil and need to be kicked out of the United States (if not outright killed by tasty poison gas and lovely shiny bullets), just makes me shudder at what would be the natural outcome...mainly, a bunch of liberals and minorities being shot dead because they used their freedom of speech to say that the United States is built on the concept of the melting pot, and that minorities and non-Christians also have basic human rights in this country.

Now, I am not saying that militias can't do the job successfully. After all, the Brown Shirts, a militia, did a bang-up job protecting their fearless leader and his gang during the glory days of Nazi Germany. But that kinda proves my point, that it is a really bad idea...not that White Only America supporters would care how that turned out to be bad for gays, Jews, and other minorities--after all, White Only America believes that Adolf Hitler had the right idea.

As always feel free to tell me how my liberal witch ass needs to be burnt at the stake for having Jewish ancestors and not worshiping the idea of a pure white America like our founding fathers intended.

Cat Militia will defend your right to steal your human's bacon!

You have survived 100 days of Trump (accomplishment unlocked)

Congratulations America! You have survived the first hundred days of President Donald J. Trump! Have a cookie. Or three. Boxes, that is---because you still have 1361 days to go. Or 2822 days, if he gets re-elected (and you know that he is going to). And 4283 days, if his fans insist on him getting a third term, which they will because he is the greatest American President ever (who cares about what the Constitution says about Presidential term limits--it is Trump!).

Be proud of your President--we are still alive!

We all know that Trump kept all his campaign promises, just like we knew he would, and we all now have unicorns (very fluffy unicorns--they are the best unicorns ever!).

Here was Trump's plan for his first hundred days.

It is amazing how much he has accomplished in the first hundred days: The middle class has been saved. Products and goods sold in America are only made in America by American workers who get paid decent wages. We are awash in energy from coal--and green energy is gone forever. The environment is protected, and we got rid of that Chinese hoax called Global Warming. Our children are properly educated; our teachers well-paid. Obamacare is gone--replaced with the best health care ever with reasonable insurance premiums for everyone. Both children and elders are well-cared for; both having lots of food and hugs. There are no more illegal immigrants, who all left the country of their own free-will--plus we have the most beautiful Southern Border Wall, and construction is about to start on the Northern Border Wall to keep those evil Canadians out. Terrorism is a thing of the past. All non-Christians in America have accepted Jesus into their hearts, therefore we don't have to burn anyone at the stake. Our neighborhoods are safe, drug-free, and full of good guys with guns. There are no longer any spies or hackers inflicting harm on Americans. And best of all, corruption in government no longer exists. It is the greatest economic boom time that the country has ever seen with civil liberties for all good boys and girls.

Trump promised great things, and boy did he deliver. When he said that Americans would win so much that we would get tired of winning--boy was he right--I am tried of all the winning that the President has accomplished.

Oh wait, that is what my mother thought he would accomplish.

President Trump draws a cat--and America is so proud of him.

What has he actually accomplished? Well, he drew a cat--or was that Fake News? He hasn't started World War Three...yet. He provided lots of material for protestors and comedians to work with. He has written lots of midnight bathroom tweets (ok, the tweets did not go live at midnight [more like three in the morning], and I have no proof that he is tweeting from the bathroom--but this is my story, and this is how I am telling it). He has called a lot of politicians, journalists, celebrities, and judges out for disagreeing with his idea that he can do whatever he wants to do. And he has annoyed the leaders of every country in the world.

Not bad for his first hundred days. Here I was expecting public lynchings and witch burnings, nuclear explosions, and the worst economic depression since Ogg decided that all the world really belonged to him because he had the biggest club in the cave.

But if you are still concerned about Trump, there is always the monthly witchcraft ritual to bind his orange ass, because while the other branches of the government are slowing him down, one cannot be too cautious when you are one of the people that his policies are guaranteed to hurt. 

For full text of Global Binding Ritual of Trump, click here. 

For a full list of future Bind Trump dates, click here. 

