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How many Third Order members should exist (or Dropouts by the numbers)

I once belonged to a group that claimed that there should be a ninety percent dropout and failure rate between certain Grades. It doesn't sound so bad until you actually do the math. (Or maybe it is just to my ears that a ninety percent failure rate doesn't initially set off alarm bells...it has been known to happen that I do not catch the perfectly obvious.)


So based on a ninety percent dropout and failure rate how many members would have to apply and be admitted to Neophyte to generate a single Third Order member? Quite a lot actually with a ninety percent discard rate.


At the most strict version of the system with ninety percent failure rates for Neophyte, the rest of Outer Order, Portal, Adept Minor, Adept Major, and Adept Exempt, all adding up, the math looks like this...


Third Order 1
Adept Exempt 10
Adept Major 100
Adept Minor 1000
Portal 10000
Outer Order 1000000 (a million)
Neophyte 10000000 (ten million)


...you would need ten million Neophytes to come in just to generate a single member of the Third Order (and that presumes that the Third Order has no built-in failure rate of its own).


Now assuming that this level of failure is too extreme (and it does assume a full Inner Order course, such as Pat Zalewski's), what would the numbers look like with the entire Inner Order, and not the individual Adept Grades, having a total ninety percent rate of failure. The numbers are friendlier, but I wonder if there are enough Neophytes worldwide to generate a single Third Order member in our lifetime.

Third Order 1
Second (Inner) Order 10
Portal 100
Outer Order 1000
Neophytes 10000 (ten thousand)


Of course, maybe this rate of failure is still too harsh. Maybe the Portal failure rate is just part of the overall Inner Order failure rate. It would look something like this...


Third Order 1
Second Order 10
Outer Order 100
Neophytes 1000


...still the numbers look off, simply because of how few Adepts there are, compared to Third Order members. (Seriously, given the number of Adepts out there, we should be awash in Third Order members if a ninety percent failure rate was happening at this projected rate.)


So I am thinking that the first breakdown should be re-examined from the bottom up. Using a ten thousand figure for the number of Neophytes entering the system in our generation, and a full ninety percent dropout rate for each of the Adept Grades (but not Portal), we should have...


Ten thousand Neophytes initially, a thousand people who get somewhere between Zelator and Philosophus (1=10 to 4=7), a hundred people who only get to Portal or Adept Minor, ten Adept Majors, and a single person who gets to Adept Exempt. And absolutely no Third Order members.


Feel free to argue the numbers in the comment section--heaven knows that I am bored today to even think about such ideas.

QoD Building successful groups

Here is a good piece of advice I saw on Facebook today:

"If you want to have a successful group, then show up. No matter if no one else does, you keep showing up. Eventually, others will show up too. Got two people? Its a successful group meeting! Got one? It's a successful meditation!"

Columbine Fifteen years Ago

In 1999, two students opened fire at Columbine on this day, killing 12 classmates and a teacher and wounding 26 others before killing themselves in the school's library. Since then, there has been more school shootings, and college shootings, and university shootings, and shopping mall shootings, and theater shootings, and military base shootings, and...well, you watch the news.

It is an issue that I care about because my wife is a school teacher. When the Columbine shooting happened in April 1999, I was dating Kh.S.--and the news scared the hell out of me.

(The local theater shooting that happened awhile back also shook me--the shooter had attended the same university that I did, and it happened at a film that I had considered going to the opening of.)

Since Columbine happened, I have watched the battle between the pro-gun supporters and the gun control supporters. I have seen politicians lose elections over the issue. And I have watched people condemn others who state that even if we cannot agree on what to do about guns, at least we should be able to agree on gun safety.

Are we any closer to making sure that events like this never happen again? Honestly, I feel that we have not made any progress at all. But that is probably just a bad gut reaction. What I do know is that the NRA has made it difficult to get good data on the problem and possible solutions. And that no amount of data will change anyone's mind.

Therefore, the only thing that we can really do is remember the lives lost at Columbine High School in April 1999, and cross our fingers that someday someone comes up with a solution that does not involve "taking everyones' guns away" or "arming everyone, including my blind grandmother" that is actually acceptable to both sides. Of course, odds are that the sun will burn out and explode long before that actually happens, but no one has ever accused me of being realistic, have they?

Open letter to Watcher of the Dawn and Mike Thomson and David Griffin

Dear Watcher of the Dawn, Mike Thomson, and David Griffin,

Today, Mike Thomson decided to write a blog post revealing why the good folks behind Watcher of the Dawn write posts badmouthing David Griffin. You can read his post here. And you can read what Watcher of the Dawn does here. 

