Sunday, April 15, 2012

The Lesser Elvis Banishing Ritual of the Sequined Pentagram

According to legend, the folowing ritual was received by the Superiorly Honored Jaye while scrying into the shiny black of a vinyl Elvis record. When I asked one of the Secret Chiefs about it, they told me---Meow! Initiates of Singing Order of the Revived Elvis do this ritual slightly differently to reflect the mysteries of their esteemed Order.

The purpose of this ritual is clear the area of all Elvis-negative influences. This includes all that not patriotic and all that is not of White Trash at heart.

Begin by facing in the direction of Graceland. For easy reference, we shall call this East.

1.Visualize the infinitely bright light of a Las Vegas spotlight descending upon you.

2.Draw this Holy Light into your head, intoning: LOVE ME

3.Point downward, hand over… personal privates…, intoning: TENDER

4.Point to right shoulder. LOVE ME

5.Point to left shoulder. TRUE

This is the Holy Cross of Elvis. Conclude by saying: “Uh-huh”.

1.Facing East (Graceland), draw a bright, blue, sequined pentagram in the air. Be sure to visualize the light reflecting off of the shimmering sequins. Intone: Ehhhh

2.Repeat step six to the south. Intone: Lllll

3.To the west, intone: Vihhhhh

4.To the north, intone: ssssss

Between each of the above steps, you should make part of a circle connecting each pentagram. This circle should be made of the Light of the Holy Las Vegas Spotlight.

Imagine yourself bathed in the Holy Vegas Light. Face Graceland.

1.Before you, imagine Elvis as a baby, containing his True Elvis Potential. This is the Elvis of Air. Say: ELVIS, thou who were born a King in Lowly Surroundings. Fulfil your potential. Be present with me today.

2.Behind you, imagine the young man Elvis, on the brink of Stardom. This is the Elvis of Water. Say: ELVIS, thou who art about to realize your Kingliness among men. Fulfil that Potential. Be with me today.

3.To your right, imagine Elvis in the prime of his career, when he was making movies and the like. He thrusts his pelvis suggestively. This is the Elvis of Fire. Say: ELVIS, thou who art leading us to Light. Be with me today.

4.To your left, imagine Elvis in his Las Vegas stage. He wears sunglasses and is slightly pudgy. This is the Elvis of Earth. Say: ELVIS, thou who didst die on the pot of an overdose. Be with me today.

Repeat the Holy Cross of Elvis. Thus ends the Ritual.

This ritual should be repeated daily. If you wish, you may use Elvis music in the background to aid your concentration. If you have an altar, it should contain a Microphone Wand, a Microphone-Stand Dagger, an Elvis “45 Disc, and small porcelain toilet (Chalice).

May the Holy Light of Las Vegas Shine within you.

Love is the Law. Love under Rock & Roll.


Rebsie Fairholm said...

Laughed my socks off - thank you.

Joseph Max said...

How dare you! You have DEFILED and PROFANED the Double-Super-Secret rituals of the Hunka-hunka Order of the Golden Elvis/Rocknrollian Order of the AhHuh and Ohbaby (A+O). No Rocknrollian in their right mind will publish or disclose material that it's intended to be of use only for Hounddogs, or members.

You must be punished!

Deanna Bonds said...

It is great this material is finally becoming public. The pelvic thrust of fire is very powerful, people should not attempt to misuse it.