Child terrorist shoots his own mother (yay for gun freedom)

"The accidental shooting of Jamie Gilt [shot by her own four-year old son who picked us the gun left by his mother on backseat of their car] is the object lesson that my absurd nation deserves. When even supposed gun safety experts cannot keep themselves safe from their own toddlers, we should take that as an unequivocal reminder that guns are inherently dangerous. They are exploding projectile machines designed specifically for killing. And that’s not bleeding-heart hyperbole – it’s the explicit reason why many people are drawn to them. Cowboy games. Vigilante justice. Power.

America does not get to claim some hypercivilised global high ground when we foster – legislatively and culturally – a system in which incidents such as Gilt’s are not just possible, but inevitable."--Lindy West

[And yes, this columnist cites the fact that in 2015, more people were shot and killed by toddlers than by terrorists--let the wailing begin about the sacred right to carry guns to defend oneself from bad people like me, a dirty liberal hippy, along with the cries that this is Fake News--Sad!]

You can read the rest of this commentary on the Guardian news-site. 

Remember that gun freedom means that every toddler must be armed with a gun.

Are binding spells evil? (Especially if it is binding President Trump)

One of the objections that I have encountered about the idea of binding President Trump and his administration is the idea that because binding spells seek to restrict their actions, binding spells are automatically black magic full of evil intent.

In other words, if it is the Trump's administration's will to destroy religious freedom and civil rights while making the worthless poor give more money to the rich, then we just have to sit here and soak up the damage like good little wage-slaves--because it is Trump's True Will.

By the logic of "it is wrong to try to derail the True Will of another person," we are not allowed any magic at all. So you are not allowed to protect yourselves against rapists, murderers, terrorists, abusive relationships, evil (or just plain incompetent self-serving) politicians because you might stop them from fulfilling their True Will.

Or to put it in really simple terms, in order to allow them to fulfill their True Will, you have to willingly be a victim. Yes, your True Will is supposed to be all about letting others walk all over you, causing whatever injury they like to you because we don't want to hurt someone else trying to fulfill their own True Will. 

(For the one person who does not know why I keep capitalizing "True Will": It is a concept that was popularized by the late great occultist Aleister Crowley. Essentially, you are on the Earth to fulfill some purpose, and that is your True Will. And your only right is to fulfill that True Will. Unfortunately, many people have used the concept to argue that whatever whim they currently feel is their True Will. Want to divorce your wife? True Will. Want to not pay your bills? True Will. Want to call other people names? True Will. Want to use nuclear weapons? True Will. And because it is your True Will, no one else can tell you that you are wrong. Plus they have to let you do it, no matter what the consequences. Neat, isn't it? You can be a total bastard, causing harm to lots of other people, and be fulfilling your life's purpose at the same time.)

The punchline of this objection to the Global Binding Ritual of the orange ferret-wearing shitgibbon is that some of the very people who have put forth this objection have done public and private rituals to limit the actions of other people.

Laundry list time!!! Rites to restrict the actions of the leaders of other spiritual groups (sometimes, violent rites using watermelons); global rites to restrict ISIL and protect the women and witches living in their domain; rituals to protect clean water and prevent oil pipelines (opps, you were wrong to do that, according to the Great and Powerful Donald "Jesus" Trump); rites to protect gun rights; rites to make politicians overturn the right for women to have abortions; rituals to stop people from committing terrorism and murders; rituals to...well, you get the point.

And if you follow the logic of "you can't restrict the will of another person," then society is not allowed to have prisons, schools, laws and regulations, or even a f***ing government in the first place.

"But Trump was elected by the American people..." Or maybe he was elected by the Russians. Either way, over half the votes went to the other candidate. And many of the promises that Trump used to get elected, he has no intention of fulfilling--because it might interfere with his desire to make himself and his friends even richer and more in control than they already are.

"But we would have not protested if Hillary won..." says those who were openly talking about pressing their Representatives to investigate and impeach Hillary Clinton if she won the election, who talked about going out in the streets and screaming at her until she did exactly want they wanted her to do (resign from the presidency), who talked about being willing to take up arms and fight a civil war to remove her from power if she became President.

No, no, no.