There is only one problem with Mike Thomson's post--I am not actually part of the staff that does Watcher of the Dawn.

But at this point in time, I so want to be a member of their staff. Of course, this is much like the fact that I wished I created Hog Dee, or was the ever amusing pine teeth wearing Mitzy Gaynor.

(And if I ever convince the creator of Hog Dee to allow me ownership of the character, Hog Dee will return!!! I wonder if Watcher wants a feature cartoon starring numpties.)

Yes, my comment to Inriel Lux was true, except that I was speaking for myself, and not the staff of Watcher of the Dawn. My hatred of David Griffin was sparked by his inability to live with a THREE STAR book review. By casting me as a conspiracy member, he made sure that I would remain a hater of all things Griffin. I went straight from neutral book reviewer to a torch carrying rebel against the "one ond only true Golden Dawn Order" (trademarked and marketed nine ways to Sunday).

As for things I am actually guilty of, I just hit "publish" on three blog posts that I had wrote, but never published. I figure if I am going to be the center of a flame war, I just as well be up-to-date with my hatred of Griffin. I am not sure why Mike Thomson cares about how people view Griffin; but hell if I am going to be damned, I just as well be damned.

So to Watcher of the Dawn, do not let Mike Thomson blaming an innocent reader of your blog stop you from doing what is right. Warn people about the numpties!

To David Griffin, keep being yourself--because as long as you badmouth other people, you will be hated.

To Mike Thomson, keep up the hatred and blaming of people--I can always use the blog traffic.

To everyone else, consider buying an ebook or bumper sticker from me.

As for myself, I will continue to be here, the same hateful person that I have always been. Writers like me are not loved...mainly because we are the enemies of everyone who might be guilty of harming occult students.

Yours in blood, hate, and sweat, Morgana Draconis, aka Morgan Drake Eckstein.

You drove me into the conspiracy

[This post is being written on September 27, 2012--and it is a prediction of the HOGD/AO reaction to the fact that a book of Commentaries on the Golden Dawn Flying Rolls has been published. I am writing it now because I am sure if what I am predicting comes true, I will not feel like being even this polite.]

Yes, I willingly volunteered to write a commentary on one of the Golden Dawn Flying Rolls when a member of the "evil conspiracy" asked me to. Yes, I knew that the profits were going to the Golden Dawn Legal Defense Fund. And yes, I knew who else were writing commentaries.

Well, the first statement is true. The other two statements were good guesses on my part. (I saw a partial "proof" copy just a couple of days ago, so I know that my guesses were true.) I will admit that I didn't ask certain questions once I heard that it was a "non-profit" community project, and that Nick Farrell was involved.

Now, I do not necessarily agree with everything that Nick says. I think that he knows this. For one thing, him and me have different opinions about what goes into running an esoteric Order--I suspect this is because I come from the "back of the bookstore" and "let's talk about this over coffee" schools of training; in many ways, his training was better than mine (not hard to accomplish at all). For a second thing, Nick casts Samuel Macgregor Mathers in the role of evil genius; I am not sure that Mathers was nearly as conscious of the effects that his instructions would have. (I will talk more about that in another blog post--if I haven't already by the time this entry is actually published.)

So why would I willing volunteer for this project, especially when I knew that it would get me labeled as a member of an evil conspiracy.

Because the HOGD/AO has already claimed that I am a member of the evil conspiracy.

When I was asked to volunteer for this project, it was just after the little McTroll name-calling session that occurred after the Biased Book Review Battle of 2012 (aka Nick Farrell's positive book reviews must be all written by members of an evil conspiracy--no one could actually think that Farrell's books had any real merit). In the case of that battle, I got labeled as a "McTroll."

After being labeled a member of the conspiracy (which I wasn't) and having my reputation dragged through the mud--yes, I willingly volunteered to do this project.

I did briefly think about withdrawing from the project when the HOGD/AO announced their Peace and Harmony Pow Wow. Clear up to the second that I realized that peace between me and the HOGD/AO meant me ceasing to write about anything occult.

In particular, two comments kept me in the project. The first one was by an anonymous commenter, who lumped me into a list of bad writers and bloggers.

It is a laundry list of who the HOGD/AO considers to be agents for the conspiracy.

A couple of people on this list are friends of mine. And a couple of them I would love to work with, even if it is only getting an article into the same book as them. Plus, lets be honest, they have influenced my approach to magic and Golden Dawn more than Griffin ever has.

