Sunday, July 31, 2016

Join the Order and get a free gun!

Hi, I am the Imperial Porker, the bestest occult leader, teacher, and all around guru, and do I have a special offer for you today.

As you know, I am a firm believer that more guns will make the world a safer place. You want to end mass shootings in theaters? The answer is More Guns! You want to end toddlers shooting people? More Guns! You want politicians to be honest? More guns! Do you want students in school to be safe? More guns! More guns! More guns!

We need to arm every man, woman, and child in the world. Well, not the Muslims, and probably not the blacks, and I am pretty sure that armed black magicians represent the greatest threat to freedom that the universe has ever seen--and you know that you can trust my judgment for I am the bestest occult leader, teacher and all around guru that the universe has ever seen. And you know it is true because super secret sauce making alchemists say that it is so--I would provide emails and tweets from them, but I can't because that is how super special secret their sauce is. And they would also like you to vote for Cheeto-Jesus who will make 'Murica great again with the aid of that tentacled thing that he uses as a wig. 

But I digress.

Back to the super special offer I have for you today--which I thought of while watching the news from Colorado, we have to keep an eye on those pot smoking bush lurking bloggers out there and the funny ideas that come out of their state because there is one blogger that really hates me, and uses me as a character in his satire all the time, and while he claims someone else wrote that I said everyone poops, I know that it was really him. I am smart that way. And he would never think of stealing someone else's character anymore than he could possibly come up with a reasonable political argument about why ferret wearers should not be allowed to allowed near big red buttons marked "What does destroy the economy mean?" and "Make everyone glow in the dark." Nor can he come up with a single believable reason why more guns actually will create more gun violence, and why grandma armed at the mall will add a dozen more deaths to the next mass shooting, or why my imaginary friends are not real. He is dumb that way, and you know that you can trust me for I am the bestest occult leader, teacher, and guru that the world has ever seen.

But I digress.

Back to the special offer that is exclusively available to you--you who have not sent me a big payment though PayPal yet---which makes you very lucky because it allows you to take advantage of this very special offer that I have for you today. Where was I? Oh yes, Colorado! which despite its trollish laws allowing angry lying bloggers to write horrible satire, also dreams up the very best promotions, which might be because some of its citizens rightfully embrace guns, and not pot. Because you know all pot smokers are lazy and crazy, and all gun owners are completely rational and the hardest workers---you can't find anyone more rational and hard working than gun owners, who never dream of shooting hundreds of people, nor ever consider robbing banks and slapping whores.

But I digress.

Back to Colorado, and its wonderful marketing idea. Inspired by the holy document, written by the great American prophets that we call the Founding Fathers, who never smoked pot, and completely understood that trademarks are absolutely necessary to make people feel secure that they are only buying the best stuff, and that God wanted 'Murica to be a Christian only country where you were safe to burn evil alien reptiles hellbent on enslaving people---King George was a reptile from Ursa Minor Gamma, you know it is true because I shared that truth on Facebook, along with the emails that prove that Hillary Clinton is totally responsible for chemtrails, horrible bed hair falling out, and the terrorists blowing up in your very own house, just coming in without knocking, and eating all your bacon before they press the big red button that says "Fear and more fear--the Muslims are going to kill us all unless we arm your grandma!"

Wait...where was I?

Oh yes, glorious Colorado where the tyranny of two thousand roofing companies has left one roofing company desperate to make a name for themselves the only way anything is ever improved in 'Murica---yes, that is right---more guns! Yes, one brave Colorado roofing company beset by other roofing companies that probably employ low paid non-tax paying evil Mexican murderers and rapists, who must be stopped with more guns and the greatest reality TV show star ever, is now offering to give you a free gun with every roof you purchase. Just think about it--they know that it is not the roof that keeps the ice, snow, rain and hail out of the house, but rather it is that big shiny fully loaded assault rifle. Yes, that is right--bad weather is afraid of guns--you never seen someone whose house got blown away have it happened when they are armed with a gun. Never. You can't find a single clip of someone saying that a gun did not protect their house from the weather gods--not a single one.

But I digress.

 And if it works for this brave and besieged roofer, who probably got the idea from Ted Cruz who gave everyone who signed up for his mailing list a free gun, and we all know how well it worked for him, he is sure to be President after the Cheeto dies of old age after bitterly holding onto the office for a hundred thousand years, or killing all the South Koreans with an atomic bomb, or--well...wait--where was I?

Oh yes, roof and guns, they go together like peanut butter and sardines---yummy---and I was thinking that if guns could make roofs better, then what else could guns make great. Donuts! Donuts are better with guns. And third wives. Better with guns. Just the other day, Cheeto was telling me about his plan to make 'Murica great again by expelling all the non-Christians, and giving everyone a gun wrapped in bacon, and how sexy his daughter was while holding a gun, and I can just picture it, and...oh, yeah, I almost forgot the most important that guns make great--magic!

That is right. I am proud to make the announcement that my Order, and maybe Kitchen Sink's, and that French guy, and that clown down in Waco, and---well, there are a few of us who know that more guns automatically lead to world peace and less crime---my Order is now proud to offer you a free fully automatic machine gun assault rifle and laser butter knife with every Order membership that you buy. Yes, that is right--the bestest and most advanced lessons in magic will now be accompanied with hot lead and buttered toast. And all for the cheap, cheap annual fee of $93. That is right, a free gun and the most economically priced occult course in the world together at last. [Membership does not include rental of the text book which is a bargain at $666 dollars a year, yes, because the book is that good that you will gladly give me more money to share it with you.]

But Imperial Porker, does it make good esoteric sense to give every one a free gun with their membership? Yes, it does. I have made it my life mission to make magical training cheap for everyone because it is everyone's right to hex their co-workers, sacrifice their neighbor's children, and wear all the black clothing that they want. And besides believing that more magic and witchcraft will make everything better, I also firmly believe that more guns will make everyone safer, and what better way to ensure that there are more guns out there than making sure that you can stop at the grocery store on the way to your lodge or coven meeting, and show everyone your brand new shiny gun? You know how people are--if they see all the cool witches and magicians packing a gun, then they too will want to own an assault rifle to carry everywhere. Who is cooler and safer than a magician or witch with a gun? No one.

But Imperial Porker, what if I can't pass a background check? No problem--the only background check we do is to see if your PayPal payment makes its way into our account. Because anyone who promptly pays their Order dues is truly an honest citizen who would never dream of hurting anyone. Remember more guns make everyone safer---there are no exceptions to this rule---well, other than Muslims, and black magicians, and maybe Mexicans, and...never mind---everyone in the world needs to be armed with a gun. And you know it is true because I say so, and I am the bestest occult leader, teacher and guru that has ever lived. Bathe in the glory of my porkness!

Remember at my Order, our motto is Join for the Mysteries--Stay for the guns!

{And now for something completely different---there is actually a roofer offering to give customers a free gun, an assault rifle, with every roof they buy---and Ted Cruz, and a couple politicians, have held contests for free guns in exchange for signing up to support their campaigns. America--you are simply strange.}

Join for the mysteries. Stay for the guns!

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