The problem here is not that binding spells are automatically evil and the protests wrong. It is the fact that we are binding someone that they feel is somehow going to make them rich and powerful while getting rid of all those nasty people who do not think like they do. They would have been perfectly fine binding Hillary (in fact, many talked about doing exactly that if she won), but we are not allowed to touch their poster child of whatever privilege they cling to.

Double standard, much?!?

If Trump decides to summon Cthulhu, you are not allowed to do anything about it--because it is Trump, and he can do whatever he wants in his quest to destroy reality as we know it. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!!! Trump nom kav!!! Cthulhu nom kav Trump!!!

Dates for future Global Bind Donald J. Trump rituals 

[Asterisked * dates are slightly moved from the last quarter crescent moon to occur on significant dates.]

2017

February 24; March 26; April 24; May 23; *June 21* (*Summer Solstice*); July 21; August 19; September 18; October 17; November 16; December 16

I think that the Cthulhu R'lyeh chant is a nice touch.

2018

January 14; February 13; March 15; April 13; June 11; July 11; August 9; September 7; October 7; November 5; December 5

2019

January 4; February 2; March 4; April 3; May 2; June 1; June 30; July 30; August 28; September 26; October 26; November 24; December 24

2020

January 22; February 21; March 22; April 20; May 20; June 18; July 18; August 23; September 15; October 14; November 13; December 12

2021 (Oh my god--you are predicting that he is going to be re-elected for a second term.)

January 13; February 9; March 11; April 9; May 9; June 7; July 7; August 6; September 4; October 4; November 2; December 2; December 31

2022

January 30; February 28; March 29; April 28; May 27; June 26; July 26; August 24; September 23; October 23; November 21; December 21

2023

January 19; February 18; March 19; April 17; May 17; *June 14* (*Donald J. Trump’s 77th birthday*); July 15; August 13; September 12; October 12; November 10; December 10

2024

January 9; February 7; March 8; April 6; May 6; June 4; *July 4* (*Independence Day*); *August 1* (*Lammas*); August 31; September 30; October 30; November 28; December 28

[The compiler of this list offered to continue on, but I had to kill them for even joking about the possibility of Trump somehow getting a third term.]

Should liberal journalists be burned at the stake? Hardcore Trump supporters say yes!

Congratulations America for making it to week four of Trump's first term as President. Yes, that is right--it has only been four weeks. And in that time, President Trump has not been allowed to do a damn thing without the liberal media misrepresenting what he is doing.

So to recap, Trump and his supporters have no problem with taking away the visa and Green cards of Muslims from seven countries, even if they have been living in this country for a decade because "All Muslims are terrorists"; Trump has picked the very best people, who have no flaws, and have no desire to incite racism nor enrich themselves at the taxpayers' expense; the Republicans are ready to get rid of Obamacare and make sure that everyone gets the healthcare that they deserve; other countries are a bunch of assholes, except for Russia, who we love and who would never dream of rigging the system to get a puppet President; the voters still do not care about Trump's tax returns, nor the hydra-like tentacles of his business interests affecting his policies, nor the policies of his officials and representatives; consumers are eagerly buying Trump products because they are the best, and Trump's policies are the best; we must get rid of all immigrants who just take away jobs and only commit crimes--remember that there are no good immigrants--all immigrants are bad; we must do away with the EPA with its horrible regulations; we need to get rid of all references to the false science that says global warming and pollution is a real thing; we must close the borders to overseas products; only students with rich parents deserve to be educated; and everything is still the fault of those dirty liberal traitors led by Hillary Clinton and ex-President Obama, who are still conspiring to overthrow the bestest President ever.

And all this is true, despite any reports that you hear from the media, who are the true enemy of the American people.

Why is the media treating me like I am a third grader with nuclear weapons--nuclear weapons are the best.

Yes, I suffer from Trump rage. My wife is an ESL teacher (oh how we need to make sure that she never works in education ever again--who the fuck thinks it is a good idea to teach the children of immigrants?!?), and I am slimy person who once considered a career as a journalist, plus we are not good Christians--oh my god, we need to be burned at the stake for our unAmerican beliefs.