The second comment got my Irish up. (Note, both of these comments were made after the HOGD/AO announced their peace effort...hence, my opinion that only my complete disappearance would be classified as peaceful from their viewpoint.) And it is by Griffin's own wife. Even assuming that she was reacting to a death threat, I found it highly disturbing as a writer.

Now, let's be honest--I do not agree with her base opinion that I was hurting the egregore of Golden Dawn, especially the part of it that belongs to the HOGD/AO. But her tone implied that they (the HOGD/AO) can do anything that they want and not have to apologize for it, while the rest of us need to get permission for everything that we do.

(For the record, the part in red is my personal commentary...for it describes how I felt about the comments.)

Having dragged my reputation through the mud, and labeling me an "evil conspiracy member"---it was natural for me to say, "Yes" to a project that I knew was going to be classified a plot by the conspiracy.

In fact, I am not sure that I would have qualified to be involved in this project if it wasn't for the HOGD/AO. After all, I was a neutral clear up until they decided to declare me a member of the conspiracy for giving Nick's book a positive review. And let's be honest, I never bothered to prove that I was a Golden Dawn expert, preferring to remain a lunatic with a soapbox. I honestly think that the HOGD/AO labeling me a McTroll got me this gig.

So I would like to give the HOGD/AO a big thanks for labeling me a member of the conspiracy, and allowing me to get involved in this latest project. I learned a heck of a lot from this project, and it is going on my resume.

This blog exists for my purposes

[This post was originally written on February 6th, and was meant to go live on February 28th 2013, but I de-scheduled it because someone made a fuss about DMK not playing nice. So I thought that I would play nice...turns out that I should have issued it because the people who insist that the rest of us should play nice--don't.]

In light of a set of planned series of posts that I intend to write, I need to issue the following reminder:

This blog exists for my purposes, and not yours.

It does not exist to support your version of esoteric history or occult technology. And it is definitely not meant to convince people that your version of magic and occult, especially your chosen Order, is correct, true or even worthwhile.

In other words, this blog is meant to further my stuff--not yours. Therefore the ideas and facts and beliefs talked about do not have to support your chosen version of the world; after all, it is my version of reality that I am talking about.

You have your own avenues of promoting your version of reality. This is mine.

Also note that as a writer, many of my posts are rebundled into other projects (some of which I charge money for), therefore "fair use" does not mean that you can copy my entire post to prove one of your points. Robbing my cat of food will just p*** me off--and it will make me an enemy of yours.

And this concludes this obligatory round of disclosure issued because for some people, diversity means anything that supports their position, and conspiracy means anything that doesn't.

How to foresee outbreaks of flamewars and hordes of trolls from the true GD

If you ever want to be able to predict flame war outbursts, and how David Griffin and his loyal following are going to respond, just keep in mind three things.

One, David Griffin wants to turn the Golden Dawn into his own personal business, have a monopoly, and have control over the entire system (aka control the trademarked name and control its entire membership). Hence his love of secrecy and traditional lore that you can only receive if you accept him as the gatekeeper and true guardian of the Golden Dawn tradition.

Two, David Griffin wants to be known as the foremost authority on Golden Dawn and the esoteric traditions, yet remain humble at the same time. Hence his bragging that the Secret Chiefs have chosen him as their sole contact and voice.

Three, David Griffin carries a grudge against anyone that has helped prevent him from accomplishing the first two goals. Anything that anyone says or does that makes it harder for him to accomplish the first two goals will result in a flame war attack against the statement or action, along with a character assassination attempt.

[This post was written on May 22, 2013 and is being held in reserve for the next time that the trolls decide to come after me for upsetting the "rightful and only true leader of the Golden Dawn."]

The Magic Machine by Nick Farrell (book review)

One of the things that amuses me is the occasional outpouring of "secrets must be kept" when someone dares to publish something that is already well past its "keep secret until" date. Today, the source of my amusement was the debate on whether or not, Nick Farrell should have published pictures of the walls of the Vault of the Adepts.

My own position...well let's see...

Venus Vault Wall Study.

...I first published a set of Vault wall studies on this blog starting in June 2009, shortly after the Book of the Tomb was open-sourced by Nick Farrell. And I have kicked around actually doing some Vault wall merchandise...something that I may still do. After all, a quick image search on Google will yield dozens of hits, and there are some crass people already doing Rose Cross lamen merchandise (all seem to be using the same picture to boot). So I really think that secrecy on this particular subject has flown the coop. It is now time to start making sure that people are getting it right. Now that my position on secrecy and much of it still apllies to the Vault walls is out of the way, let's move on to reviewing the book in question.

