Monday, July 18, 2016

C is for Cthulhu

As someone who writes about Cthulhu...ok, pretends to write about Cthulhu (because we all know that I only pretend to exist and to be a writer to disguise the fact that I am really a hideous trolly sock invented by my friend, eh master, or is that mistress?...hand?...foot? [I am so confused], invented by the marvelous Ms. Mitzy for the sole purpose of annoying the Imperial Pickle), as such an imposter, I try to keep my eye(s) open for new and exciting Cthulhu stories and products.

And one such item that I have stumbled upon is a children board book called C is for Cthulhu (The Lovecraft Alphabet Book) written by Jason Ciaramella with artwork done by Greg Murphy.

Yes, a whole book with big letters, and cute eldritch pictures of things that will cause you to lose your sanity someday. After all, someone has to teach the little ones that are things in the universe that will wake up when the stars are right, and end us all....unfortunately, probably not until some time after Trump starts his third term and when only white folks with loaded assault rifles and absolutely no fresh produce remain in 'Murica. C'mon Cthulhu (or Killer Asteroid)--let get this show on the road and save us from the far worse insanity that the next great worst President will bring.

(And if you fear Hillary...yeah, she too will be the very worst thing to happen to the United States. And Cthulhu is not going to show up until after the big bank buffet that will eat the flesh from your bones and make you homeless and generally unpopular with employers.)

[I would proceed to cover my rear, and claim that Bernie is going to be the worst President, but....*sigh*---have I mentioned that this election cycle required several sanity rolls?]

Now, I am not sure what age group that this book is aimed at. The children seen with this book are about the size of small pumpkins---yes, I know that is completely non-helpful, but what do you expect from someone that decided to only have children with four legs and fur? Though as a completely fictitious person, I could claim to have thousands of children, and millions of fans and readers, who I generously buy Snickers bars for. I mean, you would never know because as a figment of someone's imagination, there is absolutely no chance that you will run into me at the grocery store to actually see what I buy. A million Snickers bars? A couple big bags of cat food? You don't know. It is my word as a sock versus the completely honest words of the world's greatest pickle.

This is my favorite page from C is for Cthulhu.
The book is also seen with adults, who seem like the type of people who think that it is jolly good fun to make their children make sanity rolls at an early age. And not just for witnessing the horrific illustration of Cthulhu, but also some of his friends like Shoggoth and the Black Goat of the Woods....and this kinda sounds like one of those afternoon cartoons from the 80s and 90s---Cthulhu and Friends!!!....and I really want to see it while enjoying a Scooby snack or two...well, except as a sock, I don't actually eat---I only bad-mouth the glories of guns and the greatness of the only political candidate that the Imperial Pickle approves of. (What more proof do you need that I am nothing more than just a nasty sock?! A signed affidavit written in blood and pickle juice?)
And I so want one of these!!!!
There is also some marvelous plushes of Cthulhu. My favorite is the purple one, and someone really needs to buy one for me and send it to my address--2727 Cook St. Denver, CO 80205---it does not matter that I am imaginary and only a sock---I want a toy!

What? No? What do you mean that you think that this entire post was just a trick to try to get someone to buy me a purple Cthulhu plush? Seriously, I would also accept a green or red Cthulhu plush if someone loved me enough to buy one for me. After all, it is not like you have any other imaginary friends to shop for. Buy me a toy--dammnit!!!! Don't listen to the Imperial Pickle when he says that I have been a very naughty boy and have no clue about the really important things in life. I know important things when I see them---and their name is Cthulhu plushies!

So if you really love me, head over to the C is for Cthulhu website, and buy me a plush. Or if you must, one for yourself---just don't let your kids see it because they will want to have it instead.

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