Of course, as a journalist "wanna-be" (I wanted to be a newspaper columnist, a funny one like Emma Bombeck; but I would have settled for writing political commentary), I keep feeling insulted by the way that President Trump is treating journalists. 

And I have noticed a pattern. Every time a journalist reports something negative about Trump, his policies, and the bestest people in the his government, Trump screams that "Those journalists are FAKE NEWS. So sad that they believe that I am the devil. I am here to led America into a new golden age where everyone glows in the dark. Nuclear weapons are good, but you can also do bad things with uranium. Sad."

It was really hard to watch his first solo press conference, given that he insulted members of the media at least thirty times (I lost count after thirty). Of course, it got even better when he sent out the bestest survey ever!

Do you believe that the lying media should be fined, tossed in jail, and burned at the stake? If you voted for me, of course you do. You are the bestest supporters a tyrant can have.

It was a very rigged survey, guaranteed to prove that Trump can take any steps he needs to put the free press in its proper place--kissing his butt and telling him that he is the greatest while ignoring any threats to the Constitution and possible harm to anyone who is not a rich white guy.

And when I interacted with his hardcore supporters, I realized that the only part of the Bill of Rights they support is the right to have handguns. The other nine parts can be flushed down the toilet, along with the rest of the Constitution, because dirty liberals keep acting as if it (and not those good conservative values that say only rich people have rights), the Constitution, is supposed to be the guiding principle for the laws and government of the United States of America.

I honestly think that his supporters believe that every journalist, every comedian, and everyone in the country, that criticizes Trump should serve jail time, or worse. By their standards, journalists should have never broken the news on Watergate, and should only criticize Democrats and other filthy liberals. (Yes, that is right--I just compared Donald Trump to Richard Nixon--guess which one I like better--the answer will surprise you!)

And oh, how I should not worry about what Trump was going to do because it was Obama that it is responsible for any crackdown on journalism that happens. All hail Trump--who can do no wrong!

(For the record, George Bush and Obama went after leaks that threaten intelligence and military assets--not every journalist that ever said, WTF?!?)

Trump does the bestest tweets, full of love for the principles of democracy...well, except for all those parts about a free press and common human decency.

In journalism classes (yes, I took some--I must be burned at the stake), I was taught that journalists were the watchdogs of society, that journalists served a purpose of keeping politicians honest, sometimes even forcing them to act as if they cared for stuff other than their wallets. We are not supposed to be liked by politicians; after all, we have to expose all the slimy things that politicians try to get away with.

And despite what hardcore Trump supporters think, if Hillary Clinton would have won and started doing half the crap Trump has, we would be howling for her head. But no, the media needs to be put in its proper place because we just hate good conservative values rooted in the only religious document that counts--the Bible--which completely says that witches, and liberal Trump hating journalists must be witches, need to be burned at the stake as a message to the rest of the rabble that the Holy Tyrant Donald "Jesus" Trump can do whatever he needs to to put those dirty filthy poor people in their proper place, enriching the wealthy.

But never fear Trump supporters, Trump still has another 208 weeks to get rid of all the immigrants, void those silly government regulations that harm big business, make a law to allow the imprisonment of journalists who say bad things about him, make it legal to kill all those people who do not believe in the same religious document as you do, and bring back tons of good paying dime an hour jobs. And after that, in 209 weeks, he gets to start his second term; and then in 416 weeks, he becomes President-for-life because you are going to change the Constitution to allow him to do so; and then when he dies, one of his relatives will become our next king. Oh look at how wonderful America's future is--look at all the happy rich people--try not to step on the sick and dying poor people.

Hail Trump! Or Hydra! They seem to be the same.

Oh wait, I am not a journalist wanna-be--I must be a FAKE NEWS journalist because I am saying mean things about your lord and savior, the bestest President ever--better report me to the authorities, so that I am silenced once and for all. All hail Trump!

Five things that you might find in your guru’s trunk (Death to the Great Gherkin)

One of the more telling pieces of evidence that your guru, spiritual teacher, Chief Adept, Mother Witch, Supreme Shaman, or whatever term that you call them, might be a murdering bitch or bastard is the stuff that keep in their car trunk (or boot as those initiates across the pond refer to it).