As I have already said, secrecy has flown the coop on this one--it is time to make sure that people are getting it right. And this is what The Magic Machine--The Golden Dawn Vault in Colour by Nick Farrell is about, helping people get the vault colors right.

The most valuable piece of this book is the eight colored plates showing the general key to the background color of the Vault walls, and the individual planetary Vault walls. And while I prefer mixed pigments over pixels, I wish I would had this book earlier in my occult career when I was preparing to build a Vault of the Adepts.

(Before you ask, the project never got past the study stage, due to the sudden vacating of anyone who might have needed to be vaulted by the current lodge that I belong to...it was a strange summer that year.)

Comparing my first study and later ones (I have done several over the years) to the plates in The Magic Machine, I am comforted to see that I am in the general ballpark, not exactly the same colors as Farrell is using, but close enough when one accounts for the difference in methods used. It was also comforting to read that someone else stumbled upon the problem with the Vault's ceiling--something that drives me a little batty.

Now I imagine that some people in the Golden Dawn tradition will claim that he is wrong about how the colors are created. Of course, if he is wrong, then so am I--and I was initially working from the texts published by Regardie and some misc. unpublished notes from a modern Order, and not directly from the Book of the Tomb. Then again, I just shake my head about how the critics have done their own Vaults--it is like they are working from a completely different set of instructions that have nothing to do with any actual Golden Dawn material.

Besides the meat of the book, Farrell does give hints on how to use the pictures, general information about the Vault of the Adepts, and a nice set of planetary deity calls to key your work with the Vault walls to.

I recommend getting this book if you ever think that you might need to build a Vault or work with one.

Five out of five stars.

The Magic Machine--The Golden Dawn Vault in Colour is a limited edition hard-cover book available from Lulu. 

[Required FTC disclosure: This review was based on a low res electronic copy of the book given to the reviewer to ensure a timely review of the book.]

Address from the hot dry sands

Because of a lack of information coming out of the dry spring heat of Nevada, I present a bit of New Age Nonsense from the remarkable New Age Bullshit Generator--can you tell the difference between that and some of the stuff that New Age gurus actually say?

(Start report here...)

You and I are storytellers of the stratosphere.

Today, science tells us that the essence of nature is science. We vibrate, we vibrate, we are reborn.

It is a sign of things to come.

As you reflect, you will enter into infinite coherence that transcends understanding. The akashic record may be the solution to what’s holding you back from an unimaginable metamorphosis of transformation. Through Kabala, our hearts are immersed in awareness.

To embark on the myth is to become one with it. By deepening, we live. This life is nothing short of a blossoming revolution of ancient being.

The dreamscape is calling to you via superpositions of possibilities. Can you hear it? Have you found your path? It can be difficult to know where to begin.

Humankind has nothing to lose.

Being, look within and awaken yourself. How should you navigate this amazing world? Although you may not realize it, you are cosmic.

The complexity of the present time seems to demand a flowering of our brains if we are going to survive. We can no longer afford to live with turbulence. Without conscious living, one cannot grow.

(End report here.)

Unicorns are your friends, even when they are eating out your brain.

Yes sir we bob, I can't tell the difference, and neither can you. Remember boys and girls, if your brain is rotten, the zombies will not eat it.

Hug a Satanist day

There has been a vast upswelling of religious intolerance and hatred towards the very best and most loving souls that the occult community can offer, according to the always correct and always awesome David Griffin. He reports that Satanists and Left Hand Path practioners, some of them actual pagans, are now fearing for their lives, religious freedom, in fact their very solar bodies, thanks to the evil that calls itself the Hermetic Golden Dawn. And we know that it must be true because David Griffin never lies.

The fear that the Left Hand Path people feel is all the result of news that one was attending to super fantastic con-fab being hosted by Griffin, and the Hot Tub Installer Association of Nevada. The news sparked off snide comments by several feared internet jokers and a major story on a news site read by both the President of the United States and the Queen of England. Such humor and outrage had never been seen before by Satanists and Left Hand Path people, and now they quiver under their beds, fearful that they might be pantsied by the evil followers of the Golden Dawn hate squad.

In light of this horrible and very startling development, the Feed the Demonic Cat Now Fund declares that today and everyday henceforth shall be Hug a Satanist day.

It is only with our hugs, and sweet wet kisses, that the Satanists and Left Hand Path people will feel free to spread the good news of their loving care and kindness. After all, as one famous Satanist instructed, Satan is the best friend that humanity ever had.