 Now as previously mentioned, or maybe not, for the author is typing this story up completely out of order, chances are that your guru is innocent and has absolutely no desire to kill the Great Gherkin. Like the Great Gherkin’s least favorite critic has no real desire to murderize the Great Gherkin; after all, if he did that, he would lose one of his long standing jokes on his blog. For the critic pounding out one in the morning rage tweets and blogs, it is counter-productive to knock off the Great Gherkin. And as a completely innocent bystander, despite his apparent loathing for the Great Gherkin, one should not judge the rather sharp ax that the critic has in his car trunk as anything more than a handy tool that serves a humble purpose, just like the ten pound bag of cat litter (non-chumping), the dozen roman candles (as long as you don’t light them in Colorado, they are completely legal), several large bones (probably from a cow, or maybe a goat—it is hard to tell with such things), and the large plastic tarp. All these items have completely innocent purposes, and in no way should imply that the Great Gherkin least favorite critic might be a potential serial ax murderer who lights up the night’s sky with fireworks to celebrate his latest hatching.

Likewise, the fact that one of the Great Gherkin’s greatest buds, the Amazing Kitchen Sink, has five guns (a Luger, a sawed-off shotgun, a M16, a Colt 45, and what looks suspiciously like a fully automatic machine gun), five boxes of assorted ammo, five weeks of survival rations, five blocks of C4, and his five favorite porn magazines in his trunk, in no way should be used to argue that the Amazing Kitchen Sink is just a Waco waiting to happen, not alone arguing that he might be the guilty party that wants to see the Great Gherkin riddled with bullet holes. After all, there are completely reasonable explanations for these items, including being a doomsday prepper who suspects that the President of the United States is going to start a global nuclear war (probably by nuking Chicago to keep its murderers from escaping justice), long weekend hunting trips searching for heavily armed terrorist dragons, and collecting on million dollar debts.

A far more suspicious car trunk belongs to the ceremonial magic gurus, Kitty and Chuck Agrippa. In it, you will find a bag of cat food, several Tarot decks, a spare tire, some road flares, and a battered copy of Thelema and the Necronomicon, all of which points to their fleecing of little old ladies of all their money before forcing them to eat cat food and rolling them downhill while the little old ladies hold lit road flares, and the evil magical couple recite dark prayers to their dreaded dark lord, Cthulhu. We know that this is totally and completely true because the Great Gherkin himself, using the internet handle trollking93, revealed the Agrippa’s crimes to the world one wet and stormy August night, along with the fact that the entirety of the Agrippa’s lodge membership were paid CIA Freemasons trying to destroy his own esteemed Order—after all, if you can’t trust the Great Gherkin, who can you trust? In fact, the lying and perverted Agrippas are probably the ones that hired an assassin to whack the Great Gherkin—and if not, at the very least, they fully support the endeavor.

Another likely miscreant is the sock puppet known as Sister Seuss, who keeps in her trunk, some technical manuals, a bong, a couple of old coats, a copy of The Numpty Hater Grimoire, and some freeze dried bacon. All of these items are suspicious and point to a diseased mind, and are especially worrisome given that her real identity, Falcon Wilde, also has a trunk filled with awful things: some barb wire, some loose hay, a battered saddle, a broken laptop, and a buck fifty in Canadian quarters. One must agree that both the pseudonym, as well as the actual flesh and blood person, are both completely out of their numpty hating minds, as well as likely suspects for wanting to see the Great Gherkin thrown out of an airplane without a parachute, thanks to the items that he…she…it keeps in their two trunks.

And before we leave this subject, a subject that one must be fully aware of, if one wants to avoid bad gurus and the evil machinations of your own grandmother (we have seen the contents of her car trunk—she is completely evil), let’s take a look at the car trunks of two of the most famous Big Name Occultists to ever live—Buddha Night and the Living Devil. Buddha Night, the fabulous warlock of Arkham and entertaining late night talk show guest, has several dildos (but no lube), some motor oil (oh, there is lube), a jade thing-a-bob, some press releases, and a thousand autographed headshots—all of which is suspicious and just slightly weird. His partner in crime, the most famous black magician of all, the Living Devil has several plastic tarps painted with nonsensical names and symbols, a fake human skeleton, a map of the great state of Nevada (which is worrisome, given that he lives in Texas), a couple of gallons of Kool-Aid (in his kid’s favorite flavor), and absolutely no drugs—all of which deserve a whispered call to the FBI and Homeland Security.

Trump urges you to vote with bullets

Hey ye all gun owners who believe that the Second Amendment means that you, and only you, have the final say in how this country works, just remember...

"Use your fucking guns and make me your King!"

..."If [Hillary Clinton wins the election and] gets to pick her judges, [there is] nothing you can do, folks. Although the Second Amendment people--maybe there is, I don't know."

And remember that Donald Trump truly cares for you, and believes that you assassinating a President other than him is completely legal, and that you mighty gun owners can beat the United States military in a civil war, so that you can install him into office as your King, err, President-for-Life. And he totally promises that after you kill Hillary and her VP, and make him the rightful ruler that he will not come and nuke you and your guns back into the Stone Age.

Remember that if he does not get elected, it totally proves that the election was stolen from him, and that you should march on Washington and shot all those damn liberals who hug Muslims, hire Mexicans, and are ruining your life, right in the face, so that he can take over and make your lives totally better.

Join the Order and get a free gun!

Hi, I am the Imperial Porker, the bestest occult leader, teacher, and all around guru, and do I have a special offer for you today.

As you know, I am a firm believer that more guns will make the world a safer place. You want to end mass shootings in theaters? The answer is More Guns! You want to end toddlers shooting people? More Guns! You want politicians to be honest? More guns! Do you want students in school to be safe? More guns! More guns! More guns!

We need to arm every man, woman, and child in the world. Well, not the Muslims, and probably not the blacks, and I am pretty sure that armed black magicians represent the greatest threat to freedom that the universe has ever seen--and you know that you can trust my judgment for I am the bestest occult leader, teacher and all around guru that the universe has ever seen. And you know it is true because super secret sauce making alchemists say that it is so--I would provide emails and tweets from them, but I can't because that is how super special secret their sauce is. And they would also like you to vote for Cheeto-Jesus who will make 'Murica great again with the aid of that tentacled thing that he uses as a wig. 

But I digress.

Back to the super special offer I have for you today--which I thought of while watching the news from Colorado, we have to keep an eye on those pot smoking bush lurking bloggers out there and the funny ideas that come out of their state because there is one blogger that really hates me, and uses me as a character in his satire all the time, and while he claims someone else wrote that I said everyone poops, I know that it was really him. I am smart that way. And he would never think of stealing someone else's character anymore than he could possibly come up with a reasonable political argument about why ferret wearers should not be allowed to allowed near big red buttons marked "What does destroy the economy mean?" and "Make everyone glow in the dark." Nor can he come up with a single believable reason why more guns actually will create more gun violence, and why grandma armed at the mall will add a dozen more deaths to the next mass shooting, or why my imaginary friends are not real. He is dumb that way, and you know that you can trust me for I am the bestest occult leader, teacher, and guru that the world has ever seen.

But I digress.

Back to the special offer that is exclusively available to you--you who have not sent me a big payment though PayPal yet---which makes you very lucky because it allows you to take advantage of this very special offer that I have for you today. Where was I? Oh yes, Colorado! which despite its trollish laws allowing angry lying bloggers to write horrible satire, also dreams up the very best promotions, which might be because some of its citizens rightfully embrace guns, and not pot. Because you know all pot smokers are lazy and crazy, and all gun owners are completely rational and the hardest workers---you can't find anyone more rational and hard working than gun owners, who never dream of shooting hundreds of people, nor ever consider robbing banks and slapping whores.

But I digress.