So go forth today and hug that lonely Satanist that you see at the Quickie-Mart. And the one that haunts the library. And if you can get an appointment, hug the Satanist career guru and motivational speaker who is now too scared to go forth and make a living selling the joys of Satanic business practices.

This brand new holiday is brought to you by the Feed the Demonic Cat Now Fund--a big thanks to David Griffin for teaching us that disliking and joking about Satanists is the most evil thing that a person can do. Thanks, David Griffin, we are all now better people now.

And what would Hug a Satanist day be without merchandise? Here is a T-shirt that you can buy that asks the most important question, "Have you hugged a Satanist today?" All proceeds from product sales go to the Feed the Demonic Cat Now Fund, keeping Denver safe from hungry demonic cats since 1999.

Creating an egregore

What do the egregores of political parties, Amway conventions, and esoteric traditions have in common? They are all constructed and strengthened though the use of ritual. 

There are two types of rituals that you can use to build up an egregore--one is what is commonly thought of as magic; the other is pomp and ceremony. Considering that I plan on dealing with ritual magic later in this series of posts, let's focus on the pomp and ceremony route tonight--the route used by non-magicians. 

My first experience with a constructed egregore was during high school. Feel free to make a Hellsmouth joke at this point--I do it all the time...but mine tend to end up with the demons dying of boredom. At the time, I had no idea that an egregore was being built, strengthened, and generally dying from a lack of interest in the proceedings at hand. But there was definitely an egregore being built in the gym of the high school that I attended. 

How did a bunch of high school kids build an egregore? Simple, they had cheer leaders. 

I probably should point out that I went to high school in a very small town. During my last year of high school, the senior class only had eighty-four students in it. Everyone knew everyone--not only in the high school, but the entire town knew everyone else. And considering there was very little to get excited about, high school football was a big thing. 

There was a definite ritual involved to amp up the support for the team. 

The day of the game (or the Friday before for weekend games), the football players and cheer leaders would show up to school in their uniforms. Teachers would ask for predictions of how the team was going to perform. The football players were especially annoying that day--pretty much getting away with anything that they wanted to that day. 

And then came the pep rally. There were pep talks, cheers, and ritualized dance movements. Oh, and lots of cheering. A central symbol to focus on--the team colors and emblem. Plus there was a common enemy that we all had to stand together against. 

It was at these pep rallies that I learned one of the most valuable lessons that I know about egregores--how to avoid getting sucked into one. To this day, I can pretend to be excited while wondering if anyone would notice if I went home early. 

After high school was over for me, I joined the military...for about two seconds, just long enough to be exposed to their system of egregore construction, a technique that one of the finer GD leaders like to use. Uniforms, instructors, pep talks, ritualized dance movements, err, I mean military drills, and an enemy that had to be fought against. Just like high school, but with bullets, bad food, and a general lack of sleep. And we had a central emblem to focus on--the flag. 

Upon leaving high school, I worked in fast food restaurants. Uniforms, schedules, a rank system, bad food, silly chants, and a general lack of sleep. Just like the military, except that you were not supposed to kill anyone. And we had enemies, the district manager and the more annoying customers. Our central emblem--the logo of the company. 

In my exit out of food service, I got involved in selling stuff. Not necessarily Amway, but I am drawing a blank of other company that everyone would know that uses the same techniques that I saw being used. Uniforms (ahh, the special blazer), pep talks, lecturers, ritualized dance movements (I kid you not), and a common enemy--the customers who said no to our sales advances. And for a central emblem, the logo of the product that we selling. 

I have seen the same techniques used by politician parties. Uniforms (oh, the holy power suit), pep talks, keynote speakers, ritualized clapping and cheering. And yes, there is a common enemy to band against. Central emblem—the flag, of course. 

And just to drive the point home, in the esoteric traditions that use the lodge system, there are uniforms, lectures about how the work is going to improve us, bad food, ritualized movements and cheers, and in more than one esoteric Order, a common enemy that the membership must band together against. And a central emblem--some symbol of the mysteries. 

Of course, viewing pomp and ceremony though this lens, and the group think that one sees resulting from such manipulations, one wonders why anyone would ever submit to such mechanisms of control--the answer is simple, your average magician stands to gain enough power over their own lives that giving up a certain amount of freedom of thought is worth it. 

Much like, fitting into high school, getting a college education on the slim chance that you might get shot, getting a paycheck, increasing your sales, getting political favors, make all the other manipulations worthwhile. 