Back to Colorado, and its wonderful marketing idea. Inspired by the holy document, written by the great American prophets that we call the Founding Fathers, who never smoked pot, and completely understood that trademarks are absolutely necessary to make people feel secure that they are only buying the best stuff, and that God wanted 'Murica to be a Christian only country where you were safe to burn evil alien reptiles hellbent on enslaving people---King George was a reptile from Ursa Minor Gamma, you know it is true because I shared that truth on Facebook, along with the emails that prove that Hillary Clinton is totally responsible for chemtrails, horrible bed hair falling out, and the terrorists blowing up in your very own house, just coming in without knocking, and eating all your bacon before they press the big red button that says "Fear and more fear--the Muslims are going to kill us all unless we arm your grandma!"

Wait...where was I?

Oh yes, glorious Colorado where the tyranny of two thousand roofing companies has left one roofing company desperate to make a name for themselves the only way anything is ever improved in 'Murica---yes, that is right---more guns! Yes, one brave Colorado roofing company beset by other roofing companies that probably employ low paid non-tax paying evil Mexican murderers and rapists, who must be stopped with more guns and the greatest reality TV show star ever, is now offering to give you a free gun with every roof you purchase. Just think about it--they know that it is not the roof that keeps the ice, snow, rain and hail out of the house, but rather it is that big shiny fully loaded assault rifle. Yes, that is right--bad weather is afraid of guns--you never seen someone whose house got blown away have it happened when they are armed with a gun. Never. You can't find a single clip of someone saying that a gun did not protect their house from the weather gods--not a single one.

But I digress.

 And if it works for this brave and besieged roofer, who probably got the idea from Ted Cruz who gave everyone who signed up for his mailing list a free gun, and we all know how well it worked for him, he is sure to be President after the Cheeto dies of old age after bitterly holding onto the office for a hundred thousand years, or killing all the South Koreans with an atomic bomb, or--well...wait--where was I?

Oh yes, roof and guns, they go together like peanut butter and sardines---yummy---and I was thinking that if guns could make roofs better, then what else could guns make great. Donuts! Donuts are better with guns. And third wives. Better with guns. Just the other day, Cheeto was telling me about his plan to make 'Murica great again by expelling all the non-Christians, and giving everyone a gun wrapped in bacon, and how sexy his daughter was while holding a gun, and I can just picture it, and...oh, yeah, I almost forgot the most important that guns make great--magic!

That is right. I am proud to make the announcement that my Order, and maybe Kitchen Sink's, and that French guy, and that clown down in Waco, and---well, there are a few of us who know that more guns automatically lead to world peace and less crime---my Order is now proud to offer you a free fully automatic machine gun assault rifle and laser butter knife with every Order membership that you buy. Yes, that is right--the bestest and most advanced lessons in magic will now be accompanied with hot lead and buttered toast. And all for the cheap, cheap annual fee of $93. That is right, a free gun and the most economically priced occult course in the world together at last. [Membership does not include rental of the text book which is a bargain at $666 dollars a year, yes, because the book is that good that you will gladly give me more money to share it with you.]

But Imperial Porker, does it make good esoteric sense to give every one a free gun with their membership? Yes, it does. I have made it my life mission to make magical training cheap for everyone because it is everyone's right to hex their co-workers, sacrifice their neighbor's children, and wear all the black clothing that they want. And besides believing that more magic and witchcraft will make everything better, I also firmly believe that more guns will make everyone safer, and what better way to ensure that there are more guns out there than making sure that you can stop at the grocery store on the way to your lodge or coven meeting, and show everyone your brand new shiny gun? You know how people are--if they see all the cool witches and magicians packing a gun, then they too will want to own an assault rifle to carry everywhere. Who is cooler and safer than a magician or witch with a gun? No one.

But Imperial Porker, what if I can't pass a background check? No problem--the only background check we do is to see if your PayPal payment makes its way into our account. Because anyone who promptly pays their Order dues is truly an honest citizen who would never dream of hurting anyone. Remember more guns make everyone safer---there are no exceptions to this rule---well, other than Muslims, and black magicians, and maybe Mexicans, and...never mind---everyone in the world needs to be armed with a gun. And you know it is true because I say so, and I am the bestest occult leader, teacher and guru that has ever lived. Bathe in the glory of my porkness!

Remember at my Order, our motto is Join for the Mysteries--Stay for the guns!

{And now for something completely different---there is actually a roofer offering to give customers a free gun, an assault rifle, with every roof they buy---and Ted Cruz, and a couple politicians, have held contests for free guns in exchange for signing up to support their campaigns. America--you are simply strange.}

Join for the mysteries. Stay for the guns!

My best gun control quotes

 Did you know that I have done twenty posts on this blog about guns, gun violence, and gun control?

Why the fuck so many lately? Oh yeah, gun violence!

 Here is a selection of my best quotes on the subject:

I have a theory about gun violence in America: We have so much gun violence because guns are so easy to obtain. And there is no shortage of ammunition either. 

Here is a cracked ball prediction: If someone starts shooting in a mall, and there are a dozen other people who are armed, you are going to end up with three dozen friendly fire hits before the smoke clears.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Has anyone actually seen me use the sentence, "We need to ban guns"? Arguing for better gun control laws does not mean that I am arguing for banning of all guns.

October 16, 2015

Any excuse to scream "State rights! And they are coming to take away your freedoms!" is a good one, right?

November 4, 2015

The problem with cults is that they look remarkably like legitimate religions, political groups and fraternal organizations; or at least until the Kool-Aid, guns and multiple wives are brought out into the open. One of the best things to know about cults are the signs of what a cult act like. Remember a cult always hides behind a cloak of respectability, clear up to the day that the FBI kicks in the door. One of the ways to check out how cultish an organization is to use the Bonewits Cult Evaluation Frame. 

September 3, 2009

One thing that the wingnuts point out is that taking away guns will not decrease the number of overall violent incidents. Once no one has guns, we will all just buy hammers, swords, and poison, and continue to gleefully eliminate those people we feel are too stupid to live. And they are right, violence won’t disappear, we will just have to go back to bashing people’s heads in with rocks. Because of us non-gun owners being so violent, gun owners have to keep their guns. They are not actually concerned about other gun owners because they all think that they are the quickest most accurate shooter this side of Mars. No, it is only those of us who will sneak up behind a rock that you have to worry about because no one has ever outlawed rocks in human history.

October 1, 2015

Today, I heard that forty-three toddlers shot people last year. This is an outrage. We need to do what the NRA tells us is the ideal solution to this problems. Remember, only a good baby with a gun can stop a bad baby with a gun. We must arm all babies and we must do it now!

October 15, 2015

I was taught that if a gun is involved in a non-hunting situation, then someone is going to die. Period. End of story. Because guns outside of a wilderness situation only have one purpose--and that is to kill.

When you argue self-defense, you are arguing that you should be allowed to kill someone. When you argue that you need a gun to protect yourself from the government, you are arguing that you should be allowed to kill someone. When you argue that teachers should carry guns, you are arguing that they should be allowed to kill someone. And adding more guns to a situation just means that more people are going to die.

Please note this is why I am never surprised when a cop kills someone. In my mind, the instant a cop pulls a gun out, someone is going to die. Because a gun only has one purpose---to KILL. In fact, I am surprised that more people are not killed by cops.

November 19, 2015

Gun control ideally is not about taking away everyone's guns; it is about keeping them out of the hands of people who are prone to go up in a clock tower and shooting random people because they are having a bad hair day.

December 3, 2015

Being enlightened and magically aware does not mean that you have to personally get involved in saving the world, especially if it involves you having to pick up a gun, so that you can shot someone in the face. 

July 8, 2016

You wanna know why I know that we are never going to do anything about guns?

Five words. Sandy Hook--twenty kids dead.

 

For all you gun nuts and Second Amendment fetishers, shut the f*** up. The government is not going to come and take your precious p***** substitutes away. President Obama is not going to declare martial law and become President-for-Life (Trump does that on September 2024--read your future history books people!). Your guns are perfectly safe, and you can buy hundreds and thousands more of them and stockpile them in some strange Satanic Waco James Town cache along with the cherry Kool-Aid that you love so much.

July 12, 2016

Raise Your Wands Gun Week! Coming soon to a cult near you!