What is an egregore?

One of the terms that you hear tossed around in esoteric circles, especially those circles manned by the lodge system, is the term "egregore."

But what is an egregore?

Quite simply, an egregore is a "group mind" of a group of people. Well, perhaps calling it a group mind is being too generous. In all honesty, an egregore is like a hotbed of neurosises that is transmitted from one member to another--well, at least, it is when the egregore has taken ill from taking in an excess of unsuitable members.

So why use such a dangerous tool? In part, because we have no choice in the matter. No esoteric system that wants to escape the one-on-one single master teaching a single student method can avoid the effect of egregores.

Egregores are a natural occurring phenomenon. Every human being has encountered an egregore, and is part of at least one egregore. The only way to escape the effect of egregores on humanity is to grow a single human being in a test tube and raise them with only the aid of machines on a planet far, far away from the rest of humanity. Only a human completely isolated from the rest of humanity would be able to escape the effects of egregores.

(At this point, a student might ask, "What about sociopaths and psychopaths?" No, even those types are affected by egregores, even if they themselves are not as deeply connected to them though the recesses of their own minds as the rest of humanity, as long as they live among other human beings.)

Egregores occur naturally; they do not need to be created. For instance, sport fans at a bar will create a low level egregore. As the moods of the fans gathered wax and wane, the emotions felt by each fan in the room affect the other people in the room. Given the right input, the fans can spill out of a bar and turn into a mob looting and pillaging.

It is the ease that an ordinary crowd can turn into a mob that makes Adepts avoid crowds when they can.

And egregores form from all types of human gatherings: families, Amway conventions, crowds of shoppers, protestors, churches--all generate an egregore. Many of these egregores are short-lived, breaking apart quickly when the gathering is over. We have all experienced the high from a conference, feeling like we could take on the world, only to have our confidence rapidly fall apart as soon as we got home.

Now, the quick esoteric student will point out that they are not in lodge that much, therefore if egregores exist (and we have not proven that they do), then they would only affect the student for the duration of the ceremonies and meetings which they attend. And that would be true if the egregores of the esoteric traditions were ordinary egregores. Unfortunately, the egregores of the esoteric traditions, due to the rituals of their systems, are bigger, stronger, and longer lasting than most egregores that spontaneously arise in society. Only the egregores that influence the natives of nations, the steadfast members of religion, and of ethnic cultures can rival the egregores of the esoteric traditions.

And that is because they all share something in common--the use of ritual.  

(Some students will say that no amount of evidence will prove that the egregores exist--after all, it is not like you can weigh an egregore on a scale. The student might also argue that the occult theory of egregores can be replaced by social theories or psychology models instead. And they are right. No one can prove that the egregores exist. And other models of reality provide models that can account for the same behavior that the occultists credit the egregores for. But egregores are how the members of the esoteric traditions are taught to think about the behavior of groups of human beings, and therefore it is what I chose to use here in this series of posts--a gold star for such a student, who will probably leave the esoteric traditions in a blaze of intense pride that they are smarter than the assembled Adepts and Masters of the esoteric traditions...while the esoteric traditions breathe a deep sigh of relief that another know-it-all decided that the halls of knowledge were beneath their notice.)

Structure of esoteric egregores. 

How to acquire a crystal unicorn horn

So you want an unicorn horn, and not one of those inflatable unicorn horns that cats love to wear. Perhaps even the royal deluxe crystal kind. Well, here is your complete guide to acquiring a crystal unicorn horn.

Go to the internet--in fact, go to Facebook.

Look for a magical group. Golden Dawn groups are ideal for this.

Find an unicorn worshipper. Be careful not to mistake them for a servant of the reptilian overlords.

Stalk them; follow them home. In fact, follow them everywhere--to work, to the gym, to the marijuana shop--everywhere, until they lead you to a magical pasture filled with unicorns.

Pick what horn you want to acquire. It will be attached to an unicorn.

Catch selected unicorn. You might need the unicorn worshipper for this part--after all, many of them are virgins.

After catching the unicorn, you have to kill it. Remember that unicorns are responsible for sprinkling vampires and fluffy-dark occult books.

Proceed to cook the unicorn. Remember to remove the glitter gland first--otherwise your farts will look like Fourth of July fireworks.

Now comes the hardest part...you have to eat the unicorn.

If you manage to do this without vomitting and/or ending up in the hospital, you get to keep the sacred unicorn horn. Wear it proudly, secure in the knowledge that you made the world a safer place for the reptilian overlords.

Oh, Happy April Fool Day!